Name: Ted Koppel on Letterman, January 28, 1985
Uploaded: 2016-06-02T05:49:22.000Z
Description: Watch the stand-up comedy video 'Ted Koppel on Letterman, January 28, 1985' from Don Giller on Comedy Buff. Published 2016-06-02. Transcript available.

Watch the stand-up comedy video 'Ted Koppel on Letterman, January 28, 1985' from Don Giller on Comedy Buff. Published 2016-06-02. Transcript available.

I enjoyed it very much.
And, uh...
All right, very excited to have this man on our program.
He is said to be one of the most trusted men in America today.
He earns a living as the anchorman of the ABC News program Nightline.
Please welcome Ted Koppel.
Now you don't have to say hello to the band anymore.
That's right, and I appreciate you.
How you doing? Thank you very much for coming up here today.
It's very nice to be here.
Now this is crazy because you're here now, and as soon as we're done, you go
back to work?
It's even crazier than that. I'm here now, but I've already been on.
I'm sorry I missed you.
Oh, it was terrific. You should have been there.
The show comes every night out of, or most nights, out of Washington.
So now isn't this nuts in the middle of your day to pick up and fly to New York
and do this and go back down there?
Well, this is like the kind of thing you don't have kids.
No.
No, no.
This is like the kind of thing you do for your kids.
We have out there in the audience somewhere, there are a few members of the
Nightline staff,
and you have got to know that you are the biggest item at Nightline.
No.
Now, wait, you said something that sort of, I think, is kind of an insult.
You said, this is the kind of thing you do if you have kids.
Now, Ted.
No, no, no.
You mean you wouldn't have come here if it weren't for the kids?
Let me explain.
I've been fighting this for a year and a half.
Well, maybe we have some calls.
Let's just go back to the phone.
No, look.
Well, actually, it's not a bad idea.
Let's go back to the phone.
Now, wait a minute.
You've been fighting what for a year and a half?
I mean, look, let's face it, David.
When you come on this program, there's only one reason to come on this program,
And that is to make a fool of myself in front of the staff.
Oh, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no.
No.
You know, a lot of times people will say about me and about this show
that we get folks out here and that I'm rude to them and I'm abusive
and that I make fun of them and so forth.
You're never rude.
Abusive.
Now, I've seen you at work, and you really take the gloves off.
The fur starts to fly.
Do you ever get people saying,
geez, Ted, you really should have taken it easy on...
Yeah, sometimes they do.
But I must say the best description of how I feel,
I read the other day when I saw how you felt when you went on the Donahue show.
You know what I'm talking about.
It's like wearing somebody else's underwear.
That's right, yeah.
Only in this case, I'm not sure they were learned at first.
Let me ask you another question.
I know, I was watching an interview you did with the people from Oregon,
the community of...
Oh, yeah.
The Ranjish Purim.
Yes, sir.
Yes.
And there was a woman, his spokesman, whom I've seen interviewed before.
Yes.
And she was, she was livid.
In a matter of seconds, she worked herself into a real snit
and she started using real profanity.
I mean, it was no kidding around.
No kidding around.
Yeah.
Now, how does that work?
That you're on live, this all comes out?
Well, you know, it's late at night.
You can get by with, you can get by with a certain...
The extraordinary thing is that program, the one you mentioned,
actually we've done two with her.
She's...
I almost said something.
It's more public reaction than anything we've ever done before.
Well, she's very...
She's forceful.
Forceful, animated, and...
Animated, and profane.
And...
Now, does that...
Do you edit that out for the West Coast in a different time zone?
No.
Well, since we're live anyway, there's no point in editing it out for the West
Coast.
We sometimes do entire shows, again, for the West Coast.
If something happens, I mean, we're on at 11.30 on the East Coast,
and if something by 2.30 in the morning happens,
we have been known to come back and do the whole program again.
Yeah.
So that really would be a long day in that case.
That's a long day.
But what you're saying, the show goes live one way or the other.
You're not going to take little stuff like that out.
Have there been issues where you think,
I just wish I was home in bed?
Yes.
As a matter of fact, something else we have in common, David,
is I was watching your special on Saturday,
and you had Ruth...
Westheimer.
Westheimer, yeah.
We had that same instance.
I mean, the same...
The kind of creative use of a certain vegetable.
But what was the topic?
Well, the topic was book censorship,
and we had a couple of people on from Texas
who were explaining why they censor certain books.
And this one guy held the book up
and started explaining
that this is how you could use that vegetable.
It was a cucumber, right?
It was a cucumber, that's right.
And fortunately, we had another guest in Chicago,
so I did what any courageous,
red-blooded host of a program would do.
So I switched to Chicago only to have the producer say in my ear,
we've just lost the Chicago line.
Oh, there you go.
So you're...
So it was back to Texas and the cucumber.
Yeah.
Have there ever been any times where you felt like
if you had it to do again,
you would be not so hard on somebody?
Or I know...
Sure.
You're talking about...
Yeah.
Yeah.
Ran for vice president, Mr. Rural.
How quickly they forget, right?
Yeah, no, that's true.
I apologized to Congresswoman for...
I thought I was arrogant.
I thought I was too tough.
Really?
And at the time you were doing it,
did you feel like you were being too tough at the time?
Yeah, and it was one of those things.
I was so nervous about doing that interview
because there were so many things
that I wanted to ask her about.
Yeah.
and felt that she had not been
really toughly questioned about yet,
that I allowed that to get the best of me.
I got a little tougher than I think I should have.
So thinking about it later,
did you phone her?
Did you write her?
I didn't until much later.
I mean, I spoke to her after the election.
And I apologize.
Yeah.
And did she...
Was she gracious about that?
She was very gracious about it.
She told me what to do with the program.
No, no, no.
She didn't.
All right, we're going to do a commercial here
and we'll be right back with Ted Koppel.
Ted Koppel is here this evening.
You worked in this building as a page.
For a...
In the summer of 59.
Yeah.
It was a page.
And as a matter of fact,
in those days,
Jack Perr was on.
Oh, yeah.
I'm glad to see that Jose Mellis
is still working over there.
A long time ago.
You realize that most of these people
have no idea who...
Well, maybe you...
They know who Jack Perr is.
Maybe you don't know who Jose Mellis may be.
Yeah, he was his band leader.
Yeah, we have several people
who worked on that show
and there's one particular staff member
who never ceases to tire us
with his stories of Jose Mellis.
I understand in addition to being a fine journalist
and an excellent broadcaster,
you do some impressions.
You're going to...
I was...
You do some impressions.
Yeah.
That's...
That is true.
There is only one minor limitation
on that.
Which would be what?
That I never do it on late night television.
No, but...
Now, see, that's what's going to happen.
They're going to follow you home
and beat you silly.
Now, you're...
One of your good friends
is Henry Kissinger.
That's true.
Which I did not know.
Which, that must be
a fascinating friend to have,
I would think.
He's a fascinating friend to have,
but I'm not going to do
the impression right now.
Oh, come on!
No, I'm not going to do it.
All right, all right, okay.
No, and...
You're not going to do
Henry Kissinger, but...
If need be,
I will take refuge
with the King of the Moles
right under the stairs.
Now, are there other impressions
that you wouldn't mind doing?
Well, um...
It's the kind of thing, David,
I'll tell you what,
do we have another segment
after this, or is this it?
It depends whether or not
you play along.
Well, if I can work my way
through this segment
and get the hell out of here
again without doing it,
I would rather not
if you don't mind.
All right, okay, that's fine.
I certainly, I can accept that,
but just run down the list.
Let's...
The list of...
Of impressions that you do.
Well, I'll tell you what,
I do a moderately good Nixon.
I've been known on occasion
to do William F. Buckley,
especially when he's on the show.
It's very hard.
Do you find yourself...
If you have someone
with a very distinctive
mannerism or speaking,
do you find yourself...
No, never.
That's why you...
Okay, you do William F. Buckley,
Richard Nixon.
But you're right,
both of these gentlemen
are very deliberately
mannered sorts of...
That's right.
Yeah.
And I'll tell you what,
I'll tell you a quick
Nixon story.
Since we're...
Since it looks as though
we may have to do this show
again with Chernyenko,
a couple of years ago
when Brezhnev died,
we had President Nixon,
President Ford,
President Carter,
he's another one
that I do occasionally.
You do Carter also?
I do Carter, yeah.
Wow.
You're ready for Vegas.
Almost.
And we had Kissinger
and Hague on the program
and the program went
on and on and on.
One of the staffers
pointed out that it was
the show that would not die.
We got off the air
about 1.30 in the morning
and I got home about 3
and got to bed around 4
and at 8.30 in the morning
the phone rang
and my wife,
who's an attorney,
was already off at work.
The kids were in school
and there was a very
distinctive voice
on the other end of the phone
and it was kind of
cutting through the haze.
Hello?
Ted?
And, uh...
I said, uh, yes.
And the voice said, uh,
President Nixon here.
And, uh,
having all my wits about me,
I said,
Good morning, Mr. President.
What can I do for you?
And I swear to God,
the first words out of his mouth
were,
I didn't realize
you got up this early.
That's terrific.
That's it.
You want to move on?
You want to try one little,
one little other?
I mean, that's one more.
Yeah.
Do you do anybody
not in politics?
Um...
No, who?
Buckley, Buckley.
Buckley?
Oh, do a little Buckley.
Um...
Are those staff members?
Uh, at this particular point...
All right!
I, I think it would be
most inopportune.
Okay.
You're very good.
You're very good.
And, uh,
also, you're,
you're terrific on the air.
That's why we wanted
to have you on here.
And, and I'm,
I'm certainly glad
we had the opportunity to meet.
Why, why, why do I have the feeling
that I'm not going to be
on the air much longer?
I mean, if I had not done the...
I'll tell you what, David,
may I just insert
one thing before I leave?
Sure.
Uh...
As long as it's not a cucumber.
But, you know...
Thank you.
I'm sorry.
I'm sorry.
I'm sorry.
I hope you...
I don't...
That's, that's the worst thing.
I'm sorry.
I'm sorry.
I'm sorry.
I've acted terribly
and I apologize.
That's all right.
I, um,
I've been watching
your program for
years.
And I watched the special
you had on,
on, uh,
on Saturday.
And it seems to me
that there are certain things
to which your audience
reacts
particularly well.
Now, obviously,
you don't need
advice
on how to run
your program.
But...
Let me just show you
the kind of thing
I have in mind.
Um,
if you can...
It's, uh,
it's a question of,
of,
I watched it...
I had a hard time,
I had a hard time
telling whether
that was the high point
of the broadcast
or, or,
or tossing
the roadrunner...
Yeah, I know.
I know.
That roadrunner doll.
It's interesting
that you didn't want
to do the impressions,
but you came prepared
to do that.
to do that.
Uh,
well,
that's strange.
I'd like you
to have that.
I'll keep this,
but I know,
I know it's nuts
for you to be
flying back and forth
like this,
and we really
do appreciate it,
and I've been
a big fan of yours,
and I think
you're doing
a lot of wonderful
stuff.
It is mutual.
Thanks,
thank you very much.
We'll be right back
here after a while.
Thank you.