Name: Viewer Mail on Letterman, April 26, 1984
Uploaded: 2016-03-15T02:21:36.000Z
Description: Watch the stand-up comedy video 'Viewer Mail on Letterman, April 26, 1984' from Don Giller on Comedy Buff. Published 2016-03-15. Transcript available.

Watch the stand-up comedy video 'Viewer Mail on Letterman, April 26, 1984' from Don Giller on Comedy Buff. Published 2016-03-15. Transcript available.

You going to have a good weekend?
Weekend's coming up.
Yeah, you're going to have a good one.
Am I going to have a good one?
Yeah, we're opening up this very nutty show.
It's called...
Oh, I already spoke about it.
Leader of the Pack.
Some kind of odd time warp in here.
It all started with...
What's his name?
Dong Boy up there.
Oh, no, wait a minute.
We have a lot of wonderful show for you.
Here tonight, let's get right to it.
Are we running late?
Is it too late to even start this now, or should we...
Do it, all right.
It's viewer mail night.
This is the night where we answer all of our viewer mail.
All of the nice folks who watch around this great land of ours
take the trouble to write in.
We respond to them tonight when we do it.
Dear Dave, letter number one begins.
What should I shoot next?
Hurry, please.
And it's signed, Dan, Oklahoma City.
Dan, if I were you, I'd shoot that goofy-looking guy
at the other end of your pool table.
That would be a fair place to start.
Uh, dear Dave, would you like to fight?
This would mean a lot to me.
I like to watch your show, but I would rather fight.
Sincerely, Rob Fulks, Chicago, Illinois.
Now, Rob, fighting unnecessarily is just foolish.
You should have a really good reason
before you decide to physically harm someone.
Now, even if you did have a reason to fight with me,
there's a really long line of guys ahead of you.
Let me show you what I mean.
Walk this way.
Thanks, Bob.
Could I have the microphone?
Sure.
How do you do, sir?
Just fine.
And you would like to fight me, wouldn't you?
That's right.
Why is that?
Because you altered my medical records as a joke.
Okay, thank you, sir.
And I understand you'd like to fight me, sir?
That's right.
Why is that?
You screwed up my wedding pictures.
Okay, thank you.
How about you, sir?
I don't like guys who wear wigs.
All right.
And you, sir?
Well, fighting you would bring honor to me and my family.
Okay.
And you, sir?
I'm tired of you mimicking me in front of important clients.
Thank you very much.
And what about you, sir?
Well, you and Wendell took me out to Route 45.
You pantsed me and then you took off.
Thank you very much, folks.
Nice.
Thank you.
I didn't even realize you had gotten married.
I'm sorry.
Okay.
See, there's a long list of guys.
Who want to fight me?
A long list of guys.
How long is it?
Oh.
So long as a dong.
Okay, now.
How was that?
Letter number three.
Dear Dave, how come the ketchup that comes in the little plastic envelope
never tastes as good as the ketchup you get out of a bottle?
Sincerely, Brock Wood at William & Mary.
Hmm.
Well, you know, Brock, frankly, I actually never noticed any difference.
But a member of our staff has volunteered to test your question for us.
Chris Elliott will do the testing.
Chris, go ahead, sir.
I'm sorry.
Dave, I can't tell any difference between us.
About the same, are they?
Okay, well, there you go.
Tastes about the same.
All right, we're up to letter number four here.
Dear Dave, I love your show and never miss it because you've become a sort of
hero to me.
Well, this is very nice of you to say.
My roommate, however, does not think so highly of you and says Letterman's no
hero.
I mean, how much could he bench press?
Well, I said that you could bench press plenty, maybe 250 or 300 pounds.
I would like to see you bench on your show, Dave, and prove to my roommate you're
no wimp.
Admiringly, David Todd and Don Outerdown.
I have a jacket made of that stuff, as a matter of fact.
Comes from Southern Connecticut State University.
Well, David, if your friend thinks I'm a wimp, that's his problem.
I don't feel I have to prove my masculinity.
Dave, Dave, Dave, Dave, you've got to come quick.
It's Tex Cobb.
He's trapped.
Uh-huh.
Come on.
You've got to come quick.
He's trapped.
Well, let's, for heaven's sakes, thank you very much, Paul, for coming.
What the hell happened back here?
All right, here, here.
Gentlemen, please, please.
Come on, back off.
Let me give it a try.
All right.
You all right, Tex?
I'm all right.
Okay, let's just.
Oh, yeah.
Oh, wow.
There you go.
All right, now.
Get ready to pull your leg out.
Well, thanks to you, Dave.
I don't think anybody can lift that boulder.
Well, it only weighs, what, about 200, 300 pounds or something like that?
More like five.
More like five.
Pretty painful under there, was it, Tex?
Yeah.
I sensed the shadowy spectrum of death.
How about the spectrum of death?
How about me doing this shit right?
I sensed the shadowy spectrum of death looming large.
Yeah.
Why don't I read this stuff?
Yes, I sensed the shadowy spectrum of.
You like this bit, Dave?
It's all right.
It's moving.
It's moving.
Yes, I sensed the shadowy spectrum of death reckoning, beckoning to me.
Enlarge that damn sign.
We're fucking up here.
Okay.
Yes, yeah.
I sensed the shadowy spectrum of death beckoning to me, promising me the sweet
relief of everlasting
nothingness.
I'm glad you came along.
Well, so.
You want to try it again, Dave?
No, no.
Oh, too much of this is.
Yeah, yeah.
That's what you were sensing, and I sensed that this will never see the light
of day.
Well, we'll be right back, folks.
We have a wonderful program.
Phyllis Diller is here, and plenty more.
Thank you.