Name: The Great Typing Controversy on Letterman, January 24 and 28, 1985
Uploaded: 2016-05-06T20:29:53.000Z
Description: Watch the stand-up comedy video 'The Great Typing Controversy on Letterman, January 24 and 28, 1985' from Don Giller on Comedy Buff. Published 2016-05-06. Transcript available.

Watch the stand-up comedy video 'The Great Typing Controversy on Letterman, January 24 and 28, 1985' from Don Giller on Comedy Buff. Published 2016-05-06. Transcript available.

Welcome back to the program, folks.
Coming up in this half hour, Rich Hall will be here,
and in a couple of minutes I'm going to introduce you to Barbara Blackburn,
who, as you know, is the world's fastest typist.
Now, okay, now it's time.
This woman was supposed to be here earlier in the week.
We ran out of time, and I'm very happy that she could stick around and come
back and see us.
She is a grandmother.
She is all the way from Salem, Oregon.
And this woman is the fastest typist in the entire world.
Please welcome Barbara Blackburn.
Good to meet you.
Come on over here and sit down.
Go right around there.
Fastest typist, how fast is that?
First of all, tell me, what's a good average typing speed?
Oh, a good average typing speed should be around 75, 100 words a minute maybe.
Wow, that's blistering right along.
Well, you can go down to as low as 60 if you want to.
But 60 would still be considered?
That's right.
So a person could get a job with 60 words a minute.
That is your average job speed, yes.
All right.
And tell us, what is your best word per minute ratio?
I have typed 170 words a minute on minute timings.
I have gotten up to 200 on computers.
No kidding.
200 words a minute.
Now, you said minute timings.
How long can you sustain at a speed like 170?
Sustain typing, I've done 150 for 50 minutes, which is 37,500 word strokes, so
the Guinness book says.
So for 50 minutes, you go along at that rate.
Now, what about accuracy?
Accuracy is one of the things that I strive to have all the time.
I don't like making mistakes.
Do you ever make mistakes?
Well, I'm not perfect.
Yeah.
Now, how do you know you're the world's fastest?
This is not an Olympic event.
No.
Did you go to L.A. and compete again?
You know, the Russians weren't in L.A., Barbara.
I know they weren't, and I wasn't in Russia either.
All right.
So how do you know you're the world's fastest?
The Guinness book has made the comment that I am the fastest on the Dvorak
keyboard.
I don't know what that means.
Well, it's a different typewriter keyboard.
It's different due to the fact that the keys are rearranged.
Now, somebody was explaining to me that the original typing system was laid out
just arbitrarily.
That's right.
And the system you're talking about was there was some thought into what
letters you use more often than other letters.
That is correct.
It was scientifically developed by Dr. August Dvorak way back in 1932.
I love his work.
I'm sure you would.
Now, Barbara, tell me if this is the correct statistic, that in the traditional
method,
your fingers move the distance they travel in a day of typing is like 15 miles?
That is correct.
That's what they have run some studies on and have found to be true.
Yeah.
And with this system, your fingers travel the distance?
About a mile.
About a mile.
All right.
I guess, are we ready to do this?
We have a challenge for you, Barbara.
That's what I understand.
Yeah.
Should we go over there?
Now, come on over here, Barbara.
Let's set this up.
Now, when you're taking, do you make extra money because you're so fast at this?
No.
Not really.
No kidding?
No.
Boy, that stinks.
No.
Tell me about it.
All right.
Now, do you take dictation off of a printed page or through your ears?
I take it through my ears.
Yeah.
Now, do you understand what's going on?
Do you comprehend what's going on?
Or do you just type it?
You have to understand it in order to be accurate and correct.
So you know everything that you type?
Basically, yes.
Okay.
All right.
I'll tell you what we're going to do.
Let me bring out Barbara, the world's fastest typist, is going to go up against
the fastest
typist we have on our staff.
Ladies and gentlemen, the hardest working production system in American
television.
Say hello to Barbara Gaines.
Barbara, come on out here.
Let me help you with that typewriter, Barbara.
This is Barbara's first time on our show, and we're happy you decided to help
us.
Now, how fast can you type a minute, Barbara?
I'm really nervous.
I probably won't be able to type it.
But what's your best time?
85.
85.
Those are huge buttons you have on your sweater.
Okay, Barbara Blackburn, Barbara Gaines.
Hi.
Ladies.
Now, she's one of our guests.
Be a little more hospitable.
Nice to meet you.
Nice to meet you.
She came to us all the way from Salem, Oregon.
All right.
Here's what we would like you ladies to type.
For one minute, we'll have a clock on the screen.
And from the official baseball rules, 1984 edition, they will be typing tonight,
section 8.05, the
balk rule.
Ladies, are you ready?
On your mark, begin typing.
One minute here.
Starting out with the balk rule.
They have it in front of them.
They have it in front of them.
They have it in front of them.
They have it in front of them.
They have it in front of them.
They have it in front of them.
They have it in front of them.
They have it in front of them.
They have it in front of them.
They have it in front of them.
They have it in front of them.
They have it in front of them.
They have it in front of them.
They have it in front of them.
They have it in front of them.
They have it in front of them.
They have it in front of them.
They have it in front of them.
They have it in front of them.
They have it in front of them.
They have it in front of them.
They have it in front of them.
They have it in front of them.
They have it in front of them.
They have it in front of them.
They have it in front of them.
They have it in front of them.
They have it in front of them.
They have it in front of them.
They have it in front of them.
They have it in front of them.
They have it in front of them.
They have it in front of them.
They have it in front of them.
They have it in front of them.
They have it in front of them.
They have it in front of them.
They have it in front of them.
They have it in front of them.
They have it in front of them.
They have it in front of them.
They have it in front of them.
They have it in front of them.
They have it in front of them.
They have it in front of them.
They have it in front of them.
They have it in front of them.
They have it in front of them.
They have it in front of them.
They have it in front of them.
They have it in front of them.
They have it in front of them.
They have it in front of them.
They have it in front of them.
They have it in front of them.
They have it in front of them.
They have it in front of them.
They have it in front of them.
They have it in front of them.
They have it in front of them.
They have it in front of them.
They have it in front of them.
They have it in front of them.
They have it in front of them.
Okay, here we go again.
Ladies, begin typing.
A little paper.
That's just a darnedest thing.
Yeah.
Nope.
Yeah.
I'm sorry.
Is that a colon or a semicolon?
I don't know.
I don't know.
I don't know.
I don't know.
I don't know.
I don't know.
I don't know.
I don't know.
I don't know.
I don't know.
I don't know.
I don't know.
I don't know.
I don't know.
I don't know.
I don't know.
I don't know.
I don't know.
I don't know.
I don't know.
I don't know.
I don't know.
I don't know.
All right.
We have a half a minute left.
And the winner receives the lovely dinette set.
84 edition of the official baseball rules.
All right.
Five seconds remaining.
Four.
Three.
Two.
One.
That's it.
Okay.
All right.
Tell you what, ladies.
Come on over here.
We'll do a commercial.
Then we'll take a look at the results.
Come on over here, folks.
Okay.
It didn't -- something very strange has happened.
Barbara Gaines, our own production assistant, did a very nice job.
I'm not sure how many words exactly, but she acquitted herself quite admirably.
Barbara, nice job.
Thank you very much.
Now --
Barbara, figure out how many words you got there in a minute.
Now, Barbara Blackburn, something happened here through no fault of your own.
I guess we get bum equipment or something.
Let me just read the first sentence.
Telly, I, a Lucille, a Lucille.
Oh, Lucille.
In, I, a Mock Vets.
Knit Pintrell, Vitneristic T-plane.
Now, what exactly happened there?
We screwed something up.
I don't know.
Something happened to the typewriter while it was here, because --
You know, this smacks of organized crime, if you ask me about it.
I think it does.
I think it does.
I think it does.
No, but in all fairness to you, apparently we had the wrong ball on your
machine.
Something, yeah.
Something has happened.
All right.
It was all right when I was supposed to be here last night.
We'll, we'll, we'll get it fixed and you come back.
But for right now, Barbara Gaines is the world's fastest driver.
Barbara, thank you very much.
I'm sorry about the trouble.
We'll come back and do it again.
We'll do it.
We'll do it again.
We'll be right back, ladies and gentlemen, to the phone with the boys.
Okay, let me just quickly recap this.
Using the standard system, Barbara had 50 words a minute and about a dozen
errors.
And Barbara was using the other system.
I don't know what went wrong, but we'll figure it out now.
I'm sorry, we're almost out of time.
I want to apologize.
Rich Hall will be rescheduled.
I'm very sorry we ran out of time for him because of this typing nonsense.
And it looks like someone may have taken a dive.
We'll get into this next week.
Good night, everybody.
Oh, and if you were with us on Thursday night, you know that we had the world's
fastest typist on our show.
This woman, her name is Barbara Blackburn.
And she can type 220 words a minute.
And she was out here for a little typing demonstration and all hell broke loose.
So we've launched our own little investigation into that.
But in the meantime, please say hello to our good friend Paul Schaefer.
All right, let's spend a minute here talking about what happened on Thursday
night.
We had a very nice woman.
Her name is Barbara Blackburn.
She is the world's fastest typist.
In fact, she has entered here in the Guinness Book of World Records.
She attains a speed of 170 words per minute using the Dvorak simplified
keyboard system and a couple of other records right here.
So we thought it would be fun to have her on the show and have her go head to
head in a typing competition with our fastest typist, who happens to be Barbara
Gaines, one of our production assistants.
And they were going to type from the official baseball rules book.
I think the balk rule was what they were going to type.
Okay, so she came out and we started the competition.
Take a look at this videotape.
And I think you'll see this was the first place in the competition we noticed
something was not quite right.
Okay, see, she didn't put any paper in the machine, and we thought, well, this
is kind of strange for a woman who can type 170 words a minute.
So we had her reload her machine, and then we started the competition once
again, and here's what happened at the restart.
Remember, they're typing the balk rule, section 8.05, 1984 edition of the
official baseball rules.
I don't know if you can see it there frozen, but what she was typing was
complete illegible gibberish.
Now, we asked her about it, and here's Barbara's explanation for why what she
typed was unreadable.
Barbara Blackburn, something happened here through no fault of your own.
I guess we got bomb equipment or something.
Let me just read the first sentence.
Gentili I alusil olusil.
N.I. amok vets.
Nit pinteril vitneristic t-plane.
Now, what exactly happened there?
We screwed something up.
I don't know.
Something happened to the typewriter while it was here.
You know, this smacks of organized crime.
Okay, something happened to the typewriter while it was here.
Well, immediately we impounded the samples of the two typing, Barbara Gaines
and Barbara Blackburn.
And so we thought tonight we would find out for ourselves, is she in fact a
world champion typist or a world champion con artist?
We've assembled now a blue ribbon panel.
Let's begin the investigation, shall we?
Gentlemen, how do you do?
First of all, thank you very much for coming in.
This first man to my left is the typewriter repairman.
He is from Manhattan Office Products.
His name is Lenny Daniello.
Am I pronouncing your name correctly, Lenny?
Nice to meet you, Sid.
Now, Lenny, here we have the machine that Barbara typed on.
Now, have you had a chance to take a look at it?
Yeah, I looked at it before.
And is there anything wrong with it?
Not at all.
In your years of repairing typewriters, have you ever seen something
malfunction that would cause it to type gibberish?
Yeah, but in this case, I didn't find it.
I see.
Is it possible that on the night of Thursday, whatever that date was, that
somebody had tampered with the machine and then after the broadcast, untampered
it so that no one would notice that there was a problem?
Not that I could see, no.
And as far as you're concerned, this machine is typing perfectly?
Perfect walking order.
Do you want to demonstrate that for us, Sidney?
Okay.
I can't do it too well, so, you know, I'm not a type of...
Well, the selection is correct.
You can see yourself.
It's a test for a rotate and tilt.
Okay, the rotate and tilt test is just fine.
So, Danny, in a brief sentence, how would you describe the condition of this...
It's a perfect working order.
There's nothing wrong with it.
Perfect working order.
All right.
Thank you very much, Danny.
The next member of our Blue Ribbon Panel is President of Corporate Security
Consultants and former Secretary of the New York State Polygraph Association,
Ted Evenchick.
Ted, nice to meet you, sir.
Ted, before the broadcast, you had a chance to listen to some of what Barbara
was saying on the tape, and I believe you put it to some analysis.
What are the findings?
Yes, we did, David.
And I put it through a stress analyzer, and we came up finding out that there
is a great deal of stress when she's talking about the typewriter itself and
former claims to speak.
And your experience that the stress could indicate possibly what exactly?
Oh, it can indicate anything from the fact that she's completely unfamiliar
with it to the fact that she doesn't understand herself what's happening.
But you're prepared to testify that, in fact, there is some sort of tangential
stress there.
Absolutely.
Great deal of it.
All right.
Now, from the United States Navy, ladies and gentlemen, please say hello to
Lieutenant Arian Kalpaxas.
Lieutenant, nice to meet you, sir.
Thank you very much for being here.
Lieutenant, I understand you took the example of the typing from Barbara Blackburn,
and to the layman, it just appeared to be gibberish, and you did some decoding
on that example.
What did you find there, Lieutenant?
Yes, I have, Dave.
And I've studied this.
And as you'll see, it's a simple substitution cipher.
It reveals the bulk code, as a matter of fact.
Simple substitution cipher meaning what, exactly?
Well, actually, what has happened here is that the typing was done so that each
letter was displaced one to the right on one particular hand.
Oh, I see.
So it's possible, then, that, for example, when I took typing in high school
and just learning, I would inadvertently place my hand in the wrong position on
the keyboard and produce something like that.
That's correct.
As a matter of fact, I have here a diagram of the Vorak keyboard, which is the
one she used.
And as you'll see, all the letters typed with the left hand are as they should
appear correctly.
However, on the right hand, we notice that the discrepancy arises.
It appears that her hand had been displaced one key to the right with the
resulting errors.
Thank you very much, Lieutenant.
I'll tell you what, with this in mind, let's take a look again at that videotape
as they're restarting the typing competition
and see if we can notice any motion or movement of the right hand going from
its original place to the place that the lieutenant suggests.
Remember, look closely at the right hand.
Here now is the videotape.
So, apparently, for whatever reason, the hand moved one notch over.
So, then, summing up briefly here, what is our conclusion?
Well, our conclusion is that certainly the fault does not lie with late night,
the staff, the production crew, the technicians,
or this fine piece of equipment, the IBM Selectric.
So, then, ladies and gentlemen, perhaps the fault lies elsewhere.
Thank you very much.
Thank you very much.
I certainly appreciate you helping us.
Thank you very much.
We'll be right back for Little Steven.
We'll be right back for Little Steven.

The Great Typing Controversy on Letterman, January 24 and 28, 1985

Welcome back to the program, folks.
Coming up in this half hour, Rich Hall will be here,
and in a couple of minutes I'm going to introduce you to Barbara Blackburn,
who, as you know, is the world's fastest typist.
Now, okay, now it's time.
This woman was supposed to be here earlier in the week.
We ran out of time, and I'm very happy that she could stick around and come
back and see us.
She is a grandmother.
She is all the way from Salem, Oregon.
And this woman is the fastest typist in the entire world.
Please welcome Barbara Blackburn.
Good to meet you.
Come on over here and sit down.
Go right around there.
Fastest typist, how fast is that?
First of all, tell me, what's a good average typing speed?
Oh, a good average typing speed should be around 75, 100 words a minute maybe.
Wow, that's blistering right along.
Well, you can go down to as low as 60 if you want to.
But 60 would still be considered?
That's right.
So a person could get a job with 60 words a minute.
That is your average job speed, yes.
All right.
And tell us, what is your best word per minute ratio?
I have typed 170 words a minute on minute timings.
I have gotten up to 200 on computers.
No kidding.
200 words a minute.
Now, you said minute timings.
How long can you sustain at a speed like 170?
Sustain typing, I've done 150 for 50 minutes, which is 37,500 word strokes, so
the Guinness book says.
So for 50 minutes, you go along at that rate.
Now, what about accuracy?
Accuracy is one of the things that I strive to have all the time.
I don't like making mistakes.
Do you ever make mistakes?
Well, I'm not perfect.
Yeah.
Now, how do you know you're the world's fastest?
This is not an Olympic event.
No.
Did you go to L.A. and compete again?
You know, the Russians weren't in L.A., Barbara.
I know they weren't, and I wasn't in Russia either.
All right.
So how do you know you're the world's fastest?
The Guinness book has made the comment that I am the fastest on the Dvorak
keyboard.
I don't know what that means.
Well, it's a different typewriter keyboard.
It's different due to the fact that the keys are rearranged.
Now, somebody was explaining to me that the original typing system was laid out
just arbitrarily.
That's right.
And the system you're talking about was there was some thought into what
letters you use more often than other letters.
That is correct.
It was scientifically developed by Dr. August Dvorak way back in 1932.
I love his work.
I'm sure you would.
Now, Barbara, tell me if this is the correct statistic, that in the traditional
method,
your fingers move the distance they travel in a day of typing is like 15 miles?
That is correct.
That's what they have run some studies on and have found to be true.
Yeah.
And with this system, your fingers travel the distance?
About a mile.
About a mile.
All right.
I guess, are we ready to do this?
We have a challenge for you, Barbara.
That's what I understand.
Yeah.
Should we go over there?
Now, come on over here, Barbara.
Let's set this up.
Now, when you're taking, do you make extra money because you're so fast at this?
No.
Not really.
No kidding?
No.
Boy, that stinks.
No.
Tell me about it.
All right.
Now, do you take dictation off of a printed page or through your ears?
I take it through my ears.
Yeah.
Now, do you understand what's going on?
Do you comprehend what's going on?
Or do you just type it?
You have to understand it in order to be accurate and correct.
So you know everything that you type?
Basically, yes.
Okay.
All right.
I'll tell you what we're going to do.
Let me bring out Barbara, the world's fastest typist, is going to go up against
the fastest
typist we have on our staff.
Ladies and gentlemen, the hardest working production system in American
television.
Say hello to Barbara Gaines.
Barbara, come on out here.
Let me help you with that typewriter, Barbara.
This is Barbara's first time on our show, and we're happy you decided to help
us.
Now, how fast can you type a minute, Barbara?
I'm really nervous.
I probably won't be able to type it.
But what's your best time?
85.
85.
Those are huge buttons you have on your sweater.
Okay, Barbara Blackburn, Barbara Gaines.
Hi.
Ladies.
Now, she's one of our guests.
Be a little more hospitable.
Nice to meet you.
Nice to meet you.
She came to us all the way from Salem, Oregon.
All right.
Here's what we would like you ladies to type.
For one minute, we'll have a clock on the screen.
And from the official baseball rules, 1984 edition, they will be typing tonight,
section 8.05, the
balk rule.
Ladies, are you ready?
On your mark, begin typing.
One minute here.
Starting out with the balk rule.
They have it in front of them.
They have it in front of them.
They have it in front of them.
They have it in front of them.
They have it in front of them.
They have it in front of them.
They have it in front of them.
They have it in front of them.
They have it in front of them.
They have it in front of them.
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They have it in front of them.
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They have it in front of them.
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They have it in front of them.
They have it in front of them.
They have it in front of them.
They have it in front of them.
They have it in front of them.
Okay, here we go again.
Ladies, begin typing.
A little paper.
That's just a darnedest thing.
Yeah.
Nope.
Yeah.
I'm sorry.
Is that a colon or a semicolon?
I don't know.
I don't know.
I don't know.
I don't know.
I don't know.
I don't know.
I don't know.
I don't know.
I don't know.
I don't know.
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I don't know.
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I don't know.
I don't know.
I don't know.
I don't know.
I don't know.
I don't know.
I don't know.
I don't know.
I don't know.
All right.
We have a half a minute left.
And the winner receives the lovely dinette set.
84 edition of the official baseball rules.
All right.
Five seconds remaining.
Four.
Three.
Two.
One.
That's it.
Okay.
All right.
Tell you what, ladies.
Come on over here.
We'll do a commercial.
Then we'll take a look at the results.
Come on over here, folks.
Okay.
It didn't -- something very strange has happened.
Barbara Gaines, our own production assistant, did a very nice job.
I'm not sure how many words exactly, but she acquitted herself quite admirably.
Barbara, nice job.
Thank you very much.
Now --
Barbara, figure out how many words you got there in a minute.
Now, Barbara Blackburn, something happened here through no fault of your own.
I guess we get bum equipment or something.
Let me just read the first sentence.
Telly, I, a Lucille, a Lucille.
Oh, Lucille.
In, I, a Mock Vets.
Knit Pintrell, Vitneristic T-plane.
Now, what exactly happened there?
We screwed something up.
I don't know.
Something happened to the typewriter while it was here, because --
You know, this smacks of organized crime, if you ask me about it.
I think it does.
I think it does.
I think it does.
No, but in all fairness to you, apparently we had the wrong ball on your
machine.
Something, yeah.
Something has happened.
All right.
It was all right when I was supposed to be here last night.
We'll, we'll, we'll get it fixed and you come back.
But for right now, Barbara Gaines is the world's fastest driver.
Barbara, thank you very much.
I'm sorry about the trouble.
We'll come back and do it again.
We'll do it.
We'll do it again.
We'll be right back, ladies and gentlemen, to the phone with the boys.
Okay, let me just quickly recap this.
Using the standard system, Barbara had 50 words a minute and about a dozen
errors.
And Barbara was using the other system.
I don't know what went wrong, but we'll figure it out now.
I'm sorry, we're almost out of time.
I want to apologize.
Rich Hall will be rescheduled.
I'm very sorry we ran out of time for him because of this typing nonsense.
And it looks like someone may have taken a dive.
We'll get into this next week.
Good night, everybody.
Oh, and if you were with us on Thursday night, you know that we had the world's
fastest typist on our show.
This woman, her name is Barbara Blackburn.
And she can type 220 words a minute.
And she was out here for a little typing demonstration and all hell broke loose.
So we've launched our own little investigation into that.
But in the meantime, please say hello to our good friend Paul Schaefer.
All right, let's spend a minute here talking about what happened on Thursday
night.
We had a very nice woman.
Her name is Barbara Blackburn.
She is the world's fastest typist.
In fact, she has entered here in the Guinness Book of World Records.
She attains a speed of 170 words per minute using the Dvorak simplified
keyboard system and a couple of other records right here.
So we thought it would be fun to have her on the show and have her go head to
head in a typing competition with our fastest typist, who happens to be Barbara
Gaines, one of our production assistants.
And they were going to type from the official baseball rules book.
I think the balk rule was what they were going to type.
Okay, so she came out and we started the competition.
Take a look at this videotape.
And I think you'll see this was the first place in the competition we noticed
something was not quite right.
Okay, see, she didn't put any paper in the machine, and we thought, well, this
is kind of strange for a woman who can type 170 words a minute.
So we had her reload her machine, and then we started the competition once
again, and here's what happened at the restart.
Remember, they're typing the balk rule, section 8.05, 1984 edition of the
official baseball rules.
I don't know if you can see it there frozen, but what she was typing was
complete illegible gibberish.
Now, we asked her about it, and here's Barbara's explanation for why what she
typed was unreadable.
Barbara Blackburn, something happened here through no fault of your own.
I guess we got bomb equipment or something.
Let me just read the first sentence.
Gentili I alusil olusil.
N.I. amok vets.
Nit pinteril vitneristic t-plane.
Now, what exactly happened there?
We screwed something up.
I don't know.
Something happened to the typewriter while it was here.
You know, this smacks of organized crime.
Okay, something happened to the typewriter while it was here.
Well, immediately we impounded the samples of the two typing, Barbara Gaines
and Barbara Blackburn.
And so we thought tonight we would find out for ourselves, is she in fact a
world champion typist or a world champion con artist?
We've assembled now a blue ribbon panel.
Let's begin the investigation, shall we?
Gentlemen, how do you do?
First of all, thank you very much for coming in.
This first man to my left is the typew