Name: Who Asked For It on Letterman, March 20, 1984
Uploaded: 2015-09-09T20:28:58.000Z
Description: Watch the stand-up comedy video 'Who Asked For It on Letterman, March 20, 1984' from Don Giller on Comedy Buff. Published 2015-09-09. Transcript available. Featuring Chris Elliott's first Comparison Test bits.

Watch the stand-up comedy video 'Who Asked For It on Letterman, March 20, 1984' from Don Giller on Comedy Buff. Published 2015-09-09. Transcript available. Featuring Chris Elliott's first Comparison Test bits.

Okay, ladies and gentlemen, listen very closely.
A lot of meetings went into what I'm about to read.
We've been on the air for over two years.
We've done this particular segment eight, nine times.
Today, we had a day-long meeting about what you're about to hear,
so listen carefully and make notes,
and if something is out of line, whatever you do, don't sue us.
Every few weeks, we like to reserve some time to explore
what's on the mind of the television-watching public
to answer questions about the kind of things
they'd like to see on big-time network television.
We've got some folks here in the studio with questions.
Who's first in Who Asked For It?
I think we're covered. I think we're all right.
All right, yes, sir, you obviously are first in Who Asked For It.
May I have your name, sir?
Matt Meyerson.
Matt Meyerson, and what do you do for a living, Matt?
I work in New York here, painting apartments.
I'm sorry, you're painting apartments?
Yes.
Oh, okay.
And what would you like to see on big-time network TV?
Well, I'd like, if I could, to see a man roller skating on a girder.
Man?
You mean like an iron worker on a construction site
roller skating on a girder?
Yeah.
Geez, I don't, we don't have anything like that.
Let me, let's check the other networks.
Turn this baby on.
All right.
And, oh, this is, okay, this is ABC.
Let's see if they have anything.
No, no, no, that man's actually on stilts on a girder.
Let me try another one.
This is a CBS late movie with Columbo.
Let's see what, no, gee, I'm awfully sorry.
Nobody, uh...
Nobody, no, don't, Bill.
Thanks, anyway.
Thank you very much, and...
Sorry we couldn't get the man roller skating on the girder there.
Yes, we have our next participant.
How do you do, ma'am?
What is your name, please?
Lynn Carlson.
Lynn, and are you from New York City?
No.
No, and where are you?
Bettendorf, Iowa.
North Iowa?
Bettendorf, Iowa.
Oh, Bettendorf, Iowa.
And what do you do for a living now?
I'm a student.
Uh-huh, and what would you like to see on big-time network television?
I would like to see the Vienna Boys Choir.
Well, uh, it's quite a musical night.
All you had to do was ask, ladies and gentlemen,
a nice warm welcome for the Vienna Boys Choir.
Kids?
Thank you.
Thank you very much, ma'am.
I hope you enjoyed that.
You know, those doors move so damn fast,
someone's going to get hurt some night.
Yes, sir, welcome to the show.
What is your name, please?
Leon Schmertz.
Leon Schmertz.
And, uh, Leon, aside from thinking up funny last names,
what do you, uh, what do you do for a living?
I'm a waiter.
You're a waiter.
All right, sir.
What, uh, what would you like to see on big-time network television?
Well, my favorite television show is MASH,
and since it's been off the air, I've missed it.
Yeah.
I miss seeing it every week.
I wonder if it's possible if I could see a scene from MASH.
No, I'm sorry.
This is, uh...
See what you...
Dave?
I have to understand, we're not miracle workers.
Excuse me, Dave?
Dave?
Dave?
MASH was on NBC...
Dave Letterman.
Excuse me.
Over here.
Yes, Paul.
Uh, I may be able to help out here.
As you know, we kids in the band are constantly expanding our range as
performers.
Yeah.
We've been working on our acting, and, uh, we do a little MASH thing.
Uh-huh.
Uh, I don't know whether you want to see it or anything.
Well, let me see it.
Would...
Let me, uh...
Let me check with Mr. Schmertz.
Uh...
Yeah, I'd like to see it.
Would that be all right with you?
Yeah, that'd be terrific.
Okay.
All right, if it's all right with him, it's certainly all right with me.
Take it away.
Okay, here we go.
We're in the operating room.
I will assume the role of Hawkeye, a part, of course, made famous by Alan Alda,
and Hiram
will be playing a stuffed shirt three-star general.
He's getting hot under the collar because I'm being really irreverent.
Okay, here we go.
This is a scene from MASH.
Captain Pierce, I find your manner positively insulting.
Oh, yeah, General?
Well, someone just insulted this kid's body.
That's it.
That's it.
Very nice.
Thank you.
Very nice.
Thank you.
Very nice.
On a little thing.
No, it's very nice.
Very nice.
All right, yes, ma'am.
What would you like to see on big-time television?
Well, I've seen Dudley Moore do this trick where he pulls out a tablecloth, and
if you would,
I'd like to see you try it.
Well, you know, that's funny you should mention that because he did that on
this very show,
and I'll be happy to do what I can to recreate that moment.
Could we have the table and the place settings and the tablecloth out here?
Well, look, apparently the Vienna Boys Choir has taken a powder.
I'll be darned.
All right, thank you very much.
Thank you, gentlemen.
Thank you so much.
All right, here is pretty much the way Dudley did it, and he also did this in a
motion picture.
A tablecloth, place setting.
Thank you very much.
It's all in the wrists.
Thank you.
Thank you.
Thank you very much.
Is it going all right, Paul?
Are things going all right tonight?
This is a swinging shot.
All right.
Yes, we have one more, yes, a lovely young lady in the audience.
What is your name, ma'am?
Lori Peish.
Lori who?
Peish.
Peish.
All right.
Lori, what do you do for a living?
I'm a writer with a magazine.
You're a writer with a magazine.
Would you care to name that magazine at this time?
I'd like to know which is lower in cholesterol, peanut oil or corn oil?
You know, a lot of people are going to snicker, but this is a very good
question because in
this day and age of diet and health conscious America, I think this is a darn
good question.
And when we heard this, we decided to ask one of our staff members if he couldn't
come
up with a little experiment to tell us which one was actually lower in
cholesterol.
Chris Elliott, ladies and gentlemen.
Chris, go ahead and conduct the experiment.
Okay.
Dave, I can't tell any difference.
Thank you, Lori.
Thank you very much, Chris.
Well, I think that seemed to work all right.
Nobody got hurt.
Nobody got arrested.
We'll be right back with Tom Jones.
We'll be right back with Tom Jones.
We'll be right back with Tom Jones.
We'll be right back with Tom Jones.
We'll be right back with Tom Jones.
We'll be right back with Tom Jones.
We'll be right back with Tom Jones.
We'll be right back with Tom Jones.
We'll be right back with Tom Jones.
We'll be right back with Tom Jones.
We'll be right back with Tom Jones.
We'll be right back with Tom Jones.
We'll be right back with Tom Jones.
We'll be right back with Tom Jones.
We'll be right back with Tom Jones.
We'll be right back with Tom Jones.
We'll be right back with Tom Jones.
We'll be right back with Tom Jones.
We'll be right back with Tom Jones.