Name: Peter Ustinov on Letterman, January 7, 1986
Uploaded: 2016-06-28T21:14:30.000Z
Description: Watch the stand-up comedy video 'Peter Ustinov on Letterman, January 7, 1986' from Don Giller on Comedy Buff. Published 2016-06-28. Transcript available. Peter Ustinov's full two-segment interview.

Watch the stand-up comedy video 'Peter Ustinov on Letterman, January 7, 1986' from Don Giller on Comedy Buff. Published 2016-06-28. Transcript available. Peter Ustinov's full two-segment interview.

All right, let's get on with it, shall we?
Anything you want to add here, Paul, before we launch this one?
I think we've got a rocking show tonight, and your hair looks, you know...
It's stupid looking.
Well, you've got a thing coming out of the sun.
Yeah, I know. I didn't ask for that thing.
A little kickstand.
No charge for that.
It's a quick nap on a bus.
Folks, there must be some confusion here.
My first guest is far too classy, an actor, writer, director, and human being
to be on this program.
He is the winner of numerous Oscars and Emmys, and he can be seen tomorrow
night on another network, of course,
in a movie called Dead Man's Folly.
Please say hello to Peter Ustinov.
Hi, Peter.
So nice to see you again.
How are you?
Have a seat.
Did you have a nice holiday?
Yeah, well, it looks it.
Yeah.
Yes, I did.
Enjoying a good year so far?
Yes, sir.
Yes, the first 20 minutes were absolutely great.
Did you travel?
Did you go away?
You were on vacation?
Yes, I was lying on a beach, having a nightmare about a white Christmas.
Where were you?
In St. Martin.
You know, somebody in the studio audience, a young lady, mentioned that she had
run into Andy Williams in Leningrad.
Yes, that's Jennifer Parker.
That's right.
Yes.
It's a small, small community.
Do you know Jennifer?
Yeah, I know her now.
I remember her now because I was looking at Andy Williams briefly saying, I
know that person.
And then I said, oh, there's Jennifer Parker.
But she mentioned that Andy Williams was being featured on a show called Lifestyles
of the Rich and Famous.
And I believe you were also featured on that show.
If that's the show in which I was shown in some bathing trunks, rather voluminous
ones, on the beach in Fort Lauderdale and plunged into the water for the
benefit of the show between two Portuguese men of war, then I think I've done
the show.
I think that's probably the one.
Why did they want you to do that with swimming in the water with a man of war?
I don't know.
But I mean, I've been asked to do many things in my time.
And it was okay with you?
Separating the two men of war who obviously didn't know the rules in that state.
When you come out of your corner, I want you to saw that.
Yeah.
Did you ever see that broadcast?
No.
No.
Let me ask you about some movies you were in and about some people you worked
with.
Laurence Olivier and Spartacus.
What about them?
Oh, well, we had one scene.
Anything memorable come to mind?
Oh, well, yes, yes, yes.
We had one scene in which I was supposed to run up to his horse, grab the bit,
or whatever this thing is, and say to him, divinity.
I had to call him divinity.
Divinity, if I identify Spartacus for you, will you give me the women and the
children?
He was supposed to say, Spartacus, you found him?
And I was supposed to say, yes.
That was the whole scene.
You're the slave trader?
I was the slave trader, yes.
And I came running in, took the horse as best I could, and said, divinity, if I
identify Spartacus for you, will you give me the women and the children?
And he said, Spartacus, Spartacus, you have found him?
So, of course, I said, yes.
He said, could you come in a little faster with your yes?
Oh, my.
Did you, uh, uh, do you guys get along all right?
Did you, were you friends at the time?
Oh, yeah, oh, no, we get on fine, but we see through each other.
Yeah, yeah.
But that's a way of getting on well.
Yeah.
What about, uh, uh, you worked with Humphrey Bogart?
Yeah, if I'd known that he was going to become a cult figure, I would have
watched him much closer.
Yeah.
But, of course, you never know at the time.
No, sure, you've got to be careful.
I didn't always understand what he was saying.
Mm-hmm.
You were working on a film with him called, uh...
Uh, We're No Interest.
Right, yeah.
He was awfully nice, man.
I enjoyed his company very much.
Did you spend social time with him?
Yeah, well, he didn't spend social time very much with anybody here.
Yeah.
He disliked social time.
Yeah.
Period.
But, uh, he was a very engaging fellow when he was, uh, off duty.
Did you drink with the guy?
Don't remember.
Well, that could mean either yes or no, couldn't it?
No, he didn't, he wasn't, uh, he wasn't excessive in his demands.
Yeah.
Uh, I, I really, I mean, I just treated him as a very nice fellow who I was
always glad to see.
He was sometimes a little bit, uh, surly in an interesting way, such as, I was
late at the party at his place, because our second daughter had been born.
And I came straight from the maternity hospital, uh, and I came straight from
the maternity hospital.
A cocktail for some people out there.
What kind of drink would he mix up?
Uh-huh.
I don't know.
That I don't really remember what it was.
Was it powerful though?
I think it was powerful, but I think it was rather complicated with some sugar
around the rim and...
Oh, really?
...you had to shoo the flies away before you drank it.
Yeah, yeah.
Um, but I said, it's a girl.
And he said, oh, no.
And he...
I thought this was part of his macho personality.
I said, you don't like it being a girl?
And he said, you know, you're welcome to whatever you wish, but I can just hear
those women's voices when I go next door and tell 'em.
Ahhhh.
And he winked and went in, and he said, folks, Peter's just had a girl.
Ahhhh.
And he looked at me and said, there you are.
Yeah, ruined his evening.
That was his, yes.
Yeah, okay, we'll do a commercial, and then we'll be back here with Peter Ustinoff,
folks.
So don't, so...
Okay, now try it. Shake it, shake it, and hold it next to your ear.
Isn't it amazing?
Oh, that's wonderful.
Yeah.
No, we don't, we don't know why it does that.
You don't know why it doesn't?
No, I have no idea.
It's just some kind of a magic rock with, uh, fairies in there, I guess.
Here's another thing you can do with, hold it up to your ear.
This is fascinating for the folks at home, isn't it?
Now tap it.
Put it right next to your ear and tap it.
And thanks for phoning T and, oh, that's something else.
I don't know what that is.
What is it?
I don't know, we don't know, but it's great.
Everybody should have one.
Did you find it or buy it?
No, our drummer, Steve Jordan, gave this to us.
Where'd you get this, Stephen?
From...
Nebraska.
From Nebraska.
Oh, it's from Nebraska.
From Nebraska, yes.
Uh, you, you have a, uh, uh, you hold a position of honor in, uh, the British
Empire.
What is the, the, the award, the honor?
There's no British Empire, there's nothing left.
Gone, no.
Yes, not much left.
It's the sort of place I would hold a position of honor.
What, what is the, uh, what is the, uh, what is it?
The, uh, it's not the Legion of Merit, it's the high, what are you, a commander
of the British Empire?
You knew it all the time.
Is that what it is?
Yes, it is, yes.
Commander of the British Empire.
Yes.
Now what does that mean?
What, what are you entitled to there?
Nothing at all, but you're, you're asked to contribute occasionally to the
maintenance of the guard's chapel.
Uh-huh.
Uh-huh.
Uh, and it's, uh, I haven't, uh, I haven't taken enormous interest in all that.
Uh, is it, is it, is it like knighthood, below, just below?
Just below, yes.
And is it, uh, presented to you by the Queen?
Uh, yes.
Yeah.
And is it a nice ceremony, or is it like you?
I didn't, I wasn't there.
It was, I, I...
Well, you're not taking this too seriously then, are you?
Uh, it was done at an embassy as far as I, where I was.
Uh-huh.
And how, how do you become eligible for this?
Could, I, I couldn't get it.
You have to be serious.
No idea, this is like asking why you were invited to a party, or the last
person to answer.
Yeah.
Why did they invite you?
Well, the, the...
I didn't know.
Yeah.
In my, in, in my case, the question is, how did I get a show?
Uh, now do you know the Queen?
Do you know the, the royal family?
Yes.
Yeah, and, and, and, you know, there was a huge to-do about, uh, uh, what's-his-name
and Princess Di?
Uh, is it, uh, not Albert, Princess, what's-his-name, Donald, Princess Di?
That's a fellow.
You got him the first time.
Is it Albert?
No, no, no.
No, it's, uh, Charles, right.
Charles.
Charles, right.
When, when they came to this country, people were just falling all over
themselves.
Yes, I, I, I know.
Now, are you a supporter or a detractor of the royal family?
What do you think about them?
Oh, I think they, I think they do a, a hell of a job.
Yeah.
A very difficult job.
And I remember I was over here a long time ago when there was a Jinx Falkenberg
show.
Does that ring a bell?
Yeah, it does.
Awfully nice people, but they were roaring with laughter because Malcolm Muggeridge
or someone
had attacked the queen.
And they say, what is this?
You can, we can laugh at our president, you can't laugh at your queen, ha, ha,
ha, ha.
You're doing an American.
That's an American there, isn't it?
That's right.
Yeah.
Yeah.
Yeah.
When you do it, you make Americans sound stupid.
We sound a little stupid when you do that.
Do it again.
No, I don't want to rub it in.
But I said, it isn't quite the same thing because we can criticize our prime
minister,
which is the same thing as you criticizing your president, the policies.
But the queen is slightly different.
She's more like the embodiment of the flag.
Can you criticize the American flag?
And all the laughter, of course, disappeared at once.
No, you can't.
Can't do that.
Everybody bridled us there.
I'd said something absolutely impossible.
And I said, I think we're a little more civilized than you because I read in
Information Please
Almanac that if the American flag drops to the ground by mistake during some
ceremony,
you're forced to burn it.
Right.
Because if the queen stumbles and falls, I said, we tend to help her to her
feet.
She doesn't automatically have to share the fate of Joan of Arc.
No.
It's a little different deal there.
A little different.
Yeah.
It's a living embodiment of...
Yeah.
You know, I saw the queen mother a year ago in Italy.
She was touring around.
And she goes in this huge...
The royal yacht is a very impressive vessel.
And then she's accompanied by another big naval ship.
And I actually got to see her hat.
She was walking through a crowd and we could see her hat.
And I must admit, it was sort of a thrill to see her.
Although, you know, all I did see was her hat.
Well, she's a wonderful woman.
Nice.
Oh, she's absolutely adorable.
And tremendously open-minded.
I was the rector of university for six years in Scotland, of which she was the
chancellor.
And at the inauguration, those were the stormy days of 1968-69.
Yeah.
We were pelted in our official robes with floppy hats and things.
I had a mortarboard with a tartan top because it was a Scottish university.
We were pelted with toilet rolls, but by students which kept the end of the
thing and sent them, you know, like in a carnival like this.
Sure.
And she was picking these things up as though somebody had dropped them,
thinking, "Does this belong to me?"
And it absolutely disarmed the most rabid students who became like lambs of
them.
Right.
Wanted to return them to their rightful owners.
Exactly.
Yeah.
Peter, it's nice to see you again.
I'm glad you're having a good year so far.
Dead Man's Folly, this is on what?
I guess, when is this going to be on?
Tomorrow night.
Is this a good film?
Yes, it was with Jean Stapleton, who's wonderful.
Oh, she's terrific.
Oh, she's terrific.
Yeah.
Okay.
Nice to see you again.
Thank you very much for your time.
Nice to be seen by you.
Sure.
You're doing it again.
Well, we'll be back here after the stage of the end of the day.
Thank you.