Name: 2 HOURS of BILL BURR ANIMATED - Mega Compilation
Uploaded: 2022-06-16T21:45:09.000Z
Description: Watch the stand-up comedy video '2 HOURS of BILL BURR ANIMATED - Mega Compilation' from Bill Burr Animated on Comedy Buff. Published 2022-06-16. Transcript available.

Watch the stand-up comedy video '2 HOURS of BILL BURR ANIMATED - Mega Compilation' from Bill Burr Animated on Comedy Buff. Published 2022-06-16. Transcript available.

2 HOURS of BILL BURR ANIMATED - Mega Compilation

So, what happened this week, Bill? What'd you do this week, Willie?
I, um, I didn't do any fucking stand-up. I think maybe I did stand-up this week.
I'm on vacation, people. I'm still on vacation. Still on vacation.
As you guys sit there and you work, putting in an honest day, work, making
somebody else's dream come true.
And that dream evidently was to stick everybody in these little fucking cubicles.
You ever think what a fire hazard a cubicle is?
What if there's a fire in your little doorway, you know?
There's no other way to get out. What are you going to do?
Shouldn't there be another doorway to the cubicle next to you?
Do you have a little ladder on the front of it where you climb up and over your
terminal?
Why are you still sitting in that fucking thing?
Surrounded by plastic. They can't give you anything.
How about, like, can they make your mouse made out of, like, wood?
Or maybe some sort of precious metal to somehow act like they give a fuck about
you on any level.
Advice for young marriage.
Dear Bill,
I love your stuff, yada yada.
I'm in a pickle.
I married when I was 18 to a 30-year-old woman.
Get out.
Get out immediately.
If you're wired like a man, get out.
A woman has more sophisticated wiring than a man.
So she can be 12 years younger.
All right?
I don't know if they're more sophisticated, but different things motivate
themselves.
What am I saying?
Motivate them.
All right?
They're motivated by different things other than, look at the tits on her.
All right.
I don't.
All right.
So when you're 38, she's going to be 50.
All right?
And you're going to walk into the bedroom.
I don't know.
That's, that's, uh, maybe I'm not mature enough to do that.
Why am I superimposing my shit onto your shit?
Why don't I just read what you have to say?
I'm sorry.
That was a real selfish moment there.
All right.
This guy's in a pickle.
I'm married.
He says, I'm married.
I, I married when I was 18 to a 30-year-old woman whom I deeply loved.
I didn't get to that point.
I'm already telling you, leave.
I, I'm sorry, sir.
Anyways, he goes, I had low self-esteem then.
I used to play World of Warcraft, be lazy, and have a beard.
I am 23 now, and I still love my life, but my life has changed.
I'm fit, clean-shaven, and more successful.
Therefore, women are showing interest in me at last.
My wife is getting older, and I still like her and a lot, like her a lot, and
find her
attractive, but the age gap coupled with her bad PMS is starting to affect me.
Yeah, and that's not going to get better, sir.
Like, and she's still young.
I already know where I'm going to go with this.
My wife is kind, fun when not having PMS, and a good mother.
Oh, you have kids?
Uh-oh, wait a second, dude.
When I am around hot 18 to 25-year-old women, I feel like I cannot control
myself.
So far, I have controlled myself, but I feel like I'm fighting a losing battle.
What do I do?
My wife has seen the conflict within me and sympathizes.
She sometimes says that I can have some fun with other women if I tell her
first, but I don't
know if this is true or is a honey trap.
I don't know what that means.
My wife is honest, but when emotions get in the way, I don't know how she will
behave.
Do I secretly cheat when I have a good opportunity to get away with it?
Do I talk to her about some freedom?
Do I leave her before the time bomb implodes, explodes, sorry?
Or do I knuckle down and masturbate myself into submission, having lower self-esteem
and
missing out on fun, but being a better husband?
Well, dude, I applaud your honesty.
Listen, you have to do what's right for you at the end of the day.
I don't know if you have.
Are those kids your kids?
I don't know, dude.
Look, I'm not trying to blame her, but what kind of a 30-year-old marries an 18-year-old,
man or woman, all right?
You're a fucking kid.
She's a woman.
She married a fucking child.
I know legally you're a man, but you're not.
And that goes to the same thing if a guy, a fucking 30-year-old man marries an
18-year-old.
Like, I don't know how that's fucking legal.
Even though the woman is legal and she is a woman, she's a fucking child
compared to a
30-year-old, all right?
And just the mental fucking tennis, just how much further, that's a huge amount
of time
in your life, all right?
If you're 50 and your wife's 38 or you're 50, your husband's 38, that's a
different thing,
okay?
30 to 18 is huge.
I mean, you're talking like she's almost twice your fucking age.
12-year gap, you've only lived 18 years.
What is she, three-quarters your age?
Come on, you mathletes.
What is that?
All right.
I don't know what to tell you if you already have kids with this woman.
I don't know what the answer is.
But if those are her kids, you're 23, so you've been married five.
She's 35.
She still has a chance.
She's still young.
She can still go out and meet somebody more around her age.
Dude, you got married too young.
You got married way too fucking young to somebody way too old.
That's what I think.
That's just what I think.
But I don't have the feelings you have for this woman, all right?
This is just me on the outside looking in.
I am a commitment foe.
I am a psycho.
And I am a piece of shit when it comes to fucking women, all right?
And I've earned that in spades, believe me.
So take what I'm saying with a grain of fucking salt, all right?
You're talking about a 45-year-old guy who never got married
and fucked up every relationship he was ever in.
That's what you're talking to right here, okay?
So I just know what I wanted to do when I was 23 years old.
And I was also, ah, man, I mean, like 18 to 23 years old,
you're supposed to be out there experiencing being young
and all that has to offer.
That's what you're supposed to be in discovering about yourself, okay?
Now, however, if you married this woman and you had kids with her,
you do have a responsibility.
And that's a whole other can of worms.
And a can of worms that is not in my life yet.
So I don't know how to advise you on that.
All right?
You know, there are some things, you know,
some things in life you do miss out on.
And sometimes you get this other great thing,
but because of that great thing,
you don't have enough time to enjoy this other thing.
So you might be in that situation.
If you have fucking kids,
I would say ask somebody else who has kids.
Ask somebody else who's in your boat.
But look, if those are her kids,
and you got married at 18 and she's 30,
and now you're 23 and she's 35,
I don't know what to do.
That whole fucking,
I don't know what to do.
I would say get out.
I would say get out.
That's what I would say.
I guess that's what I am saying.
But I don't understand whether you have kids yet.
I don't know if you have kids with her.
And I don't know how,
how deep is your love for that woman?
How deep is your,
I don't know, you know,
I don't have enough information on that one, sir.
But my gut's saying that you should,
shoving off the buffalo.
I feel, you know what?
I feel irresponsible on that one.
I don't know that I gave you good advice, sir.
I would ask around more.
So there's a jump off point.
My ignorant thoughts.
How to ask out a bank teller.
Dear Billy Balding Balls.
Come on, guys.
Can't you be a little nicer to me, man?
It's the holiday.
It's the holiday season.
A doobie doobie do.
First, I'd like to say that I recently discovered
your podcast a few months ago.
And have been tuning in every week.
Dude, this is what the guy writes.
First of all,
I'm going to read exactly what he wrote.
First, I'd like to say that I recently discovered
your podcast a few months ago.
And have tuning every week since then.
I enjoy listening to you rant when I'm at work.
I don't feel like I'm ranting.
Dude, ranting is short for ranting and raving.
I mean, I got a little upset about global warming.
Whiplash weather.
Climate change.
But I mean, you know.
But getting to the point, I'm 18 years old
and started working out this summer.
And things have been going well.
That's great.
I've gained some weight.
Can visibly see the change in my body.
With that being said,
when I still have my shirt on,
I still look relatively skinny.
Dude, that's great.
You know, someday in the future,
you're going to wish you were still wiry and skinny.
I say all that to say that women don't line up
to be with me.
Dude, you're only 18.
You're already going to talk yourself out of the game.
There's this cute lady who looks around my age
who works at a bank
that I see every week.
And we've had a few good conversations.
I'd like to know your advice
on how to ask her out
without being awkward
or embarrassing her
in front of her coworkers.
Thanks.
And much love from Arkansas.
All right.
You go in there with this ski mask.
Freak her out like you're going to rob her.
And then when she reads the note,
you're just asking for her number.
I mean, that's one of the easiest ones ever.
I would, yeah.
I'd slip her a note right under the thing.
Who gives a fuck?
You're making your deposit and everything.
Oh, you just say,
oh, I got one more transaction
or something like that.
Whatever.
You just fucking write it out.
Either ask for her number
or give her your number.
Well, I don't know what.
If you give,
ask for her fucking number.
I've been out of the game for a while, man.
If you give her the number,
then she has to write hers down.
Do they pick it up on the security camera?
But I really think
you got to write something down
because you don't want to be trying to yell
through that bulletproof glass.
You know?
Do you have a boyfriend?
You know?
You don't want to sit out in the parking lot
and wait for her to come out on her lunch break
because that'll freak her out.
I think you just, you know,
let's see, what did you say?
Cute lady around my age.
You've even had a few good conversations.
I was just picturing you ask for a number
and she says no.
And just listening to you scream whore
from the other side of that bulletproof glass.
But it also is, it's Arkansas.
Is there even any glass there
because everybody's packing?
Good.
Take your gun out.
I'd like to see you try.
Yeah.
How to ask her out
without it being awkward
or embarrassing in front of her.
I will be honest with you.
The awkwardness and the embarrassing
is just all how you carry yourself.
You know?
Who gives a shit?
You like her.
You're telling her you like her.
You think she's attractive
and you want to take her out.
It's flattering.
All right?
Get up to bat and take a swing.
But I think I would definitely,
I think I would write something down.
Withdrawal.
You write it on the withdrawal.
You're making withdrawal.
You're taking her out of the bank.
If it's a deposit,
it's only going to go one way.
It's going to go on the other side of that glass
and nothing's coming back.
Okay, you need the mojo here.
You got to ask for her.
You ask for her number on a withdrawal slip.
There you go.
Final answer.
Hey, breakup advice.
All right, let's try to break the tension here.
I'm 27
and just broke up with my girlfriend at two years.
We took a break for about three months last summer.
Got back together in September
and have been going together ever since.
Let's read that again.
I was too busy thinking of the other thing.
I'm 27, just broke up with my girlfriend at two years.
We took a break for about three months last summer.
Got back together in September
and been together ever since.
I'm going to guess
that you're going to find out
she fucked somebody in those three months.
We've been arguing a lot
over the past two months or so,
but it's all about bullshit.
Nothing serious.
Just little nagging things
that get us all worked up
and then it turns into a much bigger fight
about how we don't see the same way
on priorities and key relationship points.
Yeah, you guys, you broke up.
You got lonely.
You got back together.
This happens.
This is like the breakups, the tsunami,
and then this is the aftershock
and finally the second wave.
One fight a couple weeks ago
actually was because she thought
she left the stove on.
I sai