Name: Acts 1 and 4 on Letterman, January 8, 1986
Uploaded: 2016-01-29T06:10:01.000Z
Description: Watch the stand-up comedy video 'Acts 1 and 4 on Letterman, January 8, 1986' from Don Giller on Comedy Buff. Published 2016-01-29. Transcript available.

Watch the stand-up comedy video 'Acts 1 and 4 on Letterman, January 8, 1986' from Don Giller on Comedy Buff. Published 2016-01-29. Transcript available.

Okay. How about a little Barbara Stanwyck on the Colbys?
Yeah, let's hear it.
A little, just a little bit.
Barbara Stanwyck on the Colbys.
For the love of God!
We have some photographs we're going to show you.
These are people who wanted to be on this telecast
and for one reason or another did not make the cut.
Paul, do we have music for this?
Yes.
Very nice.
People wanted to be on the show.
We said thanks, but no thanks.
Montana's Bill Armstrong wanted to talk about
his tough new wilderness camp for kids.
I'd just give him a hunk of jerky and point him towards Denver.
The wolves weed out the crybabies.
This guy wanted to be on.
We're a little sore, these folks said,
but we're ready to do talk shows, said Lydia Mallon
after she and her friends beat the New York Giants
20 to nothing in an exhibition game.
Only a joke, ladies and gentlemen.
This guy wanted to be on our show
in the Where Are They Now segment.
Remember this guy?
This is TV's Dennis the Menace, Jay North.
Paul, you can help with some of these if you want.
Anything you have to add?
Lewis and Eddie Thompson claim to be the toughest
bingo parlor bouncers in the business.
Somebody wises off, says Eddie, and we move in.
Carl, I'm sorry you had to see that.
That's very nice.
John J. O'Connor wanted to talk about his recent firing
by Yankee owner George Steinbrenner.
I didn't think he could fire an archbishop, O'Connor told us,
but the small print in the rule book says he can,
so I guess I'll try my luck in Oakland or Milwaukee.
He's got a gun!
Clint Eastwood and Mary Tyler Moore wanted to make an announcement
to the American people on our show.
Now that the long nightmare of happy days is over,
Clint says, we're ready to stand up and admit it.
Ron Howard is our son.
Thank you.
Thank you very much.
Thank you for that outburst of phony applause.
You know, some Japanese producers wanted to plug their movie
about two gigantic pastry chefs who cover Tokyo
with a deadly layer of frosting.
Oh, I knew that was going nowhere.
A little comedy extender we have standing there.
J.C. Dillon, the gentleman on the right wanted to come on the show
and explain why he went into the hardware business,
says, J.C., you'll never get rich,
but you get more than Frank Sinatra.
Yeah, it's coming out, too.
It's coming out.
And finally, oh, we have plenty of time.
Oh, jeez.
Finally, number 10 here, Klaus von Bülow wanted to be on the program
to tell a few jokes.
For example, he says the toughest thing about the new year
is that he's still writing 1985 on Sonny's checks.
This is not a bad joke here.
That's, uh, we have a wonderful program for you folks.
Hold it.
Hey, wait a minute.
Hold it.
Let me tell you who's here.
Leticia Baldridge is here.
Excuse me.
We have the Peace Through Dramatization players here
and Carl Perkins.
Yeah, I'm sorry.
Paul, what?
I'm sorry.
Uh, is that it?
Is that the opening, uh, comedy piece?
Well, yeah.
What?
Was there a problem with that?
Well, I hated to interrupt, but, you know,
I realize we're just back from vacation and everything.
Right.
Last night, you went up into the audience.
You know, Monday, we spent about eight minutes
shooting darts at a camera.
Right.
This is the third night in a row.
We haven't really had a, you know,
a really, a really written opening piece, you know?
Something with big props and jokes and stuff.
Yeah, okay.
Well, uh, you're right.
I admit it.
I guess we've been coasting a little bit.
But, you know, I see it after four years,
the way I look at things.
We're in pretty good shape.
And, you know, I think we can afford
to rest on our laurels for a little bit.
I mean, you know, what else can they do?
What have they got us?
What's going to happen?
You know, we're solid.
We're here.
No problem.
Just slide for a while.
It's no big deal.
Good evening, and welcome to NBC's Adventure Theater.
Tonight's premiere episode, Undersea Kingdom,
already in progress.
Undersea Kingdom will return in a moment.
Jesus.
That will be tomorrow night, ladies and gentlemen.
Oh, well, it's certainly a magic night here, folks.
You're really in for a treat now.
Today is Elvis Presley's birthday, and what better way to commemorate this
than our own piece through Dramatization Players' touching tribute to this show.
We'll be right back to you next week, and we'll be right back to you next week.
We'll be right back to you next week, and we'll be right back to you next week.
Dramatization Players' touching tribute to the king entitled, "Elvis: A
Birthday Memory."
Kids?
Care for another piece of pie, Chet?
Oh, no thanks, Irma.
I'm working on my poems.
Isn't this exciting?
Elvis Presley right here in Cooper County.
You going to the big show tomorrow?
I'd like to.
If only I could get some of my poems to Elvis.
Oh, why don't you just go over to the hotel?
I bet he's not doing anything tonight.
All right, freeze!
Both of you!
Let's go!
Up against the wall.
Come on, move it!
Move it!
Move it!
Move it!
All right, hold it.
Hold it right there.
All right, Elvis.
Come on in.
Come on in, Elvis.
There he is.
Elvis.
Shut up!
You didn't see nobody here.
Now, Elvis and I, we're just gonna hang out here for a little while.
Just until things blow over.
Yeah, that's right.
Hey, Elvis.
Looky here.
Elvis, she's pretty.
You want her?
No, but I would like some of that pie.
Hey.
Yeah.
Sure does look good, don't it?
Yeah.
Hey, what the hell?
Look at this.
Now, what the...
Love me tender.
Love me true.
Never let me go...
Well, hey, Elvis.
That could be a good song for you.
Yeah.
Hey, those are my poems.
Shut up, pretty boy.
I'm gonna have to mess you up.
You wanna...
Elvis, get down.
Hold it.
Elvis, we know you're in there.
Come on in.
Come on in.
Hey, Elvis, we know you're in there.
Come on in.
Yeah.
Hey, those are my poems.
Shut up, pretty boy.
I'm gonna have to mess you up.
You wanna...
Elvis, get down.
Hold it.
Elvis, we know you're in there.
Come out with your hands up.
Shut up, copper.
You're never gonna get Elvis.
You understand me?
Chris, excuse me.
Excuse me.
Give me that just a second.
Get up.
Well, it's not over yet, Dave,
but thank you very much.
Come on, get up, Chris.
It's all right.
Thank you.
Chris, come on.
Thanks.
It's still going on there.
Yeah, I know.
Uh...
What the hell does this have to do with Elvis?
Who is this guy?
He doesn't even look like Elvis.
Oh, I know.
It's Eerie, isn't it?
He's, uh...
That's my good friend, Rick.
Yeah.
I know, we didn't realize until we put the glasses on him.
Yeah.
It's a dead ringer.
Listen now, uh...
How long have you been working on this?
Did you even have a script for this thing?
Well, of course not.
We were improvising.
We wanted a script.
He wouldn't let us.
He hogged the whole thing.
You bitch!
Um, Chris, Chris, now it seems to me that an actor needs a script.
To do the job, you know?
Uh-huh.
An actor needs a script.
Hold on.
That's right.
Do you mind if I ask you a simple question?
Yeah.
What the hell do you know about theater, mister?
Have you done any characters?
Are you a character actor?
Is that the thing?
No, no.
I'm not a character.
The only character that I play is myself.
Oh, right.
And Dave, it's a charmer, too.
Uh...
Now, Chris, I have to tell you something.
I think you've really ruined the piece through Dramatization Players.
Is that the thing?
No, no, I'm not a character.
The only character that I play is myself.
Oh, and Dave, it's a charmer, too.
Now, Chris, I have to tell you something.
I think you've really ruined the piece through Dramatization Players, and I don't
want to
embarrass you, but are you drunk?
He's always drunk.
I'm sorry, Elvis?
He's always drunk.
He's always drunk.
Thank you very much.
Go back to sleep in your pie.
I can't believe it.
Yeah, okay, I'm drunk.
Big deal.
Who cares?
Look, you said it yourself.
We're in our fourth year here.
No one cares.
We're riding on vapor here.
You know what I was thinking about?
We now return to Undersea Kingdom.
Undersea Kingdom will return in a moment.
Thank you.
Thank you.
Thank you.