Name: Bill Burr - 27 Year Old Virgin [Animated]
Uploaded: 2022-02-10T19:09:21.000Z
Description: Watch the stand-up comedy video 'Bill Burr - 27 Year Old Virgin [Animated]' from Bill Burr Animated on Comedy Buff. Published 2022-02-10. Transcript available.

Watch the stand-up comedy video 'Bill Burr - 27 Year Old Virgin [Animated]' from Bill Burr Animated on Comedy Buff. Published 2022-02-10. Transcript available.

all right 27 year old virgin jesus christ uh hey billy i'd love to hear your
humorous take on my
pathetic situation first of all dude let's work on your self-esteem all right
you're already
shitting all over yourself um all right watch this guy watch him shit all over
himself i'm a
27 year old virgin oh jeez uh that's what he wrote now your first question is
going to be how
the fuck did that happen well to protect myself i'd actually preserve prefer to
keep my background
as quiet as possible hey i'm not trying to get you to rat yourself out here's
what i can say i come
from a rich town inhabited by obnoxious cunts i was always the weird kid and
very socially awkward
people hated me no matter how nice i was jesus christ dude are you like a
superhero that's like
the exact same background of like every fucking superhero movie isn't it it's
probably because
nerds write those movies because they don't know how to fight and all of a
sudden they're like what
i knew how to fly what if i could fly what if there was a guy who could save me
um and then they draw it
and then nerds line up around the block to go see it dude you see the new
spider-man yes it's exactly
like the other ones um i was always the weird kid and very socially awkward
people hated me no matter
how nice i was and eventually i came to hate myself and still do i called it
dude i fucking called it uh
he's shitting all over himself eventually it was discovered that i most likely
have a mild case of
asperger's syndrome which is a mild form of autism which is way out of my
league are you guys trying to
make me look dumb i thought i did that i achieved that by how awful i read out
loud
here we go that causes social ineptitude and quirky personality traits well i
would go find a hooker
with asperger's that's the first thing i would do and get the fucking v off my
back definitely wear a
condom see that's where my advice is going to be coming from you guys have some
weird conversation
in some ironic vehicle um at least discovering this made me more of self-aware
and i've been able to
clean up my act over the last few years but i still have a lot of social
anxiety shyness and very few
friends on the flip side i'm actually pretty decent looking have a decent job
in a laboratory he's a
fucking he's gonna get bit by something radioactive and he's gonna become a
superhero uh and i'm a
certified commercial pilot and do volunteer work dude like you know something
if if i was in the fbi
like so many red flags just went up there uh okay that's the setup now now for
the question
first what the fuck would you do if you were in my situation i told you i'd get
a hooker with
asperger's syndrome and you guys could just bond over that uh i don't know let
me let me read all
your questions i'm obviously kidding about trying to find a hooker with asperger's
syndrome all right
you couldn't find one that would be like needle in a haystack what you'd have
to do is go to an
escort service and request that personally um i would think
i'm looking for 36 24 36 with asperger
hair color does not matter yes i can hold um next if if eventually every i ever
do
make it anywhere with the chick should i tell her up front about my status i
had this conversation a
few weeks ago with a friend who has a lot of romantic experience and she said
it would be
extremely obvious that i'm new to the game and that withholding that
information could itself be
detrimental but i also know that if i do tell a chick i'm 27 year old virgin
she will demand an
explanation before going any further and it will send up red flags for the most
what do you do bill
thanks for doing your awesome podcast and go fuck yourself all right this is
what i would do
i would just start hitting on every chick that interests me and i would be just
totally honest
tell him tell her what your your uh your situation is and uh you know if she
doesn't accept it then
fuck her let her walk and then you don't have to deal with any of the bullshit
you didn't or you
just you just fast forward through a three-year fucking horrific relationship
um i would just be
up front with people i wouldn't open it with hey you have beautiful eyes and i
have asperger i wouldn't
do that you know um i would work on my self-esteem i wouldn't talk shit you
just you
shit on yourself right out of the gate i mean obviously i knew you're going to
do that when
you said you were 27 year old virgin and and you're probably going to go that
route but uh
think good thoughts about yourself man i know that's kind of like simple but i
you know you got
to like you got to amp yourself up a little bit go out there and you know you
don't have to go find
the chick of your dreams but just go out you don't gotta tell some girl you got
asperger's syndrome you
don't why don't you just do that with somebody that you're really interested in
but if you just
want to go out and get laid just go out there start hitting on chicks turn it
into a game
so you don't have to deal with the pain of the rejection just be like all right
i don't have the balls
to to take the next step whatever that step is peeling yourself off the wall
striking up a
conversation just saying hello to a pretty girl she walks down the street just
try to get over that
hurdle and give yourself permission to suck and you just you gradually build it
up it's like learning
how to play guitar you're not going to pick it up and immediately be able to
play all your songs
you learn a couple of chords you know then your fingers hurt right you get
frustrated but you keep
coming back and eventually you can play pussy is no different
that's what i would do put the asperger on the back burner who knows dude maybe
you're not as
fucked up as you think you are socially you know what i mean maybe you got a
sense of humor under there
i think you do you shit on yourself in a funny way you know spin it around that
way do you have any
interests go go to a go to a fucking i don't know whatever you know you fly kites
go to some flying
the kite convention there's got to be some woman there who also likes kites i
know that was an overly
simplified thing but that's what i would do all right and then when you go to
like uh hook up with
somebody uh and they you know and yeah tell them if you start you don't know
what you're doing to watch
a couple of fucking pornos you know you'll get the idea actually no don't do
that don't do that
because then you'll fucking start slapping them around you don't do that i don't
know what to tell
you dude i write get buy some books i say go buy some buy some books in that
that uh that that part of
the bookstore that you know if bookstores exist anymore going go online there's
got to be plenty of
information i bet if you literally looked up finger banging technique if you
looked how to
kiss i bet there's just going to be reams of information i've never done that
because i never
had to oh just kidding of course i had to you think that i didn't wish that
information was around
way back in the day when you had no idea you just practice kissing your pillow
and try to overhear
conversations in the high school cafeteria and try to figure out what people
were talking about
that's all i had to do you had you have the whole world at your fingertips you
know so when you're
done in the laboratory working with radioactive shit before you get bit by
something you don't want
to go out and get laid before you learn how to fly all right all right