Name: Steve Allen on Letterman, March 11, 1982
Uploaded: 2016-06-09T03:29:53.000Z
Description: Watch the stand-up comedy video 'Steve Allen on Letterman, March 11, 1982' from Don Giller on Comedy Buff. Published 2016-06-09. Transcript available.

Watch the stand-up comedy video 'Steve Allen on Letterman, March 11, 1982' from Don Giller on Comedy Buff. Published 2016-06-09. Transcript available.

Number two tape recorder, talking to number one tape recorder.
Want to be sure I get it? Kings of Comedy, chapter five.
You got that, Dawn? Chapter five.
With Curly's retirement in 1947, the Three Stooges faced a new crisis.
Telegram for Mr. Allen.
Telegram? Oh, thank you, sir.
Hold the tape recorders. Wait just a minute.
Let's just say...
Four desperate members of the Malibis Liberation Army
are holding the Turkish ambassador hostage.
They have one non-negotiable demand.
They want to speak to Steve Allen.
Signed, T. Feltzman.
Uh, okay.
Hello, operator?
Get me turkey.
And while you're at it, get some for yourself.
Just a second, Bob.
Hello?
Wow.
Is this the Malibis Liberation Army?
Actually, it is?
Well, I have one thing to say to you guys.
Shmug! Shmug!
- 30 seconds to air. - 30 seconds to air? Okay, fine. Bob, just a second. I'll
tell you what. I'm sorry, Operator. I was talking to somebody else.
Tell Dave to go out and do a joke about, you know, any little thing, the
destruction of the universe.
- Right. - Something like that. And then tell him to go to the desk and waste
some time with letters from viewers, do a commercial, and then introduce me.
Well, I'll finish this tune. Okay, cue the theme. I'm coming out. David?
- Thank you very much. Thank you, Paul. Welcome back to Woodstock, ladies and
gentlemen. What fun we're having.
My first guest, a fine composer, a musician, actor, author, and a pioneer in
the type of television we're doing now, it says here.
Please welcome Steve Allen.
Nice to see you, sir. - Thank you. It's nice to be seen.
Thank you very much for being here. I certainly appreciate it. This time slot
is now an hour later than the one that you started in, isn't it?
So it would appear, yes.
What I meant by that was the original Tonight Show came on here at 11:30.
Yes, live. As a matter of fact, at one point we were starting at 11:15 because
it had been a local show before it was a network show.
And we still had to do 50 minutes of that and then the 90 minutes, which adds
up to a lot of minutes.
Now, what did you do before the Tonight Show? How did you get the job?
I had done essentially the same sort of things on CBS for three or four years
and for CBS and radio in Los Angeles.
Now, what was occupying that space before the Tonight Show came on?
There was a show called Broadway Open House. And before that, I don't know. I
wasn't in New York before that.
And what kinds of things were you doing? Because everybody says to you, Steve
Allen is the one who started this particular form.
That's just because I did it first. Seriously. If you had done it first, you
would have done that same kind of stuff.
But what were you doing? You had a...
Sort of like what you do here. I would go out with the studio audience with a
hand mic sometimes and talk to people.
I would read letters, as you just did, from... As a matter of fact, you're
under arrest.
Sometimes, seriously, people say, you know, hey, you did that stuff and then
other people did...
It was actually because I was there first. Because I think everybody would have
gotten around to the same general kinds of things on this Lucy show.
And we have some press releases that I inadvertently left in my office.
Oh, here they are now. Speaking of inadvertent... Press releases of what? About
what? About the press.
About the original Tonight Show. And I wanted to ask you a couple of questions
about the show.
No kidding.
First here, it makes reference to your band leader, Skitch Henderson.
Yes.
And it said that he had grown a beard that became a fad among college boys, and
they called their beards Skitchers.
That has never previously been brought to my attention, but I have no reason to
contest the...
Talk about being under arrest.
Also, Gene Rayburn had hepatitis.
Yes, I recall that.
Yeah. He's better now.
Says that on page two. But he did the weather.
Yes. I must explain that.
The show was an enormous hit during its first year, during which, I repeat, it
was a local program.
It was a smash. And because it was a smash, the NBC people said, "We must put
this fine program on the network."
So I said, "Fine. Who's going to stop you?"
And then they said, "However, we think we should make a few changes."
And I said, "Changes in a hit?" And they said, "Yes."
I said, "What do you have in mind?" Because you should always keep your mind
open.
Now, the show was 90 minutes of rip-roaring comedy, right?
And that's why they wanted to put it on the network.
So they said, "Well, we thought a nice weather report."
That's true.
I said, "You mean a funny, a musical weather report? A musical report with
naked women or something?"
And they said, "No, just a straight weather report."
That's so strange.
Yeah. And believe it or not, for a few weeks, they actually had a weather
report which would stop everything in its tracks.
Yeah, yeah.
And then they finally got embarrassed and stopped that.
So you were actually lucky that Rayburn came down with hepatitis.
Yeah.
In the long run, it turned out better.
They had another thing they insisted on having was ski condition reports.
Yeah.
Now, not even today, very many American skis, statistically speaking.
And in 1954, there were about nine skiers in the whole country.
Yeah.
It's valuable for places like Oklahoma, Kansas, that area.
Right.
We're going to interrupt here and perhaps we'll be back.
With a ski report.
With a ski report.
Yeah, with a ski report.
Thank you very much.
Hi, and welcome back to the proceedings.
You, of course, know Mr. Steve Allen.
Before we go on, do we have some fascinating footage from one of your other old
shows?
You're the only guest who has ever brought his own noisemakers, and I certainly
appreciate that.
Well, the least I can do.
As a matter of fact, there are more here than noisemakers.
I do impressions.
I don't know if that's ever been brought to your attention.
No, it has not.
Would you like to see one?
I certainly would.
All right.
That will require a close-up of the table surface in this area.
And as soon as I see a close-up, I'll go into my first impression, ladies and
gentlemen.
You ready?
Okay.
My impression of Claude Rains and the Invisible Man, ladies and gentlemen.
That's amazing.
That's amazing.
Truly amazing.
Now, do you actually, as a grown human adult, do you travel with these things?
Yes.
Yes.
Do you pull them out in other occasions?
Rarely, but there was a reason, a rationale, why we did that originally.
I happened to be present when television first started to get dirty.
Television now is dirty.
Occasionally, there's a little clean stuff on it, but not too often.
And when I first noticed that happening, I thought, I must take a position
against this.
You must fight the whatever.
Fight the filth?
Yes.
So, that's good.
Thank you.
Fight the filth.
So anyway, I had a police whistle at one time, but a policeman stole it.
Which is another problem.
And then, when anybody would say anything off color, I'd go, here now.
That's right.
And if something was really raunchy, I would lay a little .
Yeah, yeah.
But that sounded like I was approving it, so that didn't work out too well.
Well, it's wonderful work, and I'm proud to be associated with the man who's
doing it.
Now, your other, the show that I, of course, remember and am still a large fan
of, and as I told you, I spent a lot of my day watching old videotapes of this,
was a show done for Westinghouse and syndicated all over the United States.
62, 63, 64, yes.
And the thing that caused, to this day, you say, the most comment and
discussion is you getting into a vat of...
Yes, it's weird when I am accosted by young men in the street. I am frequently
accosted by young men. Unfortunately, very few young women.
But they very often bring up the night that I jumped into Jell-O, or the night
I was covered with tea bags and was dumped into a big vat of hot water.
That's right. And we have the Jell-O epic here on videotape. Take a look at the
monitors. Mr. Steve Allen, fully suited.
This does not require talent. This is just embarrassing.
Howdy. Thank you very much. Good evening. Well, as those of you know who have
been watching the show for the last year or so, we have done a lot of peculiar
stunts on the program at one time or another.
But I think tonight we're gonna top them all. And this may be the last one we'll
ever do, too. You see here what the gang has whipped up for me tonight.
I guess everybody's always wondered what it would feel like to jump into a pool
full of gelatin. Right?
I don't want to go in. I want my mommy. And all the big boys jump in. I want to
go home and go to bed.
I don't want to go in!
Should I go under? Should I go under?
I'll try to go under, but I don't know if I can. You're not going to push me in.
Put your face to the front.
And hand in your notice at the back.
I'll try to go under, but I don't know if I can.
Hey!
Truly a great moment in American Broadcasting. We'll be right back with Steve
Allen.
Hi there. Not only did you jump into the Jell-O, I thought the suit was a nice
touch.
That was what we used to call my Hong Kong suit.
I had bought some cheap suits in Hong Kong. Nice, but cheap.
And I knew I was in trouble physically when they would come to the dressing
room before the show and say,
"Put on a Hong Kong suit."
That meant I was going to be covered with chocolate sauce or something.
It's amazing. It looks like it must have been disgusting.
It was truly revolting.
Or icky, as we say.
And we have to pause here for station identification.
We'll be back to say many, many more things.
Hi there.
Welcome back to the show, or extravaganza as it's rapidly becoming a known,
Steve Allen.
Now, as an adult, well you were an adult then, but would you be jumping into Jell-O
these days?
I would not consider it beneath my dignity.
Anything for a laugh is my motto.
Oh, is it really?
Yeah.
What can I tell you?
No, I don't know.
There must be something that would be beneath my dignity.
But there is a separate part of me that is basically Jell-O jumping something.
Yeah, there's something about watching you jump into a vat of Jell-O that makes
it seem okay.
Whereas I can think of other folks getting into Jell-O and you'd go, "Oh, this
is cartoon time."
It's too silly if Jerry Lewis jumped into Jell-O, you mean.
Yeah, yeah, right.
Yeah.
I see what you mean.
It wouldn't work.
And she used to be one of the best.
That's true.
But it's my Eric Severide side that makes it seem inappropriate for me to be
jumping into Jell-O.
And hence...
I'm sorry.
This is going to be one of the most awkward transitions anyone has ever made in
North American television,
but I'm going to do it nonetheless.
This book that you have recently authored, "Beloved Son: A Story of the Jesus Cults."
What can you tell us of this work?
Well, I can tell you it's for sale.
In bookstores all across...
Cut that out!
All across this great land of ours, as you were saying.
No, it is a serious book, although there are some laughs in it,
largely because I relate some of the amusing things that my son Brian, who is
now an adult of 35, said when he was growing up.
And about 11 years ago, seriously, I got a letter from my son telling me that
he had changed his name and had joined a religious community and was turning
his back on the world, which we assumed meant us, and at that time which did.
So the book is the story of the last 11 years of our relationship and how it
has evolved, and then I draw back and take a broader view of many of the
religious cults, as they're called.
Now this was a common experience for a lot of people, and may still be.
It still is, yes, thousands of families are affected.
Brian's group happens to be a rather small one, only maybe 250 or 300 people,
but there are large groups, the Scientologists, the Hare Krishna, the Munis,
and so forth, children of God.
And that must have been a devastation for you at the time, huh?
Well, the part of it that hurt was his, as I say, saying goodbye to us,
apparently permanently, although that turned out not to be the case,
fortunately.
We took no real exception on principle to his religious conversion, we are a
Christian family ourselves, and we knew nothing about his religion, so we could
be neither for it or against it in the early stages.
But it's too long to go into here, but anyway, that's what the book deals with.
Okay, and you're at Michael's Pub in New York City for anyone planning a
vacation?
Yes, for those of you who do, well, actually, no sense plugging that, I don't
think you can get in, I'm only there for three more nights and they're sold out,
but it's been more fun than I've had doing anything in a long time.
Just playing jazz and having a lot of fun.
Fist fights, a lot of drinking?
Oh yeah, several people pass out cold in the men's room every night.
I'm always excited to be with you anywhere, and I appreciate you being here
with us tonight.
My pleasure.
And if you want to hang around, we're going to introduce a brand new hot
property here for NBC, if I can find the correct card.
I guess I have it right here.
When you work in television, people always say to you, you ought to do a show
about where I work.
Boy, the crazy things that go on down there.
With that in mind, we went down to the NBC mail room here in the RCA building
on the second floor to put together a promo for a show that might just be able
to pull NBC out of its mid-season ratings slump.
If you like the police department addicts of Barney Miller and the newspaper
world intrigue of Lou Grant, you're in for a real treat this fall when you meet
the wacky bunch on mail room.
You'll meet Jim, the manager of the entire mail room.
I'm the manager of the entire mail room.
And Rose, who's always up to something.
Uh, someone could be looking for a letter, and you have to search for it, or
somebody might be looking for some package that came in.
And Frank, a mail room veteran who knows the city like a book.
I live in the city, so I know the city like a book.
That's right, the fun begins when Jim, a likable young newcomer, joins the
staff.
It's my first week here.
I wrote a song about it this week, too.
Oh, you did?
Yeah.
Too bad we don't have time for it, but there'll be plenty of time each week on
mail room.
You gotta start somewhere, you gotta start sometime, you gotta start somewhere,
sometime.
So I'm starting out in the mail room.
We fool around, I mean, this is not a, you know, I have to take the job real
serious.
Gonna work my way from the bottom to the top.
Yes, I'm starting out in the mail room.
Yes, we think you're gonna like life at the bottom with this kooky bunch on
mail room.
Oh, everybody's really good, I really like everybody.
There's never a dull moment and plenty of romance.
Nah, I'm a merry guy, I don't wanna get in no trouble.
We had a wild guy who had wild hair.
We were like a caveman, that's about the most exciting thing that happened in
the mail room profile.
Talk about excitement on the NBC hit series mail room.
Actually, this is not my job, I'm too short for this.
Hey, look, got any stamps left over?
And you know, once I get started, I won't stop, I won't stop.
And neither will the laughs on mail room cause everybody's funny.
There's nobody actually funny, everybody just got a good sense of humor.
That's mail room, Mondays at 9, right after Little House.
We'll be right back with filmmaker Howard Smith.
We'll be right back with filmmaker Howard Smith.

Steve Allen on Letterman, March 11, 1982

Number two tape recorder, talking to number one tape recorder.
Want to be sure I get it? Kings of Comedy, chapter five.
You got that, Dawn? Chapter five.
With Curly's retirement in 1947, the Three Stooges faced a new crisis.
Telegram for Mr. Allen.
Telegram? Oh, thank you, sir.
Hold the tape recorders. Wait just a minute.
Let's just say...
Four desperate members of the Malibis Liberation Army
are holding the Turkish ambassador hostage.
They have one non-negotiable demand.
They want to speak to Steve Allen.
Signed, T. Feltzman.
Uh, okay.
Hello, operator?
Get me turkey.
And while you're at it, get some for yourself.
Just a second, Bob.
Hello?
Wow.
Is this the Malibis Liberation Army?
Actually, it is?
Well, I have one thing to say to you guys.
Shmug! Shmug!
- 30 seconds to air. - 30 seconds to air? Okay, fine. Bob, just a second. I'll
tell you what. I'm sorry, Operator. I was talking to somebody else.
Tell Dave to go out and do a joke about, you know, any little thing, the
destruction of the universe.
- Right. - Something like that. And then tell him to go to the desk and waste
some time with letters from viewers, do a commercial, and then introduce me.
Well, I'll finish this tune. Okay, cue the theme. I'm coming out. David?
- Thank you very much. Thank you, Paul. Welcome back to Woodstock, ladies and
gentlemen. What fun we're having.
My first guest, a fine composer, a musician, actor, author, and a pioneer in
the type of television we're doing now, it says here.
Please welcome Steve Allen.
Nice to see you, sir. - Thank you. It's nice to be seen.
Thank you very much for being here. I certainly appreciate it. This time slot
is now an hour later than the one that you started in, isn't it?
So it would appear, yes.
What I meant by that was the original Tonight Show came on here at 11:30.
Yes, live. As a matter of fact, at one point we were starting at 11:15 because
it had been a local show before it was a network show.
And we still had to do 50 minutes of that and then the 90 minutes, which adds
up to a lot of minutes.
Now, what did you do before the Tonight Show? How did you get the job?
I had done essentially the same sort of things on CBS for three or four years
and for CBS and radio in Los Angeles.
Now, what was occupying that space before the Tonight Show came on?
There was a show called Broadway Open House. And before that, I don't know. I
wasn't in New York before that.
And what kinds of things were you doing? Because everybody says to you, Steve
Allen is the one who started this particular form.
That's just because I did it first. Seriously. If you had done it first, you
would have done that same kind of stuff.
But what were you doing? You had a...
Sort of like what you do here. I would go out with the studio audience with a
hand mic sometimes and talk to people.
I would read letters, as you just did, from... As a matter of fact, you're
under arrest.
Sometimes, seriously, people say, you know, hey, you did that stuff and then
other people did...
It was actually because I was there first. Because I think everybody would have
gotten around to the same general kinds of things on this Lucy show.
And we have some press releases that I inadvertently left in my office.
Oh, here they are now. Speaking of inadvertent... Press releases of what? About
what? About the press.
About the original Tonight Show. And I wanted to ask you a couple of questions
about the show.
No kidding.
First here, it makes reference to your band leader, Skitch Henderson.
Yes.
And it said that he had grown a beard that became a fad among college boys, and
they called their beards Skitchers.
That has never previously been brought to my attention, but I have no reason to
contest the...
Talk about being under arrest.
Also, Gene Rayburn had hepatitis.
Yes, I recall that.
Yeah. He's better now.
Says that on page two. But he did the weather.
Yes. I must explain that.
The show was an enormous hit during its first year, during which, I repeat, it
was a local program.
It was a smash. And because it was a smash, the NBC people said, "We must put
this fine program on the network."
So I said, "Fine. Who's going to stop you?"
And then they said, "However, we think we should make a few changes."
And I said, "Changes in a hit?" And they said, "Yes."
I said, "What do you have in mind?" Because you should always keep your mind
open.
Now, the show was 90 minutes of rip-roaring comedy, right?
And that's why they wanted to put it on the network.
So they said, "Well, we thought a nice weather report."
That's true.
I said, "You mean a funny, a musical weather report? A musical report with
naked women or something?"
And they said, "No, just a straight weather report."
That's so strange.
Yeah. And believe it or not, for a few weeks, they actually had a weather
report which would stop everything in its tracks.
Yeah, yeah.
And then they finally got embarrassed and stopped that.
So you were actually lucky that Rayburn came down with hepatitis.
Yeah.
In the long run, it turned out better.
They had another thing they insisted on having was ski condition reports.
Yeah.
Now, not even today, very many American skis, statistically speaking.
And in 1954, there were about nine skiers in the whole country.
Yeah.
It's valuable for places like Oklahoma, Kansas, that area.
Right.
We're going to interrupt here and perhaps we'll be back.
With a ski report.
With a ski report.
Yeah, with a ski report.
Thank you very much.
Hi, and welcome back to the proceedings.
You, of course, know Mr. Steve Allen.
Before we go on, do we have some fascinating footage from one of your other old
shows?
You're the only guest who has ever brought his own noisemakers, and I certainly
appreciate that.
Well, the least I can do.
As a matter of fact, there are more here than noisemakers.
I do impressions.
I don't know if that's ever been brought to your attention.
No, it has not.
Would you like to see one?
I certainly would.
All right.
That will require a close-up of the table surface in this area.
And as soon as I see a close-up, I'll go into my first impression, ladies and
gentlemen.
You ready?
Okay.
My impression of Claude Rains and the Invisible Man, ladies and gentlemen.
That's amazing.
That's amazing.
Truly amazing.
Now, do you actually, as a grown human adult, do you travel with these things?
Yes.
Yes.
Do you pull them out in other occasions?
Rarely, but there was a reason, a rationale, why we did that originally.
I happened to be present when television first started to get dirty.
Television now is dirty.
Occasionally, there's a little clean stuff on it, but not too often.
And when I first noticed that happening, I thought, I must take a position
against this.
You must fight the whatever.
Fight the filth?
Yes.
So, that's good.
Thank you.
Fight the filth.
So anyway, I had a police whistle at one time, but a policeman stole it.
Which is another problem.
And then, when anybody would say anything off color, I'd go, here now.
That's right.
And if something was really raunchy, I would lay a little .
Yeah, yeah.
But that sounded like I was approving it, so that didn't work out too well.
Well, it's wonderful work, and I'm proud to be associated with the man who's
doing it.
Now, your other, the show that I, of course, remember and am still a large fan
of, and as I told you, I spent a lot of my day watching old videotapes of this,
was a show done for Westinghouse and syndicated all over the United States.
62, 63, 64, yes.
And the thing that caused, to this day, you say, the most comment and
discussion is you getting into a vat of...
Yes, it's weird when I am accosted by young men in the street. I am frequently
accosted by young men. Unfortunately, very few young women.
But they very often bring up the night that I jumped into Jell-O, or the night
I was covered with tea bags and was dumped into a big vat of hot water.
That's right. And we have the Jell-O epic here on videotape. Take a look at the
monitors. Mr. Steve Allen, fully suited.
This does not require talent. This is just embarrassing.
Howdy. Thank you very much. Good evening. Well, as those of you know who have
been watching the show for the last year or so, we have done a lot of peculiar
stunts on the program at one time or another.
But I think tonight we're gonna top them all. And this may be the last one we'll
ever do, too. You see here what the gang has whipped up for me tonight.
I guess everybody's always wondered what it would feel like to jump into a pool
full of gelatin. Right?
I don't want to go in. I want my mommy. And all the big boys jump in. I want to
go home and go to bed.
I don't want to go in!
Should I go under? Should I go under?
I'll try to go under, but I don't know if I can. You're not going to push me in.
Put your face to the front.
And hand in your notice at the back.
I'll try to go under, but I don't know if I can.
Hey!
Truly a great moment in American Broadcasting. We'll be right back with Steve
Allen.
Hi there. Not only did you jump into the Jell-O, I thought the suit was a nice
touch.
That was what we used to call my Hong Kong suit.
I had bought some cheap suits in Hong Kong. Nice, but cheap.
And I knew I was in trouble physically when they would come to the dressing
room before the show and say,
"Put on a Hong Kong suit."
That meant I was going to be covered with chocolate sauce or something.
It's amazing. It looks like it must have been disgusting.
It was truly revolting.
Or icky, as we say.
And we have to pause here for station identification.
We'll be back to say many, many more things.
Hi there.
Welcome back to the show, or extravaganza as it's rapidly becoming a known,
Steve Allen.
Now, as an adult, well you were an adult then, but would you be jumping into Jell-O
these days?
I would not consider it beneath my dignity.
Anything for a laugh is my motto.
Oh, is it really?
Yeah.
What can I tell you?
No, I don't know.
There must be something that would be beneath my dignity.
But there is a separate part of me that is basically Jell-O jumping something.
Yeah, there's something about watching you jump into a vat of Jell-O that makes
it seem okay.
Whereas I can think of other folks getting into Jell-O and you'd go, "Oh, this
is cartoon time."
It's too silly if Jerry Lewis jumped into Jell-O, you mean.
Yeah, yeah, right.
Yeah.
I see what you mean.
It wouldn't work.
And she used to be one of the best.
That's true.
But it's my Eric Severide side that makes it seem inappropriate for me to be
jumping into Jell-O.
And hence...
I'm sorry.
This is going to be one of the most awkward transitions anyone has ever made in
North American television,
but I'm going to do it nonetheless.
This book that you have recently authored, "Beloved Son: A Story of the Jesus Cults."
What can you tell us of this work?
Well, I can tell you it's for sale.
In bookstores all across...
Cut that out!
All across this great land of ours, as you were saying.
No, it is a serious book, although there are some laughs in it,
largely because I relate some of the amusing things that my son Brian, who is
now an adult of 35, said when he was growing up.
And about 11 years ago, seriously, I got a letter from my son telling me that
he had changed his name and had joined a religious community and was turning
his back on the world, which we assumed meant us, and at that time which did.
So the book is the story of the last 11 years of our relationship and how it
has evolved, and then I draw back and take a broader view of many of the
religious cults, as they're called.
Now this was a common experience for a lot of people, and may still be.
It still is, yes, thousands of families are affected.
Brian's group happens to be a rather small one, only maybe 250 or 300 people,
but there are large groups, the Scientologists, the Hare Krishna, the Munis,
and so forth, children of God.
And that must have been a devastation for you at the time, huh?
Well, the part of it that hurt was his, as I say, saying goodbye to us,
apparently permanently, although