Name: Dan Soder’s Nightmare Delivery Job | Are You Garbage
Uploaded: 2026-02-11T19:01:00.000Z
Description: Watch the stand-up comedy video 'Dan Soder’s Nightmare Delivery Job | Are You Garbage' from Are You Garbage Clips on Comedy Buff. Published 2026-02-11. Transcript available.

Watch the stand-up comedy video 'Dan Soder’s Nightmare Delivery Job | Are You Garbage' from Are You Garbage Clips on Comedy Buff. Published 2026-02-11. Transcript available.

We've been talking about this.
Now, you're a diner guy.
Yeah, love a diner.
Love a diner.
You like a cup of coffee, too?
Love a cup of coffee.
That's how you start every diner meal.
That's the hard-hitting stuff we get into.
You like coffee, Dan?
I love it.
I love it.
All these podcasts want to break down politics.
Comedy.
Comedy.
Nope.
I'll tell you, I start every diner meal.
Hit us.
Breakfast, lunch, or dinner, cup of coffee.
Cup of coffee.
Hey, goddamn gentleman.
Bring the coffee.
The older I get, the more I appreciate coffee with non-breakfast food.
It's great.
It's coffee in a turkey club?
Ooh.
What are you doing?
But I do this.
I got a case to solve.
I'll do the coffee, order the food, get a drink with the food.
Oh, of course.
And then refresh the coffee when I'm done with the food.
This is what we're getting into.
What is that drink?
Oh, it's changed.
And what could it be?
What is it at breakfast?
What's the beverage order at breakfast?
Breakfast is going to sound crazy.
It's because I grew up drinking it.
Cranberry juice.
Whoa.
What?
I love cranberry juice.
Pre-departed scene.
I just fell in love with Ocean Spray's cranberry cocktail when I was a kid.
Oh, my God.
And I loved it.
OJ's fine.
I go OJ sometimes.
Not at a diner, though.
It's not good OJ.
I need a sulfuric acid.
It is.
It's just brutal.
I want a big cranberry juice.
And I just tell the difference between Ocean Spray and some garbage.
The other brand.
Do you know if it comes out of the gun or is it bottled?
I don't know.
First taste.
I need it to be sweet, but I need that cranberry snack.
I'll give it to you.
How do you feel about the cranberry ginger ale around the holiday season?
Love it.
Figured.
Love it.
Schweppes does it better than anybody.
Canada Dry does regular ginger ale better than anybody.
Agreed.
But Schweppes cranberry?
Mm-hmm.
Get the f***.
Now, when you were a young...
I'm going to get one of those now.
You son of a...
I'm going to get one on the walk.
I'm turning on 6th Avenue when my first mission is buying a cranberry Schweppes.
I respect it.
Ooh, baby.
Katie, we're drinking good tonight.
I'm going to get her one.
My lady loves it, too.
This is live feeded to her.
I'm calling her, baby.
I'm getting cranberry Schweppes.
I saw the AYG guys.
We're getting cranberry Schweppes, baby.
Start yelling, Baba Booey.
Baba Booey, Baba Booey's penis.
Speaking of which, when you were a young man, I'm surprised you got the cranberry
juice.
Yeah.
Shout out to moms for making that work.
Well, we're...
That wasn't cheap.
It's like cigarettes.
It's like finding your brand of cigarettes.
Sure.
You start somewhere.
You move a little.
You move a little bit.
So I started orange juice, as we all do.
Mm-hmm.
Then I was a big cran apple guy.
I was going to ask you.
Did you get into the fusions?
Cran apple was the first one.
Unbelievable.
It's still good.
Unbelievable.
And then cranberry.
I mean, cran...
What's the other one?
Cran grape.
Cran grape.
There's also cran raspberry.
No, cran raspberry.
I don't know if the tech was there yet.
Really?
Yeah.
So...
We're living out of a Regan bit.
And then I said...
I started talking like Regan.
We got apple, cran apple.
We got grape, cran grape.
That's genius, though.
Take it easy.
This is why he's a genius.
That's why he's so good.
But then I eventually was like, no.
I put all childish things away.
Sure.
And I just went...
Went back to the meat.
Came in a dollop.
Cranberry juice.
And this is like around middle school, so I'm getting pubes on my...
Yeah.
I'm drinking cranberry juice.
Playing with your guys.
You can't even...
I'm still playing with my guys.
You got enough childish things, but you got to man up.
You got to man up on some stuff.
You got to man in the house.
Pick and choose.
Yeah, yeah, yeah.
Cranberry juice is where I settled.
And I loved it.
Ocean spray, cranberry juice.
Then became my, like, drink.
But then at the diner, when I got the coffee, and I got the...
Especially breakfast.
Big plate of eggs, toast, hash browns, bacon.
Why don't you give me a juice of some sort?
I want cranberry.
You do it a lime?
Do it a lemon in there?
Nope.
No?
Straight up.
Oh, gee.
Yeah.
I just take it three fingers of cranberry.
Meat.
Ice, cranberry.
Cranberry, neat.
I won't go...
I'll go no ice.
What?
Well...
Not warm.
No.
I won't go warm.
Yeah, you got to chew.
But...
Hey, is your cranberry chilled by any chance?
I'm sorry.
Do you have room temperature cranberry?
Shaken, that's terrible.
My friend, this is a diner.
But...
You need a job?
Give me a job.
Okay.
You are crazy.
No crazy people here.
I will...
There's nothing better to me than having a ocean spray cranberry thing in the
refrigerator.
The big bottle.
Like on...
Dude, this Christmas?
The grip on that's great.
Yeah.
Good grip.
Good grip.
You better have a cranberry juice at the house.
Can we go back to diner waiters are like the bouncers of New York City.
They are.
Dude, they are never scared.
They are not.
They will...
They will...
You'll see one, but if shit goes down, there'll be 12 of them.
They'll all come out.
They all have the energy of people that teach self-defense classes.
Yes.
Where they go, now, my friend, I put my hand on the knife with this hand.
I remove the knife.
They're crazy.
That gives me...
They just know.
They can do that switch the gun real quick.
No, so now, this gun, my gun.
Make sure you tip.
Yeah, I went...
Because I lived in Astoria...
Soup salad, not included.
Astoria, I...
You know, I was in Astoria for 15 years, and we would go to...
Now, it's closed.
This is the first thing, I swear to God, this is the first thing you ever said
to me.
Neptune Diner.
Yes.
Neptune Diner's the first.
You go on Friday to get the lobster bisque.
That lobster bisque?
That's the first...
And I know I was a lobster.
I know it was shrimp.
I know it was shrimp in a lobster suit.
Did they have the lobster tank?
Because Bel Air Diner has the lobster tank.
Still filled with shrimp?
I don't know what those guys are doing.
Oh, yes, they did.
Around.
What they would do, what Neptune would do, is you would walk in, and they'd
have ice, and
they'd have all the fish right there.
No, that's classy.
And they'd be like, right here.
That's classy.
That's classy.
Those Greeks.
I had a steak there one time that blew my doors back.
Neptune Diner was...
Phenomenal.
So, the reason we're asking you all this, okay?
It's been some pushback from a friend of ours, from the Mediterranean.
Greek itself.
Oh, Stavi?
What did Stavi...
I mean, he's got Diner in his blood.
He's got Diner in his blood.
The one thing that's been a sore spot in negotiations with Mr. Halkius, all
respect to him...
Well, I'm sorry to cut you off.
No.
You have seen us.
The last time we saw you, we were in this setting we were talking about.
Yes, we were.
We saw you at our airport breakfast.
Yeah.
When I was flying into New Orleans for Skankfest.
And we were leaving.
And you were leaving.
And we were posted up.
And we were very jealous.
We ended up having a great time, but we did not want to go.
We were on the road all week.
And we were showing up.
And you guys were like...
It was like...
Danny came in with a little bit of a tube.
Sagalogue nailed it.
He goes, we're showing up at the...
We worked late at the restaurant.
Oh, yeah.
This is exactly what Sagalogue said.
He goes, this is like when you get off work at the restaurant and everyone's at
the party.
And you're leaving.
And I go, and we're just going to the kitchen to take shots.
Yeah.
We're just like in the kitchen like, what happened?
Oh, we missed a fight?
And then you're just like catching up.
You didn't shower.
Still smell a little bit like the restaurant.
Dude, you got your non-slips on.
Oh, yeah.
That's what I'm saying.
You're coming in with your black slacks.
Yeah.
With ranch on it.
And you're just trying to get f***ed up.
That's how it felt going to the last day of skank.
We had a boy in our fraternity house.
God love him.
He worked his way through college at a hoagie shop.
And he would show up to every party kicking like a landlord in the 30s.
Just onion scent all over.
Still closed, though.
Still did well with the lady.
When I worked at Silvermine Subs delivering sandwiches.
Home with a mile high sub.
No, it was always named after prospector s***.
So it was called like the Cripple Creek.
That's pretty fun.
It was called like, it's a very Colorado-centric sandwich shop.
Give me the Gold Rush.
Yeah.
Yes, there was.
I think there was one called the Gold Rush.
There was one called like the Vein or something.
But I had to deliver sandwiches for them.
The Chinese mine?
Before I started working.
Yeah.
Before the canary.
And you go, it's laced.
I wouldn't eat it.
But they, I would deliver sandwiches, but I'd also have to make them.
Really?
And then I would get off work and go to parties and be in my Silvermine Subs.
That's always, that's a conversation you have as you're driving over.
You're going, it's not that bad, right?
Because you're used to it.
I'll tell you what's worse.
Delivering subs to the hot girl dorm where all the cool kids live.
And they're like, do you go to U of A?
And you're like, yes, I'm a sophomore.
Are you a huge whore by the chance?
Can I please you?
Because the only reason I'm a delivery driver is that this will work out in
some sort of porn thing.
I told them when I was in college, I had, so I had financial aid and I had a
grant to play football.
Okay.
But there was something in either my financial aid or my grant where I had to
work for the school.
Oh, no.
So I would be, first of all, I'd cut class a lot.
I'd be out partying and stuff like that.
And I remember being like hung the f*** over and raking leaves like on main
campus in the zip up jumpsuit.
Like a chain gang.
As chicks were walking by.
Yeah.
No one talks about that.
Working in college.
Brutal.
Is embarrassing.
Because hot girls.
Yeah.
Yeah.
Because they're not getting hit on, by the way, by rich kids that have to have
jobs.
These kids are like, Saturday, do you want to go hiking?
And I'm like, I have to open at Silvermine Subs.
What does open mean?
And then I have to put the f***ing big thing on my car.
The magnet.
Nuh-uh.
Yeah, yeah.
And the Dodge Stratus.
Like a cop?
Like, punk, the Silvermine Subs.
The light.
Could you run into your, uh, it plugged into the lighter.
That's what I plugged into.
You're unplugging it to smoke see.
Oh, yeah.
Dude, always.
Dang, keep that light on.
Dude, shut the f*** up.
I knew.
Dude, they had to do a ride along with me because I was coming back.
A ride along?
Because the manager was like, I gotta do a ride along with you.
You're taking too much time because I would stop.
They always, they always, there's no way.
20 minutes to 20, you were dead to ride.
They thought I was like going and going to bars and s***.
And really, I was just sitting in my car contemplating suicide.
Sure.
You're not running red lights or nothing?
Yeah.
And yelling at you.
They go, we need you back here on Friday nights because we have sandwiches.
And you go, yeah, I make three deliveries and then I just sit in a parking lot.
And I just smoke a cigarette and I go like.
Look at my gun.
I go, maybe if I don't knock, they'll kill me.
Silver lights up.
Arizona.
You start going through the second floor bedroom window.
You're doing it wrong.
I go, no, I'm doing it right.
I can't work here.
Quitting there was so awesome.
Thank you.