Name: Carl Reiner Collection on Letterman, 1983
Uploaded: 2016-09-05T02:16:25.000Z
Description: Watch the stand-up comedy video 'Carl Reiner Collection on Letterman, 1983' from Don Giller on Comedy Buff. Published 2016-09-05. Transcript available.

Watch the stand-up comedy video 'Carl Reiner Collection on Letterman, 1983' from Don Giller on Comedy Buff. Published 2016-09-05. Transcript available.

Carl Reiner Collection on Letterman, 1983

Welcome back to the program, ladies and gentlemen, and everybody who helped us
out with the phone
call segment of the show receives both these Late Night with David Letterman
sponges and
also the Late Night with David Letterman facial blotters, and I understand we
have a new shipment
of the facial blotters in, ladies and gentlemen, so there you are. Aside from
being one of the
best talk show guests ever, my first guest tonight was a writer and a performer
on your
show of shows. This gentleman created the Dick Van Dyke Show, and he has also
directed such films
as Oh God, The Jerk, and Dead Men Don't Wear Plaid. It's a pleasure now to
welcome Mr. Carl Reiner.
Hello. Thank you. Nice to see you. Thank you. I feel so bad. The best thing I
ever did on your show,
I did it back there just now. No, what was that? They were playing, and I got
so inspired by that
music. I don't hear this kind of music very often, that close. And I want to
show you what I was doing
right back of this little pillar. If you'll do it again, I will attempt to do
what I was doing back
there. Is this a good area where it's smooth and... Okay. Yeah, okay. You can
actually... Okay, go
Go ahead. Go ahead. Just...
Two, three, go.
One, two, three, go.
One, two, three, go.
One, two, three, go.
One, two, three, go.
One, two, three, go.
One, two, three, go.
One, two, three, go.
One, two, three, go.
One, two, three, go.
One, two, three, go.
One, two, three, go.
One, two, three, go.
One, two, three, go.
One, two, three, go.
One, two, three, go.
One, two, three, go.
One, two, three, go.
I felt so...
I knew how good it was, and I felt so bad wasting it back there.
Yeah.
The nice thing about that is not everybody can do that and look good, you know?
That's the real trick.
And another thing, first of all, I am a very big fan of yours.
Steve Martin is a very big fan of yours,
and he asked me to ask you whether you consider the monologue stupid animal
tricks.
Uh-huh.
See, now that's...
That's what he asked me to ask you about.
I don't know what that means.
But why I'm interested in this show is that I love it.
I always watch the Carson show in bed, and see how I'm breathing?
Yeah.
Ten years ago, I wouldn't be breathing.
Well, and that was strenuous work.
No, but it's interesting.
I see your monologue.
I see the little fooling around.
The first guest, around this time, I fall asleep.
No.
So I have very rarely...
I've never seen most of your show about this time.
No, no.
No, no.
No, and it's wonderful to be able to, you know, to see somebody you like and
see what you do after.
No, I wasn't.
It just occurred to me.
I see much of your show.
Speaking of that, let me ask you about this introduction.
I always like to clarify the introduction.
Yes.
One of the best talk show guests ever.
Was there a competition recently?
No, I think that started because Johnny Carson said once that I was one of the
people you like to have on because I'm like a self-starter.
If you, God forbid, should have a heart attack and die right here, I will keep
the show moving.
And I'll make it...
Because I'm a producer, I'll make it exciting.
I'll say, get a doctor, quickly, move him out.
Yeah.
And they won't know you're dead.
I'll just sit here and do the show.
So, I mean, I'm to be trusted.
Yeah.
You're assuring me.
Yes.
And if I die, I hope you'll do the same for me.
I would, well...
Keep the show moving.
I don't want...
I would...
Another thing is I...
I...
I'm going to try something.
You see, we're sitting...
It's kind of awkward.
We're not really...
No, it's very strange.
A little awkward.
I don't think it's ever been done.
I do try things on the Carson show one night.
I tried.
The two of us just staring at the audience for as long without saying...
We looked for about two and a half minutes without saying a word.
Hoping people would say, "Hey, Mae, come in here.
These guys are not going to talk."
Yeah.
We did it about three minutes and he lost heart, but we did get last.
This has never been done before.
Oh, this is great.
I'm excited about something that's never been done before.
Right.
Never been done before.
Okay.
This is the way we usually interview Merv, McDouglas.
It's always this.
Merv is back there, by the way, in case I die of a heart attack.
Merv will come right up.
Believe me, you won't need him.
I'll carry on.
Okay.
But nobody has ever interviewed in the direction, this direction.
You're getting that?
Watch what I mean.
Take this away.
Take this away.
I don't think anybody...
Now let's...
We should conduct exactly the interview you were going to conduct, but I'll be
here.
And you...
You'll have to get up a little.
I don't know what it looks like, but it's different.
It looks all right.
It looks all right.
It looks all right.
Okay.
And...
All right?
Okay.
You know, I've never been this close to another man's head in my life.
This is strange, isn't it?
You might get to like it.
Yeah, it's a...
Now...
Well, don't...
See, for it to really be effective, don't keep saying this is strange.
Act like it's not strange, and then...
Just like this is the way we would...
Yes, because my head is now...
The blood is rushing to my head.
Okay.
Um...
So we just go on with the interview.
The interview, just to...
Have you ever given blood before, Carl?
Now that's...
See, I feel better.
No, the reason I'm doing this is because...
In the interest of staying alive, the blood was rushing to my head, and I was
starting to black out.
So...
But I think you...
This is still a good...
Is this a good...
All right.
No, this is fine with me.
This is...
This is fine.
Well, and it's...
It's more the way I feel at night watching the show anyway, so...
Yeah.
It's...
It's...
It's good.
All right, now...
And if my hand goes out of the frame, I'm married.
It's...
Okay.
Okay.
Now, uh...
Yes.
Now, tell me about the creed.
Now, what do I look at exactly here on this?
Well, I mean...
I look at the back of my head.
All right.
Now, let's talk about your hairpiece.
You're not...
Obviously, you're not...
You're not wearing it tonight, are you?
No, because I'm not self-conscious about the fact I'm bald.
I'm rather proud of the fact that I was the first man to shave my head.
I have a full head of hair.
Uh-huh.
But they...
Somebody...
Somebody once told me bald men are sexier.
And so I shaved my head hoping that women would flock to me.
I'm waiting.
Uh-huh.
So...
That the results on that experiment are not conclusive.
No, no.
Not conclusive.
Okay.
Uh, the man with two brains.
Oh, you didn't ask me what my next picture was.
I'm sorry.
Oh.
In this position, you don't hear as well as you might.
Yeah, yeah.
Let me...
You hear things that are not being asked.
Okay.
I'll tell you what.
Let's, uh...
Why don't you just, uh...
Yes.
Why don't you just make your...
Stay right there.
Uh-oh.
Stay right there for commercial.
We'll be back with...
When I come back, I will be in a different position.
Oh, sir.
All right.
Not the regular position.
Just...
Carl Reiner is here.
And, uh, John Cleese will also be joining us later in the program.
Now, what do you want to execute now?
I think in keeping with the premise, because...
We ask very few questions, and nobody's really interested in what I'm doing.
Well, no, well, I'm interested.
I need to have fun.
So, I think the questions work best in those transpositions.
Let me try getting on your shoulders.
Can you hold me?
Yeah.
Can you hold me?
No.
No.
Okay.
Okay.
Okay.
All right.
All right.
We ask the question so they'll know what we're doing.
It only becomes funny if we act...
No.
One shot doesn't make it.
You...
You've...
You can cut that off.
You...
Now, you've done this before, haven't you?
No.
I've never...
I've never been on anybody's shoulders before.
No.
I've never been on anybody's shoulders.
I've never been on anybody's shoulders.
I've never been on anybody's shoulders.
I've never been on anybody's shoulders.
I've never been on anybody's shoulders.
I've never been on anybody's shoulders.
I've never been on anybody's shoulders.
I've never been on anybody's shoulders.
I've never been on anybody's shoulders.
I've never been on anybody's shoulders.
I've never been on anybody's shoulders.
I've never been on anybody's shoulders.
I've never been on anybody's shoulders.
I've never been on anybody's shoulders.
I've never been on anybody's shoulders.
I've never been on anybody's shoulders.
I've never been on anybody's shoulders.
I've never been on anybody's shoulders.
I've never been on anybody's shoulders.
I've never been on anybody's shoulders.
I've never been on anybody's shoulders.
I've never been on anybody's shoulders.
I've never been on anybody's shoulders.
I've never been on anybody's shoulders.
I've never been on anybody's shoulders.
I've never been on anybody's shoulders.
I've never been on anybody's shoulders.
I've never been on anybody's shoulders.
I've never been on anybody's shoulders.
I've never been on anybody's shoulders.
I've never been on anybody's shoulders.
I've never been on anybody's shoulders.
I've never been on anybody's shoulders.
I've never been on anybody's shoulders.
I've never been on anybody's shoulders.
I've never been on anybody's shoulders.
I've never been on anybody's shoulders.
I've never been on anybody's shoulders.
Right.
By the way, in the last segment,
it's a little later,
we can go into the sexual positions.
Go into the what did you say?
The sexual positions.
Oh.
Which we won't do that.
When everybody's asleep.
Yes.
Now, tell me about creating the Dick Van Dyke Show.
You were actually going to be the star of that, weren't you?
You know, yes, I was.
And I was, they found out I was not as good as Dick Van Dyke was going to be.
And there was no chance.
You know, I've said this so many times that I bore myself.
And the Dick Van Dyke Show was, as you know, like myself, a legend.
I only deal, Sid Caesar is a legend.
I only deal with legends which suggests that if you stay on long enough
and keep these clips, you too will be a legend.
That's right.
Now, how long do you think that would take for us to stay on,
to be a legend with him?
Oh, no more than 30, 40 years of the way you're going.
I mean, no, because he's very good.
He's wonderful.
But every year, he adds three new viewers who will never leave him.
No, I mean, he is, but it takes time because he is so clever.
They, they, it becomes, it's a little difficult to be aware how good you are
because you are subtle and funny and you're brilliant.
But it's going to take time.
And I only hope, I only hope that there are people running NBC who are as smart
as your audience.
Well, that's, isn't it?
I mean, we...
There's not a word of truth in that load of crap.
It's, uh...
Now, how do you handle that?
Uh, what are we doing now?
We're good.
Oh, thank God.
We're going away again.
Forever!
No, no, no.
Carl and I will be back after station identification.
Thank you very much.
Carl Reiner is here.
Uh, John Cleese will be joining us.
And, uh, tomorrow night, Ron Luciano, a former Major League umpire, will be
here.
He'll be sitting on me also.
Um, and, uh, screenwriter, Marshall Brickman.
Do you know Marshall Brickman?
Oh, I know him very well.
He used to be a writer on the Carson show.
I met him when he was a young writer.
And he will be here tomorrow night.
He's a person.
Yes, sir.
And, uh, you've taken your shoes off now.
Uh, what's next?
Ron Luciano, a former Major League umpire, will be here.
He'll be sitting on me also.
And screenwriter, Marshall Brickman.
Do you know Marshall Brickman?
Oh, I know him very well.
He used to be a writer on the Carson Show.
I met him when he was a young writer.
And he will be here tomorrow night.
Person.
Yes, sir.
And you've taken your shoes off now.
What's next?
Well, I just did that because in keeping with the premise of everything,
we are a little different tonight.
That's right.
No guest has ever kept his shoes on here,
hoping they will get shined, but they won't.
I know that.
No.
But, I mean, they're just there, and I'll take them when I go hom