Name: Bill Burr [Advice] LAZY GIRLFRIEND
Uploaded: 2022-03-19T23:01:04.000Z
Description: Watch the stand-up comedy video 'Bill Burr [Advice] LAZY GIRLFRIEND' from Bill Burr Animated on Comedy Buff. Published 2022-03-19. Transcript available.

Watch the stand-up comedy video 'Bill Burr [Advice] LAZY GIRLFRIEND' from Bill Burr Animated on Comedy Buff. Published 2022-03-19. Transcript available.

it's time for advice with your host billy burr and i'm ripping off this melody
from somebody else
all right advice bill since you've uh you've given great advice on
relationships in the past
i'm wondering if you can do it for me i've been with this girl this lady of
mine for years
and we're planning on getting married oh jeez uh we're both only 20 years old i'm
a college
dropout since i'm certainly a more blue collar individual she is going to
college to work with
children we both work full-time jobs mine being the night shift in a warehouse
selecting orders
to go to individual stores stressful and physically challenging uh here's being
hers being a phone answering day job from eight to five working with customers
in a graphic design
shop boring and easy okay he's defined his job is stressful and physically
challenging
and her job is boring and easy never underestimate how tedious a boring job can
be i'd rather do your
job walking around breaking balls look at his fucking shirt dude fucking queer
drive by on the fucking
forklift right guys start a softball league you have a great time rather than
sitting there having your
ass fall asleep in a cubicle listening to people bitch because they can't
figure out how to work
their set it and forget it grass is always greener my friend why don't i shut
my fucking pie hole and
read the rest of this all right since we started dating she seemed to do
everything to keep me
interested uh make me breakfast in the mornings on some on some days go to
concerts with me when she
didn't necessarily like the music um the whole works but i've noticed that she
without she's without
question just been lacking in the care department she just sits and watches tv
every night and eats
and complains about gaining weight i come home in the morning to do dirty
dishes to do the dirty dishes
that piled up in the sink from her having friends over while i'm at work for
the night and get yelled at
for not cleaning them well when i saw them sitting there but i had no part in
making them dirty dude
what the fuck you can't have that she leaves clothes laying around every room
in the house
and that's not even how uh she is with me she has seemed to develop some kind
of self-righteousness
where everything that she where everything that she yeah dude you i i really
got to proofread these
people so many spelling mistake mistakes she has seemed to develop some kind of
self-righteousness
where everything that she says throughout the day should be my main concern and
i should go out of
my way to make her life easier i do her college homework i take care of the two
thousand dollar dog i
bought for her i work on her car when when she nearly runs the damn wheels off
the thing and i do chores
for her family she volunteers me for dude she has your balls in a little that
you know that little
engagement ring you bought her if you bother yet your balls are in there too
the next part is the icing
on the cake she goes as far as to dictate what time i have to go to bed and
wake up in the morning
um evening since i work at nights uh what what i can and can't spend money on
who i can hang out with
what days i can see friends and require me to call her every time i arrive at
work and text her in the
middle of the night when i get off work and request her and i requested to do
nothing outside of what
she does on her day-to-day routine to sum all that up i feel like she's forcing
me into a cookie mold guy
when i actually let her make her own decisions like some strange thing called
an adult all right i'm
going to stop right here dude because this is just going to be more fucking
misery all right
this is this is what i've said this before on the podcast you have to i don't
give a
fuck how good the woman is that you're with you really have to be careful
because all this
shit you see on tv where women are just constantly there's all this fucking
information out there about
how guys are assholes to women there's just reams of it and there needs to be
because guys are assholes
to women so women i think are more aware or at least they should be more aware
because they got all
these goddamn shows with either from one to four twats sitting around bitching
about guys
and all the shit that we do but there's no show on tv where you have four guys
just sitting around a
coffee table you know drinking some hot cocoa with some pillows and wearing
sweaters and their favorite
shoes talking about you know not losing yourself in a relationship that's what
you've done here all this
shit that she's doing is your fault okay and what's great about being a guy is
you can blame the victim
which is why we're better problem solvers all right this is your fault this is
all on you you don't like
any of this shit you have to sit down and talk to her okay you you you're not
required to call her you
can go to bed when you fucking want to go to bed and you can just sit there and
tell it you did those dishes
you clean it up okay now here's the point this is the key with broads this is
what you got to do
you can't be mean there's no reason to be mean here there's no reason to yell
there's no reason to
be angry okay all three of those things is what she wants you to do because
because she knows she's
gonna know she's wrong if you if you if you made the dishes dirty and every day
you're telling me to
clean them up you treat me like i'm fucking alice on the goddamn brady bunch
everybody knows that
that's fucking wrong so what women do when they're fucking wrong is they try to
make the argument about
something else all right so she's gonna do that anyways so but you're gonna
make it easy if you're
angry and you yell at her and you call her fucking names so what you got to do
is you got to you got to
keep keep your fucking cool that's what you got to do keep your fucking cool
and say listen i worked all
night i don't think it's fair that you tell me to come home and i have to do
these dishes when you made
these dishes dirty yourself i don't think it's fair to me to come home in the
morning and have a sink
full of dirty dishes that not only you you and your friends made dirty that's
unacceptable to me that you
want me to wash those that's unacceptable i'm not doing it you have to wash
those i'll wash my dirty
dishes i'm not doing that all right and then then let her flip out let her pout
let her slam the
fucking cabinets let her not fuck you just don't back down rub one out who
gives a fuck it's just an urge
you've already banged her you're not missing anything who gives a fuck but don't
get angry
all right and then just do do to her what she did to you just just reclaim that
territory you're not
doing that you're not doing that anymore all right start with the fucking
dishes and then start with this
i'm not in you know you can actually tag that argument and just say now that we're
on the topic
of discussing things i'm going to go to bed when i want to go to bed i just it
makes me feel like
a child when you're telling me when to go to bed i know when to go to bed all
right now that i've aired
two complaints how about you give me a couple of you got anything you want to
say to me and just stay
cool then when she hits you with some shit if you don't like it tell her you
know i was gonna say
to go fuck herself do you know i don't know what whatever you know what fuck
that last advice just
go with the dishes thing first it's unacceptable that's it if you bring up
something else then you
then it looks like you have all this resentful shit and then she'll try and
spin it like well
if you're feeling all this why didn't you fucking say anything because you're a
cunt that's what's
going to happen and then you're going to lose the argument and the next thing
you know to make up for
it you're not going to be getting any from her and you're gonna be doing a
whole sink full of
fucking dishes that you didn't dirty all right moving on but sir you have all
the power there
just keep you fucking cool thank you for watching billboard animated if you
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