Name: Jack Paar on Letterman November 23, 1983
Uploaded: 2016-01-17T20:56:33.000Z
Description: Watch the stand-up comedy video 'Jack Paar on Letterman November 23, 1983' from Don Giller on Comedy Buff. Published 2016-01-17. Transcript available.

Watch the stand-up comedy video 'Jack Paar on Letterman November 23, 1983' from Don Giller on Comedy Buff. Published 2016-01-17. Transcript available.

that sounds terrific very nice yes sir grover washington jr we'll uh we'll be
talking with
you a little bit later right grover uh my next guest uh we're all very excited
to have this man
with us he is uh one of the most influential and also controversial figures in
the history
of american television this is his latest book entitled p.s jack parr in which
he tells of his
adventures inside and outside of the television studio we're very happy as i
mentioned to have
him with us tonight please welcome mr jack parr
so
nice to see you
you didn't have to do that i was coming out anyhow
it's always good to see you how does it feel to be back here
this is the a little emotional
the second time in i think 12 years
but uh i think of all the crazy things that happened right in the studio i see
bill wendell
and some of these cameramen are all old friends it was it was not really this
studio was it was just right across the hall well we used it in the prime
times show later um i used this studio because johnny kept the good one
as you know
yes
and uh
but i remember a funny things coming in tonight in the car thinking of things
to talk about tonight
first of all at when i was on you know under pressure if you remember i i stammer
and my voice cracks that's the way it is but uh people adored me anyhow you
know that
but anyhow
but anyhow i had to stammer and then barbara walters dave she couldn't say w's
uh she had trouble with w's and uh tom brokaw has trouble with r's
and this is an apocryphal story uh that i made up so somebody somebody called
up and said uh
i can't stand uh pars stammering and barbara walters can't speak and and brokaw
can't say ours
and i'm going to speak to the president of nbc so she asked and she got bob bolland
and he came on the phone and he said hello
he was down here to see me you know uh
i'd say let us we we have to do a commercial and station identification and we'll
come back
we get plenty of time have to do a commercial oh yeah yeah we gotta do a little
you have plenty
of time we'll have plenty of time all you won't cancel the star spangled banner
no the prayer or
if we have to we'll move everything out of here okay we'll get rid of cartoons
and anything all
right all right uh we're gonna do this folks uh take a break for a commercial
we'll be back
hi there we're back jack par is here tomorrow uh albert brooks will be here and
mary lou henner
will be here tomorrow night also he's a very clever man we got him on a lot brooks
uh i love
monavani over here i just think that's that's my kind of music you know when
you when you were uh
when you did the the the tonight show and it was actually the jack parr show
after a year wasn't it
they just gave you the whole show didn't they well i don't know that was a
corporate reason they
changed it from the tonight show but i never asked for that and i was against
the change i don't
know it must have been a corporate reason or else illegal reasons they wanted
no part of of it you
know they wanted to take the blame i was sued a lot you know bobby kennedy and
i were sued for two
million dollars once and uh winchell sued me for a million dollars i never lost
a penny in a libel suit
and uh not that i'm proud of having been sued but uh i told the truth and uh i've
never lost a nickel
in any kind of a legal action what were you what were you sued for those two
times you mentioned
do you remember well in the case with bobby it was what bobby said about hoffa
he called him a
a common thief and crook and i sat there and i didn't say and i didn't want i'm
not going to
defend hoffa so i was included about winchell i the man is dead and i don't
wish to speak of him
again okay yeah it's not fair but you know the the point you brought up was
just the point i was
about to bring up when you did the show yeah it was all hell could break loose
and very often did
yeah and uh what was that ladies and gentlemen of the jury if you take a look
at this bit of evidence
uh jack describe uh what is transpiring here well obviously i'm leaving yeah
but but the show's not
over yet is it no i i did i am they cut a joke i did a long story it's very
innocent and if you read
my book you'll find it to be a very amusing story and you'll find out what
exactly happened the thing was
it was a story about a water closet now how shocking is that today nbc censored
it then they admitted that
they had made a mistake and i said then if you made a mistake then i want you
to put it on the next
night and they said no no we you can't run the network and i said i'm not
asking them to run the
network although it might not be a bad idea but but i just don't um i just
think that if you think
you made a mistake you should admit it sure well they didn't so i said well
then i have a surprise
for you the surprise was i left and quit and was through and had no job at all
however when you
consider that we're talking about a water closet story and what is being said
today on television
and radio it's pretty silly one of the stories that i love to tell that
actually is true and the thing
about me is believability i usually people believe it there was there is a talk
show on abc a sex show
as you know that answers questions you know it's true and they had two
ministers on one morning a
fundamentalist minister and um uh both fundamentalists one was against dancing
just per se against dancing
the other was against any kind of sex that was not among married couples and
particularly not deviant
yeah so the phone calls come in now this is what i heard and the lady said well
you know i'm puzzled
uh reverend uh uh deviant would you call sex standing up deviant and he said
yes because it's inclined
to lead to lead to dancing
there was a this this is this is an innocent story but the one i going to tell
you was about the the
minister no not the minister it was um oh gee was i forget well let me ask you
a question while you're
thinking ask me anything now i want to get back to the night that you just
packed up and walked off the
show now what what we have here in front of you is 90 minutes of network
television time right
yes this was what a monday or a tuesday night i don't remember so you come out
you do your opening
remarks yes you go to the desk and you say that's it folks i'm sorry uh this is
wrong and i'm leaving
yes now then what happened who who jumped in did the show go on hugh downs
fainted that was the next
thing that happened he was your uh sidekick your announcer yeah and shelly
shelly berman was on
uh-huh a really funny inside story people think that we all love each other so
much and we do
actors really do but when the chips are down shelly had just sold an album that
sold a million copies and
he apparently was not supposed to know that he got a golden record but the
agent brought it to me and
i was to surprise him and give him this golden record but in all fairness when
i knew i was going to
leave i told you i said you here are the notes for tonight's show and and you i'm
leaving well he
couldn't she didn't believe it but i went to shelly i thought these friends of
mine would miss me or say
god you know we've been together and so i love you and good luck and everything
i said to shelly
in all fairness shelly i'm leaving uh secretly all of uh i'm just going to walk
out of here and shelly
says what about my golden record no one said goodbye it was a strange way i
remember it's very exciting
television though to to see that i remember i am slightly paranoid by that i
mean it i i find trouble
everywhere and i'm very i think i'm a modest person but i always think
something's bad going to happen
and like you i drive in from the country and uh in my little sports car and uh
i wear gym shoes
and uh and uh the sweater slacks and suddenly here in the studio i i have my
own clothes nice clothes
i wear on the show then after the show change back just just as you do dave and
i got in my car
and i'm on the west side highway on the same highway you're on every night and
i'm going home and i
realize i don't have my wallet now that shouldn't be a big issue we're talking
about 50 cents but i can
go into panic absolute panic then i begin to talk to myself and say well what
will i do the first thing
is i'll take off my wristwatch and say i'll this and and i'll come back
tomorrow and i can get it i thought
that's kind of corny no i know what i'll do i'll tell him i'm jack parr and i
thought that he may
not like jack parr and that may not be a good idea then in my fantasy i'm
getting angrier and angrier at
a man i've never met or seen and i say i'm going to tell this guy that i'm a
personal president a friend
of president kennedy yeah i had lunch with uh the attorney general last week
that's what i'm going to tell
then i realized that that's so silly and i said i'm going to be sensible and
not stammer and just admit
it in a deep voice without stammering i remember pulling up to the toll booth
mad at this man
putting the window down and saying i don't have any money
and the guy said we had a good day be my guest
but i'm inclined to build up these stories and uh and uh i thought that was
kind of yeah that's
terrific i tell you what we'll do a commercial here jack and then uh we'll come
on back folks so stay
with us
folks uh jack farr is here you did uh the show not only uh from the studio here
but uh you did it
uh all all over the world actually well i think unlike anyone doing this kind
of show now on any
of the networks uh i was 20 years ago i i did the shows like this from berlin
as you remember maybe some
of you remember um from hawaii from africa from moscow let me see what picture
it's strange it was done
i was the first to talk to castro uh i was there in the revolution four days
after the revolution i lived
beneath castro in a hotel penthouse suite that was so crazy now did he know who
you were no yeah what
what kind of man was he i liked him yeah well i'm not going to get into
politics i'm talking about man
the man you know and i remember that in my nervousness the kind of thing this
is what i used to do it's
it's hard to understand that it was a big success but that's what it was and i
say dumb things and i
say nervous things and i say honest things but when castro came down at two o'clock
in the morning
with nine guys with machine guns guarding him on the fourth day after to see me
because he promised
somebody i would be the first and when he came down in my nervousness i said
you live above me and he
said you know grunted and i said i hope you didn't come down to borrow sugar
well his eyes rolled back
and he thought what kind of a thing am i doing here we have a revolution going
with this guy but i just
didn't know what else to say yeah yeah now you know in this um how much time do
we have we have three
minutes okay uh i the hallway is what reminds me of something interesting today
i met so many people i
knew out there uh one time i went to a party and i met a young lady kid 15
years old and she sang and
she wanted to be a star she looked like a wet sparrow she weighed about 100
pounds i think 10 pounds were
eyes she had hair like it was done by the north wind and uh i called her mother
and said would you mind if
i put her on and her mother said i just please don't don't put her on at least
not under her name if the
kid is good i want her to make it on her own you give me your word that you put
her on under any name
but not her own and so i said okay and we agreed she looked like a gypsy hungarian
so i called her
doji langar and uh she was going to be on a certain night and we got clothes
for your director that now
it's your director was my director the best there is in the business hal gurney
and uh we got we got
clothes for her and we got her all fixed up everything and she fell and broke
her leg
so the phone call came and said uh gee uh doji broke her leg uh she can't go on
and i said obviously
she can't go on you tell the kid that as soon as her leg heals as soon as she
can stand and take a bow
she will be off this was a prime time big show and so they called back and said
look jack uh the kid
is hysterical she's broken hearted this means so much to her well i can i could
take a broken leg
but a broken leg and a broken heart too much so i said okay we'll put her on we
put her on next week
we had her in a uh in a wheelchair her leg was in a big cast up to her hip we
couldn't put a dress on
her she came out in blue jeans we wheeled her out but in rehearsal in this very
hallway 20 feet from
where i am i heard this scream before the show and i ran out and i said what in
the hell is going on
this child is screaming and they said we're trying to get her on the john and
the door closed on her
on her broken leg so anyhow we finally got her out and she sang and she was a
smash and you know who that
was well her right name is liza minnelli
and uh doozy doozy langar was a a reversal semi-reversal of judy garland it was
judy garland's
daughter but this was standard procedure for you you had a a a whole list of
folks making their debut
on your show we're going to do another commercial jack and we'll be right back
don't worry okay
hi there we're back again jack far is uh with us uh grover washington jr will
uh be playing for us a
little bit more in the show i i uh i've been here long enough but what i want
to do is uh just show you
something i think might be amusing all right might be interesting you know
nothing about it i know
okay incidentally can i just say before i go this is the most modest the nicest
young man
dave david don't waste don't waste my time applauding for him that's a good
point
the thing is this is the nicest young man i've met in show business in a long
time
oh jack now come on no no no but now i want to show you something that he knows
nothing about only
two people know about it the director who knows about it and you come with me
yes sir
now i never won any a lot of awards but i have something that's so rare and so
touching to me
that and i think funny to you just trust me it is true it is honest it i'm not
a phony come cover me paul
if i don't come back god love you
this is exciting this is the hallway yeah yeah now can they hear me i hope they
oh yeah we can all
sure and this is this is the hallway that was my studio over there and then
look here's a great
come here once dave here's a picture of you oh my yeah look here this was taken
in prison
this is yes this is an unbelievable uh photograph yeah that's a great show i
didn't know that was
and this guy was so wonderful charlie weaver cliff arquette yeah and apparently
nbc has forgotten
this poor devil because look how they spelled his name yeah tom cindy or
something i don't anyhow you
know the haircut never seems to go out of style yeah yeah come come come now
listen poor tom it's not
not fair to be saying things about tom now this this is the hallway i would
walk every night this is the
hallway that eliza minnelli yelled in this is about here is where i found dick
cabot he was waiting
for me a little kid with his little joke wrote for you for a while yes dick cabot
okay now this was my
off come here this was my this was my office now they keep dogs and it's a junk
room it's just nothing
but come here all right now among the many acts i found and helped in show
business among the many
use this dressing room right won an act one night that now became that now is
very famous and while i
said i never had any awards and was not considered much uh by many people the
point is when i open
this door you'll see a tribute that was made to me that nobody has seen in 20
years as a matter of
fact bob mulholland the president of nbc was here this morning they had to open
this door this actually
was a series of of steam valves and this little act that was on my show for the
first time had never
been on television were so nervous waiting to go on that they decorated
something i swear to you
this is true this has not been seen in 20 years
oh that's amazing oh that's amazing it says with love the muppets yeah jim henson
did all of this
jim henson did all of that just before his show and it's the only honor i
really have
i can't take it home this is unbelievable this we got a chance to show it yeah
that's terrific can you go
any closer now how long did you keep this poor man waiting in here jack this is
like a decade of work
this has not been seen in 20 years nbc had the door locked and i don't think
anyone knew what it was
just hal gurney and i knew about it oh that's terrific listen uh uh you have
this is valuable
plumbing now yes yeah that's very nice it was good seeing you good seeing you
thank you for having
me on have a good holiday and thank your audience very much thank you very much
Thank you.

Jack Paar on Letterman November 23, 1983

that sounds terrific very nice yes sir grover washington jr we'll uh we'll be
talking with
you a little bit later right grover uh my next guest uh we're all very excited
to have this man
with us he is uh one of the most influential and also controversial figures in
the history
of american television this is his latest book entitled p.s jack parr in which
he tells of his
adventures inside and outside of the television studio we're very happy as i
mentioned to have
him with us tonight please welcome mr jack parr
so
nice to see you
you didn't have to do that i was coming out anyhow
it's always good to see you how does it feel to be back here
this is the a little emotional
the second time in i think 12 years
but uh i think of all the crazy things that happened right in the studio i see
bill wendell
and some of these cameramen are all old friends it was it was not really this
studio was it was just right across the hall well we used it in the prime
times show later um i used this studio because johnny kept the good one
as you know
yes
and uh
but i remember a funny things coming in tonight in the car thinking of things
to talk about tonight
first of all at when i was on you know under pressure if you remember i i stammer
and my voice cracks that's the way it is but uh people adored me anyhow you
know that
but anyhow
but anyhow i had to stammer and then barbara walters dave she couldn't say w's
uh she had trouble with w's and uh tom brokaw has trouble with r's
and this is an apocryphal story uh that i made up so somebody somebody called
up and said uh
i can't stand uh pars stammering and barbara walters can't speak and and brokaw
can't say ours
and i'm going to speak to the president of nbc so she asked and she got bob bolland
and he came on the phone and he said hello
he was down here to see me you know uh
i'd say let us we we have to do a commercial and station identification and we'll
come back
we get plenty of time have to do a commercial oh yeah yeah we gotta do a little
you have plenty
of time we'll have plenty of time all you won't cancel the star spangled banner
no the prayer or
if we have to we'll move everything out of here okay we'll get rid of cartoons
and anything all
right all right uh we're gonna do this folks uh take a break for a commercial
we'll be back
hi there we're back jack par is here tomorrow uh albert brooks will be here and
mary lou henner
will be here tomorrow night also he's a very clever man we got him on a lot brooks
uh i love
monavani over here i just think that's that's my kind of music you know when
you when you were uh
when you did the the the tonight show and it was actually the jack parr show
after a year wasn't it
they just gave you the whole show didn't they well i don't know that was a
corporate reason they
changed it from the tonight show but i never asked for that and i was against
the change i don't
know it must have been a corporate reason or else illegal reasons they wanted
no part of of it you
know they wanted to take the blame i was sued a lot you know bobby kennedy and
i were sued for two
million dollars once and uh winchell sued me for a million dollars i never lost
a penny in a libel suit
and uh not that i'm proud of having been sued but uh i told the truth and uh i've
never lost a nickel
in any kind of a legal action what were you what were you sued for those two
times you mentioned
do you remember well in the case with bobby it was what bobby said about hoffa
he called him a
a common thief and crook and i sat there and i didn't say and i didn't want i'm
not going to
defend hoffa so i was included about winchell i the man is dead and i don't
wish to speak of him
again okay yeah it's not fair but you know the the point you brought up was
just the point i was
about to bring up when you did the show yeah it was all hell could break loose
and very often did
yeah and uh what was that ladies and gentlemen of the jury if you take a look
at this bit of evidence
uh jack describe uh what is transpiring here well obviously i'm leaving yeah
but but the show's not
over yet is it no i i did i am they cut a joke i did a long story it's very
innocent and if you read
my book you'll find it to be a very amusing story and you'll find out what
exactly happened the thing was
it was a story about a water closet now how shocking is that today nbc censored
it then they admitted that
they had made a mistake and i said then if you made a mistake then i want you
to put it on the next
night and they said no no we you can't run the network and i said i'm not
asking them to run the
network although it might not be a bad idea but but i just don't um i just
think that if you think
you made a mistake you should admit it sure well they didn't so i said well
then i have a surprise
for you the surprise was i left and quit and was through and had no job at all
however when you
consider that we're talking about a water closet story and what is being said
today on television
and radio it's pretty silly one of the stories that i love to tell that
actually is true and the thing
about me is believability i usually people believe it there was there is a talk
show on abc a sex show
as you know that answers questions you know it's true and they had two
ministers on one morning a
fundamentalist minister and um uh both fundamentalists one was against dancing
just per se against dancing
the other was against any kind of sex that was not among married couples and
particularly not deviant
yeah so the phone calls come in now this is what i heard and the lady said well
you know i'm puzzled
uh reverend uh uh deviant would you call sex standing up deviant and he said
yes because it's inclined
to lead to lead to dancing
there was a this this is this is an innocent story but the one i going to tell
you was about the the
minister no not the minister it was um oh gee was i forget well let me ask you
a question while you're
thinking ask me anything now i want to get back to the night that you just
packed up and walked off the
show now what what we have here in front of you is 90 minutes of network
television time right
yes this was what a monday or a tuesday night i don't remember so you come out
you do your opening
remarks yes you go to the desk and you say that's it folks i'm sorry uh this is
wrong and i'm leaving
yes now then what happened who who jumped in did the show go on hugh downs
fainted that was the next
thing that happened he was your uh sidekick your announcer yeah and shelly
shelly berman was on
uh-huh a really funny inside story people think that we all love each other so
much and we do
actors really do but when the chips are down shelly had just sold an album that
sold a million copies and
he apparently was not supposed to know that he got a golden record but the
agent brought it to me and
i was to surprise him and give him this golden record but in all fairness when
i knew i was going to
leave i told you i said you here are the notes for tonight's show and and you i'm
leaving well he
couldn't she didn't believe it but i went to shelly i thought these friends of
mine would miss me or say
god you know we've been together and so i love you and good luck and everything
i said to shelly
in all fairness shelly i'm leaving uh secretly all of uh i'm just going to walk
out of here and shelly
says what about my golden record no one said goodbye it was a strange way i
remember it's very exciting
television though to to see that i remember i am slightly paranoid by that i
mean it i i find trouble
everywhere and i'm very i think i'm a modest person but i always think
something's bad going to happen
and like you i drive in from the country and uh in my little sports car and uh
i wear gym shoes
and uh and uh the sweater slacks and suddenly here in the studio i i have my
own clothes nice clothes
i wear on the show then after the show change back just just as you do dave and
i got in my car
and i'm on the west side highway on the same highway you're on every night and
i'm going home and i
realize i don't have my wallet now that shouldn't be a big issue we're talking
about 50 cents but i can
go into panic absolute panic then i begin to talk to myself and say well what
will i do the first thing
is i'll take off my wristwatch and say i'll this and and i'll come back
tomorrow and i can get it i thought
that's kind of corny no i know what i'll do i'll tell him i'm jack parr and i
thought that he may
not like jack parr and that may not be a good idea then in my fantasy i'm
getting angrier and angrier at
a man i've never met or seen and i say i'm going to tell this guy that i'm a
personal president a friend
of president kennedy yeah i had lunch with uh the attorney general last week
that's what i'm going to tell
then i realized that that's so silly and i said i'm going to be sensible and
not stammer and just admit
it in a deep voice without stammering i remember pulling up to the toll booth
mad at this man
putting the window down and saying i don't have any money
and the guy said we had a good day be my guest
but i'm inclined to build up these stories and uh and uh i thought that was
kind of yeah that's
terrific i tell you what we'll do a commercial here jack and then uh we'll come
on back folks so stay
with us
folks uh jack farr is here you did uh the show not only uh from the studio here
but uh you did it
uh all all over the world actually well i think unlike anyone doing this kind
of show now on any
of the networks uh i was 20 years ago i i did the shows like this from berlin
as you remember maybe some
of you remember um from hawaii from africa from moscow let me see what picture
it's strange it was done
i was the first to talk to castro uh i was there in the revolution four days
after the revolution i lived
beneath castro in a hotel penthouse suite that was so crazy now did he know who
you were no yeah what
what kind of man was he i liked him yeah well i'm not going to get into
politics i'm talking about man
the man you know and i remember that in my nervousness the kind of thing this
is what i used to do it's
it's hard to understand that it was a big success but that's what it was and i
say dumb things and i
say nervous things and i say honest things but when castro came down at two o'clock
in the morning
with nine guys with machine guns guarding him on the fourth day after to see me
because he promised
somebody i would be the first and when he came down in my nervousness i said
you live above me and he
said you know grunted and i said i hope you didn't come down to borrow sugar
well his eyes rolled back
and he thought what kind of a thing am i doing here we have a revolution going
with this guy but i just
didn't know what else to say yeah yeah now you know in this um how much time do
we have we have three
minutes okay uh i the hallway is what reminds me of something interesting today
i met so many people i
knew out there uh one time i went to a party and i met a young lady kid 15
years old and she sang and
she wanted to be a star she looked like a wet sparrow she weighed about 100
pounds i think 10 pounds were
eyes she had hair like it was done by the north wind and uh i called her mother
and said would you mind if
i put her on and her mother said i just please don't don't put her on at least
not under her name if the
kid is good i want her to make it on her own you give me your word that you put
her on under any name
but not her own and so i said okay and we agreed she looked like a gypsy hungarian
so i called her
doji langar and uh she was going to be on a certain night and we got clothes
for your director that now
it's your director was my director the best there is in the business hal gurney
and uh we got we got
clothes for her and we got her all fixed up everything and she fell and broke
her leg
so the phone call came and said uh gee uh doji broke her leg uh she can't go on
and i said obviously
she can't go on you tell the kid that as soon as her leg heals as soon as she
can stand 