Name: Viewer Mail with Mark Hamill on Letterman, April 19, 1984
Uploaded: 2016-05-08T00:21:01.000Z
Description: Watch the stand-up comedy video 'Viewer Mail with Mark Hamill on Letterman, April 19, 1984' from Don Giller on Comedy Buff. Published 2016-05-08. Transcript available.

Watch the stand-up comedy video 'Viewer Mail with Mark Hamill on Letterman, April 19, 1984' from Don Giller on Comedy Buff. Published 2016-05-08. Transcript available.

All right. Well, you know what it is. My gosh, I'm so excited. I nearly forgot
what tonight is. Tonight is Thursday night. Every Thursday night, we answer our
voluminous viewer mail. And tonight is certainly no exception. Let's get right
to the first letter. By the way, thanks to everybody who over the years has
taken the trouble to write us a letter. We certainly appreciate it.
This one comes to us from Mechanicsville, Iowa. And the man's name is Tommy
Hamilton. Tommy writes,
Dear Letterman, while watching your recent custom-made show, our cat died. Good
old poo-poo dropped dead right in front of the TV set. We all know where the
blame lies. I hope you're happy.
And again, from Mechanicsville, Iowa, Tommy Hamilton. Tommy, of course, we're
all very sorry, but sometimes these things happen.
I know there's nothing I can do that would bring your cat back, but I do have a
little something here
that might help raise your spirits.
There's a little something here.
Somebody, somebody let this cat into the box again. Can you come out here?
Jimmy, can you come out and get this cat out here?
Oh, there you are, Tommy. Thanks.
Yeah, it crawled in there again. I'm awfully sorry.
Okay, Tommy, anyway,
what I'm going to do for you,
I'm going to send you
30 American
dollars. There you go. We'll put this in the mail.
Do me a favor. Buy yourself a bottle
of something really nice, okay?
30.
Put this back in the NBC vault.
Make this up to sales.
Letter number two.
Dear Dave,
Paul and the band,
when Paul and the band play,
do you ever just get up and dance?
I know I do.
Your pal who knows how to get down.
Mm-hmm.
Don't you get the feeling that somebody who actually says,
who knows how to get down,
really has no idea how to?
Anyway, it comes to us from Andrew Sachs,
Penn Valley, Pennsylvania.
Well, Andrew, I do remember one time
when I really did kind of get carried away
while Paul and the band were playing,
and I believe we have a few moments of that on videotape,
so watch closely, won't you?
Well, when we come back,
Mark Robosky will be here,
and we'll also be talking with the world's fattest bellboy.
So, come on back.
Letter number three.
Dear sirs.
Letter number three begins,
Please send me an application for tickets to your program.
I understand there is a waiting list.
This is true.
We have a lengthy waiting list.
What is it?
A couple of decades.
We have a waiting list,
so please send it as soon as possible.
Sincerely, Paul Dwyer,
asking for an application for tickets
from Levittown, New York.
Okay, Paul,
I am going to send you
our standard ticket application form.
Now, be sure to fill it out completely.
Let's, uh...
We can get a closer look.
Question number one.
Do you have a comprehensive insurance plan?
Are you bothered by the smell of rotting fruit?
Do you plan on transporting livestock?
Have you ever been audited?
This is important.
Number five.
Have you ever at any time attempted to alter
the results of a professional sporting event?
And so on and so forth.
So we'll, uh...
We'll get this in the mail.
Along with $35 in cash.
All right.
Letter number four.
Uh...
Dear Dave,
What is the date today, Paul?
The date today?
The information is coming through to me now.
The 19th.
The 19th of April.
This is like, uh,
Kreskin we have here.
We didn't arrange anything before the show,
did we?
We've never met, have we?
We've never met before.
What is it?
The 19th?
Yeah.
The 8th of April.
Is it?
Boy, April is just about gone, isn't it?
When April sounds.
Dear Dave,
letter number four begins
last Thursday the 22nd.
You had Liberace on.
Oh, that's right.
And you cracked an egg with one hand.
If possible,
could you show how that is done?
A very dedicated viewer from Penna.
Uh, this is an abbreviation
for Pennsylvania, isn't it?
All right.
From Pennsylvania.
Well, uh, you know,
you've touched on a rather important aspect
of our show.
Such tricks, uh,
as this seem quite easy,
but in order to look good on television,
it actually involves a lot of work.
So, to better explain,
here now is a clip from a short documentary
narrated by Mark Hamill,
produced by NBC
in association with Futura Optics,
a division of Eastman Kodak.
Here we go.
One-handed.
Steve.
Okay.
Like much of what you see on Late Night,
this sequence involved a technique
known as Matic.
First, for the close-up shot.
Dave's hand is photographed empty
in front of a blue screen.
Then a positive and a negative printer
made of the same scene.
Next, model technicians film an egg,
also over a blue screen,
and a robot camera simulates
the exact movement of Dave's hands
while tiny explosive charges,
or squids,
placed around the egg's equator
are ignited.
The elements are then brought together
in the final stage of optical printing.
Finally, sound effects and music
are laid down,
creating that special magic
that late-night viewers
have come to demand.
Letter number five.
Dear Dave,
now this is kind of rough language.
Who's the idiot
who took away your black phone?
I liked your black phone,
but now it's gone.
Why, Dave?
Why?
Marie Reed,
beautiful Kilgore, Texas.
Well, Marie,
you're absolutely right.
The black phone has been replaced
by this beige model over here,
and honestly,
I have no idea
who did this
or why it was done.
Let me check with our director,
Mr. Hal Gurney.
Hal, can you hear me?
Sorry, Dave,
what was that?
Hal has many shows
to direct simultaneously
and has his hands full,
plus trying to get aircraft
landed out of JFK,
so he's many things on his mind.
Go ahead, Dave.
Yes, Hal,
do you have any idea
what happened to the black phone
and who took it away?
No, I don't.
Why don't you check with Louise,
the cleaning lady?
All right, Louise,
Louise,
could you come in here, please?
Talk with Louise,
the cleaning lady.
Hi, Louise.
Yes, Mr. Liedervant.
Yes, Mr. Liedervant.
Louise,
do you know anything
about my favorite
black phone here?
Yes, I do,
Mr. Liedervant.
Ah, you do?
Well, Louise,
I wonder if you could tell me
what happened to it.
I replaced it
with this one.
So you did take
my black phone?
Yes.
I thought it was,
this one would be easier
for you
and look a little nicer
than the old black one.
Uh, Louise,
how long have you been here
at NBC?
Almost 25 years,
Mr. Liedervant.
I have just two months
to go before my pension.
Yeah, yeah.
I hope to join my sister
and my brother
in Florida.
Oh, wow.
I haven't seen them
in 10 years.
Well, yeah.
Ah, that sure
would be nice.
Now, Louise,
with all that experience,
nearly 25 years,
you'd think that you
would know better
than to just take something
that didn't belong to you
without asking,
wouldn't you?
Yeah, I thought that...
Uh-huh.
See, that's just it, Louise.
You thought.
Yes, I thought
it could be nice this week.
Well, Louise,
don't worry
because now you're
going to have
all the time you need
to think
because you're fired.
Go ahead,
get a cab, Louise,
if you will.
Your history.
Go on.
Hit the road.
Okay, okay, okay, okay.
Louise, Louise.
Yes, you missed a letter, man.
Louise, you forgot
the damn phone.
There you go.
Okay, that's viewer mail
for another Thursday evening.
Let me remind you,
is Louise all right?
This, of course,
is only a joke,
and it's been performed
performed for you
by highly paid
professionals,
and Louise,
in fact,
that's not even Louise,
is it?
No, and everything's
just fine.
We couldn't be happier
here, could we?
Okay, well,
we're going to load up
the water ski film.
We'll be back
in a few minutes
to talk with
Mr. Kirk Price.
Thanks.