Name: Viewer Mail on Letterman, September 12, 1985
Uploaded: 2016-05-09T04:18:44.000Z
Description: Watch the stand-up comedy video 'Viewer Mail on Letterman, September 12, 1985' from Don Giller on Comedy Buff. Published 2016-05-09. Transcript available.

Watch the stand-up comedy video 'Viewer Mail on Letterman, September 12, 1985' from Don Giller on Comedy Buff. Published 2016-05-09. Transcript available.

Thank you very much. David, quote of the day that I heard earlier today, Paul
Brooks, he said,
we mock what we are about to become. And I think that's worth remembering.
What's going on? What's happening?
It's just one of those nutty Thursdays.
It's Thursday. You know, ladies and gentlemen, I don't like to talk about this
too often,
but the success of this program over the last year or so has been unbelievable,
hasn't it, Paul?
Unbelievable.
Unbelievable. Ratings you would not believe. Well, like I said, unbelievable.
And for some reason, last week was tremendous. Just sky high, rocket ship kind
of ratings.
And so the executives here at NBC were so pleased.
You know what they did today, Paul, by way of thanking the staff on the show?
They sent us a box of candy.
You know, I heard one week that the Cosby show did so well that everybody got
gum.
Well, so there's no favoritism.
No, no, no.
It's Thursday night, ladies and gentlemen.
This gives us the opportunity to answer our vast viewer mail.
Now, once again, these are actual letters from actual viewers.
Let's get right to it.
What do you think? Should we have Hal call them out tonight, Paul?
Yeah. Always good for a laugh.
All right.
It's sort of to add to the festivities going on.
Our director, Hal Gertner, will now call out the numbers of the viewer mail
letters.
Hal?
Uh, Gurney.
That's all right. Hal Gurney. I'm sorry.
Ready?
Yeah.
Letter number one.
Look at it.
Hal, let's try it again this time with a drum roll.
Let's really...
Take four.
C, C.
Letter number one.
Okay.
I like that.
Dear Dave, I am coming to New York City for a few days and was wondering if you
could demonstrate some tips on how to hail a taxi.
I really need this info. Sincerely, here's Irene Petto, Catarate, New Jersey.
By gosh, you're in luck, Irene.
The New York City Taxi Commission has come up with special signs to carry just
for people like you.
Oh, we have one here.
Yeah, let me show you what this says.
Okay, there it is, Irene.
You can pick one of these up as soon as you get to town.
First-time visitor carrying plenty of big bills.
Don't know where I'm going.
Can't see.
Letter number two.
I like this.
You really get the sense that something important is transpiring.
When nothing could be farther from the truth.
Have you noticed the mosquitoes?
I don't know what it is.
We're right across the Hudson from marshlands in New Jersey.
And every year about this time, if they don't get that marshland sprayed
properly, we get these jumbo mosquitoes.
Yeah.
Yeah.
Yeah.
Those are mosquitoes.
They look like the seafood special at the Sizzler.
Um...
And I've completely lost my place.
I have no idea.
Two.
Continuation of letter number two.
Okay.
This is the only show on NBC right now.
Dear Dave, would you ever consider going out to have a drink with an ordinary
viewer?
Steve Horace, Nanuet, New York.
Uh, yeah.
Steve, I'd consider.
In fact, I do it all the time.
We had a guy along with us the other night.
Took my picture with, uh...
I was out with an ordinary viewer.
Had some drinks and talked things over.
So I do it periodically from time to time.
And, uh...
Yeah.
Good to see you.
Letter number three.
Okay.
Dear Dave, my girlfriend and I were staying at the Trump Castle Hotel in
Atlantic City the past weekend.
Uh, we were waiting for the valet to bring our car.
Uh, when, who did we see but Paul Schaefer?
But, Dave, something seemed very, very strange.
He was hiding behind a bush.
Very concerned in Philadelphia, Lane Leckerman and Carrie Tippie.
Carrie Tippie.
Carrie Tippie.
Probably an adult.
Carrie Tippie.
Uh, well, Paul, is this true?
Were you in Atlantic City hiding behind a bush?
Well, uh...
It doesn't exactly tell the whole story.
Uh, you see, I had been playing some baccarat and, uh...
A pit boss came up to me.
Excuse me, Mr. Schaefer.
Uh, we seem to have a little problem here.
This madman has, uh, strapped some explosives to his chest.
He's threatening to blow up the entire casino.
You and David Brenner are the only two celebrities around.
And, you know, that Brenner, he started mumbling and he ran.
Yeah, I, uh, I think I can disarm this thing.
Let me just, um...
Wait a minute, I don't want to panic anybody.
Can we, let's just take him over behind that bush.
Yeah, terrific.
And, uh, we'll work on this thing.
Paul, Paul, Paul, Paul, Paul.
Excuse me, Paul.
Paul.
Paul, uh, am I going to be in this flashback or not?
Are you going to be in this?
Yes.
No.
No, you're not in this.
Well, do you mind if I'm in it?
You want to be in it?
I would like to be in the flashback.
Yeah, all right.
Okay.
Anyway, I had been playing, uh, some baccarat.
Uh, when, uh, all of a sudden a pit boss comes up to me.
Excuse me, Mr. Schaefer.
Uh, we have a little problem here.
This madman has strapped some explosives to his chest.
He's threatening to blow up the entire casino.
Anything you could do about it?
Yeah.
I think I can disarm this thing.
Uh, let's go behind that bush.
I don't want to panic anybody.
Well, Paul, Paul, I'm with Paul.
Hold it, hold it, hold it.
Hold it, just Paul.
Yeah, what, Dave?
Oh, just a second.
What, what?
Uh, I, I don't want to be the maniac, you know.
I don't want to be the bomb guy, you know what I mean?
Well, you didn't want to be the crazy guy in it.
No, no, I was thinking, you know, something a little, you know, nicer.
Bigger part.
Well, not necessarily bigger, but, you know, not the maniac.
More meatier part?
Yeah.
All right.
I'm playing, uh, some baccarats, and, uh, pit boss comes up to me, middle of
the casino.
Excuse me, Mr. Schaefer, you have your car keys.
Oh, yeah, thanks.
Okay.
Make sure I get enough towels.
Mr. Schaefer, we have a little problem here.
It seems as though this madman is strapped in explosives to his chest.
He's threatening to blow up the entire casino.
Paul, Paul, excuse me, Paul.
Hold on here, just Paul.
Yeah, I think I can disarm this.
Dave, what?
What is it, what is it this time, Dave?
Uh, I don't know.
You know, I, I guess really I want more of an important role.
You weren't satisfied with the valet part, guy.
No, I was all right, but something a little, I don't know, more important.
Okay.
I was playing a little baccarat.
And, uh, all of a sudden, a pit boss comes up to me in the casino.
Mr. Schaefer, this nut has a bomb.
Let's go behind that bush.
Oh, excuse me.
Yes, sir.
Who was that, uh, over there?
That was Paul Schaefer, Mr. President.
The guy with the bomb?
No.
Sure.
Is that a real mustache?
Uh, so basically, uh, that's basically the story.
Very, very nice story.
Thank you very much, Paul.
Ladies and gentlemen, how about a nice hand for our director, Mr. Hal Gertner?
Uh, now listen to this television program.
Carl Reiner, uh, Whitney Houston, a tour of City Island, and New York Yankees
owner, George Steinbrenner.
Don't miss it if you can.
We'll be right back.