Name: Opening Remarks, Viewer Mail on Letterman, October 24, 1985
Uploaded: 2016-06-17T01:01:08.000Z
Description: Watch the stand-up comedy video 'Opening Remarks, Viewer Mail on Letterman, October 24, 1985' from Don Giller on Comedy Buff. Published 2016-06-17. Transcript available.

Watch the stand-up comedy video 'Opening Remarks, Viewer Mail on Letterman, October 24, 1985' from Don Giller on Comedy Buff. Published 2016-06-17. Transcript available.

Thank you very much.
Thank you. The boys and I would now like to do some early Bruce 10th Avenue
freeze-out.
Here we go. One, two, one, two, three, four.
Thank you. Thank you very much.
You know, I guess you can't tell by looking at me, but I'm a little disturbed.
Something was called to my attention today that I'm kind of hot about it.
Not one single cast member from Hee Haw.
Not one single cast member from Hee Haw.
Not one single cast member from Hee Haw has ever appeared on the cover of Jet
magazine.
Nor will one single cast member ever appear on the cover.
Probably not. No, probably not.
Well, I guess we have a lot of...
Boy, I am beat, by the way.
What with this UN anniversary and this marathon coming up?
I'm exhausted.
Anyway, good news for people who ride the subways, good news for people from
out of town.
You come to New York City, you get on the subway, and you're always taken aback
by that sign that says,
No spitting.
Well, the Transit Authority, beginning December 1st, has announced all cars
will be...
What is the word?
Equipped.
Equipped.
Each car, beginning December 1st, each car will have its own spitting section.
You know, your brain is full of synapses, or partially full.
I guess about a third of it is synapses, and two-thirds of it or something else.
And the synapses are those gaps that the sparks have to leap to get words like
equipped out.
And that particular synapses is about 18 inches for me.
So, out-of-towners, you're looking for a cheap place to eat.
You're in luck this morning.
The New York Daily News did a poll on the cheapest place to eat in New York
City.
Interesting little place in the East Village.
Maybe you've eaten down there, Paul.
It's 75 cents all you can eat.
It's the East Village Roadkill Smorgasbord.
Well, I'll just go back here now, and I'll just be right over here.
I'll be at the desk, Paul.
Why don't you tell them who you are, and cover me.
I'll be here at the desk.
You'll be over there.
I'm Paul Schaefer.
You're a musical conductor.
Yeah, sure.
Thank you.
I wanted to...
I wanted to show you this, though.
I was kind of excited.
I got a personal letter from Ed McMahon.
It's the million-dollar sweepstakes thing, you know, from the publisher's
clearinghouse.
Yeah.
But, Ed, look.
Look at the way he spelled my name.
He spelled your name.
It's S-H-A-F-F-E-R.
I don't think when he writes, you know, Doug Schwander a letter, I don't think
he...
But he'll actually present that to you if you win.
It's a mixed blessing, I think.
He says here, will I be handing you the $10 million prize or no prize at all?
Well, let's hope so.
Let's hope that he's there.
I hope he comes in person and hands me no prize at all.
Yeah, does he show up?
Let's see.
Oh, we have another top ten list.
Tonight's a pretty interesting top ten list.
This is top ten leftovers from other top ten lists.
Number ten, it's the Mercado.
Number nine, Vermiculite.
Eight, Del Monte cocktail yams.
Seven, carbon tetrachloride.
Six, wax lips.
Five, confectioner's sugar.
Four, fringe vinyl.
Three, Kelly Monteith.
Two, Jet Propulsion Laboratory, Pasadena, California.
And the number one, a leftover from other top ten lists.
Claude Pepper's wallet.
Something desperately wrong with my hair.
We got a great show for you.
It's viewer mail night.
And just take a look at this fistful of viewer mail I have here, ladies and
gentlemen.
We better get right to it.
Ooh, look at that parcel of mail.
Huh?
Vibrating with excitement.
It's vibrating, yeah.
And a good batch tonight, Paul?
It's a great batch of viewer mail tonight, and I'm personally excited about
this thing.
I'm going to dinner at a new restaurant in town tonight, that new Prudhomme
place.
What's it called?
The new Prudhomme place.
Is that what it's called?
No, no, you're supposed to say Paul Prudhomme?
Paul Prudhomme?
No, no, Don Prudhomme.
Ah.
Who are you going with?
Funny Carveal.
Going with Goulet?
Take a look at this fistful of mail, will you?
Vibrating with excitement.
Funny Carveal.
Cockfuel salmon baked in a puff pastry.
What place is that, huh?
That's Don Prudhomme's new restaurant.
Don Prudhomme's new place, yeah.
Should we even go on?
What's the point?
Yeah, we've got great letters.
Go ahead.
Letter number one.
Dear Dave, you know in football, they use a gun to start and end games.
What do you think about applying this method to your show?
Mike Palladino, Waltham, Massachusetts.
Well, Mike, it certainly is a good idea, but seriously.
Where am I ever going to get a hold of a gun here in New York City?
The rest of them are great.
What was the matter with that one?
Well, it was very nice.
It's the number one is the foundation upon which we build our viewer mail
pyramid.
This is what I've been...
There we go.
Number two.
This one will be a little funnier than number one.
That's how this works.
It's a simple formula, a well-proven, time-tested comic formula.
Yes.
Letter number two.
This next letter comes from Chester G. Atkins, 5th District, Massachusetts,
House of Representatives,
Washington, D.C.
Oh, my gosh.
Dear Dave, no doubt you are feeling tremendous embarrassment over the mix-up
regarding the
scheduled appearance of Chet Atkins on your October 16th show.
My office has been deluged with phone calls from constituents who tune in
expecting to
see me, only to find an obscure musician who apparently uses my name.
If it will help smooth things over, I'd be happy to give Grant or Brandon a
call to assure
them that I'm really not put out about it all.
Sincerely, Chet Atkins, Member of Congress.
Well, thank you very much for your letter, Congressman Atkins.
All of us here at the show really did get a big kick out of it.
And to help the rest of America get as much pleasure from it as we did, we've
drawn up
this little chart we want you to take a look at right here, and it will
illustrate how
much it costs the taxpayers of this great nation.
First of all, the engraved letterhead used, that's 50 cents.
Then the engraved envelope, that's about 25 cents.
The franking and postage, or postage, 20 cents.
The secretary's time, about $10.
Congressman's time, about a nickel.
And projected time and money lost from similar desperate publicity bids by
Congressman Atkins,
that's about a million dollars.
So the total for this little practical joke is about a million eleven dollars.
I'm going to make a really big airplane now.
And I suggest you folks at home do the same.
Just fold it here in the middle like that.
Sir, this will be real comedy when we get done.
Yes, I'm going to have some of that funny car veal.
Mmm, boy.
Here we go.
This is letter number two, ladies and gentlemen.
Say goodbye.
Thank you.
But the rest of them are great.
Great letters.
That was a plateau, you see.
Yeah.
That was a breather.
Ah.
That gives the folks at home a chance to get a hold of themselves.
Yeah.
Because they're still doubled over from the first one.
Nice.
Sound effects.
Always a hit.
Letter number three.
Ooh, boy.
It's warm in here.
Dear Dave, I can't ever remember you reading a viewer mail letter from San
Francisco.
What's wrong, Dave?
Does everybody there in New York think we're not good enough or something?
Or do they think we're all gay?
A very faithful fan, Edwin Winston Valdivia.
Valdivia.
You know, ladies and gentlemen, we had a very clever and I thought a very tasteful
response
to this letter.
But standards and practices here at NBC has a problem with our wording.
And our producer, Barry Sand, is presently negotiating with him right now.
Can't say Twinkie?
What's wrong with the word Twinkie?
Excuse me.
Excuse me, Barry.
How are we doing?
Dave, so far the acceptable terms are confirmed bachelor, alternative lifestyle
practitioners,
and trouser pilots.
Trouser pilots.
Trouser pilots.
Trouser pilots.
Perfectly acceptable.
What about ballerina?
I'll check.
How about ballerina?
No.
Okay.
All right.
But they okayed trouser pilots.
Trouser pilots okay?
Yeah.
Trouser pilots are all right.
What about clutch purse?
See if they'll go for clutch purse.
They said this will be edited.
Oh, okay.
Well, let's go nuts then.
You know, now they told us that we couldn't say clutch purse.
I know.
I guess every time I say clutch purse, it'll be edited out.
You can't come on the show and call somebody a clutch purse.
You can come on the show and call somebody a trouser pilot.
Did they say anything about burglar?
Oh, oh.
I'm sorry.
I'm sorry.
I'm sorry.
Mary, do we still have Frank Owen's number?
Stop it.
Stop it.
Let's get on.
This is just a test show we do for the folks here in the building.
Dear Dave, why can't I go to Nevada?
Angry, Julie Childers, Zephyr Hills, Florida.
Well, Julie, we looked into this question for you and we found that there is
one man in
Las Vegas who decides everything that happens in the state of Nevada.
And so your decision is that Sinatra cannot sing My Way until after Paul Anka
finishes his
engagement at the Sahara.
All right, now there's one more matter for your attention.
A Julie Childers of Zephyr Hills, Florida.
She wants to be allowed into the state.
Childers?
No.
I think not.
And what reason should I give?
I don't need a reason.
You see, in Vegas, my every whim is law.
Letter number five.
Frank is not busy, you know.
Dear Dave, it's not your fault.
I've simply lost the ability to laugh.
Ladies and gentlemen, to me, there's nothing sadder than losing the ability to
laugh.
Although tonight I can certainly understand it.
In fact, I was so touched by Jim's letter that I envo-
Oh, this comes to us from Jim Plastis, Plasterus, Plasterus.
That's right.
Plasterus.
That's his name.
It's not my fault.
Plasterus.
That's the man's name.
His parents, Helen and Bob Plaster-Ass.
This is their son, Jim Plaster-Ass.
Anyway, to me, there's nothing sadder than losing the ability to laugh.
In fact, I was so touched by Jim Plaster-Ass's letter that I invited him to the
show tonight.
He's backstage right now being entertained by Flunky, the late-night clown.
Well, there they are now.
Flunky, what are you doing to entertain Jim?
Well, I was going to do the routine where I drop the phony lobster in my pants
and jump around,
but I left all my stuff on the subway.
Well, that's too bad.
It sounds like a really funny bit.
Oh, yeah.
It's a real panic.
Anyway, instead, I'm reading him some jokes from Joey Adams' column in the Post,
you know,
strictly for laughs.
Yeah, and has he laughed?
Not yet.
It's pretty lame stuff.
Yeah.
Anyway, we'll keep up the good work, Flunky.
Okay.
And who knows, maybe Jim will laugh sometime on tonight's show.
Yeah, right.
Okay.
Well, guess what, kids?
We're out of letters.
We're done.
That's it for Viewer Mail tonight.
We'll be right back with Sandra Bernhardt.
We'll be right back with Sandra Bernhardt.
We'll be right back.