Name: Leaving Your Car Unlocked So People Don't Break the Windows w/ Cristina Mariani | Are You Garbage
Uploaded: 2026-02-13T18:00:10.000Z
Description: Watch the stand-up comedy video 'Leaving Your Car Unlocked So People Don't Break the Windows w/ Cristina Mariani | Are You Garbage' from Are You Garbage Clips on Comedy Buff. Published 2026-02-13. Transcript available.

Watch the stand-up comedy video 'Leaving Your Car Unlocked So People Don't Break the Windows w/ Cristina Mariani | Are You Garbage' from Are You Garbage Clips on Comedy Buff. Published 2026-02-13. Transcript available.

You have a 2008 Prius.
How are you listening to music in the Prius?
Is there an aux cord in that?
Yeah, there's an aux cord at one point,
but somebody broke into my car the last time I left Austin for a little too
long.
But I didn't lock the car because I have a theory.
Just open it.
Don't break my window because then that gives me another task.
You leave the car unlocked.
Yeah, that way they just get what they need
and then they don't cause damage to the car.
And my car gets cleaned.
That's kind of what I felt like
because they took all the shit out of it
and now I don't have to clean it.
Wait, so did this happen the way you wanted it to happen?
Honestly, I just like to see it on the bright side of stuff.
Her car got broken into and she forgot to lock the door.
But the door was unlocked.
The door was unlocked.
And they didn't smash the window?
No, I did that on purpose
because I don't want them to smash the window.
And they didn't smash the window?
They didn't.
They tried it and then they saw that it was unlocked.
So it worked out?
Yeah, it worked out.
And I didn't even remember what was in my car.
So whatever they stole, like, they probably needed it more.
But one of the things was the aux cord
and that's the only thing that I'm kind of annoyed about
because now I have to bring a speaker in the car.
That's what I was getting to.
You got a loose, you got a Bluetooth speaker in the car?
Well, no, not Bluetooth, but I have an aux.
You're doing a hardwired third party speaker in your car?
And now I don't have that even.
So now I use a speaker because it got broken into.
Do you guys listen to me?
Oh, wait.
What?
You have the speaker is what I'm saying.
Yeah, there's the built-in speaker,
but I'll bring one, like, a little kind of party speaker in the car.
Yeah, yeah, yeah.
I'm with you on that.
Okay, okay.
You know party speaker?
Yeah, a little tiny one with a fan that I got for free.
A JBL.
Let me play stitches too.
Yeah, exactly.
Have you ever taken a picture with an iPad?
No.
Okay.
You're flossing every day?
No.
Do you go to the dentist regularly?
No.
Doctor?
No.
Okay.
Have you ever owned a tennis racket?
No.
You brush your teeth in the shower?
I have.
You pee in the shower?
Yeah.
Okay.
You drink, did you ever grow in a, I doubt it,
but you drink milk with dinner?
Yes.
You did.
Oh, growing up.
Even now, I love milk.
Huh.
Yeah.
All right, my book.
It just checks out.
Just turns it all around.
I don't think you're weird at all.
Or mean.
Or mean.
Whole milk?
Am I being mean?
No.
Okay.
Whole milk?
Not being nice.
Yeah, whole milk is the best.
Really?
I'm kidding.
I'm kidding.
I also make jokes.
Okay.
You do?
That's the first one I heard.
I'm not sure anymore, to be honest.
I thought this was a news show.
It's hot in here.
What's the rotation, when you're home, of the towel situation for the shower?
What do you mean?
How many towels do you own at the house?
Oh, like three, maybe.
That's pretty good.
How many showers for one towel before you wash it?
Well, you know, I'm always clean when I use it, so I like, maybe like, you know,
so.
You're really defending this like a bad lawyer.
I'm clean when I use the towel, so you'd think the towel would still be clean
for a while.
It's not so much dirt, it's the amount of moisture on the towel.
Well, then I just like, hang it up, and it dries until next time.
I've showered before.
So how many?
Maybe like a week or two?
I don't know.
A week of showering every day.
Yeah.
So seven showers.
Seven, yeah.
It's that bad?
No, that's okay.
I don't know.
That's standard.
Yeah, I guess that's pretty good.
Now, do you do, do you have in-unit washer and dryer, or do you have, you do?
But it sucks, because it's one of those European ones that is like, you want,
and it takes forever, so I.
Is it one thing?
It's not only, only one, there's not two separate ones?
No, it's one thing.
What the fuck is that?
Yeah, so it takes like an entire day to do like this.
That's crazy.
But they also have like off-unit, like.
Downstairs in the basement.
Downstairs, yeah.
But I got all my laundry stolen one time.
Left it in the car.
Yeah, no, no.
They left it unlocked.
I left the dryer unlocked.
They stole your laundry?
Yeah, they stole it.
Who's stealing laundry?
I don't know, but.
Out of where?
Out of the downstairs one?
Yeah.
Like out of the communal one?
Mm-hmm.
Jesus.
Yeah, so.
How long did you leave it down there for?
A while.
It was like, but not that long.
I was in Toledo for the weekend.
It was only, no, I went to bed, because it was at nighttime, and then the next
day I went to.
That's way too long.
Well, you know.
Was it left in the washing machine or in the dryer?
In the dryer, so they got like a nice, clean.
Yeah, they got stuff ready to go.
Someone's out there folding my clothes.
Yeah.
That was the good part.
I was like, well, I guess now I don't have to fold my laundry, so that's cool.
Everybody hates that.
Yeah.
Have you been to a Marshalls, TJ Maxx, or HomeGoods in the last 30 days?
No.
But I like all of those places.
Okay.
How do you feel about coconut?
Okay.
Just okay?
I mean, you know.
Not a fan.
Like, in drinks, I like it.
In drinks?
Yeah, you know, like a...
Coconut juice or something?
Yeah, like a...
No, I was...
Yeah, in alcoholic drinks.
Okay.
You know, like a...
What's it called?
Pina colada.
Okay, you like a pina colada.
Mm-hmm.
All right.
I like...
I feel healthy when I drink coconut water.
Sure.
Sure.
Yeah.
But it...
I think I like other fruits more.
What's your favorite fruit?
This guy.
I'm just kidding.
That's pretty good.
That was the funniest thing I've ever heard in my life.
God damn.
It came at my expense.
I'm not happy about that.
I invite you in here.
You're doing a nice podcast.
You can call my friend fat.
You can call me homosexual.
You know, I'm a god damn professional.
I have to put up with this.
I feel like you guys are stiff around me, so I wanted to, like, make you guys
be cool with me.
I wanted to hurt your feelings.
No, no.
These guys want to be insulted.
They're asking for it.
I could just read it.
I didn't know we were inviting Rickles here.
What's your favorite candy bar?
I like the kinder ones, but I grew up in Italy, so those are the, like...
Yeah, the good ones.
You didn't grow up in Italy.
You were there for five years.
Well, I did my childhood, pretty much.
I clocked in, memory-wise, went to Italy, and then I came back.
It's wild you're pushing back on this.
Five to 11?
That's not growing up.
I'd say 11 to...
You still haven't grown up, okay.
Maybe you should move to Italy.
Fucking check in, all right?
No seven fishes.
I'm out.
He's grown out.
I'm just kidding.
Kinder, very classy.
Tinder, what?
Kinder.
Oh, Kinder, yeah.
Very classy.
Are there any...
Do you have any...
I was just going to say real quick, I got my hands on some of those, the ones
that look
at little baguettes.
Bueno bars.
Oh, those things are good.
Oh, those are good.
Yeah.
Those are really good.
They really know what they're doing over there.
Huh.
I'm sorry, Kevin.
No, no, it's okay.
It wasn't going to go anywhere.
She would have turned it on its head.
Have you ever earned any trophies in anything?
Yeah, piano.
Piano, like a competition.
Yeah.
At what age?
Uh, six.
Maybe I was in Italy.
Okay.
Six or seven, eight.
Do you still have any of those trophies?
Mm-hmm.
I have them.
Where are they?
Displayed in?
In Italy, actually.
They're in Italy?
Yeah, in my parents' house.
Yeah.
Wait, your parents still have a house in Italy?
Yeah.
We still have our house over there.
What?
Who's living in that?
No one.
What?
Yeah, it's...
Yeah, I don't know.
It's just been sitting empty?
I don't ask questions.
You don't, do you?
No, I don't ask a lot of questions.
I'm like, I'm sure they have a good reason for what they do.
We should be able to go, at least.
That's all I'm saying.
So there's a house in Tuscany.
Tuscany.
Mm-hmm.
Huh.
Yeah.
You know anybody from the Medici family over there?
No.
You know who I'm talking about?
Yeah.
Yeah.
The family.
Yeah.
Last name Medici.
They're very big in the Renaissance.
Banking.
Right.
European banking.
Wasn't that when Galileo was also...
Or was that at the same time period?
Yeah, he was floating around here.
Galileo, all those guys.
Do you know who Galileo is?
Of course I know who Galileo is.
He would have been excited to discover you.
That's mean.
She's got to start writing for me.
I've been calling you fat for five years.
She's got a whole lot of breath of fresh air.
He's like, I guess Earth has three moons.
What?
There's other little guys floating around me.
He was a quack.
You're all trash.
He was probably just talking about.
Do you know how to use chopsticks?
Mm-hmm.
Awkward.
Yeah, like, I manage.
But you're big on sushi.
When your family would go to the sushi buffet, were you using chopsticks or
fours?
Hands.
Hands.
Yeah.
Cut out the middle man.
Which is the proper way to eat it.
Yeah, I feel like that was the OG way to eat anything.
Have you ever been to Japan?
No.
I've always wanted to go, though.
Okay.
I feel like I would like it.
Sure.
I mean, listen, you know.
What, are you going to make a determination?
Kid's screwball.
She's wacky.
She's wacky.
We didn't get that many straight answers out of her.
But the 08 Prius ain't great.
You would like not straight answers, wouldn't you?
You little freak.
Is that what you like, huh?
Sicko.
Right up your alley, huh?
All right, listen.
She's trash and I'm gay.
That's the program.
Christina Mariani, everybody.
Thank you so much for coming in.
Thank you.
Thank you for having me.
Do we say she's gar-
You are garbage.
Yeah?
Yeah.
I mean, dude, yeah.
Wildly elusive.
Which would make you garbage.
Sure.
Wildly elusive.