Name: The Kenny the Gardener Collection
Uploaded: 2016-04-27T04:47:41.000Z
Description: Watch the stand-up comedy video 'The Kenny the Gardener Collection' from Don Giller on Comedy Buff. Published 2016-04-27. Transcript available.

Watch the stand-up comedy video 'The Kenny the Gardener Collection' from Don Giller on Comedy Buff. Published 2016-04-27. Transcript available.

The Kenny the Gardener Collection

Thank you, Paul. Thank you, folks, and welcome back to our program.
Tomorrow on this show, Rick Dukeman, a fine young comedian, will be here,
and also a woman named Catherine Grant, who I believe has been on the show once
before.
Is that right?
Yes.
And she has exotic chickens, doesn't she? Yeah.
Very nice woman from Texas. She will be here to show us some of her chickens,
and also Dick Cavett will be on. So that's tomorrow night.
Well, this is exciting for us. He hasn't been here in quite a while.
Ladies and gentlemen, please welcome Larry Bud Melman.
Nice to see you, Larry. How are you?
Nice to see you, too.
Have you ever seen anything quite this long? Look at that.
No, not really.
Isn't that amazing?
It is.
How long have you been on the show, Larry?
Oh, that's two and a half years.
And I believe during that time there was a period when your personal life was
splashed all over the newspapers, wasn't it?
That's right, Dave. The boss at my day job said I was making too much money on
the show and fired me.
And were you upset by this, Larry?
Oh, a little, Dave. But frankly, I wouldn't have time for that lousy day job
now.
What with personal appearances, photo opportunities, script conferences.
Plus, I'm developing some television projects with Robin Leach.
Oh, that's nice.
Now, Larry, I understand that tonight you're going to be doing a little
something, something a little different.
Oh, that's right.
Tonight, for the first time, I'll be appearing as a different character.
Oh, a different character. Really? You're not going to be Larry Bud anymore?
Oh, that's right, Dave. Tonight, I'll be appearing as Kenny the Gardener.
Kenny the Gardener.
Kenny the Gardener.
And what can you tell us about the character of Kenny the Gardener?
Well, it's kind of hard for me to talk about him. I'd rather just be him.
Uh-huh. So now, does this mean the end of Larry Bud as we know him?
Oh, no. He'll still be around. I just won't be limited to him.
Ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha.
In fact, over the next few months, I'll be trying out several new characters.
Several new characters. Well, that's good.
Uh, and then maybe we'll get to pick one we like and perhaps become a permanent
fix for the show.
All right, now, is there anything we need to develop this any further?
I don't think so.
Okay, you're just going to go backstage?
Yes.
All right, and then the next time we see you, you'll be...
Yeah, right, Dave.
You'll be what?
Kenny the Gardener!
All right, settle down. Settle down.
All right, all...
All right, so we have to give him a couple of seconds to get into costume for
the character Kenny the Gardener.
Tomorrow night, Dick Cavett will be here.
Later on in this show, Apollonia Katera will be here and comedian Larry Miller.
And tomorrow, of course, Catherine Grant with her chickens.
All right, is he ready?
Ladies and gentlemen, for the first time ever on television, please welcome
Kenny the Gardener.
Hiya, hiya, hiya, hiya, Mr. Letterman.
Why, hi there, Kenny. Nice to see you.
Where do you want your Calanchos, Mr. Letterman?
Calanchos, why, I didn't order any Calanchos, Kenny.
What?
I said I didn't order any Calanchos, Kenny.
What?
I said I didn't order any damn Calanchos, Kenny.
What?
All right, fine. Just put them over there by the window, all right?
Okay, if that's what you want, but this will be enough light there.
The light's going to kill them.
Yeah.
I'll tell you what, Kenny, why don't you just forget all about the flowers and
how about a song?
What?
How about a song?
Oh, sure.
Kenny, Kenny the Gardener is here, bringing us plants in good cheer.
When he reels out this god, he'll steal your heart, cause Kenny, Kenny the Gardener
is here.
Bye, Mr. Letterman.
We'll be right back.
In addition to Mary Lou Henner, we have K-Mar, the magician, ladies and
gentlemen.
And also another visit from our good friend, Kenny the Gardener.
Now say hello to our friend, Paul Schaefer, ladies and gentlemen.
Thank you very much.
Boy, well, my favorite character is on tonight, Kenny the Gardener.
I love, you know, what is the average age of your writers?
Kenny the Gardener is, uh, this is his second appearance on the show.
Yes, he's back, Kenny the Gardener.
I think he's fabulous.
And I'm looking forward to seeing him.
I sense here some animosity.
No, absolutely not.
You don't like Kenny the Gardener.
It's just, you know, I don't know.
I think it's the humor of a, of a, of a sort of a different group of people
that I hang with.
I don't know.
No, but I, I think he's a marvelous character.
Now, now, by a different group of people, what exactly do you mean, Paul?
Well, I don't know.
I don't know.
It's just that Kenny the Gardener is, uh, it's conceptual.
It's conceptual stuff.
And I'm, I don't know.
But a different group of people.
It's good for late at night.
Yeah.
I don't stay up too late anymore.
Yeah.
I don't know.
Maybe you're spending too much hanging around a different group of people.
Oh.
Spending too much time with them.
You think so?
I don't know.
Wrong crowd?
I don't know.
I got to hang out with the people who did Kenny the Gardener?
No, you don't.
No, it's, no, it's, no, it's not a, not like it's a prerequisite or anything.
It's just Kenny the Gardener is here.
He's here.
You know, hi there.
Welcome back to the show.
Tomorrow night on this program, Jenny Zink, who trains Santa Claus, and
comedian George
Miller, and also comedian Billy Crystal.
We have two fine comedians on the program tonight.
Mary Lou Henner is here.
And, uh, it's all the free stuff I got just because I have to stay.
No, you don't have to stay.
No, I want to stay.
Is this our first fight?
No, no.
No, I, see, I'm asking you to stay because, uh, Paul here has ruined my
confidence in Kenny
the Gardener, and I thought, well, it may be Mary Lou will stay, and I'm sure
you'll love
Kenny the Gardener.
Okay.
Being a vegetarian.
See the tie-in?
Okay.
Uh, Vegetarian Times, by the way, there's an award-winning $100 meal you can
make for $7,
it says in here.
Mm, lip-smacking good, I'll guess.
Here's the, uh, recipe for delicious gluten pie.
All right, Paul, get ready.
Kenny the Gardener is coming out.
I'm ready.
Um, this will be great.
Don't worry about it.
It's just going to be fine.
Okay, no, no, no.
I'm fine prepared.
I know.
I have my cup, I have my sponge, I have my T-shirt.
The cab's waiting.
We introduced a new character on this show last week, and we received so little
negative
response, that we thought we'd bring him back tonight.
Ladies and gentlemen, Kenny the Gardener.
Hiya, hiya, hiya, Mr. Letterman.
Um, Kenny, I'd like you to meet, uh, Mary Lou Henner.
Hi there.
And of course, you know, uh, you know, Paul Schaefer.
Yes, hi, Paul.
Kenny, nice to see you.
You look good.
Kenny, I, uh, I noticed you have your arm in a cast.
You had an accident, huh?
Thank you.
Uh, why, why is your arm in a cast, Kenny?
I broke it raking leaves.
And, and how can anybody break their arm by raking leaves?
Well, I kept falling out of the tree.
Yeah.
Uh, now, now, now, now, now, Kenny, what, what really happened to your arm?
What?
I said, what, what happened to your arm?
Oh, my dog broke it.
Gee, I, you know, I didn't know he had a dog.
I don't.
Uh, how can Kenny hear me?
Uh, yes, you can't be.
Okay.
I'll have to translate.
Kenny, uh, tell us what happened to your arm.
My dog broke it.
Yeah?
Yeah, I bought a pit bull to guard the place.
To guard the place, and the dog turned on you?
Well, I don't really blame him.
Well, neither do I, but exactly what happened?
Well, I was training him to attack intruders, and I guess he got carried away.
No, that's awful.
No, it's partly my fault, too.
Well, how's that?
Why?
I said, why was it partly your fault, Kenny?
Well, I'd just been making meatloaf, and you know how you knead the meatloaf by
hand,
and you get the meat all over your hands?
Yeah.
Well, he grabbed my arm and his powerful jaws and wouldn't turn me loose.
Yeah.
Kind of a, kind of a rhyme here, isn't it?
Yeah.
Uh, well, what happened then?
Well, fortunately, the mailman happened to come by, and he, gee, I don't know.
He hypnotized him or something.
Hypnotized him?
Well, I think so.
Not only did the dog stop biting my arm, but he stopped smoking, too.
Uh, by the way, what is his name?
Arthur Henderson.
Your dog's name is Arthur Henderson?
No, my mailman.
Well, um, what is your dog's name, Kenny?
Rover.
Let me, let me see that one.
Let me see that one.
Yeah, let me have it.
I never found out, David.
Here it is.
It doesn't say anything about Rover.
It says, I never found out.
There's no, there's no Rover on there.
I never found out.
Where did, uh, so I guess the next time you train a dog, you're going to be
more careful,
aren't you?
Well, I sure will, Dave.
Folks, this just was for fun.
But injuries on the job are no laughing matter.
And they cost American industry millions of dollars in reduced profits.
So remember, safety in the workplace is no accident.
Thank you.
Well, Kenny, we just have a second left.
How about a song?
Kenny, Kenny, the garden is here, bringing us plants in good cheer, when he
wheels out his
car, he'll steal your heart, cause Kenny, Kenny, the garden is here.
So long, Mr. Leiterman.
Thank you.
If you were with us last night, you, you know that, uh, uh, Paul hates Kenny,
the gardener.
Can a person have a feud with a fictional character?
No, no.
You can't, can you?
No, no.
Because you hate him, he's gone.
He'll never be back.
No, no, no, no.
No, he's done.
He's done.
I killed Kenny the gardener.
Speaking of, uh, Johnny Dangerously, tell me about this.
What does the title mean?
What does the name mean?
You're, of course, Johnny.
A gangster with an adverb for a last name.
Mm-hmm.
Which is better than a preposition.
Yes.
Uh-huh.
Um, I play a guy who was, uh, really very much under control on the surface,
underneath.
There's a lot of turmoil going on.
Uh, I play a, a gangster.
It's kind of a satire on the 30s gangster movies.
Um, are we gonna, am I gonna, are they gonna show something?
Do you wanna show something, Michael?
Hey, you know how I am.
I never.
We have some here.
It's up to you, buddy.
We girls?
No, it's not we girls.
Kenny the, Kenny the gardener?
It's, uh, Kenny the gardener.
Kenny the gardener comes in.
No, Kenny the gardener died.
An ugly, uh, commuter train got him.
It was just horrible.
Ooh, I heard he was thrown.
I heard he was pushed.
Yeah, no, I don't know, but Kenny won't be with us anymore.
Uh, but you, uh, no, we have.
Like, we have, uh, we have some.
Coming up in the, uh, next half hour, we'll have the woman from the United
States Customs,
uh, uh, she'll be here.
Her name is Susan Mitchell and show you how those, uh, folks, uh, sneak things
through customs,
uh, or, or not.
They get caught and then they, uh, go to a federal prison in Kansas.
Um, well, they do, don't they?
They go to Leavenworth.
Yeah.
You can't, you can't bring illegal stuff into the country.
You'll do time.
Uh, tomorrow on this program, comedian Jay Leno will be here and film critic
Roger Ebert
will also be here without his, uh, partner, uh, Gene Siskel.
He'll be here by himself.
And, uh, here's something to jot down somewhere.
Saturday, uh, January 26th at, uh, 1130, we will be having our special 90-minute
third
anniversary television program and we're hoping like hell to get an ad in TV
Guide for it.
Keep your fingers crossed.
If everything goes well, we'll get us an ad and we'll be very happy.
Well, you know, Paul, uh, as I was driving into work this morning, I, uh, I got
to thinking,
I wonder, I wonder, uh, what Kenny the Gardener is up to.
You know, I, I actually, I, I miss the little guy.
You miss Kenny the Gardener.
Yeah, I do.
Well, you know, coincidentally, he's here this evening.
I see him, I see him backstage right now.
Kenny the,
I see him.
Paul, why don't you, why don't you go ahead and bring him out here?
Bring him out.
Yeah, Kenny.
Kenny the Gardener is here.
Bringing us plants and good cheer.
When he wheels out his cart, he'll steal your heart.
Cause