Name: Losing Weight & the Fear of Weight-Loss Surgeries | Big Jay Oakerson
Uploaded: 2025-05-12T17:01:02.000Z
Description: Watch the stand-up comedy video 'Losing Weight & the Fear of Weight-Loss Surgeries | Big Jay Oakerson' from Are You Garbage Clips on Comedy Buff. Published 2025-05-12. Transcript available.

Watch the stand-up comedy video 'Losing Weight & the Fear of Weight-Loss Surgeries | Big Jay Oakerson' from Are You Garbage Clips on Comedy Buff. Published 2025-05-12. Transcript available.

This is good garbage.
I went to Vecchione's wedding.
Down in Florida, right?
Yeah, yeah.
And I've lost weight.
You look great, buddy.
You look great, buddy.
Thank you, man.
And I know that so I told Christine was meeting me down there.
And I go, hey, can you just bring one of my black pair's dress pants?
That's bad.
And black shirt.
That's real bad if you don't know the wardrobe.
Well, they're all the same size.
It doesn't matter.
I was like, and they're going to be a little big on me.
So I was like, you know, make sure you bring a belt.
I got a belt.
That's even sweeter.
People are complimenting you.
It's baggy, huh?
Sure.
Yeah.
Except I was even thinking to myself, I'm like, oh, maybe this is a tuck the
shirt in situation.
That's what you're thinking.
Maybe.
That's been a while for you.
When was the last time you tucked a shirt in?
Quite some time.
It's been quite some time.
15, 20 years?
It's been a long time.
I mean, where I've, yeah, my wedding.
That's pretty good, though.
Yeah, yeah.
So that's a long time ago.
So I was like, maybe I'll tuck my shirt in.
And then when I'm putting the clothes on, first thing I put the, I go to pull
the pants
up, where the shirt already looks hilarious on me.
It's so wide is what looks so funny on it.
So it's like, it looks like I'm wearing my dad's shirt.
Sure.
And then I go to put the pants on when I, I mean, when I pull them up, they're
not touching
my body at all.
Yeah.
Whoa.
And I was like, shit.
I was like, well, thank God I have a belt.
When I go put the belt on, it's suspender pants.
There's no belt loops.
Oh, there's no loops.
There's no loops.
I'm finding this out 30 minutes before we're supposed to be at wedding.
Did you have suspenders on you?
Nope.
Why would you?
What I had was...
What is it, Carrot Top?
Robin Williams.
Are you doing your Gallagher bits anymore?
What I had was that belt that then became, I wore it, I left the shirt untucked,
and I
put the belt around the pants like a hillbilly with a rope keeping up his jeans.
And then flipped them over?
Yeah.
Whoa.
And then had to go like, and everyone's going, hey man, why aren't you dancing?
Like, I can't dance.
Jay, we know you love to dance.
Why are you not out there on the dance floor?
I have a song in my heart.
I love to move my body, but I can't tonight.
They would have fell.
I'm only doing slow dances.
Every time I moved around, I felt like it was starting to come through, like,
pull it
back up.
You got your heart-shaped boxers on.
He was like, why aren't you dancing?
I don't want to dance.
It's stupid.
Just sitting there with your jacket still on.
That's my move.
So, that's a lot of weight loss.
Have you...
I mean, those fit, right?
Yeah, yeah, yeah.
Those are new?
Yeah, 36.
Get the fuck out of here.
What size shirt are you doing?
XL?
Do it?
XL, yeah, yeah.
XL jacket, dude.
A 36?
God damn fucking supermodel.
He's a supermodel.
It's under the belly still.
Yeah, right.
That's not a girl, gentlemen, either.
That's okay.
What do you think I am?
Matt Damon or something?
It's not even a great example.
Matt Damon's chubby.
I wish I could get down to Matt Damon's size.
We bought a zoo, Matt Damon?
I ever tell you that?
I had surgery?
I'm no Vincent D'Onofrio.
You'll appreciate this.
I had surgery.
I had, like, middle range bodies.
He goes, what am I, fucking Michael Rappaport over here?
I'm thinking I'm going to fucking buy an extra large shirt.
Buddy, 36 is fucking, you're there.
That's unreal.
Yeah, now it's the, now I got to worry about looking like a fucking flying
squirrel all the
time.
I'm losing weight.
You have to start contemplating things like, should I get a tummy tuck like a
bitch?
I just joined the X game.
You'll just go extreme.
It is, once you've damaged your body as much as I have, for sure, it is so
funny to kind
of have to come back to the reality of, like, that situation.
Yeah.
I was like, you look good.
And he goes, you see my shirt, I feel like the real, like, impossible to change
damage
to my body.
Yeah, yeah.
I think about that all the time.
And, like, that's one of the, like, the bad excuses that gets in your head.
He's like, well, I'm going to have to get surgery for all that loose skin.
I mean, I'm like, that's the least of our problems you got going on right now.
I know a guy who lost a bunch of weight.
He got a tummy tuck.
He had to get a new belly button.
That's what I mean.
They got a new belly button.
At very best, if you get a tummy tuck.
By the way, for the audio listener, he just put that belt on sitting down.
Sitting down.
That is what we call in the business.
Skinny mini.
A tight little body.
Tight little ass on that kid.
TLB.
Tight little body.
TLB.
Tight little bod.
What the fuck are we saying?
Oh, new belly button.
Oh, yeah.
The tummy tuck, at very best, if they don't, I'd rather have them, I know they
do sometimes
where they take the belly button off and just move it completely as it is.
I'd rather that, when you see someone get a tummy tuck, their belly button's
always like
a straight line up and down.
That's the tell.
I don't know.
I wouldn't mind.
Would you do no belly button?
It's nothing at all.
Just nothing.
Go alien?
Can you imagine freaking people out, dude?
He goes, I wasn't born.
I was created.
The Immaculate Conception.
Go no belly button.
I've never noticed that.
Does every picture of Jesus have a fucking belly button?
He's always shirtless.
I don't know.
That's a good point.
Whoa.
Well, I guess he was born.
No, no, he was born.
Yeah, he was born.
Right.
Yeah.
We all thought the same thing.
We're all just three idiots.
Isn't it funny when he goes, holy shit, you just took down the Catholic Church.
Oh, no.
Right, right, right.
Are you the new pope?
What the fuck?
And you're like, nah, he was born.
Oh, yeah, you're right.
2,500 years of Christianity down the tubes.
Big jet cracks in.
All those pictures and statues have belly buttons.
He's two beers deep.
You know what?
I think I got it.
There's a bunch of cardinals in the Vatican right now.
Sir, the guy in the loose pants foiled us.
We're screwed.
We told you not to let him get skinny.
He's got all his brain power.
Oh, shit.
He's not worried about eating all day.
Wait, did Jesus have a belly button?
Oh, I would love to fucking.
Man, we just bought.
That's how stupid we are.
Yeah, we all bought it.
Wait a second.
Get on that.
And then I'm so afraid of getting any kind of the surgeries because I went in
for a consultation
to get liposuction in my above dick area.
I was thinking about.
What, to get a bigger hog?
No, to get the mound down a little bit.
A bigger hang.
They'll give you a bigger hang.
A bigger hang.
Yeah, it's a bigger hog in my pocket.
Sure.
Listen, I've also been to said consultation.
You take the mound down a little bit.
Take the mound down.
What's going for?
And I went in.
Go from a softball mound to a baseball mound.
Two things that took me away from this was going in, first of all, the lady
receptionist
knowing exactly what I was there for, and then giving me a stack of paperwork,
80% of which
was going, like, you're probably going to die on anesthesia, so just let us
know that
you don't care.
So all that kind of got me nervous.
I'm like, why is so much anesthesia?
Yeah.
And then I went in, and the guy, it was just me and the doctor, and he goes,
drop your pants.
I don't know why I didn't think he was going to say that, but of course.
He can do this all with my pants on.
I got a new belt.
It's the whole thing.
Well, I wasn't getting ... This was just to see what he thinks he could do.
Can I just draw it for you?
He goes, drop your pants to your knees.
Can I get hard first, Doc?
Okay.
This was going ... Oh, I was trying to get hard before he came in.
It never works.
And then I was ... And then he comes in, and he goes, drop your pants to your
knees.
I go, okay.
And I do.
And then he goes, walk over in front of this mirror.
I'm like, ah.
So I shuffle over to the mirror, and he ...
Shoes on still.
Yep.
Shoes and pants.
He swings his chair over to me, and I mean, he is eye level with my dick.
And he just ... In the mirror, he's just like, so ... He's facing me.
I'm facing the mirror.
And he goes, so this is what your penis hang looks like now.
And then he just put his hands on either side of it, and he just pushes back my
dick mound.
I know the move.
He goes, and this is how it will look after.
And I went, okay.
All right.
So I'm going to think about it.
Leave me alone.
This is what it looks like in my mouth.
Would you like to see what it looks like inside of me?
Wow.
It was so ... And I walked out, I was like, nah, I'm okay, man.
Yeah, the anesthesia.
Because those are long procedures.
And that's another thing to think about.
Do all that work.
You lose all the weight.
You go in, and you're about to start closing hot ass because you're skinny.
Then you fucking die on the operating table because of the anesthesia getting
the belly button put in.
I know.
They fucking ...
Yeah, might as well just stay 450.
I know a weird amount of ...
That's what I'm saying.
I know a weird amount ... Well, there is something to the idea that you were
like, I wish I could
have gotten down to like Bert Kreischer type fat.
My dad had that kind of fat too, and that was never mine.
Mine was always like mushy.
Me too, yeah.
That's solid ... It looks so much better when the belly is just like a hard
ball.
When it doesn't hang and jiggle.
Yeah.
You have the good legs, though.
Bert has the good legs.
You have the good legs.
I got the ... What's his name?
Who plays for the roots?
Oh, Questlove.
Yeah, I got the Questlove.
You got a lunch lady ass.
Questlove is building a pear.
Yeah.
I got that.
He comes out from behind that drum.
He's like, what the fuck?
Yeah.
He's got a bowling pin.
A couple of bass drums in there.
He looks like a queen termite or something like that.
No disrespect, obviously.
You got it, too.
Yeah, my legs were always fine.
My ass is a mess.
Awful.
I say this in every show I go on, by the way, including my own.
If you're willing ... This is my camera.
If you're willing, the audience is willing to pay for me, I'll get a fat ass.
Brazilian butt lift?
I'll never pay for it myself, but I will get a fat ass if paid for by the fans.
If you guys want to see me with a fat juicy, I'll do it.
Do you hear that, gang?
Woo-wee.
What's that got to run you?
15 grand?
Something like that?
I don't know if you want it done right.
No, 1,500.
Depends if you want it done right, I guess.
There's got to be great ones, because people keep getting them done.
For sure.
All you hear about is the horror stories, and I see the stupid ones.
Like, I've seen, especially when I live in the city, and the lady just walking
around
with, like, it doesn't make any sense.
It comes out the side.
I just saw an episode of Miss Pat Settles It, where a guy was suing a plastic
surgeon because
he was supposed to get, like, 900 cc's of ass.
Yeah, he was getting it done, and he only had, like, 2,500 bucks or whatever.
He only had half of the money, so the lady put in half of the cc's of stuff,
and his ass
don't look right.
And he was suing her because he needed more.
It is funny to not like your own ass as a man.
And then go on television and be like, she fucked my ass up.
Yeah, yeah.
It don't look no good.
My stupid ass.
Just to be sad about that at all, so you never thought you'd worry about.
Yeah.
Balding, sure, but your ass not being great.
Yeah.