Name: Henry Morgan on Letterman, February 8, 1982
Uploaded: 2015-10-25T16:22:46.000Z
Description: Watch the stand-up comedy video 'Henry Morgan on Letterman, February 8, 1982' from Don Giller on Comedy Buff. Published 2015-10-25. Transcript available.

Watch the stand-up comedy video 'Henry Morgan on Letterman, February 8, 1982' from Don Giller on Comedy Buff. Published 2015-10-25. Transcript available.

Hi there, welcome back to the show.
Oh, here it is.
You know, most of us remember Henry Morgan from his many appearances on TV
panel shows.
There was I've Got a Secret, What's My Line, Who's Your Sister, and many, many
more.
But for some reason, Henry has been away from television for a long time,
and rumor has it that he's been on the lam.
Well, he's here tonight, and maybe we'll clear up the mystery.
Would you please welcome a very amusing gentleman, Mr. Henry Morgan.
Thank you, Henry. Nice to see you today.
Nice to see you. I couldn't help but notice a facial wound of sorts.
You want to see it head-on?
It's, uh, you look like you were, as I said earlier, still playing goalie is
what it looks like.
It's not exactly that. What I did, David, I watched the show for a couple of
nights,
and I figured you like guests who have interesting backgrounds.
And I didn't have too much going for me. I have a cold, but that's not much.
Well, some nights we'll take that.
And, um, I have a touch of gout, and I figured, you know, who cares?
So yesterday I fell down the stairs
to help the show.
Unbelievable. I appreciate it.
It was very thoughtful of you.
Now this...
Now, in answer to your next question,
which is, how did you manage to fall down the stairs?
Oh, yeah, that's right.
That's right.
It was not too easy.
We have a staircase in the house,
and there's a picture on the wall.
And yesterday morning I decided the picture didn't belong on that wall anymore.
It belonged on the wall over there.
Now, the steps.
So about the eighth step is where you would put the ladder
with the Encyclopedia Britannica.
The Encyclopedia Britannica,
you put the books on the seventh step
until it evens off,
and the seventh step is the same height as the eighth step.
That's where you put the ladder, you see?
That's right.
But I didn't want to go through all that again.
So I reached up this way,
got the...
Am I holding any of your attention?
Oh, yes, I'm fascinated.
And I fell down,
and I knocked myself out, by the way.
Actually, out cold.
Oh, yeah.
And I wasn't going to show up here,
and I thought,
no, I know your audience.
They would appreciate a disaster.
Yeah.
No.
Like Francis Coppola.
Coppola.
Oh, he doesn't know how to pronounce that.
Coppola.
Coppola.
He likes disasters.
He's like, you know,
$15 million gone.
Whatever, 30 million.
It was the best I could do.
Well, I certainly appreciate that,
that you have gone to more trouble
than any guest here to four
to make an appearance on this show.
Wait, have you asked me back?
Oh, well, heavens.
Now, I wanted to refer back
to the introduction I gave you,
which is a little embarrassing.
Been on the lamb.
Now, I generally know what that means,
but what, for folks who may not know
what that means,
what does that mean?
I don't know.
It's your introduction.
No, I know.
I'm going to think of it.
He's right.
Now, this has something,
I've known about this for a long time.
You apparently couldn't come,
or shouldn't be here, right?
Because of?
It's all right now for the moment.
Uh, for the moment.
I was on the lamb,
as your writer there so quickly put it.
I have an ex-wife.
And I've had this ex-wife for some time.
Mm-hmm.
What year were you born?
47.
That's it.
Since 47,
I have had an ex-wife,
and she sues me
for some reason or other.
I got married in that year.
And, uh,
we were separated the same year.
Mm-hmm.
47.
Well, about 10,
let me see,
10 or 12 years ago,
I was in New York,
and I wasn't exactly working.
And she was exactly suing again.
And it got to the point
where they issued a warrant
for my arrest
to put me in the jailhouse.
And I didn't feel like going to jail.
I, it's not my kind of thing.
So I went to Canada.
Huh.
Now, uh,
this is 34 years ago.
Yes, isn't it?
Now, what, uh,
but what does the woman
want from you?
Freud asked that question.
Well, I tell you,
I figure that, um,
my ex-wife,
to my knowledge,
never had, uh,
what we would call
a paying job.
And she, uh,
gradually
divested herself
of outside interests.
Mm-hmm.
I'm the only interest left.
Did she ever...
I'm what she does.
Oh, I see.
She just...
Litigation is kind of a hobby
with her.
Now, she never remarried?
No.
Too busy.
But now,
by virtue of your
appearance here...
Yeah.
...aren't you subjecting
yourself to possible
arrest?
No, no.
Um,
um,
when I was living
in Massachusetts,
which is after I was
living in Canada,
they were suing me there
in Massachusetts,
and I thought,
I'm tired of this,
so I will go back
to New York
and go to jail.
And a lawyer
I ran into somewhere
said,
well, let me go down
and see if that warrant
is still out.
And some judge
said to him,
or this is what
the lawyer told me,
oh, well,
that's not operative now.
Mm-hmm.
They have to start again.
Oh.
And to put you in jail.
So I thought,
well, you know,
I'm not gonna live forever.
Uh, let him start again.
Mm-hmm.
Which they will do
after tonight,
probably, uh,
I expect around
10 o'clock tomorrow
I'll hear.
And then we will go to court
and the judge will say
the same old thing
and I'll say
the same old thing.
I don't have any money
to speak of.
And, uh,
I'm working.
Mm-hmm.
So, uh,
the judge will then say,
well, oh, by the way,
the last judgment
they got was in
Massachusetts last year.
I wasn't even there.
I wasn't even living there
and they got a judgment.
$45,000.
You mean somebody
paid it for you?
You think you're
talking of Coppola?
Nobody
paid it for me.
But you, you made it,
you made it sound like
they collected
and you weren't even there.
Well, can't collect it.
No.
They have a judgment,
which is good
in any state of the union.
So, I see.
They will merely
go to court here.
They don't even have to go.
They phone it in.
And then a cop
or somebody will show up
and he'll say,
hey, you've got to
go downtown
and talk to somebody
about this.
And I will say,
you know,
you've got to be kidding,
$240,000.
Well, what do you have?
Well, I got a new wife
for one thing.
But I ain't going
to trade that one.
No, she's not interested
in that, I wouldn't guess.
No, this is a class act.
Now, have you paid anything?
I mean, I know
it's none of my business,
but have you,
I mean, have you given
this woman a cent,
a nickel, a...
Oh, up to the time
where I quit,
she cost about $650,000.
Hmm.
Not just her,
her lawyers got a lot,
you know, that too.
But, you know,
it's not only I got tired
of paying,
I wasn't working.
Yeah, yeah.
I tell you that I was
more tired than not working.
After 25 years or so,
you begin to wear down
and you say,
why am I doing this?
No children.
Yeah.
And don't you think
you could maybe
go to a judge and say,
look, I've coughed up
over a half a million here,
this ought to be
comfortable for anybody
and let's do something else,
let's get a different judgment,
let's declare it
nil and void
or null and void
or whatever?
It doesn't quite work
that way because
it's a contract.
Hmm.
And I had to sign,
I had to buy the divorce.
And one of the provisions
was you will pay this woman
for 10 years
after you die.
Mm-hmm.
Hmm.
And then she gets
the residual estate
and so forth.
For all I know,
she's going to claim
my present wife
who's worth millions,
but,
no,
let's talk about something.
Well,
we got kind of a surprise
for you tonight,
Henry.
Henry.
I thought this was enough.
No,
no.
What,
could you save it
for another show?
Yeah,
we'll be happy to do that.
Briefly,
what are you doing now?
We haven't,
we've spent all this time
on the past,
what,
uh,
well,
mainly I,
go ahead,
I'm sorry.
No,
it's your show.
I think we may have
to pause here
is the sad truth.
I love pausing.
All right,
well,
we'll pause together.
Henry Morgan,
ladies and gentlemen,
we'll be right back.
Thank you.