Name: Johnny Dark on Letterman, October 1, 1985
Uploaded: 2016-06-16T02:46:16.000Z
Description: Watch the stand-up comedy video 'Johnny Dark on Letterman, October 1, 1985' from Don Giller on Comedy Buff. Published 2016-06-16. Transcript available. Johnny Dark's first appearance on Late Night.

Watch the stand-up comedy video 'Johnny Dark on Letterman, October 1, 1985' from Don Giller on Comedy Buff. Published 2016-06-16. Transcript available. Johnny Dark's first appearance on Late Night.

Thanks, Paul. My next guest will be opening for Engelbert Humperdinck on
October 3rd at the
Carlton Club in Green Bay, Wisconsin. Please welcome a very funny man, Mr.
Johnny Dark. Johnny!
All right. Yeah. Oh, thank you very much. I'm very happy to be here. Probably
in the, I don't know, the most exciting city in the world. You think so? Yeah?
I always get so homesick. See, I was raised by my grandmother and grandfather
in Philadelphia, Pennsylvania. Italian people. Hey! How about them Phillies,
huh? Yeah, they'll be tough next
season. They were playing Little League. Now, I was raised by grandmom and
grandpa, but in Philadelphia, which is very similar to this. And when you're
raised by your
grandparents, it's not anything like mom and dad. See, mom and dad love you.
Grandparents possess you. They're like crazy glue, you know? Once you get them
on you, you cannot get them off. My grandmother could keep me around
the house all day long and give me guilt. She could find sneaky ways to keep me
around the house. Especially when I had to go out. It'd be like, "Johnny!
Johnny! Before you go out, throw me a favor. Paint the house."
She was an expert at giving guilt, man. She would tutor the Jewish grandmothers
in the neighborhood. I think we all go through that a little bit, though. I
mean, how many times in your own families have you heard this kind of guilt?
Grandma? Grandma? Grandma, I gotta go out now. Are you okay? She goes, "I don't
know, Johnny. I'm gonna feel too good. But you go out. Go ahead. Go out! Don't
worry about me. I'll just stay home. Slip into a coma."
I don't know. Grandparents can be tough, especially on a telephone, boy. But
the secret is they throw you off balance because they start off so sweet.
It's like, "Johnny, how's your two children, them darlings? Good. Johnny, how's
your ex-wife, Red Pig? You tell Porky I said hello."
Actually, I am raising two children with the help of my ex-wife. We are best
friends and we're raising kids together. Isn't that a good idea?
I think so. And I think the hardest thing about raising kids, for me, is taking
them to see movies that they want to see over and over.
My son's favorite movies are karate movies. Probably the most vicious movies
you'll ever see, not to mention stupid.
You've heard those advertisements on the radio. They shot his mother, they shot
his father, and they butchered his dog.
And now they're back. And they want to borrow his van.
See Chuck Norris, Clint Eastwood, and Boy George starring in The Good, The Bad,
and The Whatever.
There's too much violence in movies. When are they going to stop making these
Friday the 13th films?
This guy's killed everybody in Idaho and Colorado. The lake is full.
Jason is back. This one kid makes the Mafia seem like the Osmond family.
And there's always sequel after sequel. And they con you into thinking this
will be the last movie by the title.
Friday the 13th. The final chapter.
Part 6.
They're doing that with Conan films now. Conan the Barbarian. Conan the Destroyer.
The movie I'm waiting for is Conan the actor.
That's the joke.
I mean, I'm a single parent, and I'm really serious when I say there's a lot of
violence.
There's a new movie out called Future Killing or something.
And the promotion advertisement for this logo movie reads, "The stars of the
Texas Chainsaw Massacre are back."
Oh, thank God.
Who needs garble? Forget about Cary Grant. It's just good to know that Black
and Decker are working again.
Soap operas drive me crazy with all this permissive sex.
It's so unrealistic. I mean, once on Dynasty, I want to see two people go to
bed just to get a good night's sleep.
And the women on those shows, boy, they make love at the drop of a hat.
Come on, ladies. What happened to the old-fashioned headache?
That sucker's alive and well at my house.
Not tonight, John. I've got a headache.
Well, I've got aspirins.
One thing ladies love to do on soap operas is have babies, but by men other
than their husbands.
They do this all the time. It's a hobby.
And they always tell this poor geek, 20 years after the fact, it's like,
"Oh, Ralphie, I've got to be honest and tell you that our four children,
you're not the real father. The real father are the Oak Ridge boys."
No, it's true. Women cry on every soap opera, especially when they're admitting,
you know, infidelities to their husband.
It's always that big scene at the end of the show. It's like,
"All right!"
"All right!"
It was an intense night. It was in the heat of passion and I slipped.
And I went all the way.
And I made love to your friend, Tony.
His brother, Tommy.
Ernest and Julie O'Gallo.
And Orville Rettenbacher.
"Oh, I popped his cork."
"Oh, I popped his cork."
Okay. Very nice job, Johnny.
Isn't that nice of the guys who play, for me they played Changes, which is by
Buddy Miles.
Thanks, guys. That was great.
I'm my next drummer is why I said that.
Nice to have you here. Come back anytime.
My thanks also to Mark Gastineau and Betty White.
Tomorrow, folks, Sybil Shepard will not be here.
Jeff Altman and John Larroquette will be here.
Have a nice evening. Good night, folks.