Name: What You Will Eat in Prison! | Are You Garbage
Uploaded: 2025-05-24T21:52:16.000Z
Description: Watch the stand-up comedy video 'What You Will Eat in Prison! | Are You Garbage' from Are You Garbage Clips on Comedy Buff. Published 2025-05-24. Transcript available.

Watch the stand-up comedy video 'What You Will Eat in Prison! | Are You Garbage' from Are You Garbage Clips on Comedy Buff. Published 2025-05-24. Transcript available.

Do they have candy?
That's why you bring that up.
I have a list of the commissary.
Ooh, all right.
Now we're talking.
United States Penitentiary Outwater, California Commissary Shopping List.
Way more on here than I ever expected.
You got your sodas.
Okay.
You get a 12-pack of Pepsi Max.
A 12-pack?
Pepsi Max.
Max, that seems a little...
You can get Starry Lemon Lime or Mountain Dew Spark.
What's Mountain Dew Spark?
I don't know.
Must be just some prison shit.
Six bucks and 40 cents.
$6,040 for a 12-pack?
It's not bad.
Better than Walmart.
This place ain't so bad.
You got their Georgia out there?
Boys, I'd rather be in here with you guys.
Mountain Dew Spark is just getting discontinued.
Yeah, it's all shit.
That Pepsi's getting rid of.
Starry.
Drinking fucking winter Coca-Colas in fucking August.
Is that cinnamon?
We were with somebody.
I was with somebody last night after a spot, and they grabbed...
Went to get pizza, and they grabbed a...
Coconella?
Spiced.
Oh, dude.
We passed it around the table.
It tasted like cough medicine.
It was horrible.
He went and was like, I can't drink this, man.
It was red.
There was like a little pink at the top or something.
Tried to return it?
He did.
I was like, dude, go get another one.
That's fucking...
I'm not gonna watch you drink this.
Is it like Christmas spice?
Yeah, but it's like Robitussin.
Somebody...
I think Tom Cassie said it's a little Robitussin-y.
Well, got that Tussin in him.
All right.
What else?
I got a lot of stuff.
Ice cream.
Okay.
Who's the manufacturer?
Twix ice cream.
Ooh.
M&M ice cream.
Okay.
You got your electronics.
Electronics you can buy?
You get a tablet, probably for reading.
A radio, an MP3 player, or Casio watch?
No shit.
Man, that stuff's probably getting traded.
But having any of that stuff makes you a mark.
I ain't gonna be walking around my fucking boombox somewhere.
I mean, I don't think it's a boombox.
Hey, steal your shit.
You fucking prison wolf.
Oh!
Howling at the full moon tonight, boys.
Take my watch or my Pepsi sparkle.
Yeah, fuck that.
You don't go in flashy with that.
It's the pack of Skittles.
That's it.
Keep them in your pocket.
I don't know what year this is from.
I'll be eating them one at a time out of my pocket.
You're doing that thing where you slow chew.
You put it in and don't chew it right away.
You know this?
Oh, man, I don't want to.
Let the tongue do the work.
Oh, that must be high stakes.
You're sitting there.
You're sitting there.
Oh!
I killed two guys.
You know the chance?
You don't want to fuck with me.
I'm a bad tooth.
Playing it real cool.
You can do this.
Pass it off.
Oh, my God.
Oh, shit.
Okay.
All right.
What else?
Food items.
Here we go.
There's a lot, so I'm going to run it down pretty quick.
Hold on.
This is commissary or this is at the snack shop?
This is commissary.
This is what you can buy.
Okay.
The snack shop.
What do you mean?
I don't know.
This is updated June 29th, 2023.
All sales are final, too.
Limited to one each unless otherwise noted.
Limited to one each.
You can only get one.
Of each.
Trading shit.
Damn, they got a lot, dude.
Where the fuck is that?
That's what I would do.
I'd run that.
Start some scam.
No guy coming in is getting that job right away.
Yeah, I guess somebody would be old fucking Red will be in there.
All day.
Damn.
Yeah, Red doing it all day.
Man, he was good in that, Morgan Freeman.
What I loved about that movie was the book was about an Irish guy,
and they didn't change the name.
So that line about, wait, why do they call you Red?
And he goes, I don't know.
I guess my freckles.
Yeah.
It's like breaks that fourth world.
Anywho, you got jalapeno summer sausages.
You got beef sausage.
You got honey pepper turkey log.
Shredded pork chorizo.
You got bumblebee tuna.
You got shredded chicken breast.
Chinese lump chung sausage.
I'll be doing a bully scene.
You and the dry heads.
I can't have a lump of song for everybody.
Get back in there, good graces.
You can't have one of poo-poo.
Guys, let's put this all behind us.
Okay.
You got a mackerel pouch.
Mackerel?
Mackerel.
Ew, the fish?
Yeah.
Ugh.
You get jalapeno mackerel, oysters from chicken of the sea.
That's crazy.
Flour tortillas.
You can get rice and cheese.
Rice, pepperoni slices.
I'd be all over them fucking pep slices, dog.
You think they got Hormels in there?
Ooh.
It could be like a nice slice of pepperoni.
Get your shiv on you.
I don't care if it's pepperoni.
I'm going to have a slice.
Kippy be eating.
I'm a good boy.
You got Spam.
You got mozzarella cheese stick.
I think that's just like, you know, string cheese.
Jalapeno cheese.
Squeeze.
Squeeze cheese.
A shredded beef pouch.
A turkey stick.
Squeeze peanut butter.
Chili with beans.
Refried beans.
Chorizo refried beans.
What, are they cooking in the cell?
Yeah.
But if they're selling that stuff, why don't they give them stuff to cook with?
Instead of doing it on a radiator and shit.
I don't know.
I think it's all probably cooked.
Okay.
It's like MRE type stuff.
Like, it's already shredded chicken in a fucking pouch.
I mean, there, that's a, you know.
That's it for the food items.
That's not bad.
I mean, like, you can make a decent menu.
What?
Any nudie mags?
Condiments.
You got mayo.
Dragon Express soy sauce.
Honey.
Sweet and sour.
Hot chili.
Cream cheese.
Lemon juice.
Jalapeno peppers.
Yellow chili peppers.
Tito's hot dill pickles.
I mean, this ain't.
I've stayed at worse hotels.
Ranch dressing packets.
Mints.
Garlic.
Mints.
Onion.
Soul seasoning.
Kill for half of that at a Hampton's Inn.
Who's telling me?
A little mackerel pouch.
That's crazy.
Chips.
You got your, you got jalapeno Cheetos.
Spicy Doritos.
Sweet and spicy Doritos.
A lot of Doritos.
Pork rinds.
Cheetos.
Hot fry.
I got hot fries in jail.
Cookies and crackers.
Snacks and nuts.
I feel like if anybody sees you eating that shit, they're going to beat the
shit out of you.
No, I think everybody's eating it.
But the problem is you buy it and then they go and steal it when you're in the
shower.
Yeah.
I had three packs of fucking ramen there.
What am I going to do?
Shoot the face.
Start woofing it.
You're hiding your stuff.
Hey, someone stole my Cheetos.
All right.
All right.
I'll blow you.
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