Name: Letterman, March 4, 1983 (full)
Uploaded: 2015-09-02T02:41:26.000Z
Description: Watch the stand-up comedy video 'Letterman, March 4, 1983 (full)' from Don Giller on Comedy Buff. Published 2015-09-02. Transcript available.

Watch the stand-up comedy video 'Letterman, March 4, 1983 (full)' from Don Giller on Comedy Buff. Published 2015-09-02. Transcript available.

Letterman, March 4, 1983 (full)

Now a special David Letterman.
From New York, the taxi race capital of the world,
it's Late Night with David Letterman.
Tonight, actress-comedienne Madeline Kahn,
singer Chaka Khan,
comedian Pee-wee Herman,
and our own Larry Bud Melman.
Also, another look at new gift diamonds and taxi races.
And now a man who knows that unlisted numbers are really listed,
but the operator just won't give them out,
David Letterman!
And now a man who knows that unlisted numbers will not give you a chance to
come back to the world.
And now a man who knows that unlisted numbers will not give you a chance to
come back to the world.
And now a man who knows that unlisted numbers will not give you a chance to
come back to the world.
And now a man who knows that unlisted numbers will not give you a chance to
come back to the world.
And now a man who knows that unlisted numbers will not give you a chance to
come back to the world.
And now a man who knows that unlisted numbers will not give you a chance to
come back to the world.
And now a man who knows that unlisted numbers will not give you a chance to
come back to the world.
And now a man who knows that unlisted numbers will not give you a chance to
come back to the world.
And now a man who knows that unlisted numbers will not give you a chance to
come back to the world.
And now a man who knows that unlisted numbers will not give you a chance to
come back to the world.
It's awfully darn pleasant to you folks. Thank you very much.
Welcome to the program.
We normally are not on on Friday nights.
Tonight we are.
And that is all I can tell you about why we are here.
And we're happy nonetheless to be here.
Boy, oh boy.
Did you see this?
I was leafing through a television guide publication to check on my upcoming
favorite programs.
And that's incredible, which has long been one of my favorites.
Honestly, I hate to say this, but I think they're running out of steam.
Monday night on That's Incredible, they're doing like a 20-minute segment about
a guy in Milwaukee who keeps a dog as a pet.
That is incredible, isn't it?
We got a wonderful program for you folks here tonight.
Let me introduce our good friend, Mr. Paul Schaefer, before we get to the end.
Thanks, Michelle.
I love these Friday night specials because they're special.
And I'm in a kind of special mood.
And I know everybody in here is just very, very special.
And it's a special day.
It is.
It is indeed a special day.
And let me explain to you why we have a...
Let me tell you about the guests.
Madeline Kahn is here tonight.
Thank you.
And filling in for Hiram Bullock, we have Steve Kahn on guitar tonight, ladies
and gentlemen.
How many of you are named Kahn?
How many of you came for the...
Everyone here named Kahn, of course, receives a blender.
That was our idea.
It seems to be working out pretty well.
Oh, also, comedian Pee-wee Herman will be joining us.
And a special appearance by our good friend, Mr. Larry Melman.
He'll be...
Okay, now, at this point, I would introduce Paul, but I've already introduced
him, haven't I?
I'll introduce him again, because there's something awkward transpires if I don't.
Paul Schaefer, ladies and gentlemen.
You know, ladies and gentlemen, it's a special...
This is a special, and we're all special.
That's all.
Okay, thank you, Paul.
Well said.
I couldn't have formed those words better myself.
I appreciate it.
And that helped us avoid what potentially could have been a really awkward
moment here, but no problem now.
Well, as viewers, regular viewers of this program know, every now and then, we
like to present you with a new list of new products that have been introduced
recently on the market.
And since early March is, in fact, the traditional gift-giving season, what
better time to examine these innovative new gift items than right now?
New gift items, ladies and gentlemen.
Special Friday night installment of new gift items.
Well, you know, everyone has been to a party where a well-meaning host sets out
bowls of bridge mix.
Where do we have...
Oh, here's the bridge mix right here.
There would be the bridge mix.
A bewildering jumble of peanuts, pretzel sticks, and wheat checks.
Finally, you can bring order to this chaos with the new bridge mix organizer.
Now, this appliance separates the three snack foods in seconds using no more
current than is required for an arc welder.
Let me show you how this works.
You take the bridge mix, put it into the hopper here of the bridge mix
organizer, and in minutes, it is separated into three canisters.
Now, you know, frequent party givers know there are always a few stragglers who
can't seem to say goodnight.
Well, that's why a prominent psychologist developed these cocktail napkins,
imprinted with a powerful subconscious message.
Hand them out with a nightcap, and even the most determined guest will get the
hint.
You're very rude.
Can't you see that we are tired?
And the other one here is...
Where is the other one?
Oh, tomorrow is another day.
You'll want to get an early start.
Those are subconscious messages for your guests.
Well, from the modern technology of microwave cooking, the convenience of
modern technology is now in your own backyard with the new microwave barbecue.
No more crowding of hot dogs and hamburgers on a tiny grill, not when this open-faced
microwave quickly cooks everything within a quarter-mile radius to golden
perfection.
This also incinerates flying pests.
Now, let me see.
If you buy one of these right now, they'll give you one of these handy new cookbooks,
and it'll give you all of the recipes you need for microwave barbecuing and so
on and so forth.
Oh, I got a little too close to the fire, apparently.
Oh, good.
More peanuts.
All right.
Okay, that's the microwave barbecue grill.
Well, you know, it's easy to forget that those colossal dinosaurs of eons past
had brains the size of a peanut.
But your family will relearn this vital fact every time they reach for a snack
with this delightful dinosaur brain nut dispenser right here.
Just lift the skull of this hefty brontosaurus to reveal his embarrassingly
small nerve center.
There you go.
Kind of a nut dispenser.
Now, this is nice for folks who love sporting events but just aren't
mathematically inclined.
This is the new paperback stopwatch.
I'll demonstrate how this works.
One Mississippi, two Mississippi.
Now, properly used, this is accurate to a one-hundredth of a second, the paperback
stopwatch.
Okay.
Now, you know, few experiences can match the serenity and peace of a sensory
deprivation tank,
but how many of us can take the time out from our busy schedules?
I know I can't.
Well, now with this new isolation suit, you can get in touch with your innermost
self while running errands or meeting business associates,
and the 260 gallons of warm saline solution can be released instantly in case
of an emergency.
Oh, excuse me.
This is the sensory deprivation suit.
No outer stimulus can reach the person inside.
He's just in there.
No light, no sound.
Just the 260 gallons of saline solution.
Awesome.
Yes, it is awesome, isn't it?
There he goes.
Next, old meets new and east meets west, east meets west, in an atmosphere of
tolerance and brotherhood.
I'm speaking, of course, of these clever chopstick attachments for the modern
Chinese food lover.
This, of course, includes your fork, your knife, your spoon, and dental
examination mirror.
Just place these right on like that.
Suddenly you've got a fork.
There you go.
Okay.
You know, a few years ago, actor Lee Majors decided he was a little fed up with
the old traditional cuckoo clock in his den,
so he applied his years of experience on television action shows,
and he designed and built this thrilling new stunt clock.
Now, every hour on the hour, this clock reenacts the exciting climax of a made-for-TV
movie.
Here's how it works.
The car coming down, and...
Oh, my God, it burst into flame.
It's unbelievable, isn't it?
It occurs to me here that I forgot to mention one very exciting element of this
program tonight.
I didn't mention the taxi races, did I?
Oh, no.
That's right.
Tonight, during rush hour traffic, three people from our studio audience will
race in yellow cabs around one block of Midtown Manhattan.
All of that, just much more, right after this.
Paul, welcome back to the program.
Ladies and gentlemen, since we first...
Oh, it's this guy again.
Excuse me.
Nothing like a running gag that doesn't work.
You know what I mean?
Excuse me, right over here.
No, I'm sorry.
This is the sensory deprivation suit you enjoyed so earlier in the show.
There you are, right through there.
Sensory deprivation suit.
Since the beginning of this program, way back in the late 50s, we have treated
the American viewing public to such mid-city spectacles as the Chinese food
delivery race, the pizza delivery race, elevator races.
We even helped construct the World Trade Towers for the benefit of you viewing
around North America.
Tonight, ladies and gentlemen, for the first time as far as I know, anywhere...
Have you ever heard of this, Paul, anywhere else?
Never heard of this.
Never heard of it anywhere else.
Taxi cab races right here in Midtown Manhattan, ladies and gentlemen.
Yes, I know at home you're saying, this is dangerous and ugly.
Yes, you're right.
Ugliness and danger, the bywords for this program.
So it's roughly...
Now, what time is it here roughly in New York City?
5.43.
5.43.
We're dead right smack in the middle of rush hour.
So let me have the three contestants who have been pre-selected, if you will,
come down here and we'll begin the...
Hi.
How are you?
Nice to see you.
Why don't you...
Excuse me.
So why don't you stand right over there?
That's fine.
Yeah.
Numerical order.
That's it.
No, we get confused here.
Three actually should be the...
There you go.
Two should be right in the middle.
How do you do?
What is your name?
Hi, I'm Marilyn Keller.
Marilyn...
Fan club.
Oh, you have a fan club.
Yes.
Now, where are you from, Marilyn?
Anglewood, New Jersey.
So have you done any riding in cabs?
Sure I have.
And you pretty much...
I'm very good at it.
Now, after it's over, you don't mind submitting to tests to see if there are
illegal substances in your system?
Absolutely.
No, Marilyn, it's just a joke.
Apparently not even just a joke.
Well, nice to meet you, Marilyn.
You'll be in lane number one.
And you, sir, are...
Vincent Solisi.
Vincent, where are you from?
Avondale, New Jersey.
Avondale.
Avondale?
Avondale, New Jersey.
And have you ever done any competitive cab riding?
Competitive?
No.
Yeah.
It's always competitive out there.
How long have you been riding in cabs?
About three years.
So you feel you have a pretty good rapport with the street and the driver and
so on and so forth?
Street-wise.
All right.
Well, good luck to you, sir.
What do you do for a living?
Programmer analyst.
Program analyst?
I'm sorry.
What?
Someone's whispering here.
Yes, sir?
You talking to the lady?
Yes, she's in the shot.
Oh, you're in the shot.
For heaven's sakes.
People whispering at the poor woman, for heaven's sakes.
And what is your name?
Marianne Bottlewitch.
Marianne Bottlewitch?
Bottlewitch.
Bottlewitch.
Yes.
Nice to meet you.
Where are you from, Marianne?
North Arlington, New Jersey.
And what do you do for a living?
I'm a secretary.
And you also probably have some experience riding in cabs?
Not really.
Really?
No.
They're yellow.
You know that pretty much.
Yeah, I know that.
Come on in here, folks.
Now, how is it that you've not ridden in cabs much?
I drive cars.
You drive.
Okay.
Well, that experience should serve you well.
I'm going to now read you folks the rules.
Let me show you the map, the course, first of all.
This is one block of pretty expensive real estate right here in Manhattan.
You folks are going to be starting from 49th Street.
This is the start-finish line.
Now, you take that all the way down here to 6th Avenue or Avenue of the
Americas.
Now, don't have the cab driver put the car in reverse and go this way in the
cab,
but th