Name: Paul Zimmerman on Letterman, March 24, 1983
Uploaded: 2016-06-08T02:19:27.000Z
Description: Watch the stand-up comedy video 'Paul Zimmerman on Letterman, March 24, 1983' from Don Giller on Comedy Buff. Published 2016-06-08. Transcript available.

Watch the stand-up comedy video 'Paul Zimmerman on Letterman, March 24, 1983' from Don Giller on Comedy Buff. Published 2016-06-08. Transcript available.

Hi there, welcome to the program. If you've seen a motion picture called The
King of Comedy,
it deals with a gentleman whose only desire in life is to perform stand-up
comedy on a late
night talk show. Tonight, on this program, we have the gentleman who wrote the
screenplay.
His name is Paul Zimmerman. And for the first time anywhere in America,
anywhere in North
America, Mr. Zimmerman is going to get a chance to perform stand-up comedy.
And he is, this is a first for him and for us. Please welcome now, the man who
wrote the
motion picture, The King of Comedy, Paul Zimmerman.
Thank you, thank you, thank you very much. Appreciate the applause, but I know
what you're
thinking. You're thinking, what is this ding-dong doing on national television?
I don't blame you. I mean, you people have certain standards for what you watch
on television,
and I want to tell you up front, I'm not going to be able to meet them. Sorry,
for one thing,
I do not have hemorrhoids. I know that's a popular show business gambit. You
get hemorrhoids,
you go national with them, coast to coast. Paul Zimmerman of Upper Makefield
talks about
his hemorrhoids. But I have no hemorrhoids to talk about. In fact, I don't lack
confidence
in my laxative. I have no disgusting personal habits to share with you. I'm
sorry if you're
disappointed in that, but you're thinking that maybe, just maybe, he's a deviant.
He's one
of those perverts. They play all the talk shows, and why not? It takes no
special talent.
All you have to do is, reach out, reach out, and touch someone. I think it's
sort of peculiar,
don't you, that the phone company is encouraging that kind of behavior.
That doesn't happen to be my case. I did call the Donahue show a couple of
weeks ago. I said,
how would you like the screenwriter of the King of Comedy on your show? And
they said,
fine, but we want to dress it up a little. We need a grabber, something a
little special,
you know? And I said, okay, anything you want. And they said, fine, you're
going to undergo a sex
change operation. We've never had a transsexual screenwriter on our show. And I
said, that's a
little much to ask for, you know, to promote a movie. But then, this happens to
writers all the
time. And I'm a team player, but that was before I found out what they do to
you. Do you know what
they do to you in those operations? Do you know? They chop your beard off. They
chop it right off.
And it doesn't grow back. Don't let them tell you it grows back because it
doesn't. Once it's gone,
that's it. And I thought, hey, I'm not ready to make that kind of commitment.
After all,
whoever heard of a screenwriter without a beard? So, where's the laugh machine?
I was told there was
going to be a laugh machine. At any rate, you're thinking, no disgusting
personal habits. They've
already had somebody balance something on his face. He's not a deviant. Maybe
he betrayed his country.
That's a popular way of getting on TV. Look at Watergate. That wasn't a break-in.
That was the
launching of a whole entertainment industry. Television shows, movies, movies,
movies, television
shows. Did you read where Richard Nixon is getting his own series on cable? How
many of you have
heard about that? I'm not kidding. Oh, you think that's terrific, huh? Actually,
they taped the first
show, and I hear it's very revealing, except somebody erased the first 18 and a
half minutes.
Thank you. Thank you so much. I really appreciate that. It wasn't me, but I
thought, you know,
if those guys can get on television, why not me? I'm a writer. I paid my dues.
You know, 18 years I've
been at it. Only reason you haven't heard of me before this is, I wouldn't sell
out. No, I would not sell
out. Not until now, anyway. You know, I went to work for Disney. You know Frosty
the snowman?
Anybody here? You've heard of him. You don't know my Frosty. Frosty in the big
rain? Frosty in the
angry snow shovel? You know those? Frosty goes to Miami? They said, that's much
too depressing. I said,
well, I'm not going to change it. So I sat down. I came up with something else.
A reindeer named Rudolph.
Yes, I am the creator of Rudolph the hard-nosed reindeer. Of Rudolph the hard-nosed
reindeer.
He's a very tough customer. You know, he still has that enormous electronic
deformity at the
end of his face. And the reindeer, they tease him. He still has, oh, the
reindeer, they tease
him. They cut him out. They beat him up. You know. You're my kind of crowd.
Nice and bloodthirsty. So, you
know, when Santa comes along, when Santa comes along, he thinks, you can make
it too good. When Santa comes
along, he thinks, you know, he's asking favors. He thinks, where was this guy
when they were beating
my brains out? Suddenly, he wants me to be a pilot. So he says, okay. Takes him
up 30,000 feet,
right into some bad weather. Shuts off the old schnods. Peels out. So long,
guys. You're on your
own. They're still somewhere over Siberia, those reindeer, looking for a place
to land. They say,
no good. Who's going to deliver the presents? I said, I don't care. I'm 44
years old. I'm not getting any
presents. They said, no, no. So I went back. I came up with one last character,
an extraterrestrial
who's cut off. That's right. I wrote the first version of E.T. You know, he
comes into the little
California town, except in my version, they don't help him. They eat him. You
know, you're like that
too. Good. I mean, they point him right to the microwave. They say, there's
your little spaceship.
So long. He winds up tasting. Please. Noah. In a minute. In a minute. There'll
be a break
in a minute. You know. He tastes a little like snapping turtle, as a matter of
fact. Tastes a
little like snapping turtle. Anyway, I'm glad I held out. The king of comedy
has been made.
I called up the Letterman show. I said, how would you like to have me on? They
said, yeah,
but we want to dress it up a little bit. I said, look, dress it up all you want.
Just don't chop it
off. They said, okay. They said, we're just going to ask you to do a little
stand-up comedy. And I
said, I've never done that before in my life. But then I thought, how else am I
going to get any
recognition? I mean, none of you's ever seen a live screenwriter before, have
you? Anybody here seen a
living, breathing screenwriter? Well, there's a few of you. You're supposed to
say no. Well, I figure,
you know, I'll go ahead with it. People will know who wrote the movie.
I figure, I figure, what do I have to lose? Better king for a night than for a
lifetime.
Thank you, ladies and gentlemen. This, of course, is Paul Zimmerman, the man
who wrote the terribly
successful motion picture, the king of comedy. And you've never done stand-up
comedy before.
Never in my life. And you can see why. Now, did you enjoy that experience?
Well, I feel a little like Carol Chessman. It's like sitting in the... It's
really very tough.
The one thing that you don't know is how to deal with an audience. As a writer,
you can write a
routine. That's right. But then there's a living, breathing crowd. They are
living and breathing.
This is a fine audience. Don't turn on this audience.
Now, how long did it take you to prepare the act?
Uh, two and a half weeks, 24 hours a day.
Yeah. Uh, and, and, and, uh, did you try it out on an audience before you did
this?
Yes, I did. And, uh, about half the stuff was thrown out. And that's the stuff
I used.
Now, which audience, where was, who was the audience?
There was, there was a, uh, premiere, a local premiere for the king of comedy.
And people,
uh, came. And then we had a reception afterwards. And, uh, I did it in front of
300 people.
Yeah. And, uh, it was okay. And, uh, I improved it. That was the improved
version, if you can
believe it. Yeah.
Can you imagine what those three all wanted their money back?
Uh, now you, in, in the screenplay, you had to write De Niro's stand-up.
Yeah, but that's for another character. That's the best monologue I could write
for somebody
who's strange, really strange, even stranger than I am, if that's possible to
believe.
And, uh, I wrote that in 1973.
The whole screenplay you wrote?
Yeah.
Yeah.
Now, uh, is there much of, uh, you in the character of, uh, Rupert?
Yeah, a lot, a lot is and a lot isn't, yeah.
Now, uh, has this been a burning desire for you to do stand-up comedy on TV for
a long time?
Used to be.
Used to be, yeah.
Uh, uh...
Just burned out. It's funny how fast that can happen.
And what have you, what have you learned from this experience, Paul?
Never to do it again, David.
Now, I'm glad I don't have to do this for a living, and I, you have my condolences.
Now, don't be, don't be discouraged by that reaction.
Uh, uh, it was, you know, it was very gallant and noble of you to give it a
shot,
and I, I appreciate you coming on the show, sir.
Thank you, thank you.
Paul Zimmerman, ladies and gentlemen.
We'll be right back.
Thank you very much, Bill.
Uh, we, uh, we've had to, uh, re-reschedule a visit with the actor who plays,
uh, Bud Melman
for another evening that will perhaps be next week.
Well, all right, we'll come over to your place and do it.
Uh, I want to thank my guest tonight, Mr. Paul Zimmerman.
Thanks again, Paul.
Uh, Klaus Kinski, uh, Edward Kennedy, you remember the man who balances things
on his face.
Paul Schaefer in the band, Mr. Bill Wendell.
Monday, Viva George Miller and Roger Korman.
Have a good weekend.
Good night.
Thank you.
I was watching the show about a week ago on a Thursday night, and he had this
real geeky looking guy with a beard.
He was a screenwriter, and he wrote some movie or something, and he thought he
was funny, and he just was awful, and it just kept going on and on and on.
Is there any way you could destroy all evidence of that ever happening?
Yeah, I'm glad you brought that up.
What you're talking about, last Thursday night, we had Paul Zimmerman on, the
man who wrote King of Comedy, and it was a desire of his all his life to do
comedy on a television show.
And if you stayed through it, you know that it was two things.
It was long, and it was awful.
So I'll be happy to take care of this for you.
The only existing videotape evidence of his appearance on our show.
Don't waste any time.
That was just a joke.
Only a little, just a little joke there.