Name: Viewer Mail #3-5 & Jay Leno on Letterman, March 21, 1985
Uploaded: 2015-09-24T20:17:20.000Z
Description: Watch the stand-up comedy video 'Viewer Mail #3-5 & Jay Leno on Letterman, March 21, 1985' from Don Giller on Comedy Buff. Published 2015-09-24. Transcript available.

Watch the stand-up comedy video 'Viewer Mail #3-5 & Jay Leno on Letterman, March 21, 1985' from Don Giller on Comedy Buff. Published 2015-09-24. Transcript available.

all right letter number three here dear dave whenever you do a segment of
stupid pet tricks
you always pet the dog and go on to ask how it's doing dave do you honestly
believe the beast is
going to answer you sincerely brian james bancroft mission vao california well
brian
your letter is certainly an interesting one and uh about all i can say in
response is well
good how are you doing oh this door right here see you dave we gotta run
come on come on boy come on all right
okay you too joe come on joe joe come here come here joe come on me
come here come here come on come on come on hey nice to cheer us dave
oh that feels good
joe we're doing i'm just gonna stay here a while dave yeah no no uh joe we're
doing viewer mail and i'm going to have to ask you not to interrupt oh okay
okay
would you like a little water
um
no
you're not getting enough sleep huh you know how it is yeah
what letter you up to dave we're we're gonna we're up to letter number uh
letter number four letter number four
letter number four all right okay okay no no wait a minute come here joe
i got to go i gotta go see you later
joe come here come on come on back up here
no no you don't need me that okay
letter number four
No, come here. Come on. Come on back up here.
No, no. You don't need me, Dad.
Okay.
Letter number four.
Oh, all right. Come on. Come on.
Come here. Come on, buddy. Come on.
What, here?
Yeah, right there.
Okay.
Letter number four.
You won't even know I'm here.
Dear Mr. Letterman.
No, no. This comes to a dear Letterman show.
I've never written a letter to a TV show before,
but then I've never heard of anything as abominably tasteless
as Mr. Letterman's remark about Chernyenko
not being able to celebrate another birthday.
Does Mr. Letterman think his audience consists of people
so jaded by jingoism and the us versus them mentality
that they'll find him amusing if he makes fun of some Russian guy
who happens to be dying?
Sincerely, Tim Walker, graduate assistant,
new NYU interactive telecommunications program.
Well, by the way, this is the first letter we've ever had
using the word jingoism in it.
I'll tell you what, Tim.
It's true.
Sometimes I do poke fun at the Soviet Union in my opening remarks,
but you know, you certainly raise a really interesting point.
You know, it's a very interesting point,
speaking of jingoism and so forth.
In fact, I know some people who just might find your letter
downright fascinating, if you know what I mean.
So we're going to send it off to those folks and take a look.
Yeah.
Thank you very much.
Good luck.
That's a good one.
Yeah.
The guy who wrote that one deserves a raise.
Pushing your luck, Joe.
All right.
Now we're down to letter number five.
Dear Dave,
Why Don't You Ever Wear a Bowtie?
Curiously, Jeff Wayne.
Well, this is interesting.
From time to time, people write in
and they have questions about the show and wardrobe and so forth.
And I'll tell you about the bowtie.
You know, that's really something I'd really rather not talk about.
It was such a long time ago.
Oh, brother, take a look at the view of that lake.
I'm telling you, nothing beats hiking.
Oh, you bet, buddy.
There's nothing like hiking with your best friend.
Hey, look what I found.
Whoa!
Oh, jeez.
God!
I slipped!
Oh, no.
Give me something.
I need something.
Help.
I'm going to fall.
We didn't bring any rope.
I'll tell you what.
Here.
Quick.
Try a look at my bowtie.
Hey, I think it's too short, Dave.
Well, first you've got to take a look at it.
It's too short.
Too short?
Oh, nice bowtie, Dave!
Arnie, I think there's somebody messing around.
We're going to get on our camper.
We're going to get on our camper.
Ooh, my.
Well, yes, sir.
That wraps up another viewer mail segment.
Let me do the lucky number, Joe, and then we'll get right on with the show.
Turn on the machine.
Here we go.
Tonight's first lucky number is a four.
Our second lucky number is a seven.
And the third lucky number is a six.
Tonight's lucky number, four, seven, six.
Okay, we have a wonderful program tonight.
Jay Leno will be here.
Andrea Martin and window washer psychic Morris Fonte will be joining us.
We'll be right back, folks.
All right.
Monday night.
Monday night on the CBS late movie, it was that fine film classic, Macmillan
and Wife.
I waited in line for hours to see that when it first opened.
Well, tonight is a special occasion for our affiliate in Lexington, Kentucky, WLEX-TV.
They're celebrating their 30th year with the NBC television network, and we've
prepared this special salute to the fine folks at WLEX-TV.
Tonight, late night pays special tribute to the thriving city of Lexington.
The unmistakable skyline of Lexington boasts skyscrapers visible 20 miles in
any direction.
Owing its tempered climate to the balmy breezes off Lake Lexington, this urban
hub is celebrated for both its scenic vistas and mighty factories supplying
horses and tobacco to a great formation.
And serving the community's broadcast needs is Station WLEX-TV, which today
celebrates its 30th year of broadcasting.
Nice work, folks, and congratulations on a job well done.
All right.
Come on over here.
Come right over here.
We've got to move you.
Come on, Joe.
Come on over here, buddy.
Come on.
That's a good dog.
Come on.
Come on.
Come on.
Let me give you a hand.
Good.
Good boy.
All right.
You stay right there.
That's all right.
You're all right.
Good dog.
All right.
Stay right there.
All right.
It's always a pleasure to welcome my first guest to this program.
He's appearing all this week in Boston, Massachusetts at Nick's Comedy Stop and
will be in concert next Friday at the Park West in Chicago.
So, please say hello to comedian Jay Leno.
Jay, how are you?
How are you, David?
Nice to see you.
How are you?
How are you, big guy?
I brought something, a little something for you, David.
You have the same issue?
Sure, yeah.
David, what is the one thing I'm against, huh?
Evil twin is in television.
Uh-huh.
How many times?
Now, you've heard me.
I've spoken this before.
Now, I'm not making this up.
This is The Grapevine, the spicy insider section.
Read that about the new show from the producers of Falcon Crest and Knott's
Landing.
Just read that part about the two women.
It's called The Covenant.
It is about twin sisters, one blonde and good, the other brunette and bad.
Get out of here.
Well, I'm glad the writer's strike is over.
Can you imagine what the A-team would be like without writers, huh?
Oh, just a bunch of car crashes and senseless violence.
Terrible, it would be, certainly.
Here's one on Friday, Street Hawk.
Have you seen that?
No, I haven't seen Street Hawk yet.
Well, you'd probably like that, wouldn't you?
Well, this is about a motorcycle that hires a human companion to fill in
dialogue between car crashes.
You know why I don't like Street Hawk?
It's a guy with a little wing-wing Honda.
It's supposed to go 300 miles an hour.
See, now, when I drive my Harley, people stop and they go,
Oh, gee, is that like the bike on Street Hawk?
No, but this is like the Magnum on Dirty Harry.
Get out of here.
It is annoying.
Whoa, whoa!
It is annoying.
Now, you ride a Harley because they give you those nice T-shirts, I would guess.
No, they don't.
This is the, you like this?
They don't.
This is the, you like this T-shirt?
Would you like one of these?
Oh, yeah.
I'm dying to have one of those.
I can pull a few strings to get you one of those.
Sure, I can.
There's one show I find the most embarrassing show.
It was on last Thursday night, the People's Choice Awards.
Let's find them and take the freedom of choice away from them.
Actually, they, no.
Actually, they did one good thing.
They picked his best sitcom.
They picked the Cosby Show, which is the best sitcom.
This is, you know, actually, the Cosby Show has been great to comedians,
but because before Cosby got the show,
the networks weren't interested in using comedians in sitcoms.
Now that he's, you know, that he's proved it successful,
suddenly they're coming to guys like me, like ABC.
I'm reading for this show for them.
And in it, I play a black middle-aged doctor with five things.
Congratulations.
Yeah, it's similar.
It's kind of a spin-off.
Yeah, yeah.
But I should be.
Now, there's a story in here on Q ratings.
Are you familiar with that?
Well, not specifically.
Generally, I know what they are.
What the Q rating is, is everybody, supposedly, in Hollywood,
has a rating based on their recognizability.
It has nothing to do with talent or ability, just recognizability.
That's all it is.
And they try to put sitcoms together based on the recognizability of stars.
People that Americans know from whatever.
Right, like according to the latest Q rating survey,
a hit sitcom would star Prince, Clara Peller,
and Bernard Getz is the Wacky Neighbor.
The Wacky Neighbor.
Yeah, The Wacky Neighbor.
Yeah, The Wacky Neighbor.
Here's one, Miami Vice.
Do you like that?
That's kind of an interesting one.
Yeah, you know what?
You know what?
I mean, come on.
The guys drive Ferrari.
They wear designer clothes.
This is one of the few instances on television
where the police actually earn more money than the cocaine dealers.
Anything else there on the TV, Gary?
No, there's not much.
Do you have any other interests besides watching television?
You know what I did the other night?
I know this is the yuppie thing to do.
I thought I would try it.
I played this Trivial Pursuit game.
You ever play this?
Yeah, I've played it.
Now, do you like it?
Well...
You know, you see, no, you see, that's exactly my...
You see, I feel guilty playing it.
Because what you have here are a bunch of useless facts
masquerading as knowledge, you know?
I mean, the 80s are really the only time
a game like Trivial Pursuit could even be popular.
I mean, you go back 100 years,
Thomas Edison, the guy who would sit around in the dark
to try to dream up the light bulb.
George Washington Carver, I mean, the man was,
how do you get more crops from one tiny seed?
Now you've got this vast pool of college-educated people,
they sit around at night going,
okay, what was Goober's middle name?
No, it's stupid.
It's terrible.
What was his middle name, just for future reference?
I don't know what Goober's middle name is.
I don't know.
What about world affairs?
Anything in politics catch your fancy?
Well, now, I guess the CIA is all upset
about this Nicaraguan manual thing, you know?
I mean, they're trying to figure out how they got caught.
It's so easy to see how these guys got caught.
Have you seen the manual of the whole back page
about the author?
You know, there's a guy in a tweed jacket,
leather patch, he's got his foot on a case of dynamite.
Of course they're going to get caught.
Now they've got this new thing,
and they want to put a qualified teacher
into space on the space shuttle.
You know, we don't have enough qualified teachers
on Earth as it is.
Why don't we keep the qualified teachers here,
send some of these crummy teachers into space?
I've got a couple of shop teachers
I wouldn't mind seeing orbiting the planet.
Okay.
We'll check on the paperwork for that.
We have to take a pause here.
We'll be right back with Jay Leno, ladies and gentlemen.
Welcome back to the show.
Joe, the dog, during the commercial,
took the opportunity, like many of our guests,
to chew his tail.
You know, it's interesting.
I feel sorry for these animals.
Oh, no, this is a great dog.
They have these products like Gainsburgers.
Have you seen this?
This is a dog food shaped like a burger.
Now, is this supposed to save the dog
the trouble of actually forming the patty himself?
So, now, where have you been?
Where are you going to?
Where have I been?
I was in Florida recently.
I was down there for...
I was down there at Daytona for Motorcycle Week.
They had Harley Week down there.
You know, it's great.
They have this...
Do you have a franchise, a dealership?
No, no, no, I don't.
But every time you're on,
you have a bike on,
you have a shirt on,
you mention...
I like motorcycles.
It seems like you like one more than others, though.
Oh, that's not true.
I have a lot of different bikes.
All right.
So, you're down there for bike week.
They have a bike week.
Is this your honeymoon?
No, this is not my honeymoon.
They have a guy down there.
They have a guy down there named Big Daddy Rat,
who runs this place called The Rat Hole.
Oh, yeah.
And every year,
they have a contest where they elect Miss Rat Hole.
They have their friend.
I'm serious.
And I was watching the contest this year,
and I'm realizing,
I'm saying to myself,
this is an easy job.
Because what could this woman possibly do
to bring shame and dishonor
to the title of Miss Rat Hole?
What could you do, baby?
Assassinate the president,
become an Amway distributor?
There's nothing you could do to it.
And you went to an auto show,
you're telling me, right?
Is that right, the other day?
Yeah, we went to the New York City auto show
a couple of months ago.
I was in Atlanta,
and they had an auto show down there,
and they were advertising the radio,
come to the auto show
and see the Tom Selleck look-alike.
Yeah.
I mean, what do you say
to a Tom Selleck look-alike?
You know, it's like,
gee, you know,
you look a lot like Tom Selleck.
I mean, I couldn't go.
I found a guy like me.
I sent him down.
He looked a lot like me.
So you're still writing with the pagans?
Is that right?
No, I'm not.
Another remark, Dave,
and your house may not be there tomorrow.
Now, tell me about your,
as always, Jay,
I'm sure you came fully prepared,
what's needling me,
what's riding me.
Yeah, what's under your skin?
These TV personalities,
I'm sorry,
these spokesmen for these products.
You seen this guy,
Chris Roberts for Vicks?
I'm not a doctor,
although I play one on TV.
Not a doctor.
Hey, pal,
I seen your show.
You're not even an actor.
Get out of here.
Then there's more wonderful folks down there at 7-Eleven.
You seen there, Ed?
They show the guy getting up,
driving to work,
on his way to work,
has his first hot cup of coffee at 7-Eleven.
What a terrific home life this guy makes.
You know,
you go to any other store,
they have a sign,
have a nice day,
come again soon,
thanks for shopping here.
7-Eleven's got that little sticker,
put it back,
thief.
When you walk in,
they got $10,000 worth of cameras
watching 20 bucks worth of Twinkies.
And they always say,
they always say they care about people.
Give me an idea how much they care.
You ever go into a 7-Eleven,
they have their handicap parking
across the street.
Actually,
actually,
this is the best time to go to a 7-Eleven.
Anytime after midnight.
Then it becomes like a Fellini casting call
in this place,
you know,
all sorts of trolls and mutants
wandering through the aisles.
People with no birth records of any kind,
you know,
they always have some sort of a druid
slumped over the register there.
And there's always that nest of junkies
festering in the cookie aisle.
You ever shine a light down a cookie aisle
at 7-Eleven after midnight?
It's like,
God damn it!
They all scatter there.
All the malamars broken into.
Saw a five-pound bag of sugar
suck dry in there.
I tell you,
you know,
you walk down the aisle
and they got contraceptive foam
on the same shelf as Cheese Whiz.
What do you want, honey?
Do you want to make love?
Do you want a cracker?
What do you want?
How can you name something Whiz
and expect people to buy it?
You know,
if I pick up a product
and I see Whiz on the label,
I'm going to read those ingredients
very carefully.
Exactly how much Whiz is in this.
Good times.
Jay Leno will be in Boston this week
at Nick's Comedy Stop.
Yes, sir.
Did I mention that we added
two extra shows on Sunday?
No,
two extra shows
at Nick's Comedy Stop,
Comedy Shop,
Stop.
You know what,
David,
the writers,
since they were off last week.
We've got to go, Jay.
I know,
but they asked me to read this.
The writers,
they had some time off,
they asked me to read this.
This better be good.
We're running out of time.
And they said,
Jay,
I guess you're going to be
at the Park West
at 29th
and then probably
Clearwater, Florida
on the 31st.
You'll like this place,
Kisses.
Kisses?
You're wearing a place
called Kisses?
And then the next day
I go to Cheek to Cheek.
Oh, my God.
And then the next day
I go to DeKalb, Illinois
to the Egyptian Theater.
It sounds like you're
an adagio dancer.
And then I go to your hometown.
I go to Crackers
in Indianapolis.
Well, nice to see you.
Well, nice to see you, Dave.
Thanks for having me on.
We're going to go away here
for a stage note.
We'll be right back.
We'll be right back.
We'll be right back.
We'll be right back.
We'll be right back.

Viewer Mail #3-5 & Jay Leno on Letterman, March 21, 1985

all right letter number three here dear dave whenever you do a segment of
stupid pet tricks
you always pet the dog and go on to ask how it's doing dave do you honestly
believe the beast is
going to answer you sincerely brian james bancroft mission vao california well
brian
your letter is certainly an interesting one and uh about all i can say in
response is well
good how are you doing oh this door right here see you dave we gotta run
come on come on boy come on all right
okay you too joe come on joe joe come here come here joe come on me
come here come here come on come on come on hey nice to cheer us dave
oh that feels good
joe we're doing i'm just gonna stay here a while dave yeah no no uh joe we're
doing viewer mail and i'm going to have to ask you not to interrupt oh okay
okay
would you like a little water
um
no
you're not getting enough sleep huh you know how it is yeah
what letter you up to dave we're we're gonna we're up to letter number uh
letter number four letter number four
letter number four all right okay okay no no wait a minute come here joe
i got to go i gotta go see you later
joe come here come on come on back up here
no no you don't need me that okay
letter number four
No, come here. Come on. Come on back up here.
No, no. You don't need me, Dad.
Okay.
Letter number four.
Oh, all right. Come on. Come on.
Come here. Come on, buddy. Come on.
What, here?
Yeah, right there.
Okay.
Letter number four.
You won't even know I'm here.
Dear Mr. Letterman.
No, no. This comes to a dear Letterman show.
I've never written a letter to a TV show before,
but then I've never heard of anything as abominably tasteless
as Mr. Letterman's remark about Chernyenko
not being able to celebrate another birthday.
Does Mr. Letterman think his audience consists of people
so jaded by jingoism and the us versus them mentality
that they'll find him amusing if he makes fun of some Russian guy
who happens to be dying?
Sincerely, Tim Walker, graduate assistant,
new NYU interactive telecommunications program.
Well, by the way, this is the first letter we've ever had
using the word jingoism in it.
I'll tell you what, Tim.
It's true.
Sometimes I do poke fun at the Soviet Union in my opening remarks,
but you know, you certainly raise a really interesting point.
You know, it's a very interesting point,
speaking of jingoism and so forth.
In fact, I know some people who just might find your letter
downright fascinating, if you know what I mean.
So we're going to send it off to those folks and take a look.
Yeah.
Thank you very much.
Good luck.
That's a good one.
Yeah.
The guy who wrote that one deserves a raise.
Pushing your luck, Joe.
All right.
Now we're down to letter number five.
Dear Dave,
Why Don't You Ever Wear a Bowtie?
Curiously, Jeff Wayne.
Well, this is interesting.
From time to time, people write in
and they have questions about the show and wardrobe and so forth.
And I'll tell you about the bowtie.
You know, that's really something I'd really rather not talk about.
It was such a long time ago.
Oh, brother, take a look at the view of that lake.
I'm telling you, nothing beats hiking.
Oh, you bet, buddy.
There's nothing like hiking with your best friend.
Hey, look what I found.
Whoa!
Oh, jeez.
God!
I slipped!
Oh, no.
Give me something.
I need something.
Help.
I'm going to fall.
We didn't bring any rope.
I'll tell you what.
Here.
Quick.
Try a look at my bowtie.
Hey, I think it's too short, Dave.
Well, first you've got to take a look at it.
It's too short.
Too short?
Oh, nice bowtie, Dave!
Arnie, I think there's somebody messing around.
We're going to get on our camper.
We're going to get on our camper.
Ooh, my.
Well, yes, sir.
That wraps up another viewer mail segment.
Let me do the lucky number, Joe, and then we'll get right on with the show.
Turn on the machine.
Here we go.
Tonight's first lucky number is a four.
Our second lucky number is a seven.
And the third lucky number is a six.
Tonight's lucky number, four, seven, six.
Okay, we have a wonderful program tonight.
Jay Leno will be here.
Andrea Martin and window washer psychic Morris Fonte will be joining us.
We'll be right back, folks.
All right.
Monday night.
Monday night on the CBS late movie, it was that fine film classic, Macmillan
and Wife.
I waited in line for hours to see that when it first opened.
Well, tonight is a special occasion for our affiliate in Lexington, Kentucky, WLEX-TV.
They're celebrating their 30th year with the NBC television network, and we've
prepared this special salute to the fine folks at WLEX-TV.
Tonight, late night pays special tribute to the thriving city of Lexington.
The unmistakable skyline of Lexington boasts skyscrapers visible 20 miles in
any direction.
Owing its tempered climate to the balmy breezes off Lake Lexington, this urban
hub is celebrated for both its scenic vistas and mighty factories supplying
horses and tobacco to a great formation.
And serving the community's broadcast needs is Station WLEX-TV, which today
celebrates its 30th year of broadcasting.
Nice work, folks, and congratulations on a job well done.
All right.
Come on over here.
Come right over here.
We've got to move you.
Come on, Joe.
Come on over here, buddy.
Come on.
That's a good dog.
Come on.
Come on.
Come on.
Let me give you a hand.
Good.
Good boy.
All right.
You stay right there.
That's all right.
You're all right.
Good dog.
All right.
Stay right there.
All right.
It's always a pleasure to welcome my first guest to this program.
He's appearing all this week in Boston, Massachusetts at Nick's Comedy Stop and
will be in concert next Friday at the Park West in Chicago.
So, please say hello to comedian Jay Leno.
Jay, how are you?
How are you, David?
Nice to see you.
How are you?
How are you, big guy?
I brought something, a little something for you, David.
You have the same issue?
Sure, yeah.
David, what is the one thing I'm against, huh?
Evil twin is in television.
Uh-huh.
How many times?
Now, you've heard me.
I've spoken this before.
Now, I'm not making this up.
This is The Grapevine, the spicy insider section.
Read that about the new show from the producers of Falcon Crest and Knott's
Landing.
Just read that part about the two women.
It's called The Covenant.
It is about twin sisters, one blonde and good, the other brunette and bad.
Get out of here.
Well, I'm glad the writer's strike is over.
Can you imagine what the A-team would be like without writers, huh?
Oh, just a bunch of car crashes and senseless violence.
Terrible, it would be, certainly.
Here's one on Friday, Street Hawk.
Have you seen that?
No, I haven't seen Street Hawk yet.
Well, you'd probably like that, wouldn't you?
Well, this is about a motorcycle that hires a human companion to fill in
dialogue between car crashes.
You know why I don't like Street Hawk?
It's a guy with a little wing-wing Honda.
It's supposed to go 300 miles an hour.
See, now, when I drive my Harley, people stop and they go,
Oh, gee, is that like the bike on Street Hawk?
No, but this is like the Magnum on Dirty Harry.
Get out of here.
It is annoying.
Whoa, whoa!
It is annoying.
Now, you ride a Harley because they give you those nice T-shirts, I would guess.
No, they don't.
This is the, you like this?
They don't.
This is the, you like this T-shirt?
Would you like one of these?
Oh, yeah.
I'm dying to have one of those.
I can pull a few strings to get you one of those.
Sure, I can.
There's one show I find the most embarrassing show.
It was on last Thursday night, the People's Choice Awards.
Let's find them and take the freedom of choice away from them.
Actually, they, no.
Actually, they did one good thing.
They picked his best sitcom.
They picked the Cosby Show, which is the best sitcom.
This is, you know, actually, the Cosby Show has been great to comedians,
but because before Cosby got the show,
the networks weren't interested in using comedians in sitcoms.
Now that he's, you know, that he's proved it successful,
suddenly they're coming to guys like me, like ABC.
I'm reading for this show for them.
And in it, I play a black middle-aged doctor with five things.
Congratulations.
Yeah, it's similar.
It's kind of a spin-off.
Yeah, yeah.
But I should be.
Now, there's a story in here on Q ratings.
Are you familiar with that?
Well, not specifically.
Generally, I know what they are.
What the Q rating is, is everybody, supposedly, in Hollywood,
has a rating based on their recognizability.
It has nothing to do with talent or ability, just recognizability.
That's all it is.
And they try to put sitcoms together based on the recognizability of stars.
People that Americans know from whatever.
Right, like according to the latest Q rating survey,
a hit sitcom would star Prince, Clara Peller,
and Bernard Getz is the Wacky Neighbor.
The Wacky Neighbor.
Yeah, The Wacky Neighbor.
Yeah, The Wacky Neighbor.
Here's one, Miami Vice.
Do you like that?
That's kind of an interesting one.
Yeah, you know what?
You know what?
I mean, come on.
The guys drive Ferrari.
They wear designer clothes.
This is one of the few instances on television
where the police actually earn more money than the cocaine dealers.
Anything else there on the TV, Gary?
No, there's not much.
Do you have any other interests besides watching television?
You know what I did the other night?
I know this is the yuppie thing to do.
I thought I would try it.
I played this Trivial Pursuit game.
You ever play this?
Yeah, I've played it.
Now, do you like it?
Well...
You know, you see, no, you see, that's exactly my...
You see, I feel guilty playing it.
Because what you have here are a bunch of useless facts
masquerading as knowledge, you know?
I mean, the 80s are really the only time
a game like Trivial Pursuit could even be popular.
I mean, you go back 100 years,
Thomas Edison, the guy who would sit around in the dark
to try to dream up the light bulb.
George Washington Carver, I mean, the man was,
how do you get more crops from one tiny seed?
Now you've got this vast pool of college-educated people,
they sit around at night going,
okay, what was Goober's middle name?
No, it's stupid.
It's terrible.
What was his middle name, just for future reference?
I don't know what Goober's middle name is.
I don't know.
What about world affairs?
Anything in politics catch your fancy?
Well, now, I guess the CIA is all upset
about this Nicaraguan manual thing, you know?
I mean, they're trying to figure out how they got caught.
It's so easy to see how these guys got caught.
Have you seen the manual of the whole back page
about the author?
You know, there's a guy in a tweed jacket,
leather patch, he's got his foot on a case of dynamite.
Of course they're going to get caught.
Now they've got this new thing,
and they want to put a qualified teacher
into space on the space shuttle.
You know, we don't have enough qualified teachers
on Earth as it is.
Why don't we keep the qualified teachers here,
send some of these crummy teachers into space?
I've got a couple of shop teachers
I wouldn't mind seeing orbiting the planet.
Okay.
We'll check on the paperwork for that.
We have to take a pause here.
We'll be right back with Jay Leno, ladies and gentlemen.
Welcome back to the show.
Joe, the dog, during the commercial,
took the opportunity, like many of our guests,
to chew his tail.
You know, it's interesting.
I feel sorry for these animals.
Oh, no, this is a great dog.
They have these products like Gainsburgers.
Have you seen this?
This is a dog food shaped like a burger.
Now, is this supposed to save the dog
the trouble of actually forming the patty himself?
So, now, where have you been?
Where are you going to?
Where have I been?
I was in Florida recently.
I was down there for...
I was down there at Daytona for Motorcycle Week.
They had Harley Week down there.
You know, it's great.
They have this...
Do you have a franchise, a dealership?
No, no, no, I don't.
But every time you're on,
you have a bike on,
you have a shirt on,
you mention...
I like motorcycles.
It seems like you like