Name: Stupid Pet Tricks on Letterman, March 29, 1984
Uploaded: 2016-05-22T16:38:52.000Z
Description: Watch the stand-up comedy video 'Stupid Pet Tricks on Letterman, March 29, 1984' from Don Giller on Comedy Buff. Published 2016-05-22. Transcript available.

Watch the stand-up comedy video 'Stupid Pet Tricks on Letterman, March 29, 1984' from Don Giller on Comedy Buff. Published 2016-05-22. Transcript available.

Thanks, Paul.
Very nice, gentlemen.
Well, it's time now for Stupid Petricks.
Let me remind you, this is only an exhibition.
This is not a competition.
Please, no wagering.
Now, our first participant tonight, please welcome Stacey Darden, ladies and
gentlemen.
Hi, Stacey.
Nice to see you. How are you?
Thank you.
Stacey, where do you live?
Philadelphia.
Boy, you came a long way. Was it tough getting in here?
No, it wasn't that bad. Just took trains.
Really? So the weather wasn't a problem.
Now, you brought your cat.
Yep.
Who is your cat? What's the name?
Tomasina.
Tomasina. And what will Tomasina do for us?
Tomasina will bounce a tin can on her hat.
On her hat. All right.
Is there anything that I can do to help here?
No.
Okay.
Slip the...
Now, this is not a bad idea for some of you younger cats starting out.
Think about wearing that protective headgear.
It's...
This is really the tricky part, isn't it?
That's the...
One false move from this cat.
Unbelievable.
Stacy, very nice.
Let's take...
Aaron, here is your cat in action.
There you go.
Certainly.
Thanks, Stacy.
Nice meeting you.
Bye-bye.
Bye-bye.
Certainly worth the train ride from Philadelphia.
You can see the pride in the eyes of that cat.
Our next guest tonight on Stupid Pet Tricks, Mr. Jim Audubon, ladies and
gentlemen.
Audubon.
Oh, my goodness.
Good heavens.
And what kind of cats are those, Jim?
Pole cats.
Boy, oh, boy.
Jim, where are you from?
Long Island.
Long Island.
And these would be what?
These are weasels, aren't they?
These are weasels.
In the weasel family, they're pole cats or ferrets.
Ferrets.
Rowdy, and this is Tino.
And these make horrible pets, don't they?
No, they're fine pets.
They smell a little.
That's the only thing.
Oh, they do?
Well, sure.
I noticed that.
But are they friendly?
Oh, yeah.
What is this one?
Well, he's digging a hole.
Digging a hole.
He's looking for rats and mice.
But are they good with kids, these things?
Excellent, excellent.
Okay, now, uh, uh.
Oh, oh, well.
Ooh.
A little weasel vomit for you.
They must be nervous.
Now, that's...
I'm telling you, that's got to be a first.
They break balloons.
No, wait a minute.
Is that the trick?
That's the trick.
They like to break balloons.
Okay, they like to break balloons.
Go ahead.
We kind of missed the trick
and the excitement of them throwing up.
I don't have anything to wipe it up with.
Oh, no, that's all right.
We'll clean that up a little later.
Now, you look like you're leaving.
Oh, you want me to start?
No, do the trick some more.
See, I don't think we knew you were going to do that.
I think we're going to do that.
I think we're going to do that.
I think we're going to do that.
I think we're going to do that.
I think we're going to do that.
I think we're going to do that.
I think we're going to do that.
I think we're going to do that.
I think we're going to do that.
I think we're going to do that.
I think we're going to do that.
I think we're going to do that.
I think we're going to do that.
I think we're going to do that.
I think we're going to do that.
I think we're going to do that.
I think we're going to do that.
Okay.
I think we're going to do that.
I think we're going to do that.
Oh, that's okay, Jim.
There they are.
Here.
Oh.
Okay.
Jim, nice meeting you, sir.
Okay.
And thank you for being here.
Bye-bye.
Get them some Dramamine.
Thank you.
Oh, boy.
Never seen a weasel throw up.
Ladies and gentlemen, please say hello to Linda Webber.
Linda.
Hi.
How are you, Linda?
Hi.
Nice to see you.
Linda, where is your home?
Lintonhurst, Long Island.
And do you have trouble getting here today because of the weather?
Yes, a lot of flooding.
Well, I'm glad you made it, and thanks for making the effort.
Now, this dog's name is?
Lady.
Lady.
And what's the lady going to do here?
Push-ups.
What kind of dog is Lady, first of all?
Probably the same as yours.
She's just a mixed breed.
A mixed breed.
Well, it looks nothing like my dog, but...
I know.
It's just a mutt.
Okay, just a mutt.
And, yeah, I recognize that.
Okay.
I mean, it's behavior that I've seen.
I don't...
Oh, God.
Okay, Linda.
Lady is going to do push-ups.
I couldn't help but notice you have some cookies there.
Yeah.
You weren't feeding those to the weasels earlier, right?
No.
I don't eat the pears though, Becker.
The weasels were eating the pears?
The pears, yeah.
Oh, my God.
Don't eat the pears, guys.
Uh, all right, Linda, go ahead.
You and Lady, you know, can I help here anyway?
No, I just hope she doesn't run.
Yeah, all right.
Do you need a drum roll or anything?
No, she's fine.
All right.
Very nice.
This will be Lady doing push-ups.
How many will she do?
I don't know. Lady, go do push-ups? Come on, do push-ups. Push-ups. Push-ups.
Yeah. So, that's your idea of a push-up, huh?
Okay, well, that was mighty entertaining, Linda.
Did we look at it already in slow motion? Oh, this is really going to be...
Thanks, Linda. Thank you very much. Have a safe trip home.
Yeah, fitness. It's important even for dogs to keep in shape.
All right. Ladies and gentlemen, please say hello to Elaine Lombardo.
Hi, Elaine. How are you? Nice to see you.
Elaine, how are you, and where are you from?
East Meadow, Long Island.
And you had the same problems getting in, I guess, huh?
Yeah, we took the train.
All right. Now, you have here what?
This is, I believe, a box turtle.
All righty. And a pet of yours?
Yes, we've had him for 18 years.
Wow. How old did they get?
I don't know, 100, 75, 100.
Really?
Yeah, he was this size when we found him.
Now, if he gets that old, who's going to take care of him once you leave?
I guess my children will inherit him.
Do they make good pets?
Yeah.
Okay.
And do they live in water, live in the ground, or...?
He lives in the basement sink.
That's where they find him naturally in nature, there in the basement sink.
Okay. And what will, did you tell us the name? Is it Charlie?
His name is Charlie.
Okay. Now, what is Charlie going to do for us?
He will stand on his hind legs.
All righty.
This one. Now, what are you going to do there with the...
Well, this is chopped meat, and this sort of coax him along.
All right. Just chopped ground beef, whatever?
Yes.
Yeah, you can see him go crazy when you...
When you get that meat near him, he's like a different animal.
And he'll be, uh...
There he goes.
Ooh.
Ooh.
Come on.
Come on.
Ooh.
Is he all right?
Yeah, he's fine.
My, oh, my.
Now, this, uh...
The turtle is...
He's obviously woozy.
Is, uh...
Is that it?
Yes, that's it.
Very nice, Elaine.
Thank you very much for bringing Charlie in.
Very nice.
Bye-bye.
Have a safe trip home.
Well, there you go.
I thought, uh, not a bad batch.
Terrific.
Yeah.
My thanks to everybody who made the extra effort to come in here tonight
to watch that dog do, uh, push-ups.
We'll be right back.
Jerry Lewis is here, folks.
Don't go away.
Thank you.
Thank you.
Thank you.
Thank you.
Thank you.