Name: Diane Keaton on Letterman, April 15, 1987
Uploaded: 2016-10-07T18:23:50.000Z
Description: Watch the stand-up comedy video 'Diane Keaton on Letterman, April 15, 1987' from Don Giller on Comedy Buff. Published 2016-10-07. Transcript available.

Watch the stand-up comedy video 'Diane Keaton on Letterman, April 15, 1987' from Don Giller on Comedy Buff. Published 2016-10-07. Transcript available.

Let's bring out this woman because, boy, oh, these notes are damp. I've dampened
my notes.
I'll give you a minute to do that at home, too.
Our first guest won an Academy Award for her appearance in Annie Hall.
She has also appeared in films like Reds, Shoot the Moon, and Crimes of the
Heart.
Ladies and gentlemen, please welcome actress, photographer, and director, Diane
Keaton.
It's terribly nice to see you.
How are you?
I'm okay.
You're great. Thank you for being here.
Yeah, my pleasure.
When was the last time you were here? A couple of years ago?
Yeah, it was a couple of years, yeah.
How have you been since? Things have been going pretty well.
Fine, I've been okay. And you?
Pretty good. You know, a couple of months ago, I went to see Radio Days.
You did?
Yeah, and it was a snowy, cold, kind of nasty New York night.
And I went in, and I had a very nice time.
But for me, personally, the highlight of the film was you singing.
Really?
Yeah, I really enjoyed that.
Well, thank you.
I thought that was very nice.
Thank you very much, David.
What was the song you were singing?
I was singing, You'd Be So Nice to Come Home to.
Did you pick that song yourself?
I didn't, no.
Now, if you were going to go and appear in a nightclub, say, for a week.
I'm saying it would never happen, you know.
But secretly, you'd like to do that, wouldn't you?
No, no way.
No, no, not me, no.
But you have sung in several films, haven't you?
I did, yeah. At one point, I did, yeah.
Yeah.
And I sang, yeah.
All right.
But if, say, you were going to do it tomorrow, say we had a club.
Yeah, tomorrow.
Well, what kind of stuff would you sing?
Well, something nice, you know, something very, very nice.
I don't know.
I would sing a tune, a song, a ballad, perhaps, a ballad.
A nice ballad.
A nice ballad.
Yeah.
Well, that'll pack them in when they, when they, when the word gets out that
you'd be singing,
singing something nice, they'll, yeah, they'll probably hold you over.
But anyway, I thought you were just charming and delightful, and that song was
so nice for
the rest of the film.
Yeah, it was a lovely time.
How about your taxes?
Have you got your taxes all figured out?
No, actually, no, no.
Yeah.
You probably have an accountant do that for you?
Yes, accounts, yes.
Have you ever, have you ever been audited?
No, have you?
No, I haven't been audited.
I know people who have, and I guess it's very, they make you squirm a little.
They do, yeah.
Yeah, I think so.
I think it would make you nervous, yes.
How about the Academy Awards?
Did you watch it?
Oh, yes, I did watch it.
Yeah.
I did.
How about you?
I saw part of it.
I was watching the NCAA championship game that night.
Oh, you were, you switched.
Yeah, yeah, yeah.
Did you like the awards?
I enjoyed it enormously.
Any surprises?
Any disappointments?
No, none at all, actually.
No, I enjoyed the whole thing.
I particularly enjoyed Steven Spielberg, actually.
I missed that part.
You were watching the other part?
Yeah.
He received the...
He received the Irving Thalberg.
The Thalberg Award for...
For Lifetime Achievement.
This is something you and I will miss out on, I think.
Probably so, yeah.
Yeah, it looks great.
But that was the...
But, no, you...
Me, yeah.
Me on the other hand.
But you have one for your work, so that wouldn't...
For my work.
My acting work, you mean.
Yes.
Oh, yes.
Yeah.
And so you really...
I mean, it would be nice to be honored for your lifetime.
I would love to be honored for my lifetime achievement, yes.
Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.
All right, well...
It's pathetic, right?
No!
What do you mean it's pathetic?
I mean, it's pathetic.
Let's face it.
Oh, no, no.
It's not pathetic.
I feel good, though.
I really do.
Why, how did that happen, exactly?
Uh-huh.
Well, you look great.
Oh, shut up.
You're insane.
I, of course, take that as a compliment.
Did you see this, Diane?
I like it a lot, by the way.
Let's see that.
There you go.
I think it's very attractive.
Uh, we'll do a commercial here.
Oh, good.
That's nice.
And we'll be right back with Diane Keaton.
All right, welcome back to the show.
You can see Diane Keaton is here.
And, uh, well, we're coming back.
We're only down five cents a share now.
Um, you own stock?
Me?
No, no, no.
Uh, now tell me about the, the, the film that you directed.
Oh, yeah.
Heaven.
Now, is it true that to, to put this thing together, you, you viewed like
several hundred
films?
Yeah.
Oh, yeah, definitely.
Yeah, yeah.
And you, you found yourself being, uh, very fond of, of love scenes in all of
these films,
right?
Yes.
Yeah.
Yes, I did.
Yeah.
I enjoyed them.
Uh, any favorites from any particular era?
Any, any recurring characters?
Oh, well, there was a very nice, um, scene, a kissing scene from, uh, Lost
Horizon.
Perhaps you remember it.
I don't know.
I saw the, the, the remake of it.
I didn't see the original.
Oh, you didn't see the original.
Yeah, I saw the remake.
It was very nice.
Very good kiss.
Yeah.
Excellent.
I mean, the thing is, you see, in this movie of mine, this thing that I did, uh,
we,
we have, we asked this question, you know, uh, is there love in heaven, right?
And so, so therefore, we had these people answer these questions and we
illustrated it
by lots of kissing shots.
So I have many, many, many kissing shots.
And so the one from Lost Horizon would be one of your favorites?
It was excellent.
Involving whom?
Who, who?
It was Ronald Coleman and Jane Wyatt.
Yeah.
Any others?
Yeah.
Oh, yeah, yeah.
Plenty of kissing shots.
You bet.
And you, uh, which did you include in your, your film?
In my film?
What do you mean?
Oh, I don't know.
I don't know what you mean.
I'm just barely paying attention.
I know, it's okay.
I, I, I, you know, I don't know.
I got my mind on that stock.
I know, well, you can see that.
Uh, okay.
So, now the film, uh, you pose many questions pertaining to heaven.
Like, uh, is there, as you said, is there, what was the question?
Is there sex in heaven?
Is there sex in heaven?
Is, you know, how do you get there?
And are you afraid to die?
And what did you find these answers were?
These answers were varied, to say the least.
Yeah.
As answers tend to be.
Yes, they certainly do.
Yeah.
But as far as, is there sex in heaven?
Yeah.
What is your particular, first of all, do you think that there is a heaven?
You probably do, or you wouldn't have done this project?
I don't know for sure.
Not for sure.
Yeah.
What do you think?
Oh, yeah, probably, yeah, no, yeah, I do, I do.
Yeah.
Yeah.
Like a really big gymnasium.
Is this right?
Yeah.
How do you see yourself there?
Oh, with really bad seats.
Okay.
Really.
Uh, well, let's take a look at, maybe now would be a good time to.
Sure, why not?
That's a good idea.
Okay, this is, uh, soon to be released.
That's right, this is the, soon to be released, you got it.
And the other thing is, this is the question, this asks the question, are you
afraid to die?
And then it sort of attempts to answer it.
So, that's what it is.
Yeah, all right.
I understand it's a very interesting piece of work.
Oh, you do, you do?
Hmm.
I hope so.
Well, we'll see.
We'll take a look at it.
Yeah, we can check it out.
You're about half loopy.
Actually, I'm looking forward to it.
Whoa.
Yeah.
Yeah.
Yeah, right.
You know, it's a, it's a, it's a really, uh, disturbing topic, I mean, the way
it's presented
there, but it looks like, but it looks like a, a compelling piece of work.
Maybe, huh?
Yeah, were you pleased with how, how it came out?
Yes.
Yeah.
And, and, and did you find that, uh, are there, there must be light moments to
the
film as well, right?
Light?
Yes.
Yes.
I hope so.
Yeah.
And, and, uh, what would be one of those light moments?
One of those light moments?
Well, uh, huh.
Are you afraid to die, speaking of, not that that's, yeah.
Yeah, I am.
Yeah, me too.
I think everybody, well, yeah, everybody, you ought to be, shouldn't you?
I mean.
I would think so.
Yeah.
If you're healthy, I think it's wise to be afraid to die.
Yeah.
Right.
And, and most people probably would say yes or no to that.
They would, most, a lot of people said that they weren't afraid to die.
Yeah.
But I think they're probably not telling the truth.
They're lying, I think, perhaps, yeah.
Did, did you talk to anybody who have had these experiences where they were
dead and then
came back?
Yes, we did.
We talked to some people who went to hell and came back.
And what was that like?
It was frightening for the fellow.
Yeah.
But he did come back.
Yeah.
Yes.
And what, how did he describe hell?
He described it as a Dolly-esque place.
And, uh, he described it as really not pleasant and that there were flames and
whatnot.
And, but the thing, the main thing for him was, was mainly was that he wanted
to, you
know, uh, get rid of his guilt.
Uh-huh.
Yeah.
So he came back.
He was a lucky guy.
But see, there, that's really not much insight.
I mean, describing hell as being not pleasant.
No, no, no, there isn't much, there's, yeah.
Yeah, yeah.
No, it wasn't very much insight, no.
Uh, I would, I would think that this is going to be a very, uh.
It would do, yeah.
People are going to be, uh, I'm going to go see this movie.
You're going to go?
I hope so.
I really appreciate it.
Yes, I know.
It's fun.
No, it is.
I mean, we're, we're always thrilled.
It's a fine life, ain't it?
Well, no, I mean, I was just about ready to say we're always thrilled that you
can combine.
You're thrilled?
Oh, yeah, yeah.
No, we are.
We are, because.
I'm thrilled.
I'm really thrilled.
But, and, uh.
I hope the film does great.
Oh, and thanks, a lot.
Well, you're quite welcome.
I know.
Quite welcome.
Would you like to come back again?
I, uh, it would be a lot of fun.
Yeah.
A lot of fun.
How about.
I'll look forward to it.
How about next week?
Yes.
All right.
Okay, well, good.
Well, now, you don't have to leave right now.
Gee.
Uh, anyway, it's called, uh, the film is called Heaven.
This is what it's called.
And it looks to me like a, a brilliant, fascinating endeavor.
Thank you.
Thank you very much, David.
I appreciate it again.
Wait a minute.
Just stay there, and then they play you off.
Oh, they play you off.
Yeah.
Okay.
Bye.
Diane Keaton, ladies and gentlemen.
We'll be right back.