Name: The Conspiracy Guy Collection, 1983-84
Uploaded: 2016-04-23T23:19:30.000Z
Description: Watch the stand-up comedy video 'The Conspiracy Guy Collection, 1983-84' from Don Giller on Comedy Buff. Published 2016-04-23. Transcript available.

Watch the stand-up comedy video 'The Conspiracy Guy Collection, 1983-84' from Don Giller on Comedy Buff. Published 2016-04-23. Transcript available.

Finally, letter number five, Marilee Lipton.
Oh, that's a pleasant name. Isn't that a nice name, Paul, Marilee Lipton?
Port Chester, New York.
Dear Dave, Dave, Dave, what should I do?
Every night at 12.30, my television picture gets really fuzzy, and I miss your
show.
I haven't seen Late Night since, well, since way back in the late 50s.
It's very frustrating. I say it's a conspiracy against me, Dave.
What do you think? You've got to help me, Dave.
You've just got to. Thanks again, Marilee Lipton.
Well, Marilee, you know, I'd be glad to help you,
but before I can, you're going to have to abandon this ridiculous notion of
yours
that there's some sort of sinister conspiracy out to get you.
This is a very absurd idea.
Wait a second. Listen to me. There is a conspiracy.
He's a liar. He's lying to you.
I have names. I have dates.
It goes higher than you can possibly imagine.
You're going to try the fool.
Well, I certainly hope you've all enjoyed viewer mail this week.
I know I have, and...
Of course, we also have a duty as broadcasters to protect the public
from reckless expressions of irresponsible ideas.
What's up, Dave? Just about all your sponsors are guilty of what I'm talking
about.
Sears and Roebuck? Why, they've been doing it for years.
So is the Ford Motor Company.
And Kraft Foods? God, those guys are real devils.
And they're not half as bad as Procter.
Even, uh...
Oh, sure.
Uh, yes, sir.
What can we do for you?
What is your name?
I think you know who I am.
And, uh, what, uh, what can we do for you, sir?
Well, I'd like to know a little bit more about the conspiracy, if you don't
mind.
Uh, I'm not, I'm not sure I understand.
Yeah, I thought you'd say that.
You know exactly what I'm talking about.
I'm talking about Schaefer and the shredded documents.
I'm talking about Wendell and the laundered money.
I'm talking about Connie Chung's secret committee of 12...
I'm talking about Grant Teacock.
Thank you.
Thank you very much.
Thank you.
Thank you.
Thank you very much.
And, uh, welcome to the show, ladies and gentlemen.
It's certainly a pleasure to, uh...
Certainly a...
Excuse me.
Just one second.
Uh, pardon me.
Is there something I could do for you, sir?
Oh, yes.
I think there's something you can do for all of us here,
Mr. Talk Show Host.
Uh-huh.
All right.
Um, what, what, what is your name, please?
Oh, just call me Mr. Concerned Citizen.
Oh, okay.
Uh, apparently you have a problem of some sort?
Yes, I have a problem, and so does everybody else here.
I'm talking about the conspiracy.
I've been trying to tell people about this for weeks.
I'm talking about Connie Chung's secret committee of 12...
Excuse me.
I'm talking about the memos that go from NBC.
You have to listen to me.
You have to...
I, I don't know.
Uh, uh, occasionally when folks can't get in to see live at five, they, they
come over here
and please don't be alarmed by that bit of nastiness.
Uh, I'm reading in the newspaper, this man, a pharmacology, uh, professor at
Penn State University,
has applied to the United States government for a grant and has been awarded $150,000
to develop a time-release placebo.
See?
See?
See, the longer you think about that one, the more sense it's going to make.
Ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha.
Ha, ha, ha, ha.
Ha, ha, ha.
Excuse me just a minute.
Yes, uh, is there...
I'm sorry, could I, uh, could I, could I help you, sir?
Maybe.
Uh-huh.
Uh...
What, uh, what is your name?
You know who I am.
Uh-huh.
And, uh...
And you, you have, uh, you have a problem?
I'd say we have quite a big problem here, sir.
All of us do.
I'd like to know a little bit more about the conspiracy, if you don't mind.
Uh-huh.
I'd like to know who's fixing stupid Petricks.
I'd like to know more about Connie Chung's secret committee of 12.
I'd like to know who really is in the control room.
I'd like to know about the green room.
What happens to all those punk guests?
I'd like to know...
That's exactly the kind of thing I'm talking about.
I thought perhaps it was.
All right.
Oh, my gosh.
Uh...
What is the day today, Paul?
Today, uh, Pearl Harbor Day.
Oh, that's right.
This, that's right.
Traditionally, this is the slowest sales day for Datsuns and Toyotas all over
the United States.
Uh...
But, no, I mean the date.
Is it, what, Wednesday?
The 7th, of course.
The 7th of December.
What day is it?
It's a Wednesday.
Oh, we got a, we got a great show.
Robert Klein is here tonight, and...
By the way, those are very nice socks.
Yeah, I'm, I'm talking to Mr. Conspiracy.
Yes, those are, those are really nice.
Could we just get a, uh...
They look pretty good with the suit there.
Uh, I mentioned Robert Klein is here, a man who's written a fascinating book,
uh, The Rules of Thumb.
His name is Tom Parker, and tonight, this is exciting.
A young lady from, uh, New Mexico, she is 11 years old.
Her name is Tammy Stafford, right here in this studio, will attempt to lift
nearly, nearly 500 pounds.
So...
We're gonna, I think we're just gonna have to bounce, Mr. Conspiracy, because I...
Uh, anyway, and, uh, oh, we're gonna take you on a, uh...
We're going to take you on a tour of, uh, one of New York City's little-known
specialty shops,
and we're also, right now, gonna go talk to our studio audience about, uh,
celebrities they have, uh, run into in the past.
So, uh, wake the kids, phone the neighbors, come on back.
Letter number five, Dave, who do you think you're kidding?
Not me.
The public has a right to know, conspiracy is written all over your face.
We will not rest till it's all out in the open.
Uh, John, this whole conspiracy thing has really been blown way out of
proportion.
The press has been slipshod in its handling of this affair, and, uh, in order
to put this thing to rest, here now is our own late-night conspiracy expert
with a statement.
Take it away, sir.
No.
Good evening.
In recent weeks, I have made certain inflammatory accusations that I now
realize are false.
I was mistaken.
Mr. Letterman, Connie Chung, the NBC network, and its parent company, RCA, are
not involved in any sort of conspiracy.
They are innocent, and I have recklessly slandered their good names.
I make this statement of my own free will without any coercion or outside
influence.
Okay, we got it.
Take them downstairs.
Hey, how'd I do, fellas?
Have either of you seen my tie?
Are we going to the kitchen?
Not the manicure again, please.
Not the manicure.
All right.
Yes.
Once again, we've answered our viewer mail.
And let me, let me point something out to you, ladies and gentlemen.
Paul Schaefer, bless his heart, you know, he's not from this country.
But, gosh, we love him, and he tries just as hard, and...
Good night.
Drive safely, everybody.
You know what I found out, uh...
Oh, this is, this must be, we have a new drummer tonight for Steve Jordan.
Excuse me, sir.
You must be the, uh, you must be the new drummer.
You know very well I'm not the new drummer.
Uh, do you have a problem that I could help you with, sir?
I'd say I have a problem.
I'd say everybody in here has a problem.
We'd like to know a little bit more about the conspiracy, if you don't mind.
We'd like to hear more about Connie Chung.
Why don't you tell us about those brunches?
About the midnight staff meetings?
Why don't you...
Tell us what's going on.
What is going on?
So, you see, kind of an unfortunate way to start the new year.
Uh, regular viewers of this program have come to know and love a number of
what we around the office call running jokes or running gags.
Most of you have seen them on the air, or on the commemorative stamps available
at the post office.
Uh, to name a few, the giant doorknob, the car and truck rental song, the housemate
of stadium trash.
Well, tonight marks the end of one of late night's most successful and most
beloved running gags, the conspiracy guy.
Yes, we're all sorry to see it go, but like M.A.S.H. or Mary Tyler Moore, it's
just run its course.
And at this time, I'd like to introduce the three fine young actors who have
performed so brilliantly
in all of these running conspiracy mini dramas.
So, as I introduce them, if they can come out and just take a bow, Joe Toplin
and Sandy Frank as the uniformed goons.
Joe, Sandy, come on up.
Nice job.
Thank you very much.
Thank you, gentlemen.
And as...
And now, as, uh, Mr. Conspiracy himself, Chris Elliott.
Chris, come on up and take a...
Nice job.
Thank you very much.
Jamie, nice job.
Thank you very much.
Jamie, nice job.
Guys.
Look at that.
The folks are on their feet.
You guys, uh, you've done a nice job, a great job, and you've, you've
entertained millions of Americans, and thank you very much.
And we have kind of a surprise for you tonight.
Uh, we have, uh, put together a little, a little videotape retrospective to
share some of the great moments that, uh, we all shared during the run of the,
uh, conspiracy, uh, guy.
So, if you'll watch the, uh, monitors here and take a look at some videotape we've
put together for you.
Uh, yes, uh, sir, what, what can we do for you?
What is your name?
I think you know who I am.
Oh, boy.
We, we have one more special surprise for you guys.
Hal, is the telephone call ready?
Yes, sir.
Okay.
Ladies and gentlemen, on the other end of this telephone is Mercury astronaut
and American hero, Colonel James.
Uh, Colonel Cooper.
Uh, Colonel Cooper, thank you so much for calling.
Good evening, Mr. Letterman.
This is Colonel Gordon Cooper.
Yes, sir.
Uh, it was certainly good of you to take the time to call tonight, uh, Gordon.
Uh, I'm glad to do it, Dave.
I just wanted to say congratulations to you and the three young men who've made
America so proud that they're flying so far.
Well, well, thank you very much.
I've enjoyed exploring the front of us on the other end of this telephone, and
on the other end of this telephone is Mercury astronaut and American hero,
Colonel Gordon Cooper.
Uh, Colonel Cooper, thank you so much for calling.
Good evening, Mr. Letterman.
This is Colonel Gordon Cooper.
Yes, sir.
Uh, it was certainly good of you to take the time to call tonight, uh, Gordon.
Oh, I'm glad to do it, Dave.
I just wanted to say congratulations to you and the three young men who've made
America so proud that they're flying so far.
Well, well, thank you very much.
I've enjoyed exploring the frontiers of space, and your boys are pioneers, too,
so please give me my best.
Well, uh, Gordon, I, I sure, I sure will, and thank you very much for your call.
It was, it was an honor to have you be with us tonight.
Thank you, Dave.
All right.
Good night.
Yeah, that was...
Gentlemen, again, thank you.
Thank you very much on behalf of all America.
Guys, what a moment, huh?
Yeah.
Quite a, quite a night.
We'll be right back with Mr. Joe Theismann, folks.
Thank you.
Thank you.
Thank you.
Thank you.