Name: Late Show with David Letterman, May 20, 2015
Uploaded: 2016-05-17T00:40:07.000Z
Description: Watch the stand-up comedy video 'Late Show with David Letterman, May 20, 2015' from Don Giller on Comedy Buff. Published 2016-05-17. Transcript available.

Watch the stand-up comedy video 'Late Show with David Letterman, May 20, 2015' from Don Giller on Comedy Buff. Published 2016-05-17. Transcript available.

Late Show with David Letterman,  May 20, 2015

My fellow Americans, our long national nightmare is over.
Our long national nightmare is over.
Our long national nightmare is over.
Our long national nightmare is over.
Our long national nightmare is over.
Letterman is retiring.
You're just kidding, right?
From a magical place not found on any map,
it's The Late Show with David Letterman.
Tonight, a special top ten list and Foo Fighters.
Plus, Paul Schaefer and the CBS Orchestra.
I'm Alan Coulter.
And now, a boy from a small town in Indiana.
It's David Letterman.
The Late Show with David Letterman.
The Late Show with David Letterman.
The Late Show with David Letterman.
The Late Show with David Letterman.
The Late Show with David Letterman.
The Late Show with David Letterman.
The Late Show with David Letterman.
The Late Show with David Letterman.
The Late Show with David Letterman.
The Late Show with David Letterman.
The Late Show with David Letterman.
The Late Show with David Letterman.
The Late Show with David Letterman.
The Late Show with David Letterman.
The Late Show with David Letterman.
The Late Show with David Letterman.
The Late Show with David Letterman.
The Late Show with David Letterman.
The Late Show with David Letterman.
The Late Show with David Letterman.
The Late Show with David Letterman.
The Late Show with David Letterman.
The Late Show with David Letterman.
The Late Show with David Letterman.
The Late Show with David Letterman.
The Late Show with David Letterman.
The Late Show with David Letterman.
The Late Show with David Letterman.
The Late Show with David Letterman.
The Late Show with David Letterman.
The Late Show with David Letterman.
The Late Show with David Letterman.
The Late Show with David Letterman.
The Late Show with David Letterman.
The Late Show with David Letterman.
The Late Show with David Letterman.
The Late Show with David Letterman.
The Late Show with David Letterman.
The Late Show with David Letterman.
The Late Show with David Letterman.
The Late Show with David Letterman.
The Late Show with David Letterman.
The Late Show with David Letterman.
The Late Show with David Letterman.
The Late Show with David Letterman.
The Late Show with David Letterman.
The Late Show with David Letterman.
The Late Show with David Letterman.
The Late Show with David Letterman.
The Late Show with David Letterman.
The Late Show with David Letterman.
The Late Show with David Letterman.
The Late Show with David Letterman.
The Late Show with David Letterman.
The Late Show with David Letterman.
The Late Show with David Letterman.
The Late Show with David Letterman.
The Late Show with David Letterman.
The Late Show with David Letterman.
The Late Show with David Letterman.
The Late Show with David Letterman.
The Late Show with David Letterman.
The Late Show with David Letterman.
The Late Show with David Letterman.
The Late Show with David Letterman.
The Late Show with David Letterman.
The Late Show with David Letterman.
The Late Show with David Letterman.
The Late Show with David Letterman.
The Late Show with David Letterman.
The Late Show with David Letterman.
The Late Show with David Letterman.
The Late Show with David Letterman.
The Late Show with David Letterman.
The Late Show with David Letterman.
The Late Show with David Letterman.
The Late Show with David Letterman.
The Late Show with David Letterman.
The Late Show with David Letterman.
The Late Show with David Letterman.
The Late Show with David Letterman.
The Late Show with David Letterman.
The Late Show with David Letterman.
The Late Show with David Letterman.
The Late Show with David Letterman.
The Late Show with David Letterman.
The Late Show with David Letterman.
The Late Show with David Letterman.
The Late Show with David Letterman.
The Late Show with David Letterman.
The Late Show with David Letterman.
The Late Show with David Letterman.
The Late Show with David Letterman.
The Late Show with David Letterman.
The Late Show with David Letterman.
The Late Show with David Letterman.
The Late Show with David Letterman.
The Late Show with David Letterman.
All right.
Thank you.
That's it.
That's it.
Stop it.
Stop it.
Stop it right there.
Don't make me.
Okay.
All right.
Sit down.
Thank you.
Don't make me.
Now.
See now what happens.
We don't have time for the giving gifts to the audience segment.
Thank you very much ladies and gentlemen.
Welcome to The Late Show.
I want to tell you one thing.
I'll be honest with you.
It's beginning to look like I'm not going to get The Tonight Show.
I don't think.
I don't think.
I'll tell you something else.
And I know people are well-meaning, but I am sick and tired.
Maybe Paul, you get a little of this.
What are you going to do now that you're retired?
Yeah.
What are you going to do now that you're retired?
Well, okay.
All right.
Do you know what I'm going to do now that I'm retired?
Yeah.
By God, I hope to become the new face of Scientology.
Ah.
Bravo.
Don't kid yourself.
Emotions are running high in this building.
I was talking with a sound guy backstage, Dutch.
Yes, yes.
Dutch.
And he...
Well, you know, come to think of it, that may not be his name.
I...
For the last 20 years, I've been calling everybody Dutch.
Ah, well, that's all right.
It's all right.
It's all right.
It's all right.
Speaking of emotional farewells, here now is my goodbye, farewell statement to
the staff that took place earlier today.
I hope you enjoy this.
Asking is that.
Asking is that.
Asking is that.
Crack open wine.
Asking is that.
Asking is that.
Asking is that.
Asking is that.
Crack open wine.
Asking is that.
Thanks for everything.
Congrats.
Bye.
Moving for all of us.
People say to me, Dave, when did you know it was time to retire?
And I said, well, there were signs.
There's always signs along the way.
And I think one of the signs was Todd, the cue card kid, came up to me and he
said, for the love of God, Dave, I can't write the words any bigger.
Remember that?
Okay.
All right.
All right.
Fine.
All right.
Oh, this is a great segment.
I love this segment.
The name of this segment is a comedy we would have done tomorrow.
You see?
This is stuff.
This is stuff we had planned for Thursday.
Okay.
I hope you enjoy it.
Hillary will personally apologize to you for financial improprieties in
exchange for a donation.
A Mad Max tie-in promotion from Supercuts.
And Mike Huckabee's Space on a Thing.
That's comedy we would have done Thursday.
Well, here's some statistics.
Paul and I have been doing this show 33 years.
And that's 6,028 shows.
That's a lot of shows.
That's a lot of shows.
Yeah.
Earlier today, we got a call from Stephen Hawking.
Yeah.
Well, here's some statistics.
Paul and I have been doing this show 33 years.
And that's 6,028 shows.
That's a lot of shows.
That's a lot of shows.
Yeah.
Well, here's some statistics.
Paul and I have been doing this show 33 years.
And that's 6,028 shows.
That's a lot of shows.
Yeah.
Earlier today, we got a call from Stephen Hawking.
And he, bless his heart, had done the math because he's doing this show.
That's a lot of shows.
Yeah.
Well, here's some statistics.
Paul and I have been doing this show 33 years.
And that's 6,028 shows.
That's a lot of shows.
Yeah.
Earlier today, we got a call from Stephen Hawking.
And he, bless his heart, had done the math because he's a genius and stuff.
And 6,028 shows.
And he ran the numbers.
And he said, "It works out to about eight minutes of laughter."
Now, here's the problem when you don't have your own show anymore.
Here's the problem.
When I screw up now, and Lord knows I'll be screwing up, I have to go on
somebody else's
show to apologize.
That's the problem.
That's the problem.
That's the problem.
I'll tell you this.
It's been hard on my family.
And I don't know where the confusion happened.
I don't know where it began.
But my son keeps saying, "Why does Daddy have to go to prison?"
I don't know.
I remember, Paul, you remember this when we started the show, there were mixed
responses.
On the one hand, some people said that the show didn't have a chance.
Remember that?
Mm-hmm, yeah.
Half of the people said, "That show doesn't have a chance."
On the other hand, the other half of the people says, "That show doesn't have a
prayer."
That's...
What are you...
I was having trouble sleeping last night, because...
Has that been a...
Sure, oh yes, yes.
So I was up late, and I was dialing around the channels, and I came upon
something that I thought was sort of enjoyable.
So I ran it off, I put it on the thing, I brought it in, and I'm going to show
it with you folks last now.
Maybe you saw it also.
Take a look at what I saw last night.
He broke the window!
Again!
Gosh, only Dave's been on the air for 33 years.
Back then, Bart and Lisa were kids, and Maggie was still a baby!
Hmm.
Strange, isn't it?
Time gets away from you.
When we started the show, the biggest program, the hottest show on television,
you know what it was?
No.
Keeping Up With The Gaborrs.
Keeping Up With The Gaborrs.
That's a...
Yeah.
Long time on the air.
Way down in the vault.
Listen to this.
Help me out with something.
I don't know.
Do you remember Elian Gonzalez?
Yeah!
What a case that was.
The kid in Cuba, and where should he go?
The United States, and he's been in Cuba.
Well, you're not going to believe this.
The kid is 21 years old.
21 years old now.
And yesterday, he announced that he wants to come back to America.
Now, my question to you is, should I take this personally?
Hmm.
Okay, thanks.
But, and here's the best part of all.
My good friend Paul, more than a guy who's on television with me every night.
Great friend, best friend, and a wonderful guy.
Yes, thank you.
We...
No, wait a minute.
We are going to continue in show business.
Okay.
Next month, be June in Las Vegas, which, by the way, is the time to go to Las
Vegas.
Paul and I will be debuting our new act at Caesars Palace with our White Tigers.
Yes.
We have some new illusions.
We have some new illusions planned as well.
Like I said, a lot of stuff confuses me.
And here's something else.
I guess they're trying to be supportive.
I guess they're trying to be well-meaning.
You know that show.
It's not Jeopardy.
It's the other one.
Wheel of Fortune.
Wheel of Jeopardy.
Wheel of Fortune.
Wheel of Fortune.
Wheel of Fortune.
Yeah.
Look at this.
It's toss-up time again.
It's a third of the night.
Good riddance to David Letterman.
What?
Really?
That's what we get.
Paul Schaefer, everybody.
That's what we get.
Ha!
That's what we get.
Ha!
That's what we get.
Ha!
That's what we get.
Ha!
That's what we get.
Ha!
That's what we get.
Ha!
That's our final show, ladies and gentlemen.
We'll be right back for tonight's Top 10.
Thanks very much.
After the break, there's the final show, ladies and gentlemen.
We'll be right back for tonight's Top 10.
Thanks very much.
After the break, a special Top 10 list.
I've been given five seconds in which to express to everyone here at The Late
Show just how much I truly...
That's...
That's it?
Okay.
I've been given five seconds in which to express to everyone here at The Late
Show just how much I truly...
That's...
That's it?
Okay.
I've been given five seconds in which to express to everyone here at The Late
Show just how much I truly...
That's...
That's it?
Okay.
The Late Show, sponsored by Ford.
We go further so you can.
I invite you folks to be with us tomorrow.
I'm going to learn how to milk a cow.
We've got a fire!
That's too...
Oh!
My goodness!
We've got a fire!
Well...
A little over there.
We've got a fire!
We've got a fire!
We've got a fire!
We've got a fire!
We've got a fire!
1980!
My goodness!
Set prior to Studio 6A by mistake.
You were in the...
That was in the morning.
Sparklers and confetti.
Now, you weren't on the morning show.
I was not on the morning.
Now, what was the problem?
Why weren't you on the morning show?
Couldn't get up that early.
Couldn't get up that early.
But I always said...
Why should you be different than every other viewer?
No, no.
Folks, before we let this thing get too far down the road,
I just want t