Name: Amazing Stories on Letterman, September 30, 1985
Uploaded: 2016-06-11T02:14:34.000Z
Description: Watch the stand-up comedy video 'Amazing Stories on Letterman, September 30, 1985' from Don Giller on Comedy Buff. Published 2016-06-11. Transcript available.

Watch the stand-up comedy video 'Amazing Stories on Letterman, September 30, 1985' from Don Giller on Comedy Buff. Published 2016-06-11. Transcript available.

Very nice.
Mark Knopfler and our band will be performing a number soon.
Folks, we're just halfway through our first show tonight.
We, of course, have a second show at 12.30 tonight.
On that program will be Johnny Carson, Lee Marvin, Tom Bradley, and Eddie Van
Halen.
Then at 1.30, the studio will be used as a hurricane shelter.
We'll have magazines, blankets, soup, donuts, and flu shots.
So try to stop by if you can.
Tomorrow, Betty White will be here.
Comedian Johnny Dark and, can this be true, Mark Gastineau?
Yes.
Oh, Mark Gastineau, New York Jets defensive end, will be joining us.
That's tomorrow.
Folks, even in an orderly, all-too-rational world,
we can encounter things that simply defy logical explanation.
That's true of the Gatlin brothers, and it's certainly true.
Only a joke.
It's certainly true of the next segment,
the first installment of David Letterman's Amazing Stories
Tonight, our first amazing story takes place in the world of children,
and we needed a director who was still in touch with the child inside him,
and that director is our own Hal Gurney.
Let's watch tonight's first amazing story,
entitled,
They're Here.
What is it, Jimmy?
Dad, out there, they're here.
Oh, Jimmy, Jimmy, there's nobody here, there's nobody here at all.
Look, let me show you.
You see, there's no flying saucers, there's no space aliens from another planet.
Look, it's just these silly little pie plates suspended by these strings
outside your window.
It's the oldest special effect trick in the books.
Don't you feel a little silly now, son?
Yes, Dad.
Okay, you go back to sleep.
All righty.
Good night, Jimmy.
Take care.
But, Dad!
Why are there pie plates hanging in the strings outside your window?
Well, Jimmy, there's a perfectly good explanation for that as well.
Here, take a look at the headlines in today's Daily News.
You see that?
Pie plate psycho escapes from mental home.
You see, son, there's a deranged psychopath loose in the neighborhood.
That's all it is.
You feel better?
Okay.
Good night.
Go back to sleep.
See you tomorrow.
Okay.
I'll be downstairs with the babysitter.
That was me playing the dad.
Our next story will leave you asking, what would I have done, and isn't that
the best kind of story?
This episode was directed by a true master of the unusual and bizarre, Hal Gurney.
Let's watch The Message.
Gee, my gosh, what a great-looking dog.
How you doing, buddy?
Somebody just leave you out here?
What the heck?
What do you say you come home with me, and I'll fix you a nice meal, okay?
Oh, great.
I'll just have whatever you're having.
By the way, the name's Scooter.
Hey, wait a minute.
You're one of those talking dogs, aren't you?
Yeah, come on.
I'll tell you about it.
It's a long story.
Yeah, okay.
Why not?
Come on.
Let's go.
So, how is it you know how to talk?
Okay, listen carefully.
I've been given the power of speech because I have a message of utmost
importance to the future of all mankind.
It's extremely urgent, and I must be heard.
You've got to put me on your show.
Yeah, wait a minute.
This is one of those Dick Clark things.
No, I'm not.
One of those blooper practical deals.
You see a camera?
You see a camera anywhere?
You see Ed McMahon?
No, I guess not.
Okay, then.
Come on.
It's on the way.
Look.
Well, just say I'm on that, what do you call it, dumb animal tricks.
I don't know.
I could get in an awful lot of trouble for this.
What's the matter?
You chicken?
No, no.
I'm not chicken.
All right, let's go.
Come on.
All right.
Come on.
Ladies and gentlemen, I know you're all wondering why I'm being broadcast
tonight on all three television networks.
It's because I've arranged for a very special guest to be with us tonight, who
I feel has
a message of great importance for all mankind.
Please pay close attention.
Scooter?
All right.
How are you folks doing tonight?
Everybody feeling pretty good?
I'm from Cleveland originally.
Anybody else here from Cleveland?
Okay, then I'll speak very slowly.
I love New York, but I love Los Angeles, too.
A bum came up to me on the street in Los Angeles and said, hey, pal, can I have
50 cents for
a cup of coffee?
And I said to him, why would I have 50 cents?
I'm a dog.
Thank you.
Thank you very much, ladies and gentlemen.
You're beautiful.
Thank you.
I love you.
Good night.
That's not exactly what we had hoped for, but I'll tell you what, we'll do a
commercial
and then we'll be right back.
What the hell was that?
What exactly is that?
What happened to the message about saving mankind and the human race and all
that stuff?
What's going on here?
Well, you know, I've never been on TV before.
I just froze.
I went right to the A material.
You froze?
Yeah, but you're going to have me back on, aren't you?
Look, you've got to have me back.
I promise to get to that next time.
You make me look like a jerk.
I, uh...
No, no, you didn't look like a jerk.
Look, come on, let's go have a beer, huh?
What do you say?
Amazing stories.
Now...
Our final story tonight needed a director of unusual power and scope.
We were lucky enough to get Martin Scorsese.
Unfortunately, Mr. Scorsese developed a strep throat.
And her own Hal Gurney had a little clam on his hands.
And, well, the rest is television history.
Let's enjoy The Last Man in the World.
Humanity has come to this.
I, Larry Bud Momin,
am the last man in the world.
What did I expect?
Helltown?
I'd better head into China and pick up some supplies.
It was a beautiful civilization.
It gave us Mozart,
It gave us Mozart,
Da Vinci,
Robert Guillaume.
There's still plenty of provisions left.
Pop-tarts,
peanuts,
the dry loop.
Oh, and toothpaste.
Hey, pal.
You're gonna pay for that, or what?
Why should I?
I'm the last man in the world.
Someday, they'll find the remains of our world.
They'll say we had everything.
Everything but enough love.
Oh, I could use some dye gel.
Well, there we have it.
Amazing story.
We'll be right back with Mark Knoppler and the band,
and, oh, Mark Robert is here to be right.
Thank you.
We'll be right back with Mark Knoppler and the band.