Name: Waiting Room Etiquette on Letterman, March 13, 1984
Uploaded: 2015-12-25T20:41:18.000Z
Description: Watch the stand-up comedy video 'Waiting Room Etiquette on Letterman, March 13, 1984' from Don Giller on Comedy Buff. Published 2015-12-25. Transcript available.

Watch the stand-up comedy video 'Waiting Room Etiquette on Letterman, March 13, 1984' from Don Giller on Comedy Buff. Published 2015-12-25. Transcript available.

And for those of you planning a visit to the doctor soon, we're going to now
take some time to review a few rules of doctor's waiting room etiquette.
Walk this way, if you will, won't you?
And of course, if I could walk this way, I wouldn't need the talcum powder.
Well, here we are in the, uh, here we are in the waiting room.
Now, the first thing, uh, when you arrive in the doctor's office waiting room,
you want to let the nurse know you're here.
So you just walk right up to the registration desk, hi, uh, I'm here for my flu
shot, the name is Letterman, 10 o'clock.
Fine, the doctor will be with you shortly.
Uh-huh.
Would you care for, uh, some donuts, some marshmallow crispies, or some flan?
Uh...
Only $2.50 a dozen, we baked them up right here in our office.
No, that's, uh, I'm really not interested, thank you.
Well, how about a shoe shine and a manicure?
Uh, no, I'm fine.
Do you need any yard work done?
No, I don't need any yard work done.
This brings us to, uh, rule number one.
Beware of doctors who depend on extra sources for their income.
You want to watch that for...
You need a flu shot?
I got flu shots, all you need, 50 bucks a pop.
Uh, who, who are you exactly?
Uh, I'm the doctor.
Well, well, I'm a friend of the doctor's.
Uh, I'm loosely associated with him, but, but he told me you needed a flu shot.
50 bucks a pop.
Rule number two, don't buy a flu shot from anyone in the waiting room.
Wait, wait until you're inside the office before getting any shots.
Thank you very much.
Flu shots.
Did I hear somebody mention flu shots?
I'm pretty sure I have the flu.
Pretty sure, I have the flu.
Thank you for your kind of...
Okay, okay.
Thank you for your kind applause.
You're too good to me, really.
Excuse me, sir.
I understand you're offering flu shots at a bargain price.
Dave, could you hold this for me?
Why, why, sure.
What, what is this, Larry?
This is a doctor's office.
What do you think it is?
Ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha.
Here you go.
This is, uh, rule number three now.
Never agree to hold anything for anyone in a doctor's waiting room.
Why?
It's little Davey.
My, how you've grown.
Hold it right there, Aunt Helen.
Don't make me use this.
I'll put daylight three if I have to.
Now get over there and sit down.
Go on.
No false moves.
Ha, ha, ha, ha.
Well, what you have to remember here is, uh,
people are in this office because there is something wrong with them
and you just can't be too careful.
Say, why are you seeing the doctor?
I have a duodino ulcer.
Oh, that's terrible.
Here, why don't you try a barbecue potato chip
and some potato, uh, ha, ha, ha, some bean dip?
That'll make you feel better.
Yeah.
Well, here's another common mistake to avoid.
The rule is, starve a duodenal ulcer, feed a fever.
I'm always getting that one mixed up.
Yeah, that's, that's tricky to remember.
Uh, excuse me, sir.
You forgot to check in.
What's your name?
Oh, I'm Larry Bud Melman.
And what did you want to see the doctor about?
Uh, excuse me?
I'm sorry, Mr. Melman.
You'll have to speak up.
Ah, I said when I sweat, I get a rash on my thigh
that looks like the map of Mexico.
Well, this, uh, I'd pay good money to see that.
Um, now this teaches us another, another important, don't sneak up on me.
This teaches us another important lesson.
Don't laugh at other people's symptoms.
This waiting is boring, Dave.
What am I supposed to do?
Well, that's a good point.
Now, uh, exactly how long should you wait in a doctor's office
before you get really steamed?
You know, it's not unusual for a doctor to keep you waiting a long time.
But you shouldn't feel obligated to wait more than one seasonal change.
Is Mr. Johnson here?
That's me.
I'm right here.
Larry, you're not Mr. Johnson.
What are you, what are you trying to do here?
But I'm tired of waiting.
This is my chance to see the doctor.
Don't worry, Mr. Johnson.
Although the procedure is extremely painful,
it's effective nearly 30% of the time.
That reminds me of another rule.
Never pretend to be another patient.
Larry, uh, this sounds pretty serious.
I don't care, Dave, but I have nothing to live for.
What do you mean, you have nothing to live for?
You have your work on the show here, you have our respect,
and, and, of course, the respect of your millions of fans,
and, and, of course, you have your, your day job.
I know you, you, you, you love your day job,
and, and you still have that, all your friends there at the day job, Larry.
Not anymore, Dave.
I just lost my day job.
Didn't you see this article in yesterday's New York Times?
Well, let's see what we have here, Larry.
New York Times, Monday, March 12th.
By day, Mr. Melman worked part-time as a, as a receptionist in a drug
rehabilitation center,
but last month, his boss found out about Mr. Melman's nighttime career
and asked him to resign.
Is that true, Larry?
Oh, gee, what was that guy's name?
You don't, you don't know.
You weren't, well, I guess the turnover there was so frequent
that you hardly had time to memorize your boss's name, but,
gee, Larry, I'm, I'm sorry to hear that you lost your job.
I, I don't know what to say about that.
Uh, that's awful.
I could just stop.
Yeah, well, I wish there was, there was some way I could convince you
that life is worth living.
Dave, there's a, there's a phone call plug.
Oh, thank you, Hal.
You can go to the nurse's desk if you want to.
Thank you very much.
It's Hal, our director.
He's safe in the booth.
Yeah, hello.
Hey, David, this is Gordon Cooper speaking.
Oh, ladies and gentlemen, it's former astronaut Gordon Cooper.
Uh, Colonel.
Uh, Colonel, to, uh, to what do we, uh, owe this, uh, honor, sir?
I've been watching the TV, and I've seen the New York Times article.
And I'd just like to say a few words to Mr. Merriman, if I may.
Oh, sure.
Larry, he, he wants to talk to you.
It's Colonel Cooper.
Okay.
Hello.
Mr. Merriman, you shouldn't be discouraged by a few setbacks.
Even in the early space program, there was scrub mission and occasional
tactical things.
But it all led the project to pilot.
And do you know how that worked out?
No, I don't.
What happened?
We landed on the moon.
And you too, Larry Budd, with courage and perseverance, will reach new altitude
in your career.
All Americans are proud of the achievements of the space program.
They're also proud of your achievements on the betterment program.
Thank you, sir.
Good luck, Larry Budd.
Good night, Colonel.
Gosh, Dave, maybe I've got the right stuff after all.
You know, you know, Larry, it's good to see you laugh again.
Anything else?
I think that worked all right, don't you?
Yeah.
Let's do it.
Okay.
All right.
We have a great show for you tonight.
Jay Leno will be out here in a few minutes.
So come on back, folks.
Thanks, Larry.
Nice job.
Thank you.
Thank you.
Thank you.