Name: Bill Burr - Roasts Gym People
Uploaded: 2024-06-25T15:20:57.000Z
Description: Watch the stand-up comedy video 'Bill Burr - Roasts Gym People' from Bill Burr Animated on Comedy Buff. Published 2024-06-25. Transcript available.

Watch the stand-up comedy video 'Bill Burr - Roasts Gym People' from Bill Burr Animated on Comedy Buff. Published 2024-06-25. Transcript available.

how are you doing hopefully hopefully you're hearing this thing on time if not
sooner last
week i um i recorded the thing on sunday then of course i brought the wrong
wire so i couldn't
upload it right and then i do my thursday one my internet just sucks in my i
don't know what's
going on like in my neighborhood right they don't want you know when they put
those trees up it
looks like a weird looking tree but you can't really tell unless you look at it
and it gives
your good internet well in my neighborhood they don't want that we don't want
that it it affects
the integrity of the landscape in the neighborhood right so we don't have one
of those so my internet
sucks so what i have to do now it just keeps getting worse by the week and um i
don't know if this is
part of some other bullshit some big conglomerates buying up bandwidth and all
this shit where they
try to squeeze me down the fucking little porthole they want me to go down i
don't even know if that's
under the same category that's just some shit that i heard walking by a tv in
an airport all
right so don't hold me to that um all i know is now whenever i do my fucking
podcast what i have to
do is i then have to jump in the car after i upload it and then drive down to a
local starbucks
and i gotta stand there you know eating a muffin waiting for the fucking thing
to upload
actually i'm not i'm not eating a muffin all right old billy gym rat huh old
billy squat face
you gotta want it i've been going to the gym now for fucking two weeks and um
you know i fucked up
yesterday a buddy of mine's parents were in town we went to this greek
restaurant i ate like a fucking
horse and uh you know yeah it's just it's just fucking my age you just can't do
that you can't
like negate two days of working out but uh i'm still going to the gym i'm
holding steady i was i was 177.8
starting off at 184 i dropped seven pounds almost a fucking lot more like six
pounds and uh i'm not
stopping and i'm gonna keep saying this because if i don't tell you guys this
you won't hold it to me
you won't hold it to me you won't hold me to it i gotta get down to buck 62 the
last time or whatever
fucking weight it is why i finally have a flat stomach or you know what i mean
what i've always said
all right there's standing up flat stomach there's lying down flat stomach and
then the ultimate shape
is sitting down flat stomach right the ultimate truth is when you sit down and
you look down that's
that's the fucking shape you're in and i gotta tell you i don't like it
i don't like it at all so you wouldn't know by my coughing i haven't had a
cigar in a fucking month
and i like it i think i'm done with them for a while i'm gonna i'm gonna smoke
one new year's
my birthday and then like that big college game i go to every year and then
that's fucking it
you know what i mean i had this fucking cough for like a few weeks you know
some sort of throat
infection but i mentioned to the guy that i smoked cigars and he took his
little fucking mirror and he
was looking at the side of my tongue for cancerous lesions and immediately i'm
just like what am i
doing what am i an asshole where do i get off smoking a cigar like i just
figured out the fucking
economy you know like i just uh you know carved a path towards world peace i
haven't all i did was
come up for more hateful hurtful misinterpreted material that's all i've done i
don't deserve a cigar
um so anyways i've been going to the gym i've just decided that going to the
gym is part of my day
all right it's not a part of my day that i like i don't like the gym
you know you know the fucking song they had on today remember that song y'all
ready for this
bam bam bam bam how the fuck are y'all ready for this i'm gonna start singing
my stupid uh
dubstep shit though how the fuck does it go y'all ready for this i can't
remember how it goes it's
like it always plays this fucking awful keyboard and then it stops and some
dude ask you are y'all
ready for this you know they played that they played herbie hancock though
rocket which you know
i actually appreciate that song but i mean i just don't understand why the
music has to be so bad
so anyways i was going to the gym and i'm walking in my car i'm just muttering
like i don't want to
do this i don't want to do this i don't want to do this and it turned into i
don't want to do this
i don't want to do this i don't want to do this but the second i do this it's
over all right
the second i'm done it's over that's what i just kept saying i don't want to do
this i don't
want to do this i don't want to do this but the second it's done it's over i'm
fucking walking up
the steps to my gym you know when people fucking walking out of the gym too i'm
so jealous of them
that they're done you know and people coming out of the gym they're in a good
mood they hold the
fucking door for you and shit big smile hey how are you good you're working out
on right people
fucking dragging ass walking into the gym they fucking open they don't even
look back at you
they do everything but slam the fucking door in your face right then you walk
up to the counter
there's that little spunky perky little chick there with their fucking ponytails
pretending she doesn't realize that she's sort of dressed like you know like
something you'd order
you know what i mean you know why can't you show up with your hair like an
adult okay this is how
much i hate the gym i'm actually taking it out on this person and she probably
didn't look like that
at all right i just fucking hate it and then you go over to the mat where you're
going to go stretch
out and what happens every time you go over there some is fucking male or
female has sweated it on the
fucking map and didn't even wipe it up and even if they did wipe it up you see
that you're like well
what the fuck am i laying on here right i shouldn't have wore shorts it's
fucking gross
so um i don't know but i haven't been in the gym a while with the gym etiquette
i don't know what
the fuck happened you know the deal like if you're using a machine you use it
then you stand up right
you sort of walk around a little bit in case somebody else wants to use it i
was doing legs
today legs and eggs right i do a set of the things you know where you're
sitting down you bring your
fucking feet up whatever you call those things and then i go over to do the
ones where you're doing
the back of your legs and then i do the squat machine i'm going back to get
into the first one
it's called doing a little cycle there right one two three the crew was called
bdp right you go
fucking three of them and i go back to the first one and it's just fucking
finishes the set and then
he's just sitting there staring down at his fucking iphone you know and i didn't
say anything because
the last time that happened i said to this lady i said hey can i work in she's
like what and they
take out my earbuds what i'm like can i work a set in and she's like i only
have two more and she
just puts it back in ah i wanted to give her a fucking flare chop right up
right over the top of
her fucking breast but you can't do that can't do that now they're out of the
house they got jobs
they can vote it's fucking over um there was a time when they weren't even
allowed to jibs