Name: Viewer Mail on Letterman, November 1, 1984
Uploaded: 2016-05-09T05:01:48.000Z
Description: Watch the stand-up comedy video 'Viewer Mail on Letterman, November 1, 1984' from Don Giller on Comedy Buff. Published 2016-05-09. Transcript available.

Watch the stand-up comedy video 'Viewer Mail on Letterman, November 1, 1984' from Don Giller on Comedy Buff. Published 2016-05-09. Transcript available.

This is a big night for us. Say hello now to our good friend, Mr. Paul Schaefer.
Thank you very much.
Thank you very much, David.
Well, you know, David...
Well, let me ask you a question. Does it seem hot in here to you?
It's a little warm tonight.
It does seem a little warm in here, doesn't it?
Because it's a hot show, babe. I think that's the only...
You know, I'll bet that's it.
I think that's what it is.
You know, I used to have a band in high school called The Fugitives.
It was right at the time of the show.
That's right.
And I guess we were named...
We were not even named after the show.
We were named after a band that we heard about from Chicago that was called The
Fugitives.
We call ourselves The Fugitives.
But we call ourselves The Fabulous Fugitives.
The Fabulous Fugitives.
Yeah. Anyway...
That's quite a story.
I'm glad we had time to work it in.
Can't all be winners, you know.
Well, let's get rid of this first of all.
We've...
This may be the last time I need to explain this nonsense.
This was the month of October.
It's the Phil Donahue Countdown Calendar.
We took all the days off.
We're now into November.
He's coming December 6th or so, we think.
This is the end of the Countdown Calendar.
And if...
Do you want to continue it?
Do you want to go another month with this nonsense?
We'd have to get a new calendar if you do.
Or do you just want to drop it?
I get to choose?
Well, you get to choose.
Sure.
I would say go on, you know.
Give us something.
All right.
It's out of my hands.
We do have a new calendar.
Could we have the new Phil Donahue Countdown Calendar, please?
Thank you.
All right.
Okay.
You can go ahead and take that out any time.
That's great.
There it goes.
You don't want to do the entire show in front of that thing.
No.
No.
I thought maybe take it out.
Just a suggestion.
Yeah.
All right.
It's Thursday night.
We answer our voluminous accumulation of viewer mail every Thursday night.
Let's get right to it.
Keep in mind, these are actual letters.
In fact, would I be able to do this if they weren't actual letters, ladies and
gentlemen?
Letter number one.
Dear Dave, it says here, you are being scamed.
S-C-A-M-E-D.
You are being scamed.
Sincerely, yours, Thomas J. Croke.
Scamed.
S-C-A-M-E-D.
Let me take a look in the dictionary here.
Being scamed.
All right.
Oh, here we have it right under scaly anteater.
Okay.
Scamed.
All right.
Here it is.
Take a look at the definition of the word scamed.
All right.
As you can see, it says,
the act of receiving ridiculous personal letters written on company stationery.
That's...
All right.
All right.
Letter number two.
Dear Dave, I am so confused about the...
Today's stock market.
You look like the kind of person with inside information.
Do you think you could share it with me?
Confused Jim Thames, Milton, Florida.
Now, this is the kind of letter that really gets me steamed.
I just hate it when people watch the show solely for personal gain.
But, you know, I guess that's what the world is coming to.
Everyone is out for himself.
It's all selfishness.
It's all me, me, me.
Dave, take home.
Yes, Hal?
What about Brother Jonathan?
He's not out for himself, is he?
Brother Jonathan.
Well, you know, I don't know.
I guess we should ask him.
Excuse me.
Brother Jonathan?
Do you watch television solely for personal gain?
No, Dave.
I watch only for the benefits of others.
Oh, good.
Thank you very much.
I appreciate that.
That's right, Dave.
It's a load off my mind.
Oh, it's getting hotter.
Brother Jonathan.
Oh, I'm losing the will to live.
Look at this.
My cuffs are too long.
Look at that.
Look at this.
Over the sleeve, like Sammy would do.
Just roll it up over the sleeve?
All right.
Roll them back.
Good idea.
And a very flashy cufflink.
There you go.
Yeah, I like that.
There you go.
Okay.
Thank you.
Have you been, by the way, practicing on the show business smile that Morgan
Fairchild taught
us the other day on the Today Show?
I've been, yeah, I can't get it, though.
I think I need another lesson.
Well, she says it takes a lot of work.
You know, you don't smile up.
You don't smile up.
No, you don't smile like that.
You smile down.
Smile down.
Like that.
It doesn't exactly read, doesn't read like a smile on you, though.
No, no.
She makes it work.
She has some ways she makes it work.
Keep practicing.
Okay.
Let's get on to letter number three now.
Dear Dave, why is it when there are seven days in a week for everybody, and I
wash clothing
every Saturday, and my husband only has two feet but has 31 pair of socks, he
always says
he doesn't have enough socks.
Help, Pam Hanna, Pleasanton, California.
Well, Pam, if your husband is like I am, he uses socks for a lot of other
things besides
keeping his feet warm.
For example, here's a little something I came up with.
Let me show it to you right now.
I think you'll enjoy this.
This is my hamster organizer.
This is my hamster organizer.
Dear Dave, are we done?
Could that be?
What letter are we on here, Hal?
Letter number four.
I seem to have misplaced number, oh, here it is.
It's a blue card, Dave.
Dear Dave, letter number four starts out, do you have somebody hold up signs
for the audience
that say laugh and applause, or do they do it on their own?
Well, not tonight, they're not.
I love you, Jen Wendling.
Well, Jen, this is a very good question.
We do here in the studio have a wide variety of signs.
Hal, can we show the signs that we use when we have a really stupid audience?
Can we take a shot of those?
Here it comes, Jen.
Okay, I think, Jen, you get an idea.
There's the, yeah.
For the well.
We have time for just one more letter, as it turns out.
Dear Dave, I was thinking yesterday that a fab idea for you would be for you to
have a practical joke show.
This comes to us from Sally Davis, Halstead, Pennsylvania.
Oh, you mean like TV's practical jokes and bloopers, Sally?
Well, you know, interestingly enough, we have been thinking about a show like
that.
In fact, we've done a little more than thinking.
And here is a scene from a show that you just might be seeing pretty soon right
here on NBC.
Every day, our own Paul Schaefer walks right through this doorway here, and
then he goes down these stairs.
So, we thought maybe it would be really funny to put a lot of grease on those
steps and see what happens.
Let's watch.
All right, we'll be right back to meet Jane Burton.
And, uh, that, uh, come on back.