Name: Viewer Mail on Letterman, October 13, 1983
Uploaded: 2016-01-10T06:17:16.000Z
Description: Watch the stand-up comedy video 'Viewer Mail on Letterman, October 13, 1983' from Don Giller on Comedy Buff. Published 2016-01-10. Transcript available.

Watch the stand-up comedy video 'Viewer Mail on Letterman, October 13, 1983' from Don Giller on Comedy Buff. Published 2016-01-10. Transcript available.

Thank you. Thank you very much. Welcome to the show. We have many, many
important things
to accomplish here tonight. Now, let me start off with a couple of interesting
bits of information.
First of all, imagine this now. If the cast of Hill Street Blues was a city,
all right,
it would be the seventh largest one in the United States. Oh, I'm sorry, 17th.
Does that
seem to help? 17th, is that any? There you go. The 17th largest city. Now, here's
another
one. The country of China. Paul, what is the population of China? A billion,
right?
Eight billion, Wilson. Eight billion? It can't be eight billion. A billion. Say
one billion.
Say it's one billion. Okay. The population of China is a billion. Not a single
person living
in China is named Bubba. It's true.
It's Friday. No, it's not Friday. It's Thursday. Thursday, October the 13th.
That's right.
We have a good show. Actress Diane Lane is here tonight. And a gentleman who
has owned himself
a Hollywood landmark for many, many years. He is the man who owns Schwab's drugstore
at
the... We caught our announcer, Bill Windle, in mid-goose. Owner of Schwab's
drugstore located
at the intersection of Crescent Heights and Sunset Boulevard, Leon Schwab.
All right, please. That, of course, explains the extra security, as you know.
Now, in addition
to that, we have a fine comedian and an old friend of mine, George Wallace,
will be here.
We're going to take a look at Dave's collision repairs tonight. Please, at this
time, say hello
to Mr. Show Business, Paul Schaefer.
Thank you so much for that bill, David. Thank you. You know, Dave, I'm telling
you, it's
been so rough in New York. The weather has been awful, and you've got to fight
through adversity,
and you've got to try to get a cab, and the rents are high, and it's just filth
all over
the place, and yet we stay here in New York. You know that?
That's right.
You know why we do? I... You know why we stay...
No, why do we stay in New York, Paul?
We've got to swing. That's why. That's why.
We've got to swing.
Yeah, there's no... It's the only reason.
We've got to swing.
Are you all right? A guy was kind of molesting you a lot.
A guy? That was Paul Johnson. He came over and informed me my microphone was
not turned
on, and did you turn it on, Paul?
Yes, I did.
Thank you very much. You did a nice job.
Paul had his hands in my pockets there, and he turned my microphone on. Do you
have anything
planned for the weekend, Paul, that we should know?
Um, a lot of MTV, and, uh...
Now, do you watch that, like, just eight, ten hours a day?
I've been known to, uh, get, uh, stuck in front of the TV for a while.
Are your folks worried about you?
Uh, they wish, you know, they say it's nice. A little bit of it is nice, you
know, but all,
they say, Paul, all the time.
Yeah, I know.
You know...
Well, now, don't go neglecting your studies, Paul.
I know.
It's Thursday. I guess all of America knows what that means.
Yeah!
Oh, my God, they do. Uh, it's...
That's right. On Thursdays, we take a moment out of our busy broadcast day to
answer some
of our viewer mail. Tonight is no exception. Let's get right to it, shall we?
Letter number
one comes to us from Jamie Craig. Jamie writes,
You don't understand me at all, do you? No, you don't. I knew that you didn't.
I just
knew it. I knew it. I knew it. I knew it. Why don't you show me a little
consideration
and at least try to understand me? You won't, though. I know it. Signed, Jamie
Craig. I admit
I don't understand you, Jamie, but it isn't just me. Does anybody else here
understand Jamie?
No!
Rest my case, Jamie. Sorry.
Letter number two. Dear Dave, we love your show, but frankly, we are bewildered
about your
introduction. Instead of saying David Letterman, your announcer Bill Wendell
says,
David Letterman. Dave, we were contemplating, what's the longest David Letterman
intro on record?
Please clue us in here at Duquesne University, a fine institution in Pittsburgh.
Is that where it is?
Yeah.
Sincerely, Bill Rogan and Daniel Martino. Well, this is not too tough a
question, folks.
The longest David Letterman intro on record would be this one. It's actually a
two-volume set.
Here's Bill Wendell, the longest David Letterman intro number one and then
number two.
And I tell you what, tonight, let's hear a cut from record number one, Side Two.
Listen to this, folks. I think you'll enjoy it.
Oh, okay. That's fine. Makes a lovely gift for me.
Uh, Duquesne is in Pittsburgh, huh?
Yeah!
All right.
Are those folks on the staff?
We're not sure.
Not sure. All right.
Dear Mr. Letterman, each night as you assume your monologue position, a pair of
rather superfluous stage doors close behind you.
However, the door on the audience left always, but always, takes longer to
reach its closed position than the door on the right.
Truly a glaring and ugly eyesore.
What gives, Mr. Letterman, sincerely, Steve Dobbins, Chapel Hill, North
Carolina.
Steve, thanks for the letter.
This is the third complaint we have received about those doors, and I'm afraid
we're going to have to do something about it.
Al, could we open the doors, please?
Okay, then.
All right. Let's go back here and see just what the problem is.
Excuse me.
William?
Hi. Hi. How's it going?
Fine. You're doing a great job. Keep up the good work.
Henry? How are you?
Fine, Mr. Letterman.
Good.
Fine.
Henry, how long have you been with us?
24 years since almost the beginning.
Yeah, right from the start, almost.
Henry, I'm sorry.
We received another complaint about your side of the door is opening a little
slowly,
and I'm afraid we're going to have to let you go.
So if there's anything I can do for you, a letter of recommendation or
something like that, I'd be happy to.
Almost one year to my attention.
Well, I know.
Well, just clean up and get out, if you will.
Okay.
I'm sorry.
It had to happen.
Well, uh...
It's a joke, actually.
We're certainly not...
It's kind of a joke.
We're not...
Yeah, we're not really going to let Henry go.
Letter number four.
Dear Dave, you know how before a commercial break, the technicians bring the
audio down on your microphones and up on Paul's band?
Well, invariably, this happens, and you lean over and say something to your
guest.
Could you please let us in on what we're missing?
For instance, tonight, Julia Child was on.
What did you lean over and say to her?
Happy Columbus Day, Dave.
Holly Barger, Alexandria, Virginia.
Holly, we do turn up the volume on the band before going to commercials so we
can all enjoy the fine music here in the studio,
but I don't remember exactly what I did say to Julia Child the night she was on.
Let's take a look at that videotape, Hal, if you could roll it, and we'll try
to determine what we did discuss.
We'll be back with Julia Child.
Julia, how about a dance?
How about a dance?
That's interesting.
You'll boo the old guy, but you won't boo the fat guy in drag.
All right, letter number five.
And by the way, we're not really going to...
Excuse me.
We're not really going to fire, Henry, are we?
No, we're not.
It's just a joke, isn't it?
Yeah, okay.
Letter number five.
I watched your show on October 15th in which you took Ruby down to 6th Avenue.
That's right.
Ruby was from South Carolina, I believe.
That's right.
Is it South Carolina or North Carolina?
South Carolina.
North Carolina.
Was it South Carolina or North Carolina?
What?
I was wondering, Dave, just how long is the cord on your microphone?
Well, this is a good question.
The microphone must get heavy, so why don't you use a cordless microphone?
This is a very good question from Kevin Underwood, Tacoma, Washington.
Kevin, I'm perfectly happy with the hand microphone that we've been using all
along.
It's very sturdy, and as you see, it has plenty of cord.
In fact, let me show you how much cord we have on it.
We have it spooled up over here by the window.
And let me just uncoil it one time here.
Now, we're on the sixth floor, Kevin, so let me just drop it out here.
We'll see how far the cord actually reaches.
Let me just feed it out.
All right.
It should go all...
Well, I'm not sure how far it'll go.
All right.
Hey, look at this.
Hmm.
I don't know where that came from.
I don't know.
Up in that building, I guess.
Looks like some kind of electronic thing.
Maybe for a radio or stereo or something.
Could be worth some money.
You know, my brother in Woodside knows all about this kind of stuff.
Let's let him take a look at it.
We can catch the bus to Queens right here.
See, I think what happened, I think Henry is operating this, and I think now we
are going
to have to let him go.
You all right, Tommy?
Well, we got kind of a snag in the gear, folks.
We're going to have to go back to shore and reload.
Well, that brings us to another fine ending of another fine episode of Viewer
Mail.
We'll be back here in a minute to meet Leon Schwab.
We'll be back here in a minute to meet Leon Schwab.
We'll be back here in a minute to meet Leon Schwab.
We'll be back here in a minute to meet you.
We'll be back here in a minute to meet you.
We'll be back here in a minute to meet you.
We'll be back here in a minute to meet you.
We'll be back here in a minute to meet you.
We'll be back here in a minute to meet you.
We'll be back here in a minute to meet you.
We'll be back here in a minute to meet you.
We'll be back here in a minute to meet you.
We'll be back here in a minute to meet you.
We'll be back here in a minute to meet you.
We'll be back here in a minute to meet you.
No, no, no, no.
Go get Henry.
I don't want these people upset for Henry's welfare.
Poor guy.
Henry!
Oh, no.
Well, as you can see, all hell is broken loose with me.
Now, we'll...
Henry, where are you?
Where did Henry go?
Henry?
Henry?
Henry, I just...
We were just teasing.
You have a job with this company for as long as you'd like it.
And to prove it, Mr. Tinker asked me to give you one of these late-night sponges.
And here are some facial blotters.
Thank you.
Thank you.
Well, thank you.
Congratulations.
Nice working with you.
Thank you.
Henry, we...
Henry, we...
It all just kind of seemed like a joke earlier today, but...
Took sort of an ugly turn, didn't it?
Well...
Thanks, folks.
Go get Henry.
Get Henry.
Uh, George, nice job.
Nice to see you again.
Very funny.
Thanks for being here, sir.
Also, Diane Lane.
It was nice to have Diane with us.
And, uh, Leon Schwab.
We'll see you Monday night, folks.
Also, Diane Lane, it was nice to have Diane with us, and Leon Schwab.
We'll see you Monday night, folks.
Billy Crystal will be here.
Have a good weekend.
We really didn't fire.
We'll be right back.
you