Name: Tim Dillon Made the School Lunch Lady CRY!
Uploaded: 2025-04-29T19:00:54.000Z
Description: Watch the stand-up comedy video 'Tim Dillon Made the School Lunch Lady CRY!' from Are You Garbage Clips on Comedy Buff. Published 2025-04-29. Transcript available.

Watch the stand-up comedy video 'Tim Dillon Made the School Lunch Lady CRY!' from Are You Garbage Clips on Comedy Buff. Published 2025-04-29. Transcript available.

I don't know if we touched on this the first time.
Did you pack a lunch or did you buy lunch at school?
We started buying lunch.
We started packing lunch.
You know, here's the perfect example of my family.
It was like my father, we went, we like, there's a boardwalk, a town over from
mine.
It's like two miles.
One morning, my father gets me out of bed like he's mad.
He goes, get over.
Get up.
Get in the car.
I go, oh, good.
We go down to the boardwalk.
He goes, we're going to do jog a block, walk a block, and we're going to get in
fucking shape.
I was like, you know, I was like seventh grade, like a little pudgy kid.
I'm like, all right, let's do it.
So we did that.
And then at the end of the day, he goes, we're doing this every morning.
We never did it again.
Dude, my dad did the same exact thing to me.
We fucking ran down a hill.
Our street was on a hill.
Our house was on a hill.
We ran down the hill and it got uphill.
And he smoked three packs a day.
We had a walk back, never fucking ran.
It never happened again.
So that was like with the lunch thing, like they'd go like this.
They'd go, we're not, you're bringing lunch.
Then laziness hits us.
We're bringing lunch.
We're not doing this bullshit.
Third day, they're like, here's three dollars.
You get out of here.
It's pizza day.
It's pizza day.
We always had the thing.
Me and my brother, mom do the same thing.
You're packing your lunch.
We'd go through those, the variety chip bag in about two hours.
There'd be nothing left for the week.
My school lunch favorite, you do a fish stick, you do a tater tot and a little
canned string
bean.
You do a hot dog, you do beans, a little sauerkraut.
Okay.
You do some chicken nuggets, you do french fries, you do a little corn.
I've never heard anybody like the vegetables.
That's great.
These are canned vegetables.
I know.
They're sugar.
They're very good.
Canned green beans are awesome.
Friday's pizza day.
Sure.
Nice pizza.
Every now and then, there'd be like, and then we, you know, for a while there
in seventh
and eighth grade, we actually had a little frozen yogurt machine, a little fro-yo.
No kidding.
And this is a true story.
There was a, you were allowed one little cup of sprinkles with the yogurt.
I took a bunch of sprinkles, and the woman said to me, you're not allowed to
take them.
She was like a woman from like, what, Eastern Europe?
And I told her, and again, I'm not saying this is the way to act.
I was in eighth grade.
Don't try this at home, kids.
And she said, you cannot have this spring.
And I went, hey, hey, hey, shut up.
You were in this exact outfit.
I told her, shut up.
He's got the glances on.
I told her, shut up.
She's from Eastern Europe.
I don't know where she was from.
Maybe the Balkans.
Shut up.
Could have been Delaware.
She really had a hard life.
And I just said, shut up.
And she started crying like I've never seen a human being cry.
She started bawling like I had told her that she was, that her kids had died.
I said, shut up.
And she said, no.
And she just started crying.
And she went to the principal.
And she went to the principal.
And I had to sit in the principal's office.
My head hurts.
While he called my mother and father.
And he finally got my mother.
And he goes, is this Mrs. Dillon?
And she said, yeah.
And he goes, he just told one of the lunch aides to shut up.
And she goes, I cannot believe he said that.
And he goes, he stole sprinkles from the frozen yogurt.
And she's told him he was not allowed to have them.
And he told her to shut up.
And then I went back to my house.
And my mother said, you never say a word like that again.
I can't believe you said that.
And she goes, now what is this about the sprinkles?
I said, they give you one cup of sprinkles for the yogurt.
She goes, that is ridiculous.
That's how I say.
How are you supposed to live?
She goes, that's fucking America.
That is absurd.
Hey, ladies, this isn't communist Czechoslovakia anymore.
We're paying taxes, okay?
It's not Kosovo.
Make good with the sprinkles.
Yeah, what are we doing here?
Come on.
Give me those.
Okay.