Name: Bill Burr - Size Matters
Uploaded: 2022-06-27T21:00:15.000Z
Description: Watch the stand-up comedy video 'Bill Burr - Size Matters' from Bill Burr Animated on Comedy Buff. Published 2022-06-27. Transcript available.

Watch the stand-up comedy video 'Bill Burr - Size Matters' from Bill Burr Animated on Comedy Buff. Published 2022-06-27. Transcript available.

All right, size issues. Oh, Jesus. Here we go again.
Here we go again. Maybe you need a motorcycle.
All right.
Size issues.
¿Qué pasa, Belenardo?
Hola, Belenardo, ¿qué pasa?
Ocho.
We all know your disability to read properly.
Well, you know what? You don't even know how to write a sentence properly.
Half of this shit is I get too far in front of myself, and the other half is
you guys don't know how to write a fucking sentence.
We all know your disability to read properly.
Is that even written correctly, or am I a moron again?
We all know you have a disability when it comes to reading properly.
Isn't that how it's supposed to be?
I don't know. Fuck.
So I'm going to give it my best shot to keep it very short.
Look at you coming with the arrogance like you have all life figured out, right?
You got something tattooed on your ribcage.
Um, as you may have read the subject title of this email, you may already know
where this is heading.
Yeah, you seem pretty cocky for a guy with a little dick.
Um, he says, I recently got into an argument with my girlfriend, who I've been
with for a little more than two and a half years,
where she told me that she wished I had a bigger dick.
Oh, man.
Yeah, that relationship is over, dude.
That relationship is over one of two ways.
Either one, she's just trying to be so fucking mean to you that you break up
with her because she doesn't want to be the bad guy.
Or she's just such a fucking self-involved human being that she doesn't realize,
like, how mean that is.
That'd be like you said, yeah, I like you.
I wish your tits were bigger.
That would just be the meanest fucking thing.
Why would you say that to somebody that you cared about?
That's a horrible thing to say, sir.
You know what?
You started off as an arrogant cunt.
Now I'm feeling bad for you.
Dude, that's not the mother of your kids.
Just take the dick out of the equation.
What if you just said your nose is too big?
That's just fucking, uh, that's, that's, that's, that's just something a
terrible person says.
She goes, I was shocked to hear this and didn't know what to say.
There's nothing to say.
There's nothing you can do about it.
This is the first time she ever mentioned my penis size.
Also the first time in my life, by the way, I guess anybody's ever brought it
up.
To be honest, I don't know that I'm not well endowed with my 5.5 inch rocket.
You're a little below average, sir.
I'm not gonna lie to you.
Now I'm being mean.
You know, you can grab the rim, but you can't stuff at home, if you know what I
mean.
Um, and I did have little, uh, have insecurities about it in the past, but
learned to accept it and moved on.
I never heard any of my former bed partner girls complain, and the sex was
usually great.
Um, I know that it may sound ridiculous, but those few words were heartbreaking
to hear and put a big giant stain on my confidence.
Yeah, it's a terrible thing that she said.
I haven't felt like having sex ever since, and she made, oh, ever since she
made that remark, and I am afraid it's going to be a while.
I haven't spoken to her since the argument, since I work a lot, we don't live
together.
I know it's a stupid thing to be upset about.
No, it isn't, sir.
You're 100% in the right.
100% in the right.
And he goes, and I usually don't really care about penis sizes, but hearing
that you're small from your own girlfriend is a whole other story.
I'm typically not that guy that gets back at her by pointing out her physical
flaws, but I don't know where to go from here.
Uh, it's even been difficult texting with her.
What do I do, Bill?
Got any advice?
Okay, you said you don't know where to go from here?
I can tell you exactly where to go.
Right out her front fucking door.
That's it.
It's a wrap, sir.
It's a wrap, okay?
Now listen, I'm not saying that she's wrong for wanting a bigger dick, okay?
Like, she needs more to satisfy her or whatever, or she just wants to go out
and bang some fucking big dick dude at this pool.
All right?
You know, but her tact is wrong, okay?
You had accepted yourself, which is one of the greatest things you can do that
leads towards being happy every day,
which leads you to treating the people around you respectfully, which leads
them to treating you respectfully, which leads to more happiness.
She fucked with the core of your happiness, you know?
You felt good about yourself.
She pointed out something and made you feel horrible about yourself.
It's one of the worst fucking things she could have done as far as mentally to
you.
And right now, the last thing you want to do is go out and say the same thing
to her.
All right?
This is what, if you really want to get her back, just say, and the childishest
thing for me to do would point out some of your physical flaws.
And the great thing is, is you leave it ambiguous, okay?
And I guarantee you, she's going to be in a bathroom mirror staring at herself,
if you want to get mean, okay?
But, you know what this, but I got to tell you something, what's even better,
you got to have this, what's known as the self-esteem breakup, okay?
Which, you're totally in the right here, and you just say, listen, all right?
What you said to me, I used to feel good about myself, and what you said to me
messed with the core of my own happiness and how I feel about myself.
And that's not what I'm looking for in a girlfriend or a potential wife.
And I just can't see you ever being a good mother, if you would say something
like that.
It's just something along those lines.
I don't know.
I keep going mean.
Don't go mean.
Dude, this is, you should feel good about yourself, all right?
You're not what she's making you out to be here, all right?
That's it.
You're still in the game, sir, okay?
You're not part of the starting five.
Hey, neither am I.
Yeah, man, that's dead.
You're 100% advice.
My advice would be that this girl is not anywhere near the level of maturity
she needs to be, and might never even get to that level.
The only redeeming thing that I can say to her is she has such a difficult time
doing what she wants to do in life that maybe she wanted to break up with you
for a while, and she didn't know how to do it, and was building up, and then
there was just an argument, and then she just said that.
Or, I don't know.
Have you said anything to her?
I have no idea.
Oh, it's funny.
He says, thanks for the weekly podcast.
You have no idea what it means to me.
See you in Amsterdam.
Well, from what this other guy was writing, sir, there's a bunch of beautiful
ladies out there in Amsterdam.
Yeah, dude.
They're all riding bikes.
They're in great goddamn shade.
Go out and go get...
Go find yourself a sweetheart.
All right?
All right.
There you go.
All right.