Name: Bill Burr - First Date and Money
Uploaded: 2022-03-03T16:53:13.000Z
Description: Watch the stand-up comedy video 'Bill Burr - First Date and Money' from Bill Burr Animated on Comedy Buff. Published 2022-03-03. Transcript available.

Watch the stand-up comedy video 'Bill Burr - First Date and Money' from Bill Burr Animated on Comedy Buff. Published 2022-03-03. Transcript available.

it's time for advice with your host billy burr and i'm ripping off this melody
from somebody else
where we go where we go uh first date and money i gotta i gotta step it up here
man what time is
it oh an hour and four i gotta get out of this fuck i gotta get out of here all
right first what
this uh first what's love the podcast i'm 20 years old still in college and
newly single i decided to
try my hand on dating again i met this girl on facebook we messaged each other
for hours before
i decided to ask her out on a date she accepted jesus christ dude she's
probably sitting there
like my thumbs are aching will you fucking ask me out already uh she accepted
we made plans for me
to pick her up uh this would be the first date i've had in four months i drove
to a place which
which was around 20 minutes from where i live we went to the mall which is
where everyone basically
goes on the weekends so i thought that i would it would be a good place to go
when we got there we
would decide we were deciding on what to do that's not a good game plan dude
you should know where
you're going to go and what you're going to do just to get it going so then you
feel like you know this
guy knows what's what's going on all of a sudden you're making decisions and
all of a sudden she's
taking her pants off that's how it works all right you can't go there you can't
treat them like pierce
you got to put them beneath you you got to have them looking at the floor that
way they don't get
to say good night to nobody what movie pope of greenwich village i did a bad
version of that um
anyways when we got there we were deciding on what to do i suggested uh we
watch a movie uh but
nothing good was playing see you fucked yourself so instead we decide to eat
dinner applebee's
we ate at this restaurant in the mall and talked about getting to know each
other at the end of
dinner i paid because i was told the man pays on a first date what i wasn't
told was whether or not
i should pay for extra stuff oh my god we started you are well first of all you
already set a
precedence that you're paying the second you pay you're paying for the whole
fucking evening
okay and fuck all the women who right now going that's right that's right go
fuck yourself you
fucking free cunts um we started walking around and we go into a few stores and
she starts looking at
things around the store saying i wish i had money to do to buy this i wish i
had enough money to buy
that so what i did because i was trying to be the gentleman and impressor was
offered to pay for
those things she wanted ah dude she uh you just fucked yourself she totally
doesn't respect you
anymore you got used i ended up buying her some sunglasses a shirt a dress and
some shoes and a
necklace on a first date dude on a first date the first night out with you just
getting to know you
you buy her dinner and all this shit so you realize on the second date if it's
going to go any further
you know relationship has to move forward that means you have to buy her even
more
shit all added up to around 120 bucks not including the dinner after that i
drove her back to her place
and that was it of course it was jesus christ you bought her a bunch of shit
like you were already
fucking her that was like her blowing you and then asking can you take me to a
movie yeah yeah i'll get
right on that it's not happening anyways we've gone out four more times since
then of course she is she's
trying to get a whole fucking wardrobe out of you and the only thing i got out
of this girl was a
make out section yeah that was a sympathy one to be honest i wasn't really
expecting to get anything
from this girl so why did you buy her all this dude you got to work on your
self-esteem here man
you're setting yourself up to be a sap and that's exactly what's happening here
this is all on you
and you have the power to change this all right take this girl out next time
not her somebody else
because you've already ruined it with this one okay find another girl take her
out when you take her
out know where the you're gonna go and know what you're gonna do okay and when
she goes no i wish
i had that well hey you know maybe you ought to work some overtime this week
you know don't say
that but just think that go fuck yourself and uh you know and just be silent
when they say that
shit then they'll realize they overstepped some shit and uh you know they'll
probably feel like
they got to make up for it by uh maybe giving you a handy um anyways i'm gonna
plow through this
shit after telling my friends about the first date however all my friends said
what i did was wrong and
i shouldn't have done that all my lady friends said what i did was sweet and
rare for a guy to do
yeah because they want us to buy him shit it's got me at the crossroad of who
to listen to more
listen to the guys on your team stop going on across enemy lines and trying to
figure out what the
fuck you're supposed to do all right fuck all that the only time you talk to
broads is if you know
you're trying to well what should i get her for her birthday what's some chick
shit that you guys like
that's what you do okay you don't fucking ask them you know should i spend all
my money yeah that would
be sweet yeah don't listen to them listen to your friends they're setting you
straight dude you dropped
120 fucking bucks and you didn't even get kissed she got everything she wanted
you didn't get anything
yeah fuck all that dude fuck all that all right don't ask women
advice about fucking women like don't okay immediately you're making it an away
game
okay you fucking talk to your guy friends all right and i'm not talking about
like
you know getting neanderthal advice because guys will give you stupid fucking
advice too case in point
myself but like when it comes to shit like that where you're basically when you
feel like you went too
far the women are always going to side with going too far in their direction
you know what i mean
that would be like if a girl came up to a guy and said listen my boyfriend
wants to like
you know possibly bring another girl into the bedroom should i do that i mean
what the
fuck are you going to say and what are they going to say you know come on