Name: Actor-Singer Collection on Letterman, 1986-87
Uploaded: 2016-09-19T02:24:10.000Z
Description: Watch the stand-up comedy video 'Actor-Singer Collection on Letterman, 1986-87' from Don Giller on Comedy Buff. Published 2016-09-19. Transcript available.

Watch the stand-up comedy video 'Actor-Singer Collection on Letterman, 1986-87' from Don Giller on Comedy Buff. Published 2016-09-19. Transcript available.

Actor-Singer Collection on Letterman, 1986-87

Boy, you can cut the disgust with a knife in here.
Where are we now? I guess we have to go on, don't we?
Yeah.
Well, not necessarily.
It's a quiet night, isn't it, Paul?
We don't necessarily have to go on.
No, I think we have to go on. We're committed now.
Because here in my hand I have letter number five,
and once I've picked it up, then there's no returning.
Then, forget it.
I've crossed the line of death.
Sorry to hear that.
Woo!
At least we're not having any trouble thinking in here tonight, are we?
There's no distractions.
Plenty of meditative silence for us to collect our thoughts.
Yeah.
It's sort of peaceful.
It is peaceful, yeah.
You can almost hear wind sweeping across the plane.
Tumbleweed, maybe.
Letter number five.
Five, five, five.
Maybe we should bring the ticket prices back down.
What do you think?
Yeah!
Dear Dave.
Dear Dave, letter number five begins.
What would happen...
Oh, my God.
Yeah.
Dear Dave, what would happen if Paul were to throw a pencil behind him?
Wondering in Wapak, Cliff Boyer, Wapakonetta, Ohio.
And, of course, this letter refers to this little deal.
Whenever I pick up one of these pencils and heave it back through there,
the window breaks.
Now, Paul, he's asking the question, what would happen if you tried that?
And, uh, what do you think?
What would happen, Paul?
Well, I don't know.
Is there any way of, uh, finding out what would happen?
I don't know how we could possibly find out.
Well, you know, I guess what we could do is, uh,
maybe we could hire a guy to come in here and pretend to be you,
and then he could try it.
Hire like a stand-in?
Yeah, like a stand-in to take your place, and he could try it for us.
All right.
It's science.
In the interest of science, why not?
Bring him.
All right.
I think we have a guy standing by just for this very experiment.
Sir, could you come out here, please?
Hi, how are you?
Are you, uh, are you an actor?
Actually, I'm an actor-singer.
An actor-singer.
Okay, great.
So you take, uh, you take Paul's place right there.
That's, uh, Paul Schaefer.
And, uh, you understand what we want you to do here.
Just, yeah.
Throw the pencil.
Just toss it over your shoulder, and we'll, we'll see what happens.
Okay?
Anytime.
Go right ahead.
You're on your own.
Is he all right, Paul?
Is he okay?
All right.
Is he all right?
He's dead.
He's dead!
He's dead!
Oh, my God!
It should have been me!
I can't believe it!
He's dead!
Is he all right?
Wake up!
Wake up!
Wake up!
He's dead!
I can't believe it!
I can't!
The actor-singer is dead!
I can't believe this really happened!
Paul!
The humanity!
Paul, get a hold of it!
I feel terrible!
I feel terrible!
Thank God we used the stand-in.
Paul, get a hold of yourself.
One day, he's a vital, alive, actor-singer, acting, singing.
The next day, we never even got to know his name!
His whole life was ahead of him.
We don't know anything about it.
First network appearance.
Yeah.
The guy could have gone on.
Yeah.
Broadway!
Broadway, maybe?
Off-Broadway!
Look at him!
Cut down!
Cut down on the private-
Paul, nice!
I can't believe it!
One minute!
What did he get for this?
Paul, come here.
What did he get?
Scale?
Yeah, scale.
$25?
He lost his life for off the scale!
Settle down.
I can't.
It was because of you!
The letter was to you!
Paul, I have nothing to know.
You killed him!
No, I didn't get it!
I'm over here!
I'm nowhere near the end of the game!
I can't believe it!
No, Paul, it'll be all right.
It'll be all right, Paul.
We'll be right back.
Well, thanks, Paul.
Well, thanks, Paul.
Welcome back to the show.
We have a fine assortment of guests for you here tonight.
Richard Rothman is here and also Jeff Altman.
Is he okay?
Yes, Hal Gurney, our director, ladies and gentlemen.
Yes, Hal, what's the problem?
I got some good news.
Good news?
What is that?
The actor-singer, he's okay.
The actor-singer is okay?
He's all...
Paul...
Did you hear that, Paul?
He's all right?
He's all right!
He's all right!
He's all right!
He's okay!
Yes, he is!
The actor-singer is all right!
I can't believe it!
I can't believe it!
I can't believe it!
You're all right!
You're okay!
You're all right!
He's all right!
He's all right!
He's all right!
He's all right!
The actor-singer is okay!
He's okay!
Christ!
Oh, gosh!
He's okay!
He's not!
The actor-singer is all right!
Gosh, that's great news, isn't it, Paul?
Oh, he's all right!
Yeah, I've never seen Paul quite so happy!
Paul, see if I can have a radio show, too, will you?
Yeah, the actor-singer is all right!
That's a load off our minds, isn't it?
Absolutely!
Yeah, yeah!
My first guest tonight has one of the keenest eyes for talent on the entire
west side of Manhattan here!
I think that new acoustical ceiling they put in here is really helping, don't
you, Paul?
Sort of dampening the silence.
Yeah, muffling everything, so we're not distracted by it, and we certainly
appreciate that.
Peaceful.
Yes, Hal Gertner, ladies and gentlemen, our director.
What is it, Hal?
How can I help you, buddy?
Uh, Gurney, Dave.
I'm sorry, Hal Gurney.
You have G-U-R-N.
There you have your Gurn.
Double E.
There you have your E.
Yes, go right ahead, Hal.
Dave, I got some bad news.
What's that?
I'm sorry, but the actor-singer is dead.
Oh, no!
Oh, no!
He, uh, he had a weak heart?
Yeah, that's a big old age.
Uh-huh.
And the doctor said it had nothing to do with that pencil-tossing incident, but
that wasn't it.
Oh, is that a fact?
Yeah.
Paul, did you hear that?
The actor-singer is dead, but it had nothing to do with the pencil-toss.
Oh, that's, uh, she's dead.
It's too bad.
It really had nothing to do with us.
Yeah.
So, uh, maybe we should send him something.
Yeah, we'll send something out to the house.
Oh, gosh, what a magic night.
Isn't it magic?
Call somebody.
We'll be right back with Jeff Altman.
Yeah.
An advertisement, something called Amoco Spring Value Catalog Silverstone Gourmet
Cooking Utensils.
Food shown, food shown, not included.
Honey, honey, the pots and pans are here, but they didn't send the broccoli.
Now what'll we do?
We'll starve!
The actor-singer is dead!
It's a role Paul made popular last Thursday.
Thank you.
One of my hits.
Thank you very much.
I think these meteorites are beginning to melt.
Run for your lives!
We have the mostest fun here, don't we?
Delirious.
Letter number five, and not a minute too soon.
This letter is sent to you for good luck.
The original copy is in New England.
It has been around the world nine times.
The luck has now been sent to you.
You will receive good luck within four days of receiving this letter, provided
you in turn send it back out.
This is no joke.
Well, none of these others have been either.
Dallin Fairchild received the letter and, not believing, threw the letter away.
Nine days later, he died.
Remember, send no money.
Please don't ignore this.
It works.
Well, you know what this is, don't you, Paul?
This is a chain letter.
It's just a bunch of superstitious junk, I mean, designed to play on the fears
of ignorant, gullible jerks.
Don't these things just make you kind of sick, Paul?
These chain letters?
That's right.
It's insulting, actually.
It certainly is.
Somebody would actually send you that trash.
That's right.
So I'm just going to throw it away, right?
Absolutely.
Yeah.
On the other hand, some of the stories were a little bit creepy.
A little bit creepy.
Okay, I'll tell you what, instead of me throwing it away, here's what I'll do.
I'll get somebody to throw it away for me.
You mean like a stand-in?
Yeah, exactly.
I'll get a stand-in, an actor or somebody.
Do we have that guy who was here earlier, the actor, standing by back there?
Hi, come on out.
You're an actor, are you, sir?
I actually am an actor-singer.
Actor-singer.
Great, that'll be fine.
Why don't you do me a favor and have a seat right there.
Now, what we want you to do is just take this letter, crumple it up, and toss
it away.
Okay.
All right, good luck.
We'll see what happens.
I have an actor-singer here to take care of this for us.
Go ahead, any time.
Go ahead.
Actor-singer.
Oh, good job.
Whoa, he took quite a blow there.
You all right?
Wow, that's too darn bad, isn't it?
Hey, hey, hey, hey.
What's the matter?
Hey, wake up.
Hey.
Hey, you, hey.
He's dead.
Oh, no, no.
The actor-singer is dead.
Oh, no.
It happened again.
We've killed two actor-singers.
I don't know.
That's like killing four people.
Four people, yeah.
I can't believe it.
I can't.
It'll be all right, though.
You can't get a hold of yourself.
It's not like somebody, it's not like an ordinary person.
I mean, somebody in the entertainment world.
You know what he told me backstage?
What did he say backstage?
He said that he was a dancer.
He was an actor, singer, dancer.
Oh, my God.
He had the world stretched out in front of him.
You know, he was up for a pun in the car.
No, I didn't know that.
You know, we'll never get an actor-singer on the show again.
I'm telling you.
It's your fault.
No, it's not my fault.
It's your fault.
I had nothing to do with it.
You killed him.
No, I didn't kill him.
You were supposed to be sitting there.
You were supposed to be there.
You killed him.
All right.
They're on this network budget.
Why can't they afford girders that stay up?
Oh, I tell you what.
Why do so many have to die?
You'll be right there.
Oh, I can't.
All right.
We'll be right back.
We'll be right back.
We'll be right back.
Thank you very much.
Thank you, and welcome back to the show.
We have a great show for you.
Jonathan Winters will be out here in just a minute.
Judy Mowat.
Yes, Hal Gertner, our director.
Yes, Hal.
Gurney, Dave.
Gurney, I'm sorry.
Dave, we have an update from the Manhattan County Hospital on the actor-singer's...
Oh, a medical bulletin, Hal?
Okay, a live report from the hospital.
There is Dr. Morton Roberts, Manhattan County Hospital.
Yes, Dr. Roberts, good of you to be with us this evening.
What can you tell us?
Yeah, Mr. Letterman, the patient has sustained...
some serious trauma to the upper body.
Uh-huh, well, that seemed apparent.
Yeah, it is apparent.
He's young, he's strong, and we view his condition with guarded optimism.
Well, that's certainly good news.
Yeah, it is good news.
There's an excellent chance he'll be able to act again.
Uh-huh.
But I'm afraid we place his chances of singing at less than 10%.
Oh, well, that's a darn shame.
But, Paul, thank you very much, doctor.
We'll check back with you a little bit later.
But did you hear that, Paul?
He's going to live.
He's going to act.
He may not sing again, but he's going to live and act.
It's something.
At least it's something.
He can do something.
He can act, but he can't sing.
Well, so maybe he can't do music because he'll concentrate on drama.
He can still work.
Yeah.
You know, he probably wasn't much of a singer.
Probably not.
Anyway, usually actors, singers, or usually they're one or the other.
More of an actor, yeah.
He was an actor, so he's more of an actor.
But now that, you know, he's got something he can concentrate on.
Why don't you go over there?
And with the dancing, forget about it.
Yeah.
We're doing comedy here tonight, aren't we?
Well, you did it well.
You did it well, Paul.
Jonathan, we're just standing backstage.
Pudding pops.
My first guest tonight is, Mowat.
Mowat.
Howdy.
Okay.
We're adjusting the schedule.
We were going to get another update on the condition of the actor-singer, but
that whole thing is dead.
So forget about that.
Forget that ever even happened.
He's fine, and he's on his own now, but we don't have time for that tonight.
On to bigger and better things.
My next guest.
We had something terrible happen last week.
Thursday night, we were doing viewer mail, and somebody sent in a chain letter,
and it says,
if you break the chain, something terrible will happen to you.
So rather than risk breaking the chain myself, we had a stand-in do it for us.
You remember this, Paul?
The stand-in came in?
Yeah, this was terrible.
And look at the videotape, and we'll see what happens when the stand-in throws
away the chain letter.
Go