Name: Arnold Schwarzenegger on Letterman, June 27, 1984
Uploaded: 2016-04-28T19:01:18.000Z
Description: Watch the stand-up comedy video 'Arnold Schwarzenegger on Letterman, June 27, 1984' from Don Giller on Comedy Buff. Published 2016-04-28. Transcript available.

Watch the stand-up comedy video 'Arnold Schwarzenegger on Letterman, June 27, 1984' from Don Giller on Comedy Buff. Published 2016-04-28. Transcript available.

Thank you very much. Ladies and gentlemen, welcome back to our program.
My next guest was Mr. Olympia seven times, Mr. Universe five times, and Mr.
Goodwrench three times.
He is now making movies as the one and only Conan.
Here is some footage from his latest film, Conan the Destroyer, which opens
nationwide on the 29th of June.
Folks, would you please welcome Arnold Schwarzenegger.
Arnold Schwarzenegger. Nice to meet you. Thank you very much for coming, sir.
Nice to see you. Nice to see you.
Congratulations on the success of these films. They've been doing quite well,
haven't they?
Well, you have to make a living.
Yeah, no, but I mean, the first one was a huge hit, and the second one is out.
Are you going to make a third one? Are these going to go on and on?
Well, they're negotiating right now a deal for the third one because the
reaction of the second one was so great.
You have to put a few sneak previews, and you were very successful.
And I think it's basically because we have a PG rating, and it's very humorous,
the film, and it's much lighter than the first one.
I see. Yeah.
I can go on forever with those movies. I mean, having people like Grace Jones
to work with them.
You know, Grace Jones was here, and we got the impression when she was here
that she was difficult to control on the film.
That's actually putting it nicely.
Oh, well, what exactly happened?
Well, she's a, can you say wild beast? No.
No, it's not nice, but you can say it, sure.
No, I mean, I hate to say that.
Uninhibited.
But, well, first of all, most of the things I cannot say on air that happen
because she's too wild.
No, no, no, wait a minute. Right there, right there.
No, I can't. No, no, no. You can't trick me into it.
No, no, no, I'm not going to trick you into it, but what you understand here is
through the miracle of videotape,
anything that's inappropriate, we can just pull right out.
And I can't count on you.
No, no, no.
All right, can you kind of hint at one thing?
Well, no, first of all, she is uncontrollable, like you just said,
because she will take her six-foot stick that she will use as a weapon in a
movie,
and she will really slug people over the head.
Right.
And so the director went to her after the first hit, after she knocked the
first guy out,
and he was hospitalized for three weeks.
He was actually taken out?
Oh, he was hospitalized, yes.
He said, listen, Grace, the situation with movies is this way.
You pretend that you're hitting, but you don't actually hit somebody over the
head that he passes out.
The guy that passed out was a karate champion of Europe.
He said to me afterwards, he was never hit like this before in his life, and we
just whacked him.
Then the coach came to her, Yamasaki, and he was trying to teach her a move
where she can miss a guy,
just come that close to the eye and miss him.
And so he was standing in front of her, and he says, okay, try it.
And whap, and the coach went out.
She hit him right in the eye.
No.
Oh, yeah, and this is how it went.
She hospitalized probably 12 people.
One guy was standing there in front of her like this.
He was just standing there, and he was getting ready for the hit,
and it did only a second, and the guy went, whoa, and he went down.
I mean, he got caught heavy.
Believe me, he turned wide.
And, you know, this hurts down there, right?
You mean...
Okay.
Now, one thing...
This was with the stick again, right?
This was again with the heavy stick.
Oh, my God.
And so the guy was hit by the stick.
No.
How is that?
He was hit with the stick.
Well, never mind what he was hit.
But now, she'll never work again, will you?
You can't come in and start killing stunt people like that.
You know something?
In movies, it doesn't matter if you kill people,
because if you're hot on a screen, that's what counts.
And she's so hot on a screen, she sizzles off that screen,
and she will be hired over and over again,
because she's a hot item right now, you know?
And she's wild.
And she'll never get here and Sarah Douglas together,
because that's deadly.
Yeah.
It was a lot of fun, though, other than the casualties.
It was a lot of fun.
Yeah.
Can you believe the first day we were shooting down in Mexico,
we had the press come around every day
to take photographs of us in Juarez,
where we stayed at the hotel.
And this one friend of mine, he got so upset about it
that there was this woman over there with a long lens and shooting,
and all of a sudden he got up and he pulled his pants down.
They wanted to throw out the whole set,
I mean, everybody from the production,
because they say, I mean, I haven't double-checked it,
but they say that it is against the law in Mexico
to run around naked.
I mean, can you believe that?
I mean, all he showed was his behind.
How backward can those people get?
That's right.
Very conservative.
That's why they have so many babies.
Well, of course you can't.
Well, that's, we are lucky you folks are not in jail
after all of that nonsense.
We almost got into jail.
Really?
Yes.
Because of this little episode?
Because of this little episode.
Well, there was a lot of things.
It just got too much for the Mexican people altogether.
But I hope that you can join us on our Conan No. 3.
Oh, I'd love a part two.
I mean, everything you've told me has just kind of whetted my appetite.
Exactly right, yes.
No, you could play a great wizard.
Now, when you were a kid, when you were still living in, you were born in
Austria, right?
Yes.
And you spent your teenage years in Austria or Germany?
In Austria.
In Austria.
And you went around looking for fights.
Is that true?
Sometimes.
Yeah.
Now, why would you want to do that?
Well, it's just sometimes fun to see what's going on out there.
But, you know, you grow out of the stages very quickly, and you then fight and
wrestle with other things.
Did you win most of your fights?
I tried to, yes.
Was this before you started bodybuilding?
No, no.
This was during, and it was, I mean, do we have to talk about this here?
Oh, this is coming out.
All of this is coming out.
I heard that you have 45 million people watching this show, and I don't want
everybody to know all those little secrets there.
But, no, but see, it's okay for you to say if that was a period of your life,
but you don't do that anymore, do you?
When was the last time you were in a fight?
Oh, it was a few years ago.
Yeah.
So you don't really do that anymore.
No, I won.
I wrestled her to the ground.
It was always...
Thank you.
So I finally let her out.
Remember that?
Banging on the door all night, so I got up and let her out.
Well, um...
Now, I forgot what I was going to ask you.
What were we talking about?
Well, now, I know, when you go out in public, especially after you won all of
those titles,
did people ever want to try you?
You know, think, oh, here's Mr. Olympia, big time, let's see what he can do.
No, never.
That never happened.
I think that, like I said, in America, the people are much more peaceful than
in Germany.
In Germany, they sometimes get rowdy in a beer horse and so on, and they want
the big fights,
and when you get drunk, you want the big fights and stuff like that.
But here in America, things are much more peaceful.
They just kill you with a gun or something like that, but they don't pick
fights necessarily.
Let me...
I know we're running out of time, Arnold, but I know something special happened
in your life
not too long ago.
You became an American citizen, didn't you?
Yes.
Thank God.
Now, what is the procedure for that?
Well, you have to get first a green card, and then you have to wait for a few
years,
and then you can apply for the citizenship, and then you have to take a test.
Take a test.
And then you have to go through all kinds of different things.
Now, are these books that you studied, Arnold, for the test?
Yes, yeah, American Way of Life.
Our American Way of Life, Our United States.
Wait a minute, Deep Throat Three?
Oh, stop it.
Wait a minute, his name is Linda.
Our government.
Okay, yeah, it was similar books.
Well, it was similar books, but I think maybe you should read through those and
then...
Now, you took it six weeks ago, and I'm guessing you probably crammed for it.
Six weeks ago.
How long ago did you take it?
You're talking about six months ago.
Six months ago.
Well, all right, now I prove my point here even better.
Six months ago, you crammed for the test.
I'm guessing you probably forgot all of that information.
Everything you can forget, yes.
Let me ask you a question.
Let me ask you a question.
Let me ask you a question.
Let me ask you a question.
What I wanted to ask you is, tell me a little bit about the responsibilities of
the President
of the United States.
What are his responsibilities?
He always has to be neatly groomed, and he can't date cheerleaders, and he
should clean up his plate.
Now, let me...
And what was the last decision that the Supreme Court handed down that was very
important to this country?
Henderson versus Millikan, 1968.
Wait a minute.
Wait a minute.
Now, let me ask you...
Wait a minute.
Come on.
Settle down.
We'll get Grace out here with her stick, Arnold.
Good.
Okay.
Okay.
When was George Washington inaugurated?
George Washington was inaugurated on a very hot summer day.
No.
April 30th, you must know the year.
Come on now.
I mean, this is a very simple test.
You should get a little bit...
1789.
You should get a little bit more difficult.
When did the U.S. get the Louisiana Territory?
You tell me.
Go ahead.
1803.
Now, these are tough questions.
I wouldn't have known that.
Let me see if we can get...
Let's just answer.
Oh, here's one.
Here's one.
This one you ought to be able to answer.
Name the three branches of government.
The executive branch.
Right?
That's right.
The local branch.
No, no.
The executive branch.
And the...
Judiciary branch.
Yeah.
And...
Congress.
The Congress and Senate.
The legislative branch.
What do we have for him, Bill?
A brand new time!
I'm sorry to do that.
We thought that...
No, no.
This was very much fun.
Well, congratulations.
I love this kind of thing.
All right.
The movie is opening nationwide.
June 29th.
Conan the Destroyer.
Good luck with it.
I'm sure it'll do quite well.
Thank you very much.
Nice meeting you.
Thank you.
Arnold Schwarzenegger.
Thank you.
Thank you.
Thank you.
We'll be back here with Larry Miller.
Thank you.
Here.
Right.