Name: Forster and Hartman Feuds on Letterman, June 1985
Uploaded: 2016-05-15T06:59:43.000Z
Description: Watch the stand-up comedy video 'Forster and Hartman Feuds on Letterman, June 1985' from Don Giller on Comedy Buff. Published 2016-05-15. Transcript available.

Watch the stand-up comedy video 'Forster and Hartman Feuds on Letterman, June 1985' from Don Giller on Comedy Buff. Published 2016-05-15. Transcript available.

Forster and Hartman Feuds on Letterman, June 1985

Here in New York City, there is a modeling agency, it's the Ford Agency, and
they're conducting, I guess they do this every year.
Do they do this every year, Paul?
As far as I know, they've been doing it every year, David.
Thank you very much.
Yeah.
And it's the search for the face of the 80s.
Face of the 80s.
Face of the 80s, that's right.
And it turned out that Joan Collins had tried to enter the contest.
She thought they were looking for the face of someone in their 80s.
Oh, yeah, I know, you care, don't you?
Did you have a good weekend, Paul?
I had a pretty nice weekend, yeah.
What did you do?
Oh, well, I participated in a benefit, you know.
A lot of people say to me, why do you have to do the benefits?
Why do you keep going?
You know what I say, give a little bit back to the audience.
But, yeah, I did a benefit and thrilled to be here today.
How about you?
I had a good weekend.
I do what I do every weekend.
I jump in the car and spend the weekend rubbernecking.
And something's terribly upsetting me.
And I'll just take care of it right here.
Now, you watch baseball on TV, don't you?
Oh, every chance I get.
Sid, you watch, now, do you watch TBS?
Yeah, you see the Braves games?
Okay.
So over the weekend, I'm watching the Braves are playing a series with the Reds.
The Atlanta Braves, the Cincinnati Reds.
They have a pitcher there, the guy's name, Terry Forster.
Do you know who Terry Forster is?
Left-handed relief pitcher.
The fattest man in all of professional sports.
Am I right?
The guy is a balloon.
He must weigh 300 pounds.
At least.
So now, the guys who are in the ballgame, Skip Carey and Ernie Johnson and
somebody else.
Who else does it?
John Sterling.
John Sterling.
Is that right, sir?
Yeah.
Thank you very much.
They, not once did they mention that this guy is enormous.
Not, I mean, just, they pretend like the guy couldn't be in better shape.
He is a load.
Just, just once, when they see this mammoth figure, this silo, get up in the
bullpen,
I just want him to say, well, looks like Terry Forster is warming up.
He's a left-hander.
ERA, about 3.5.
What a fat tub of goo.
Whoa.
Nobody says a thing.
It's like, comes Terry.
He's this, honest to God, he's this big.
It ruined my weekend.
Oh, you know, tonight, ladies and gentlemen, is a, kind of a bittersweet
evening for us.
Tonight, we're saying goodbye to an old, dear friend.
Our desk.
Okay.
We have a good show.
You know who else is a fat ball player?
And this is going to upset people, but you, you got to admit this is true.
Rusty Staub.
As this, all right, but take a look.
The man in the off-season, it was his goal, I'm going to gain 80 pounds.
He's fat.
Yeah, of course, he's the, he's the Rusty the Gourmet Chef, but he's, he's
enormous, ladies and gentlemen.
But this is Terry Forster.
Forster, if you get a chance, this might be worth, by the way, renting a bus,
driving to Atlanta to see a game.
Oh, he's in the top condition of his career.
Now, what about this Phil Collins nonsense?
Is he going to be on the show or not?
Yes.
He is going to be on.
We have a definitive answer on that, yes.
When is he going to be on with us?
24th.
24th.
All right, now, we'll get to the bottom of this Su-Su studio nonsense.
Yeah.
Which he, which he insists on performing.
He is going to do the show, the song on the show?
He will do Su-Su.
Not now, is that?
He will not do.
He will.
He will play drums, I suppose.
He's only going to play drums now.
Oh, good.
Well, we may need him, so.
So, you know.
Some, there's some personnel circumstances in the band that are being ironed
out among themselves
later in kind of an ugly fight downstairs.
So, he's not doing Su-Su-Su studio.
Well, I don't know.
I'm always the last one.
He came to his senses about the song.
Is that correct?
All right.
What else?
Mary Hart.
She's got to be stopped.
That's all I can say about that.
Let's get her on.
Can we have Mary Hart on this show?
Sure.
And we'll find out why she's so damn perky all the time.
Anything from you, Paul?
I'm just going over my notes here.
Oh, notes?
No, I'm having a fine time.
Why has your drummer evacuated the premises even?
Well, I don't know.
It's just the worst day of my life, but I'm enjoying the show, and I'm looking
forward
to seeing how everything works out.
Yeah, me too.
Well, if this is the worst day of your life, then you and I have something in
common tonight.
You mean it's also the worst day of your life?
I got a letter here from Jan Wenner.
Is it Jan or Jan?
Jan Wenner, yeah.
I think in the old days it was probably Jan, wasn't it?
Well, before the operation.
Now it's Jan.
No.
Now that's a joke.
You're just goofing around, aren't you?
It's an old, old kind of Chuckie Green kind of joke.
I got a nice letter from him today saying that I should have my teeth fixed.
I thought that was nice.
Why would he say that?
Well, I had written him a letter about a week ago.
I had seen him in this movie, and I said, congratulations on your acting career
and think
about doing some sit-ups.
So he was...
Oh, you didn't mention that part.
You know, as it turns out, the theme of my life is just fat people, isn't it?
That's just...
Not that he's fat.
I don't mean that he's fat.
But he maybe could do some sit-ups.
But that was a funny letter.
Okay, that's it, ladies and gentlemen.
Thanks.
We'll see you tomorrow night.
Good night, everybody.
We haven't even made a dent in this thing yet, have we?
The videotape is barely unwinding, and we're nowhere.
Yes, we're hopelessly lost, but making good time, aren't we?
Okay, is it time for a clip or a commercial?
Do we have anything to show at this point?
I guess just bring out the first guest and see what the hell he can do.
You know, what we ought to do is just get a scales out here.
And the first order of business, myself, I'll come out, weigh in,
and every guest would come out and weigh in.
And we'll just find out who tends to be fat, who tends to be not fat.
I'll get it to you.
I'll get it to you.
The guests are growing impatient.
I better move on here.
We'll get that Terry Forster on here one night.
My first guest tonight is the star of his own television program on another
network.
It's called Who's the Boss?
A Man of Many Talents and Just About Normal Weight.
Please welcome Tony Danza.
What is this?
Oh, we're going to show you some photos taken from around my hometown.
Paul, do we have music for these photos?
Okay, these are photos taken around my little neighborhood.
What is that?
I think it's my boy, Bill.
As close as I could get.
That's all right.
That's all right.
We'll take anything we can get tonight.
Okay.
Photos taken from around my neighborhood.
Well, take a look at this.
This is, uh, the local hospital is used to seeing Sharon Tracy.
That's Sharon right there.
They're used to seeing her hanging around the intensive care unit.
Some girls go for athletes, others for musicians, explains the perky redhead.
But I really dig sick guys.
This is Mike Howell.
He was the most popular attraction at the church fair this year.
Here's how this worked.
You won a tape player if you could guess which of his eyeballs had been
replaced by a Spanish olive.
Okay.
Here's another one you won't like.
Here's one of those human interest stories you read about every once in a while.
Well, it happened in our neighborhood last week.
Retired barber Larry Wilkins, that's him on the left there, received a draft
notice, even though he's 71 years old.
And the town and everybody in the shop got a good laugh out of it.
So, what happened, Larry then went to Fort Ord, where he died in a rifle range
accident.
See, all they have to do is say when the guy's pitching, nothing major, just
say, boy, is he fat.
They have these giveaways.
Every night is covered dish night down there at Atlanta's Fulton County Stadium.
Everybody brings in something from home.
Covered dish night.
Yeah, they give it to Terry at the end of the game.
It's in his contract.
It's kind of an incentive for him.
Local entrepreneur Howard Mosley is shown here with his latest money-making
scheme.
It's a mail order build a pet kit.
Here we see him working on the spaniel in a box.
Could be the new desk.
Just hasn't been broken in yet.
You know, the police found a big drug bust at the local high school.
They announced a big drug bust there.
This is undercover agent Mario Bellamino.
The bust was so successful because Mario was able to pass himself off as a
transfer student.
I had the privilege to visit a specialized academy that we're all quite proud
of in the neighborhood.
This is Miss Walker's school for children with really weak bladders.
You know, a little bit of Hollywood glamour found its way to my neighborhood a
couple of weeks ago.
A film went into production on the west side of town called Vets.
It marks Loretta Swit's first movie project since MASH.
Close friends of Miss Swit's in the audience.
And finally, Paul, finally.
Yeah, I'm ready.
Cover me.
We have a new problem in our town.
Jehovah's Elephants.
That's it.
We're done.
We'll be back after this.
Doc Severins is here.
I am in a festive mood today.
That's good.
Festive mood.
Because I understand it's not so much a show.
It's a festival.
It's a festival.
Are you coming to the big softball game tomorrow?
I'll be there.
Are you coming there?
Are you going to be there?
Yeah, I'll be there.
You are going to be there.
You heard it on National Team.
That's not what you said earlier.
Well, I haven't made it to one of those games yet.
But I'll be there tomorrow.
I understand you're playing Good Morning America.
We're playing.
I mean, we.
I understand we're playing Good Morning America.
That's right.
Now, what do you think the chances are of David Hartman showing up?
Well, maybe...
Not a chance in hell.
Guess not.
We'll be playing the folks at Good Morning America,
and I hesitate to call them anything like weenies at this point,
so I won't.
We'll just see how the ball game progresses,
and then Monday we'll talk about it.
We have some heavy hitters on our team.
We have a fine team.
You know, we demolished Good Morning...
What is that show?
Entertainment Tonight.
Entertainment Tonight, yeah.
Mary Hart wasn't at that one either.
She wasn't there.
You know what she was.
You go to every game, though.
I think I missed one.
I had a terrible broken bone in my leg.
There you go.
Good play.
Sorry about that.
Okay, that'll be Thursday...
When?
Tomorrow.
When I'm announcing it.
Like, yeah, tickets are $7.50, $10,
and the proceeds go somewhere we don't know.
We got a good show for you folks,
and let's prove it here.
Thursday, by the way, if you're just joining us,
is the night that we answer our viewer...
Yes, sir!
Thank you, boys!
Bill Collins.
We have a wonderful show.
We're going to talk with Mr. Collins a little bit later.
Also, Dennis Miller making his television network,
or network television debut.
He's a very funny stand-up comedian,
and also Maria Conchita Alonzo will be joining us.
But first of all, some unfinished business.
Paul, last Thursday night on this program,
you said that you would be playing softball
with us on Friday evening.
Yes, sir, I did.
Commit to that, yes.
And you didn't show up.
That is correct.
Now, you know what happened, Paul.
But there is an explanation.
Is it valid?
All right, let's get to the explanation in a second.
Let me just tell you what happened,
and I'm not sure it was because you weren't there.
We played Good Morning America,
and the night before,
Paul made some reference to them being weenies.
I may have said something like that.
Yeah, all right.
So, now, we got beaten by these guys.
Now, let me tell you a couple of interesting things about this game.
They told me in the middle of the game
that last week they were beaten.
Good Morning America was beaten by the CBS Morning News.
Now, if you had to pick weenies,
wouldn't it be CBS Morning News?
They said they were beaten 115 to 3 by the CBS Morning News.
They beat us 24 to 2.
The worst part, and I swear to God this is true,
their right fielder was 