Name: Can You Use a Restaurant's Bathroom when only getting Takeout?
Uploaded: 2025-05-29T18:15:05.000Z
Description: Watch the stand-up comedy video 'Can You Use a Restaurant's Bathroom when only getting Takeout?' from Are You Garbage Clips on Comedy Buff. Published 2025-05-29. Transcript available.

Watch the stand-up comedy video 'Can You Use a Restaurant's Bathroom when only getting Takeout?' from Are You Garbage Clips on Comedy Buff. Published 2025-05-29. Transcript available.

Let's see here, this one's from Phil A, $10 Blankhead, how you doing?
Talk to me.
You's ever shit at a restaurant, but you're only getting takeout.
That's a wild, wild move, but I respect it.
I do respect it, I should say.
Man, talk about them hating this shit.
Pearson, I got a takeout order?
Where's your bathroom at?
What a dirt ball.
Oh my God.
Also, you got to walk by the people eating, because that bathroom's in the back
of the dining room.
That's not right up.
You're rolling around in a bathing suit?
You're all wet.
That's tough.
Oh, man.
Yeah, but so what would you go in?
Would you go, hey, where's your bathroom?
Or would you just walk in?
Because if it's not crowded, they're going to walk in, they're going, hey, how
can I help you?
You go, I'll be right back.
I'm about to need 12, 18 minutes.
I was going to say, I'll need another minute.
So you got to, hopefully, it's crowded, you can sneak in, go to the bathroom,
come back, jump in the back of the line.
Right, right.
That's ideal circumstance, but, you know, I don't know about that.
I don't know.
I don't know.
I mean, I think.
I mean, it's a dirt bag move, but it's got to happen, if it's got to happen.
But then you're also going right home.
Like, you don't have 15 minutes?
You don't have 15 minutes.
That's a wild move.
You shouldn't have left the house, I would say.
You should have been like, you know what, let me knock this out.
Then I'll go pick up food.
That's a wild move.
What I was going to ask is, so if I have to pee or something like that and I,
like, go into a pizza place and I'm not getting anything, do you want to get
something to use the bathroom?
I feel obligated.
I don't know if that's, like, a whole universal thing.
It's a very East Coast thing where it's, like, customers are.
We operate under the kind of guise that bathrooms are for customers only, and
you want to go, just go in and, like, I'll get this, and where's the bathroom?
A cup of coffee, where's the bathroom?
I'm thinking specifically of the pizza place across the street from New York
Comedy Club, 24th Street.
Sure.
It's new now.
If it's early, if it's too early for me to go in to do my spot and I have to
pee, I'll go in there, right?
But I don't feel right, especially those guys.
I don't want to just walk in and use the bathroom.
So what I'll do is I'll go get, like, a Snapple or a ginger ale or a water or
something like that.
I'll pay for it, and then I'll say, hey, is it okay if I leave this here?
I want to run and use the bathroom.
How do you feel about that?
You wouldn't leave your drink.
Is that open?
No.
Yeah, it's closed.
Yeah, I would leave that there.
Yeah, just leave it on the counter.
Probably not.
No, maybe.
I'll be back in 18 minutes.
I'd only put my stuff in public, and that bathroom ain't great.
No, I would never bring it in there.
Yeah, that's, like, from Saul.
Yeah, I wouldn't bring, I mean, I'm disgusting, but it's well-documented, but I
wouldn't bring
anything that I was eating or drinking into a public bathroom.
So New York specifically, all the stores and places are tight.
So you walk in, you're typically getting greet, like, a lot of the bathrooms
are locked.
Yeah.
Or for customers, like, they're playing defense.
That's all I'm saying.
Mm-hmm.
So a lot of times you go, and you might need a code, you might need a key, you
might need
a something.
Uh...
I've been drinking a lot of water recently, trying to do a gallon a day.
Good for you.
So I get out, so we come down here in the morning, I get out of the car, and I
try to walk over
the last 20 minutes.
I take a 20-minute walk from the water over here.
Mm-hmm.
Nice.
I throw the heads, beautiful weather, I throw my headphones in, get my steps in,
enjoy
the day.
I'm gonna start doing that.
But around halfway through, I gotta take a tanky bed, bed, and I, it's like, I
have
this place, I don't know if it's like a, all Bupin, it's something.
I forget what it is.
Pret-a-monger?
It's not that.
The fishmongers?
What's it called?
Pret-manger?
Pret-a-manger?
Pret-a-manger?
I don't know.
Pret-a-manger?
Is that right?
I hit through a lot of stink on that.
I got to take an a la dump.
I just shit my a la drawers.
And there's a place I found where it is a little retail-y, like they have, it's
a restaurant,
but like a coffee spot, it's a chain.
And I know they're not locked.
You're in a Nordstrom Rack.
Those are sometimes the best.
Because it's up, it's up of, so when you're going to the bathroom publicly in
New York,
the ones that have good access are typically overran by homeless people.
Like, if it's got, if it's a public place, it's bad.
So you got to go into a little bit, Starbucks, it's like pooping in the sewers.
It's like, you're hanging down there with the turtles, baby.
It's tough.
A Starbucks anymore is bad.
Yeah.
Very bad.
It's like a gas station bathroom off the side of the highway, bad.
So you try to avoid those.
So you got to go to something a little more elevated to get a cleaner
experience.
But those then tend to have more defense, hence why they're not overran with
street people.
So that's where you, but this one's, it's the perfect, it's a little grody, a
little grody,
but clean enough and there's no defense.
I feel so, I would do it every day.
I feel so confident walking in there.
You don't get nothing?
I don't even look at them anymore.
I don't even care if it's crowded.
If it's not crowded, I go right to the bath.
They probably hate me.
I catch some eyes on a way out.
I declogged the toilet twice.
Tell me of a to-go order.
Be right back.
I'll be right back.
Put my wallet in the car.
Walk in the kitchen.
Yeah.
So I, it's tough.
It's a balancing act.
There's one.
Dude, if you go to, I walked into one.
I told you.
I don't know if I told you, actually.
I walked into one at the park, over there on like 9th Ave, where we shot the,
the two
bears running video.
Yes, yes, yes, yes.
I was walking from that over that way.
I was like, I was walking.
I'm like, let me pop in there.
Oh, the homeless dog.
Oh, did I tell you that?
Yeah, you told me.
The dog was looking out under the stall.
I was like, I'm getting backed up.
There's some guy shooting K in there or something like that.
There's some guy shooting K in there or something like that.
There's some guy shooting K in there.