Name: Viewer Mail on Letterman, June 13, 1985
Uploaded: 2016-05-03T20:24:55.000Z
Description: Watch the stand-up comedy video 'Viewer Mail on Letterman, June 13, 1985' from Don Giller on Comedy Buff. Published 2016-05-03. Transcript available.

Watch the stand-up comedy video 'Viewer Mail on Letterman, June 13, 1985' from Don Giller on Comedy Buff. Published 2016-05-03. Transcript available.

Herschel Walker last week, a star running back for the New Jersey Generals, it
sounds dumb already.
He set a rushing record for the USFL, 2,179 yards.
2,100, well now it says two different figures.
I'm sorry.
I don't know, my heart's not in it.
Take it off, we'll come back to that.
Interesting thing happened today, yesterday, an official at the American
University in Beirut.
Now, he and his son were flying, and they were hijacked twice.
First off, they were flying from Beirut to Atlanta, a very popular commuter run.
It's the Beirut to Atlanta shuttle.
They fly over there to get Ted Turner's cable magazine, and then they fly back
to Beirut.
Anyway, so this one is hijacked.
Okay, no problem, I guess.
They get on another plane.
This time, they're going from Beirut to Cyprus.
Again, it's hijacked.
Okay, so they finally get to where they're going, and tonight, they're on their
way back from Florida,
which means by now they should be arriving in Havana, and...
You know what's happening, I'm losing the will to live.
I can't say that.
Don't give up, though.
Don't give up?
It's early.
The idea is to sell.
That's right.
It's to sell the material.
That's right.
So go out there and hit him with this last joke.
Okay, okay.
Indian Prime Minister Rajiv Gandhi is visiting in Washington, talking to
President Reagan and some folks,
and during one of the talks, Mr. Gandhi asked Reagan if we could help upgrade
Indian military technology.
Reagan said, of course.
So he's sending them the Walker family.
See, you're confused.
You think I'm talking about Herschel Walker and his family.
You know, ladies and gentlemen, I'm not worried because in the audience tonight,
we have circus people.
They're right up there.
He works for the circus.
Paul Schaefer, ladies and gentlemen.
Mr. Paul.
Thank you very much.
Thank you very much.
A woman actually works in the circus.
She's from Peru, Indiana, and you worked on a trapeze.
For ten years, and now you teach people at a circus camp.
Right?
At a performing arts camp.
And they will one day join the circus and live in trailers the rest of their
lives.
No, no.
But aren't circus people the best people in the world?
Yeah.
And they're well-groomed, aren't they?
Nobody with tattoos, nobody missing a thumb.
They're just...
They're just...
It's, uh...
Viewer mail night, ladies and gentlemen.
Let me tell you a little something about...
More people watch this television program on Thursday nights than have watched
60 Minutes in the last 10 weeks.
Letter number one.
These are actual letters from actual viewers from all over the United States.
And, uh, let's begin with them.
Dear Dave, it's a festival.
If you were hit by a truck of some sort, would Paul Schaefer be our new late-night
host?
Please elaborate.
Max Ophel's, Raleigh, North Carolina.
Uh, no, Max.
If I were hit by a truck, Bill Wendell, our announcer, would replace me.
In fact, here, let me show you the line of succession regarding collision-related
accidents.
Okay.
Here we have the two columns, hit by and replaced by.
Uh, Paul will take over if I'm hit by a golf cart.
Uh, Willie, our bass player, takes over if I'm hit by a station wagon.
Dr. Art Uleen, if I'm run down by a thresher or any farm equipment.
Then we have the Jeep, Abe Vigoda, flatbed truck, Mookie Wilson, tractor, uh,
Ben Jarin,
and the circus trailer, oddly enough, Lucille Ball.
Excuse me, Dave.
So there you go, that's from Max Ophels in Raleigh, North Carolina.
Something, Dave.
Yes, Paul.
Max Ophels.
Max Ophels.
Something strange.
Didn't, didn't he the guy who directed The Sorrow and the Pity?
Uh, that was his son, uh, Marcel Ophels.
Max Ophels directed Der Verkauf der Brade und die Verliebte Firma.
Ah, yeah.
Yeah.
I always get those two confused.
Thanks for, uh, straightening that out.
Well, here's, here's how I, I remember them and how I tell them apart.
Max Ophels died in 1957.
Ah.
Yeah.
Yeah.
We don't know what it means.
No.
How?
Oh, man.
That was Howard, that was Howard Vanitsky and he was stunned by the news that
Max Ophels
passed in 1957, so, uh, we're all right now, aren't we, Hal?
Yes, we're back, uh, right.
That's our director, ladies and gentlemen, Mr. Hal Gertner.
Give me, David.
Great.
Thank you.
Two E's.
Two E's, we know, Hal.
Thank you.
Letter number two begins, dear David, are you and Kevin, the cue card holder,
that's Kevin
K, the man who operates our cue cards for us, are you two good friends or are
you a fake
Mr. Nice Guy?
You seem sincere, but would you be seen with him in public?
A friend, depending on your answers, Charles Seacrest, Tulsa, Oklahoma.
Charles, frankly, I'm quite hurt that you would accuse me of being a fake Mr.
Nice Guy.
Of course, I'd be happy to be seen in public with Kevin.
In fact, here's a picture of, uh, this was a couple of weeks ago, wasn't it,
Kevin?
We went out to Yankee Stadium, took in a ball game.
So, as you see, we go a lot of places together.
We had a very nice time, Kevin and myself.
You know, in some countries, there is a shortage of blue cards, but here in the
United States,
we just waste them.
Look at this.
Letter number three.
Dear Dave, why don't you save some money for NBC, fire the cue card guy, and
use a teleprompter instead.
Cheaply yours, Jeff Fitzsimmons, Redlands, California.
You know, that's not actually, that's not too bad an idea.
Well, Jeff, that's the most asinine suggestion I've ever received.
I would never fire the cue card guy.
In fact, I'm going to give him a big raise in the future.
Kindly keep your oafish opinions to yourself.
Ladies and gentlemen, I've just been informed from the control room that
apparently Kevin K., our cue card man,
is the first staff member in three years on this show to be featured in two
viewer mail letters in the same night.
So you see, it really is a festival.
Uh, where are we now?
Letter number 19, I believe.
We're just about ready for number 19 here.
Uh, dear Dave, I think the most sensible way to shave your neck is by shaving
upwards.
Hmm.
My brother disagrees, instead favoring downward strokes.
I can't go to my dad about this as he uses an electric razor.
Please help settle this dispute.
A steak dinner is riding on the outcome.
Brian Grady, Lincolnshire, Illinois.
You know, uh, Brian, this is one of those topics that I've never really given
much thought to,
but, uh, when we got your letter, we thought we would conduct a little
experiment tonight
using our own Al Frisch.
Ladies and gentlemen, studio technician.
Yeah, sure.
So that's up.
Up?
Yeah, up.
Okay.
Down.
Down.
Down.
All right.
Al, Al, can I get you a little piece of toilet paper?
Uh, uh, well, Brian, uh, it looks like up would be the way to go to that, uh,
thank you very
much, Al.
Thanks for your help.
Don't mention it, though.
Yeah.
Okay.
And, uh, we'll, uh, that's it.
Are we done?
Okay.
Uh, we have a wonderful show.
Let me tell you who's here.
Susan St. James, a lovely and talented actress.
I'll just pat on a little skin bracer.
It looks like the front page of any New York Post, doesn't it?
Uh, also on the show tonight, uh, a very nice young man and a very, uh, fine
young actor,
Mr. Emilio Estevez, will be here.
And, uh, we'll have Jane Gully as he brought up some eagles.
And also, tonight, we're going to drop some more stuff off the five-story tower.
So, come on back.
Thank you.