Name: Tim Dillon is the Local PIG at a Dinner Party!
Uploaded: 2025-04-28T16:00:58.000Z
Description: Watch the stand-up comedy video 'Tim Dillon is the Local PIG at a Dinner Party!' from Are You Garbage Clips on Comedy Buff. Published 2025-04-28. Transcript available.

Watch the stand-up comedy video 'Tim Dillon is the Local PIG at a Dinner Party!' from Are You Garbage Clips on Comedy Buff. Published 2025-04-28. Transcript available.

I want to ask you this, you know, you're well-traveled, you hang out in certain
circles.
That's right.
I want to talk about a dinner party.
Sure.
I want to talk about two things.
One, if you're having a dinner party, one, if you're going to a dinner party.
Interesting.
What do you think it's appropriate to bring to a dinner party?
What does a guy like you bring?
If I'm going, I'm usually bringing nothing.
Let me tell you why.
Here's the fucked up thing.
We talk to an etiquette coach, that's the right answer.
It is the right answer because here's the thing.
I'm going to a lot of these dinners as, look, a local pig.
Sure.
They're bringing me.
They have clipboards and white coats.
They're bringing me to the dinner party as a local curiosity.
An animal you'd point out on a tour bus.
Everybody gets 10 minutes sitting next to you.
For example, this is a local pig who we've brought in here and everybody kind
of pets him.
Get the kids, take a photo.
The Yak woman canceled.
So, really, it's a curiosity.
I'm a curiosity.
So, no one wants the curiosity to show up with anything because here's the deal.
When you go to a dinner party, I think you're there.
They want to do their thing.
Yes.
They don't want to do a potluck.
No.
But if I had to a raspberry cream pie from Bremer Farms.
Gentlemen.
Which is great.
It's a top-notch pie, Bremer Farms.
They won't sponsor me.
You've asked?
I haven't asked, but we've, you know.
You've plugged them enough, I'm sure.
I wear their hat a lot of times.
I've seen the hat, yeah.
I've mentioned this to you before, I believe, but you ruined me with the Haagen-Dazs,
what
is it, raspberry cheesecake or what is it?
White chocolate raspberry truffle.
Oh, man.
Yeah.
If I could turn back the clock on that.
It's a great flavor.
Delicious.
And it allows you to feel a little festive.
Yes, it does.
There's something where you feel a little festive.
I think at ice, you know, here's the way I look at life now.
You got to have a little treat.
You do.
You do.
You got to have a little treat, and it has to be.
He just said that in the kitchen.
He grabbed a power bar.
I need a little treat.
I came out.
He was lying.
Well, so it says cookie dough flavor and one gram of carb.
I don't even know what these things mean anymore.
One gram of this.
I wasn't out of the bathroom yet.
I just heard him talking to himself going, I could use a little treat.
A little treat.
Oh, pick me up.
So I think when you have the white chocolate raspberry truffle, you go, it's a
little treat.
I'm not being a gluttonous pig.
I'm having a little treat.
Yes.
A little treat.
That's the difference.
White chocolate's good for you.
It's a little treat.
It's a little treat.
Have you been on the other side of that where you throw a dinner party?
You know, I'm sure you put out a nice, great host.
We got to the infamous summer party.
We got a caterer.
Tim Dillon is still at a caterer.
We had valet parking.
We had valet parking.
That's how classy this dirt bag can be.
We hired this guy.
It was six bucks a car, but.
It was a little bit.
Yeah, fucking whack me out.
You charged me extra for the SUV.
We hired this guy, this Italian chef from Instagram.
This guy doesn't show up.
He goes, I got food problems.
He goes, I got his stomach problems.
I have food poisoning.
He's a chef, by the way.
Yeah, great.
Hey, this scumbag.
So this piece of shit, in the morning of the thing, goes, I can't show up.
But then other people came, and they did it.
They did a great job.
Wow, I wouldn't have known there was a hiccup on that.
He hired Arthur and Sons.
I remember, yeah.
Yes.
In conjunction with this guy, and they killed it.
Killed it.
And I think this year, we're going to do something different.
Every year, we did traditional summer food the first year.
Then we did Italian food the last year.
It was like Italian.
This year, I'm thinking something different.
I don't know what it is.
At what point does this party get to the point where all the rich people that
you know are
chasing Kevin and I around the yard, and we're greased up in Vaseline naked?
Because I have to say, I mean, there was like famous people.
Like, you know, there was like, we were talking to one guy.
He's like, I'm a huge fan.
We go, oh, cool.
Thanks, man.
Nice to meet you.
And he goes, yeah, my dad owns a casino.
And I was like, how the fuck?
I go, he goes, yeah, I just met Timmy.
I go, what the fuck?
Shout out to everyone at Ocean's Casino in the Shore.
Yeah, exactly.
You know what I'm talking about.
We were in the back, right?
As dirtbags tend to do.
Smoking.
We find a corner away from everybody where we can go catch a heater.
I think I hit you up for a bite.
Yeah, you did.
And you're a good host.
You float around.
You're doing it.
Very well.
And you always come back to your roots.
You find the other fat pigs in the back.
Yeah, yeah, yeah.
Feeney brought his own cooler, a White Claws.
Feeney, you forget.
And we're back there cranking heaters.
You forget he's white trash until you see he's got a tattoo on his leg.
And it's not a good tattoo.
No, yeah.
And you go, oh, you're a garbage person.
Like, you forget how garbage he is until you see that tattoo on the leg.
Yeah, shin tattoo is a good look.
Yeah.
So I don't know what we're going to do this year.
I thought maybe sushi, but then that sits out in the sun.
That's not too good.
That ain't good.
That ain't good.
That ain't good.
So I don't know.
What's a good theme this year for the food?
Interesting.
That's pretty good.
Because, you know.
Go all Greek.
Huh?
Do some gyros.
Interesting.
Like a Mediterranean thing.
I don't know about that.
That gets real sloppy.
Yeah, that doesn't age as well.
Everybody's smelling like tzatziki.
Nobody's making out.
Smells like a yellow cap.
That gets real sloppy and heinous.
What about a luau?
What about a whole pig?
Do a pig.
Now, by the way.
That's good.
I'm thinking of doing Polynesian poo-poo platter.
I love it.
Luau.
We get pigs.
We get pork.
Kahlua pork.
A little poke bowl.
Yeah.
Some kimchi fried rice.
That's pretty good.
And I know exactly the people that do it.
There was this restaurant called the Hurricane Club in New York City.
And they had these like Peking duck sandwiches and coconut shrimp.
I think we do a little tropical luau.
I like that.
I like it.
That's not bad.
I like a Peking duck too.
That's right.
Love a duck.
Good duck out there on the island too.
Get it all.
Very good duck.
That's right.
Now, have you had people show up to something like that or a smaller affair?
Yeah, they bring a supermarket pie like an animal.
And I just give it to one of the caterers and say, take this to your family.
Take this to your family.
I literally give the food to the people.
I give it to the caterers.
And I say, take this to your children.
Do you fake like a thank you so much?
You go, oh, and do you-
I don't really fake a thank you.
I go, all right, thanks.
It's a quick.
It's not like-
Somebody take this.
It's not like, thanks so much.
Oh, you went to Stop and Shop?
Thanks so much.
So are you saying Tim Dillon is now beyond the apple crumb pie at a Stop and
Shop?
Yes.
At a catered event, yes.
You got to go get-
Here's the thing.
I'm not turning down a pie.
If you do something nice, somebody brought some nice Italian cookies.
That's nice.
Don't go to the grocery store.
Don't get something at the grocery store.
What about the nice icing cookies that they have out there?
They didn't even do that.
Sure.
They could have.
They could have done it.
Get a cookie bus on the way.
If they brought a themed sugar cookie, it's a different story.
Okay.
That's a novelty.
That's a little treat.
All right.
I like that.
Brings up another thing that we've been talking about lately on the podcast.
Let's say you're at somebody's house for said dinner party or Christmas or
whatever, and you have to use the bathroom.
Yeah.
One, will you use it?
Of course.
Two, will you go upstairs?
I'll try to go to a bathroom that isn't local.
Sure.
Not connected to the kitchen.
You have to use it, and I think people know that, and that's just the way it is.
How would you feel if we were at your party?
I had to go.
I can't use that one off the kitchen because I'm going to embarrass everybody.
Sure.
I have to throw the food out.
Would you be okay with me wandering upstairs and using, let's say, yours in the
master bedroom?
Would that be a problem?
No.
You can use any bathroom you want.
Really?
Yeah, you can use any bathroom you want.
Gentlemen.
I think it's the right thing to do.
I respect that.
I think it's the right thing to do.
Thank you.
Okay.
Yeah.
All right.
I think you could use the one by the kitchen, too.
I don't know about that.
That's the help.
That's the help in there.
They deal with that.
They got to deal with that.
They got to go.
Some guy just came in and took a shit all over this salad.
Somebody let a bear in here?
Hey, hey, you're to help.
I'll explain it to him.
I go, listen, I had a lot of shitty jobs.
You're in the middle of one of them.
Keep the Santa Fe egg rolls coming and enjoy that.
Yeah.
I'll be out by the pool having a parliament.
Yeah.
They'll go, some guy just shit all over everything.
I'll go, well, get the sorbet.
Head on out of there.
Save the chicken parm.
We got to load him back up.
Yeah.
Okay.
Very good.
All right.
Very good.