Name: Is It Garbage To Buy Food At Goodwill? | Are You Garbage
Uploaded: 2026-01-28T19:00:02.000Z
Description: Watch the stand-up comedy video 'Is It Garbage To Buy Food At Goodwill? | Are You Garbage' from Are You Garbage Clips on Comedy Buff. Published 2026-01-28. Transcript available.

Watch the stand-up comedy video 'Is It Garbage To Buy Food At Goodwill? | Are You Garbage' from Are You Garbage Clips on Comedy Buff. Published 2026-01-28. Transcript available.

This is from Tom D.
Is it garbage to buy food from the Goodwill?
My wife bought a big bag of Utz party mix from there the other day.
I've never been to it.
I've been to a good amount of Goodwills.
I've never been to like one I would trust eating food out of.
I don't fully trust eating food out of like Marshall's and TJ Maxx, too.
I mean, if he's there because he's got to be jammed up.
Yeah, what are you going to do?
I didn't know Goodwill sold food.
I don't really think they're in the habit of it.
What do you get for donating a bag of chips?
Is that what that is, a donation?
Yeah, everything from the Goodwill is a donation.
Well, I don't really see a harm in that.
First of all, Utz party mix is fantastic and it lasts forever.
And you could reuse that jar for something.
It says bag.
Jar I get.
You know what I'm talking about, the big boy.
So good.
Man, getting an empty one of those as a kid, sky was the limit.
You could be changed, you could fucking pee in there, whatever you want.
Yeah, whatever you want it to do.
I told you we used to fill with rocks and play greased up watermelon in the
pool.
Shout out to the Eagans.
I remember being like, this is, I remember at like seven years old, I couldn't
get it.
I was like too young.
It was too heavy.
We put like big landscaping rocks in there and everybody put Vaseline on
themselves.
And it sunk to the bottom.
And only the older kids could get it up from the bottom.
I remember getting like halfway up with it.
And my brain, I started losing oxygen.
My brain couldn't let go because I wanted to, you know, I wanted to point.
I wanted to prove to the big kids I was part of the team.
You know what I mean?
I thought she thought the chips were still in there.
It's a little snack.
Everything but the pretzels.
Now we're on the other side of this.
I told you I famously ate all the pretzels out of my...
I would love that.
I ate all the pretzels out of it.
Some guy, my bleeped that maybe.
Somebody related to me went, did you eat all the pretzels out of it?
I was so...
I wanted to be like, you fucking narc.
What the fuck's your problem?
I don't even want to fucking be at this house.
They drug me over here.
I got a fucking sweater vest on like a jerk off.
Fat little bastard.
Calling everybody by their first name.
This place sucks.
What?
They weren't really my...
Oh.
There was a couple of...
We had to call everybody by their last name.
Unless they were...
Your last name?
Yeah.
Yeah?
Like, hey, Jenkins?
What do you mean?
Mr. Jenkins.
Yeah.
Yeah, but this guy's related to me.
Is he related to you?
Yeah, but I met him when I was nine,
so I ain't calling him fucking Uncle Randy.
Yeah, we didn't call...
I'm not...
I mean...
I'm smoking cigs at the time.
I'm not getting a new uncle.
We didn't call uncle...
We didn't call fake uncles uncle.
Unless they were related.
What?
Like, my Uncle Mike wasn't my...
He wasn't my dad or mom's brother,
but he was my Uncle Mike.
But somebody on the fringes that weren't married,
like, I would say Mr. Riley.
I wouldn't say Uncle Dennis or something like that.
Sure.
You know?
Because that's weird.
Because when I got transferred in Catholic schools,
we went from, like, having nuns
to having teachers and calling them by their first name,
like Miss Susie.
I was like,
what the fuck kind of fucking cult shit is this?
Yeah.
That's like youth pastor shit.
They say, you know,
this broad's one of my seven wives?
I don't think so.
You get sister wives,
and they say,
I'm married to this guy.
I'm always getting to see him on Wednesdays.
Yeah, I didn't get that at all.
Miss Susie.
Miss Rachel?
Oh, Miss Rachel.
What's her name?
Miss Rachel.
Is it Miss Rachel?
Yeah.
Yeah, see, I don't like that.
I mean, with kids, yeah.
That makes sense.
What do you mean?
If your last name's fucking, you know,
a Romanowski,
that might be a mouthful for a toddler.
You know what I mean?
So it's, hey, fucking Miss Debbie.
Miss Ashley.
Again, the kid's got to learn.
Miss Scarecachuttle,
he ain't going to fucking...
It's a bit of a tongue twister.
You know what I mean?
Miss Scattermoosh.
I mean, you are somehow...
I don't know what the hell I'm talking about today.
No, we know.
I'm all off.
I'm all screwballs.
I'm well aware.
Really going against the grain.
Bully's got CTE.
All right, let's see here.
She makes a lot of cash, that broad.
Who?
Miss Rachel.
Not Miss Susie.
I don't know what she's done.
I'm sure she makes it on this living.
I assume she's moved on.
I remember I then saw...
From this plane.
I then saw that guy later on.
Well, you went through one of those big Uts things.
No, it was...
They were...
No, I didn't go through one of the big Uts things.
Like a weevil.
Like over your heads in it.
Like a hedgehog in a thing of oatmeal, baby.
Hey, if you don't know these, let's party, Mick.
They're big.
Big tubs.
Big tubs.
Like a big tub of pretzels.
Yes.
Like that you would see, like, you know...
Man, that was something else.
What, they were in a basket?
Yeah, they were in a bowl.
It was Christmas.
They were in a bowl.
I'm sitting there in a fucking living room without a TV.
Was it the same dickhead who called you out with the chocolate-covered potato
chips?
That was Mr. B.
Shout out to you.
I don't know if you're picking up.
I was a fat kid who liked snacks that were on a table.
It was grazing, seizing Kippy.
Kippy was there.
Woo!
Coming in like a herd of Chuck.
Moving from Colorado to Arizona.
Woo!
Eat the grass dry.
Look at you.
Oh, God.
Dude, man.
Well, when you go to a place where, like...
So, I was going to this family event at this...
Extended family members that wasn't really my family.
They were married into my fat, like, you know.
Uh-huh.
So, I'm there.
The parents are doing that shit.
I don't really have a...
I'm fucking eight years old.
I don't have a relationship with any of these fucking people.
So, like, past them.
Why don't I need them at a house at home?
I'll rue the day inviting me over.
We're also not there for dinner.
We're there to, like, exchange gifts beforehand.
Ugh.
So, we're doing that for, like, two hours or something.
No dinner?
Well, then we're going to, like, my actual aunt's.
Like, we're going to the Sullivan's.
Did they have dinner?
They were having...
We were just stopping by before, you know, like, Christmas.
You go, oh, we're going to, you know, whoever's going to stop by.
You usually do a little more than chips and pretzels, though.
People are stopping by.
Something hot in a crock pot.
Yeah, maybe...
Nah, you're not doing hot crock pot stuff if people are stopping by for, like,
a glass of wine and exchange gifts.
We were there for an hour, two tops, and it was mainly...
Some chili dogs or something.
Chili.
This was a pretty nice...
Huh.
Some pool pours?
I remember it was a townhouse.
It was on a golf course, which blew my mind.
I was like, what are you, the groundskeeper?
Who lives on a...
I didn't understand.
I remember being like, do you have to, like, go into the...
Like, do you have to go to the driving range to get...
Like, I didn't understand.
Hey, Caddyshack, which cooler has the sodas in it?
I fight an Italian kid every day.
Who's dick do I got a second to get a shasta around here?
But we were only there for, like, an hour.
So, like, the parents are talking.
There's nothing worse than when parents are talking.
I'm in, like, my church...
Like, I'm in, like, Christmas clothes.
Ugh, itchy.
And there's...
I'm in a living room.
She didn't have a TV in the living room.
I'm just sitting there on a couch, like, looking at all this old shit.
This fucking...
The only thing I didn't do is have a little nibble.
You know what I mean?
Like, I'm only human.
Either way, I just started slapping it.
There's no TV.
So, you picked through all the pretzels.
Yeah.
And then this fucking dickhead came in.
I didn't like him from fucking Jump Street.
His pants were too baggy back then.
They were, like...
He's an adult?
Yeah.
He was too skinny.
And his pants were too baggy, like...
Did he corner you solo by yourself?
Oh, he was, like...
He started...
I'm, like, yeah, get in.
You know what I mean?
Like, get while I'm getting good.
These things...
And he was, like, did you eat all the pretzels out of here?
And made me, like, shamed me about it.
I don't mean, like, buddy, I didn't...
I don't even fucking like you.
Fucking sitting here.
I'll fucking...
I'll tell my mom you touched me.
I'll end this fucking party real quick.
Fucking guy grabbed my ass.
I tried to grab my brajoli.
Let's go.
We're going to grandma's.
Fucking rally the troops.
We're going to Patty's house.
Hey, thanks for the chia pet, lady.
Yeah.
I was, like, going...
But she also...
That was the first time I seen a letter opener.
I said, who the fuck opens mail?
You do it like my dad and let it stack next to the fridge.
Who had a letter opener?
They're all unpaid bills.
This old brajoli house.
Oh, I always thought that was for rich people.
Yeah, I didn't...
I didn't just...
Put your fucking ripping...
Yeah.
Yeah.
You know.
That's what it is.
But then I later seen that guy,
and I went to say hi to him in public,
and he fucking iced me at a young age.
Really?
Uh-huh.
You fat little bastard, you don't have pretzels.
Told my mom.
I said, hey, I ran into so-and-so.
Where'd you see him?
You know, in town.
I was, like, skateboarding in town.
Went up, hey, what's up?
Fucking turned his back and walked away from him.
Really?
Uh-huh.
There was some ongoing beefs
that I was not aware of.
No shit.
Hold my mom.
I don't know if you...
I don't know if you...
She did not like that.
I like that.
Still held that close to the chest.
I like that.
Oh, you don't say hi to my boy,
regardless of how many pretzels he's eaten.
He's got a glandular problem.
He's on steroids.
A glandular problem is you feel like
their glands are sweating.
Like, when elephants do that?
What?
You ever see when elephants,
their glands, like, sweat?
Mm-mm.
Like, rut or whatever?
No, I remember that in the early 90s.
Like, the fat was...
I remember this one family,
they used to say,
you got a glandular problem.
I wanted to be like,
I think it's the hoagies.
You got a Lee's hoagie house problem.
I think it's all the lunch meat.
Kid's got a tasty kick problem.
Same family used to...
It just hit me the other day.
I don't know if I ever told you.
They used to call me Heavy Kevvy.
And the whole family...
I remember being like,
this is fucked up.
I mean, I like to fucking break balls and all,
but you're fucking...
You're a dad guy.
Wait, this guy turned his back on you?
Who?
Called you Heavy Kevvy?
No, another family.
I wasn't well liked.
Man, you stink.
Heavy Kevvy.
Heavy Kevvy.
And the one kid used to like dance.
I wanted to be like,
the fuck am I doing at this house?
This place sucks.
That was my buddy's house, too.