Name: Crushing Things w/Steamroller Collection on Letterman, April-August 1983
Uploaded: 2016-06-08T01:28:53.000Z
Description: Watch the stand-up comedy video 'Crushing Things w/Steamroller Collection on Letterman, April-August 1983' from Don Giller on Comedy Buff. Published 2016-06-08. Transcript available.

Watch the stand-up comedy video 'Crushing Things w/Steamroller Collection on Letterman, April-August 1983' from Don Giller on Comedy Buff. Published 2016-06-08. Transcript available.

Welcome back to the program, ladies and gentlemen.
Michael Palin will be here, also Nick Lowe, Terry Garr, and please remain
seated.
Mr. Fixit will be joining us tonight.
You know, it's certainly true that these are troubled times.
Every day we hear about the threats to the environment and to world peace,
about the shaky economy and the high unemployment rate.
And in times like these, sure, it's easier to tear things down than it is to
build things up.
Much easier.
Much, much easier.
It's so much easier, in fact, that we went to the New Rochelle Shopping Mall
right here in New York
to find out what you, the viewing public, would like to see flattened or
completely destroyed by a steamroller.
Let's take a look at part one of these fascinating results.
Here we are at Nagrao Brothers contracting.
Let's meet the man who will be operating the steamroller.
Excuse me, sir.
What is your name?
Miller, Council Miller.
And what kind of equipment do we have here?
This is a Rego Labradori Roller.
How much does it weigh?
About 27,000 pounds.
Fine.
37,000 pounds.
All right.
May I have the first item to be crushed, please?
A box of assorted doughnuts.
A box of assorted doughnuts.
Make a nice carpet patch.
Your friend's phone.
How about a saxophone, okay?
All right.
A saxophone.
One of those lovable little cartoon characters, a Smurf.
You see, it takes more than 37,000 pounds to keep these lovable little fellas
down.
Bill Hendel's watch.
More than a watch, actually.
It's a chronometer.
A truly fine timepiece.
You know, it's actually still ticking.
A nutritious breakfast.
A nutritious breakfast.
A couple of slices of cake.
A nice juice.
Your favorite cereal and fruit.
And a large tumbler of milk.
A cassava melon.
I'd be interested in seeing one or two models of the human ear.
One or two models of the human ear.
We did that six weeks, maybe two months ago.
Today, we're busting stuff with a steamroller.
Please, try to pay attention.
You know those bags that laugh?
They sell in joke stores.
Yeah, who's laughing now, huh?
Well, some of my laundry came out kind of wrinkled this time.
Am I impressed?
Yeah.
Yeah, that's not too bad.
A cassava melon.
They're out of season.
All we could find was a watermelon.
I hope that'll be all right.
How did you turn on the vibrator this time?
Now we're getting somewhere.
Okay.
Let me remind you, this is not PBS.
That was part one.
We'll have part two a little bit later.
Michael Palin will join us right after you take a look at this.
Thank you very much, Paul.
Welcome back to the program, ladies and gentlemen.
You know, since we first aired our steamroller piece way back in the late 50s,
the response has just been incredible.
But we really have only begun to scratch the surface.
So let's now take a look at more of what you, the viewing public, would like to
see crushed by a steamroller.
Some of that packing material has the bubbles you can pop.
Okay.
I enjoyed that.
You're having trouble closing the suitcase.
Yeah.
Well, all right.
Perhaps we can help.
Trouble closing the suitcase.
An age-old problem.
It's a weary travel.
There you are.
Bon voyage.
Thank you.
Thank you very much.
Yes.
Okay, Dorothy.
A Big Mac.
A WAPA.
The winner?
Well, we'll leave that up to you.
A cassava melon.
Look, try and pay attention.
We've been through this once.
We could not find a cassava melon, all right?
We just did the watermelon.
That's it.
I'm sorry.
A little plastic train that rides in the circle playing for a jockey.
You mean the cute little lovable choo-choo train that plays everybody's
favorite tunes?
The Tooneyville choo-choo?
What kind of a sick society are you?
Well, I just hope you're happy.
I really can't think of anything.
How's it about a piece of paper?
I'll tell you, though, I don't think it's going to be as spectacular as some
other things.
Here we go.
Dude, you'll never be able to use that again.
Giant doorknob.
It's just plain big, ladies and gentlemen.
The giant doorknob.
No, no, no, no.
I can't do it.
I can't do it.
I can't do it.
I can't do it.
I'm sorry.
Larry Bud Millman.
Thank you.
Larry Bud Millman.
It ain't funny.
This is no joke.
The hell Wendell gave us his watch?
I was watching the show about a week ago on a Thursday night, and you had this
real geeky-looking guy with a beard who was a screenwriter, and he wrote some
movie or something, and he thought he was funny, and he just was awful.
And it just kept going on and on and on.
Is there any way you could destroy all evidence of that ever happening?
Yeah, I'm glad you brought that up.
What we're talking about, last Thursday night, we had Paul Zimmerman on, The
Man Who Wrote, King of Comedy, and it was a desire of his all his life to do
comedy on a television show.
And if you stayed through it, you know that it was two things.
It was long, and it was awful.
So I'll be happy to take care of this for you.
The only existing videotape evidence of his appearance on our show.
Don't waste any time.
Vibrate it.
Back over it.
Okay, again.
Do it again.
Do it again.
Yeah, okay.
Thank you very much.
Thank you.
That was just a joke.
It was only a little, just a little joke there.
We're going to go away.
We'll return.
Mr. Nick Lowe is here, and come on by.
Welcome back to the program.
Tomorrow night, Catherine O'Hara will be joining us from SCTV.
Also, actor Ron Silver, Alba Ballard, and her costumed parrots will be here,
ladies and gentlemen.
And we'll be passing out our first annual audience awards in conjunction with
the Academy Awards presentation in the next week or so.
Now, if you happen to watch our program last Friday evening, you know that we
devoted a portion of that show to running over things with a steamroller.
The public response has been so great, in fact, overwhelming, that we feel that
you deserve more.
So, tonight, as an encore presentation of things you, the American viewing
public, want to see smashed by a steamroller, all new items.
A bucket of golf balls.
A bucket of golf balls.
Make a nice purse, wouldn't it?
A bucket of golf balls.
Make a nice purse, wouldn't it?
What's that cake from Carvel?
Budgie the Whale?
No, not Budgie.
Oh, no.
Dumpy the Pumpkin.
No, not Dumpy.
It's more like E.T. from Outer Space.
I know what you mean.
Cookie Puss.
A TV movie, Coward of the Country.
We couldn't get a copy of Kenny Rogers' hit TV movie, Coward of the Country,
but we did find a cassette copy of his hit theatrical release, Six-Pack.
I hope you enjoy this.
Thank you.
Another smash hit for Kenny Rogers.
This is the item we get the most requests for, not a two slice, a four-a-slice
toaster.
Yeah, that's why everybody wants to see it.
It's just unbelievable.
Okay.
Now, we'll be right back with the founder of the Guinness Book of World Records,
Norris McWorker, also Jessica Harper is here.
Paul Schaefer and our orchestra, ladies and gentlemen.
You know, Monday, let me tell you who's going to be here: Fran Lebowitz, a man
who sings backwards, David Feuer, and Eastern Airlines survivor Sandy Dix.
This woman was on flight 855, the Eastern thrill flight for seasoned travelers.
It's a little more expensive, but if you're just flying all the time.
Anyway, she'll be here.
Now, to me, every time I get on an airplane, this is me, where they glide for
about four miles and then turn on the engines.
She'll be here.
And what else?
Oh, Stupid Petrics.
That'll be Monday.
Well, if you've watched this show in the past couple of weeks, you know that we
have been running stuff over with a steamroller.
Now, we didn't start out with much, ladies and gentlemen, just an open stretch
of asphalt and a dream, that dream to crush one of every kind of object in the
world.
Now, six weeks later, perhaps it's a good time to look back and reflect on all
we've accomplished already, on how far we still have to go.
Take a look at this chart right here, ladies and gentlemen.
Sure, we're not there yet, but I don't know, I have a funny feeling we're going
to make it.
So, now, ladies and gentlemen, more stuff crushed by a steamroller.
One of those big, stupid drinks, like from a Polynesian restaurant.
Here you go, the Maidens Down Call from the Hawaii Time Restaurant, a personal
favorite of Don Ho's.
May I help you?
Yes, well, we all know now that the Earth is round, but I'd like to see what it
looked like before it was round, please.
You mean, when it was flat?
When it was flat.
Are you a student?
No.
Sure, I'd be happy to help you out, young man.
What the Earth looked like when it was flat?
Oh, no problem.
Well, that is pretty much the way Columbus proved that the Earth, in fact, is
round.
Yes, ma'am, may I help you?
Uh, yeah, my art project is due tomorrow, and I didn't get a chance to finish
it, and I don't--
Is there-- can you help me out on this?
You're from out of town, aren't you?
Uh, yes, I am.
Okay, uh, I'll be happy to.
Give me the paint.
We'll just put it down over here on the, uh, yeah.
This has to be good.
I'm supposed to get a piece.
Yeah.
All right, there you go.
Let me-- let me see.
We can-- there, I-- you can frame this right now.
My aunt is having her 30th wedding anniversary, and I was supposed to cater,
but I can't go.
Will you call it for me?
Uh, okay, uh, look, ma'am, we're not making any telephone calls today.
Uh, that-- that's something we do usually on Mondays when-- when we're out of
material.
Uh, uh, today we're busting stuff with a steamroller, I'm sorry.
Try and pay attention, please.
Yes, sir, may I help you?
Yeah, I-- I got this contour mat for Christmas, and it won't fold up right,
and I can't get it into the glove compartment.
So could you, uh, turn it into just a regular flat mat for me?
Yeah, the problem is this raised stuff on here, huh?
Right.
Yeah, okay.
We'll see what we can do.
You're from out of town, aren't you?
I don't know if we get it flattened or not, but it looks like we've added a few
new countries.
A whoopee cushion.
Actually, the brand name is Poo Poo Cushion, and since this is network TV, how
about five of 'em?
How about a meaningful political statement?
Labor, sports, small business, entertainment, all helpless victims of the steamroller
of inflation.
Sports escapes.
Sports is escaping. It hasn't been crashed.
We'll be back with Kenneth Morris, folks, right after this.
Now, just read this, and we'll see what else happens.
You know, sitting behind this desk hosting the show I call "Late Night", I've
come to learn that you can't please all the people all of the time, but when
you've got a steamroller running over things, you can come pretty damn close.
So, here now, another visit with our friend, the steamroller.
Last time you ran over Smurf, can you run over something cute like that again?
Sure.
How about for you lovable little fellow from outer space?
I'll be darned.
Look at there, there's one dime for a last phone call.
Yes, ma'am, what may I do for you?
Yeah, my grandmother gave me this knick-knacks shelf, and I hate this kind of
stuff.
It doesn't go in my house.
All right, and you would like us to...
Whatever.
Okay, we'll see what we can do.
Thank you very much.
I'll just take this over.
Okay, I think that teaches grandma to mind your own business.
I have a heart condition, could you run over something really dull?
All right, fine.
How about a bag of jelly beans?
But I must warn you, they're assorted.
I'm sick of that giant doorknob joke you do.
My whole family's sick of it.
I think it's got a lot more laughs in it.
No, I can't.
See, the reason that it's never worked so well is,
I don't feel people really understand that it's just plain big.
Well, at least if you won't do that, get rid of that car and truck rental song.
All right.
The car and truck rental song.
Don't worry, ladies and gentlemen, we still have the master locked safely.
Yes, sir.
What can we do for you?
I've got this can of sardines and mustard sauce and I can't open it.
The key is stuck.
It's dripping oil all over.
Yeah, I'm having a hell of a time.
And you really enjoy your sardines, don't you?
I love sardines.
I really love sardines.
You're from out of town?
I'm from Cleveland, yes.
And you came all the way with your sardines?
Well, yeah, I understand you were rolling over things.
I wonder if it was possible.
All right.
We'll see what we can do for you.
I appreciate it very much.
Thank you very much for coming in.
Try and open these sardines.
Let's do the best we can.
Bring the crackers in.
Well, there you have it.
I hope we've been able to satisfy America's insatiable thirst to see things
destroyed.
Anybody have any last—
Yes, ma'am.
Can you get rid of this for me so I don't have to take it home?
The microphone?
Yeah.
Sure, no problem.
Thank you very much.
Take the microphone and put it down right now.
Let me run back with Brother Theodore, folks.
Thank you very much.
This is Bob Rooney admiring the world's largest vase, complete with a security
guard.
And I believe Thursday we're going to have the dramatic and colorful changing
of the guard
ceremony for you right here.
So circle your TV guide as always.
Coming up in this half hour of the program, Dabney Coleman, Gary Mulder, and
tomorrow,
Sandra Bernhardt will be here.
Also, Jim Peterson, who happens to be the Playboy advisor, and Mr. Carl Reiner.
Is this the same Carl Reiner who sat on my head a few weeks ago?
We're not sure.
We're not sure.
It could be a different Carl Reiner.
You know, in a world of video games and fast trains, it's nice to know that
there's still
a form of entertainment that's not just a fad.
Of course, I'm referring to the kind of fun I used to have as a boy when we
would get
together after school and run things over with a steamroller.
Well, tonight, our final installment of Steamroller Fun.
Yes, I'd like to have this chocolate here, but I'm afraid it's orange cream
inside.
Oh, you don't care for orange cream?
Not at all.
And there's really no way to tell, is there?
No.
All right.
Well, let me see what I can do.
Fortunately, they haven't started to melt.
Just a minute, I'll be right with you.
Yeah, this one's a mint.
A box of cigarettes.
Hmm.
All I have here is this crush-proof box.
I hope we don't disappoint anybody.
Let's give it a try.
Gee, I'm sorry, we're really not miracle workers here.
We can only do so much.
Yes, sir, what can I do for you?
Yeah, I popped this jiffy pot for a party I was supposed to have tonight,
but now the party's not until tomorrow night.
I was wondering if you could get it back to its original form so I could store
it.
Back in the pan?
Yeah.
All right, we'll try.
Thank you.
Good luck.
Yeah.
Yeah, it worked.
This will be right.
Barbie's dream house.
Okay, let's take a look at Barbie's dream house.
First of all, there's Barbie and Ken out in the front yard sunning themselves,
and of course,
when you're out in the sun, it's a good idea to wear an Angora sweater like
that.
Ken has the family horse there tied up on a leash, and let's take a look now at
Barbie's bedroom.
That's over here, and the unique feature about Barbie's bedroom, of course, it
has no ceiling.
Over here on the second floor is the television room, and Barbie and Ken and
Ken are all the
things that are in the front yard.
First of all, there's Barbie and Ken out in the front yard sunning themselves,
and of course,
when you're out in the sun, it's a good idea to wear an Angora sweater like
that.
Ken has the family horse there tied up on a leash, and let's take a look now at
Barbie's bedroom.
That's over here, and the unique feature about Barbie's bedroom, of course, it
has no ceiling.
Over here on the second floor is the television room, and Barbie and Ken and
all the
I guess all of America like to relax by watching Barbie on TV, obviously an NBC
program.
But, oh my God, look what's in the backyard.
It's, good heavens, it's a steamroller.
Sorry, Barbie, the dream is over.
Somebody clear off stage.
Keep the looters back.
For God's sake, they're taking Barbie's possession.
You people go back to your homes.
There's nothing more to be seen here.
Get this area cordoned off.
Agreed. Agreed.
We'll be back with Mr. Dabney Coleman right after this, folks.
Awesome.
Now, a few months ago, we started mashing stuff with a 30,000 pound steamroller.
There were a few segments that you did not get to see, and we've decided to
show those last few bits of exciting steamroller footage to you tonight.
Watch closely, won't you?
One of those things where, you know when you want to drive to work and you want
to drink coffee, but you don't want the coffee to spill all over you.
Okay, I think you're talking about one of those commuter cups.
We have the mobile mug, the non-spilling mug.
Allows you to drink hot or cold beverages as you're driving to or from work.
Okay, no problem.
A steamroller.
We had a lot of requests for this also.
People seem to want to see a steamroller run over by a steamroller.
A canned ham.
We're awfully sorry about that.
We'll be right back to meet Mr. Art Donovan.
I'm sorry.
you

Crushing Things w/Steamroller Collection on Letterman, April-August 1983

Welcome back to the program, ladies and gentlemen.
Michael Palin will be here, also Nick Lowe, Terry Garr, and please remain
seated.
Mr. Fixit will be joining us tonight.
You know, it's certainly true that these are troubled times.
Every day we hear about the threats to the environment and to world peace,
about the shaky economy and the high unemployment rate.
And in times like these, sure, it's easier to tear things down than it is to
build things up.
Much easier.
Much, much easier.
It's so much easier, in fact, that we went to the New Rochelle Shopping Mall
right here in New York
to find out what you, the viewing public, would like to see flattened or
completely destroyed by a steamroller.
Let's take a look at part one of these fascinating results.
Here we are at Nagrao Brothers contracting.
Let's meet the man who will be operating the steamroller.
Excuse me, sir.
What is your name?
Miller, Council Miller.
And what kind of equipment do we have here?
This is a Rego Labradori Roller.
How much does it weigh?
About 27,000 pounds.
Fine.
37,000 pounds.
All right.
May I have the first item to be crushed, please?
A box of assorted doughnuts.
A box of assorted doughnuts.
Make a nice carpet patch.
Your friend's phone.
How about a saxophone, okay?
All right.
A saxophone.
One of those lovable little cartoon characters, a Smurf.
You see, it takes more than 37,000 pounds to keep these lovable little fellas
down.
Bill Hendel's watch.
More than a watch, actually.
It's a chronometer.
A truly fine timepiece.
You know, it's actually still ticking.
A nutritious breakfast.
A nutritious breakfast.
A couple of slices of cake.
A nice juice.
Your favorite cereal and fruit.
And a large tumbler of milk.
A cassava melon.
I'd be interested in seeing one or two models of the human ear.
One or two models of the human ear.
We did that six weeks, maybe two months ago.
Today, we're busting stuff with a steamroller.
Please, try to pay attention.
You know those bags that laugh?
They sell in joke stores.
Yeah, who's laughing now, huh?
Well, some of my laundry came out kind of wrinkled this time.
Am I impressed?
Yeah.
Yeah, that's not too bad.
A cassava melon.
They're out of season.
All we could find was a watermelon.
I hope that'll be all right.
How did you turn on the vibrator this time?
Now we're getting somewhere.
Okay.
Let me remind you, this is not PBS.
That was part one.
We'll have part two a little bit later.
Michael Palin will join us right after you take a look at this.
Thank you very much, Paul.
Welcome back to the program, ladies and gentlemen.
You know, since we first aired our steamroller piece way back in the late 50s,
the response has just been incredible.
But we really have only begun to scratch the surface.
So let's now take a look at more of what you, the viewing public, would like to
see crushed by a steamroller.
Some of that packing material has the bubbles you can pop.
Okay.
I enjoyed that.
You're having trouble closing the suitcase.
Yeah.
Well, all right.
Perhaps we can help.
Trouble closing the suitcase.
An age-old problem.
It's a weary travel.
There you are.
Bon voyage.
Thank you.
Thank you very much.
Yes.
Okay, Dorothy.
A Big Mac.
A WAPA.
The winner?
Well, we'll leave that up to you.
A cassava melon.
Look, try and pay attention.
We've been through this once.
We could not find a cassava melon, all right?
We just did the watermelon.
That's it.
I'm sorry.
A little plastic train that rides in the circle playing for a jockey.
You mean the cute little lovable choo-choo train that plays everybody's
favorite tunes?
The Tooneyville choo-choo?
What kind of a sick society are you?
Well, I just hope you're happy.
I really can't think of anything.
How's it about a piece of paper?
I'll tell you, though, I don't think it's going to be as spectacular as some
other things.
Here we go.
Dude, you'll never be able to use that again.
Giant doorknob.
It's just plain big, ladies and gentlemen.
The giant doorknob.
No, no, no, no.
I can't do it.
I can't do it.
I can't do it.
I can't do it.
I'm sorry.
Larry Bud Millman.
Thank you.
Larry Bud Millman.
It ain't funny.
This is no joke.
The hell Wendell gave us his watch?
I was watching the show about a week ago on a Thursday night, and you had this
real geeky-looking guy with a beard who was a screenwriter, and he wrote some
movie or something, and he thought he was funny, and he just was awful.
And it just kept going on and on and on.
Is there any way you could destroy all evidence of that ever happening?
Yeah, I'm glad you brought that up.
What we're talking about, last Thursday night, we had Paul Zimmerman on, The
Man Who Wrote, King of Comedy, and it was a desire of his all his life to do
comedy on a television show.
And if you stayed through it, you know that it was two things.
It was long, and it was awful.
So I'll be happy to take care of this for you.
The only existing videotape evidence of his appearance on our show.
Don't waste any time.
Vibrate it.
Back over it.
Okay, again.
Do it again.
Do it again.
Yeah, okay.
Thank you very much.
Thank you.
That was just a joke.
It was only a little, just a little joke there.
We're going to go away.
We'll return.
Mr. Nick Lowe is here, and come on by.
Welcome back to the program.
Tomorrow night, Catherine O'Hara will be joining us from SCTV.
Also, actor Ron Silver, Alba Ballard, and her costumed parrots will be here,
ladies and gentlemen.
And we'll be passing out our first annual audience awards in conjunction with
the Academy Awards presentation in the next week or so.
Now, if you happen to watch our program last Friday evening, you know that we
devoted a portion of that show to running over things with a steamroller.
The public response has been so great, in fact, overwhelming, that we feel that
you deserve more.
So, tonight, as an encore presentation of things you, the American viewing
public, want to see smashed by a steamroller, all new items.
A bucket of golf balls.
A bucket of golf balls.
Make a nice purse, wouldn't it?
A bucket of golf balls.
Make a nice purse, wouldn't it?
What's that cake from Carvel?
Budgie the Whale?
No, not Budgie.
Oh, no.
Dumpy the Pumpkin.
No, not Dumpy.
It's more like E.T. from Outer Space.
I know what you mean.
Cookie Puss.
A TV movie, Coward of the Country.
We couldn't get a copy of Kenny Rogers' hit TV movie, Coward of the Country,
but we did find a cassette copy of his hit theatrical release, Six-Pack.
I hope you enjoy this.
Thank you.
Another smash hit for Kenny Rogers.
This is the item we get the most requests for, not a two slice, a four-a-slice
toaster.
Yeah, that's why everybody wants to see it.
It's just unbelievable.
Okay.
Now, we'll be right back with the founder of the Guinness Book of World Records,
Norris McWorker, also Jessica Harper is here.
Paul Schaefer and our orchestra, ladies and gentlemen.
You know, Monday, let me tell you who's going to be here: Fran Lebowitz, a man
who sings backwards, David Feuer, and Eastern Airlines survivor Sandy Dix.
This woman was on flight 855, the Eastern thrill flight for seasoned travelers.
It's a little more expensive, but if you're just flying all the time.
Anyway, she'll be here.
Now, to me, every time I get on an airplane, this is me, where they glide for
about four miles and then turn on the engines.
She'll be here.
And what else?
Oh, Stupid Petrics.
That'll be Monday.
Well, if you've watched this show in the past couple of weeks, you know that we
have been running stuff over with a steamroller.
Now, we didn't start out with much, ladies and gentlemen, just an open stretch
of asphalt and a dream, that dream to crush one of every kind of object in the
world.
Now, six weeks later, perhaps it's a good time to look back and reflect on all
we've accomplished already, on how far we still have to go.
Take a look at this chart right here, ladies and gentlemen.
Sure, we're not there yet, but I don't know, I have a funny feeling we're going
to make it.
So, now, ladies and gentlemen, more stuff crushed by a steamroller.
One of those big, stupid drinks, like from a Polynesian restaurant.
Here you go, the Maidens Down Call from the Hawaii Time Restaurant, a personal
favorite of Don Ho's.
May I help you?
Yes, well, we all know now that the Earth is round, but I'd like to see what it
looked like before it was round, please.
You mean, when it was flat?
When it was flat.
Are you a student?
No.
Sure, I'd be happy to help you out, young man.
What the Earth looked like when it was flat?
Oh, no problem.
Well, that is pretty much the way Columbus proved that the Earth, in fact, is
round.
Yes, ma'am, may I help you?
Uh, yeah, my art project is due tomorrow, and I didn't get a chance to finish
it, and I don't--
Is there-- can you help me out on this?
You're from out of town, aren't you?
Uh, yes, I am.
Okay, uh, I'll be happy to.
Give me the paint.
We'll just put it down over here on the, uh, yeah.
This has to be good.
I'm supposed to get a piece.
Yeah.
All right, there you go.
Let me-- let me see.
We can-- there, I-- you can frame this right now.
My aunt is having her 30th wedding anniversary, and I was supposed to cater,
but I can't go.
Will you call it for me?
Uh, okay, uh, look, ma'am, we're not making any telephone calls today.
Uh, that-- that's something we do usually on Mondays when-- when we're out of
material.
Uh, uh, today we're busting stuff with a steamroller, I'm sorry.
Try and pay attention, please.
Yes, sir, may I help you?
Yeah, I-- I got this contour mat for Christmas, and it won't fold up right,
and I can't get it into the glove compartment.
So could you, uh, turn it into just a regular flat mat for me?
Yeah, the problem is this raised stuff on here, huh?
Right.
Yeah, okay.
We'll see what we can do.
You're from out of town, aren't you?
I don't know if we get it flattened or not, but it looks like we've added a few
new countries.
A whoopee cushion.
Actually, the brand name is Poo Poo Cushion, and since this is network TV, how
about five of 'em?
How about a meaningful political statement?
Labor, sports, small business, entertainment, all helpless victims of the steamroller
of inflation.
Sports escapes.
Sports is escaping. It hasn't been crashed.
We'll be back with Kenneth Morris, folks, right after this.
Now, just read this, and we'll see what else happens.
You know, sitting behind this desk hosting the show I call "Late Night", I've
come to learn that you can't please all the people all of the time, but when
you've got a steamroller running over things, you can come pretty damn close.
So, here now, another visit with our friend, the steamroller.
Last time you ran over Smurf, can you run over something cute like that again?
Sure.
How about for you lovable little fellow from outer space?
I'll be darned.
Look at there, there's one dime for a last phone call.
Yes, ma'am, what may I do for you?
Yeah, my grandmother gave me this knick-knacks shelf, and I hate this kind of
stuff.
It doesn't go in my house.
All right, and you would like us to...
Whatever.
Okay, we'll see what we can do.
Thank you very much.
I'll just take this over.
Okay, I think that teaches grandma to mind your own business.
I have a heart condition, could you run over something really dull?
All right, fine.
How about a bag of jelly beans?
But I must warn you, they're assorted.
I'm sick of that giant doorknob joke you do.
My whole family's sick of it.
I think it's got a lot more laughs in it.
No, I can't.
See, the reason that it's never worked so well is,
I don't feel people really understand that it's just plain big.
Well, at least if you won't do that, get rid of that car and truck rental song.
All right.
The car and truck rental song.
Don't worry, ladies and gentlemen, we still have the master locked safely.
Yes, sir.
What can we do for you?
I've got this can of sardines and mustard sauce and I can't open it.
The key is stuck.
It's dripping oil all over.
Yeah, I'm having a hell of a time.
And you really enjoy your sardines, don't you?
I love sardines.
I really love sa