Name: Viewer Mail on Letterman, August 1, 1985
Uploaded: 2016-11-19T04:18:53.000Z
Description: Watch the stand-up comedy video 'Viewer Mail on Letterman, August 1, 1985' from Don Giller on Comedy Buff. Published 2016-11-19. Transcript available.

Watch the stand-up comedy video 'Viewer Mail on Letterman, August 1, 1985' from Don Giller on Comedy Buff. Published 2016-11-19. Transcript available.

They're both retired, and they've lived in Lancaster all their life, and so in
a couple
of weeks we'll try and have them on this program.
So that'll be nice.
And we'll tell them that they're waiting for Peter Marshall.
Yeah.
It's a little like being in church here, isn't it?
Well, it's very reverent.
Yeah, it is.
It's actually kind of soothing, isn't it?
Yeah, but joyous, but nonetheless joyous.
Yeah.
It's very, very calm in here.
It's very peaceful.
It's a sanctuary.
It's a sanctuary, yeah.
A shrine.
Okay.
This is what we do every Thursday night, ladies and gentlemen.
We bring to you viewer mail.
These are actual letters from actual viewers from all over the North American
continent,
and we're going to answer them for you right now.
Letter number one begins,
Dear Dave, Johnny Carson has a line of clothing.
Do you, Sincerely Eric Rosinski, a line of clothing.
No, Eric, I don't have a line of clothing, but I do have a line of popular
children's stories.
Oh, here they are down here.
Let me show these to you.
It's the Slapper Turtle and his Sea Pals series.
Here's the first one I did.
This is Slapper Turtle Prices Lamps.
This one was entitled Slapper Turtle Makes a Friend.
And this one was Slapper Turtle and his Sea Pals Down on Their Luck.
These.
I don't have a line of clothing.
I have those.
Hal, I'll tell you what, Hal, maybe it would help if you called out the number
of the letters tonight.
This is our director.
Which one's coming up there?
This would be...
This would be number two, Hal.
This is number two.
This is our director, ladies and gentlemen.
Go ahead, Hal.
Call it out.
Letter number two.
Thank you very much.
Dear Dave, after watching your show for the past few years,
I feel as though we've become the best of friends.
Therefore, I'd be most honored if you would be my best man when I marry the
woman I love.
Sincerely, Jeff Draws, Royal Oak, Michigan.
Well, that's touching, isn't it?
You know, the truth of the matter is, I used to accept this kind of invitation
on a regular basis,
but eventually it got to be more than I could handle.
You know, I remember the last wedding I did attend, however.
I remember it like it was yesterday.
It went something...
In the bonds of holy matrimony, which is an honorable estate not to be entered
into lightly.
Do you have the rings?
Right here.
Tom, Bill, Doug, Mary and Francine, Steve, Lyle, Leslie, Chester, Billy.
Here you go.
Letter number three.
Oh, Hal, do it right.
Come on.
Letter number three.
Thank you very much.
Dear Dave, what attracts roaches to their death in those roach motels?
A lot of important questions being answered tonight.
This comes to us from Maggie Pyle, Camp Verde, Arizona.
Although I believe the correct pronunciation would be Bear Day, as if it were a
B.
Wouldn't that be right, Paul?
Camp Bear Day.
Bear Day.
In Arizona, that's the way it is.
Bear Day.
Bear Day.
Bear Day.
Camp Bear Day.
Spelled V-E-R-D.
Yeah, but it's pronounced B.
Bear Day.
Bear Day.
Yeah.
That's the Arizona.
Gee, Maggie, this is an awfully interesting question.
You know, I actually have a roach motel right here, so let's look inside and
see what does
attract those roaches to their death.
Oh, yeah.
Here it is.
Just a regular roach motel, and I'll take it out of the box.
And, yeah, I'll just hold it up to the camera, open it up there, and see if we
can see
what that is.
Well, no wonder it's the most exciting stage show in Las Vegas, Mr. Tom Jones.
Okay.
Letter number four.
Letter number four.
All right, Hal, don't push me.
Don't push me.
I'm looking for it.
Dear Dave, in the last three months, I've gotten four of my friends to be avid
viewers
of your show.
I'm wondering if this qualifies me for any kind of an award.
A loyal viewer, John Chartier, Seekonk, Massachusetts.
There is no such town as Seekonk.
Are you familiar with Seekonk?
Yeah.
Really is a town?
Yeah.
Okay.
John, five new viewers translates into about 25 cents in additional revenue for
late night,
and 25 cents is just about what it costs to feed one late night staffer for one
day.
That makes you, John, a late night foster parent.
To show our thanks to you, John, we'd like you to meet your foster child.
Hi, John.
I'm Jerry Mulligan, your late night foster child.
Let me tell you something about myself.
I live in a small, cramped studio apartment in an overpriced, trendy part of
New York.
This is where I work.
As my foster parent, you'll be receiving this picture I made of myself.
John, I know you've done so much for me already, but I could use a new pair of
shoes and a compact disc player if you could just find another 70 or 80 viewers,
John.
Please.
Here's one of my friends.
This is Chris.
He hasn't been adopted yet.
He's the last to go.
What is it?
Is there something wrong with me?
I can love, too.
He's been to the finest clinics in the world.
Please, John.
Won't you help?
All right.
Letter number five.
Thank you very much, Hal.
You're doing quite a nice job.
Thank you.
Dear Dave, when you are going to read someone's letter on viewer mail, do you
notify them in advance?
Sincerely, Judd Weaselman.
Weaselman.
Weaselman, probably.
Kenmore, New York.
Notify them.
Boy, we do a lot more than simply notify them, Judd.
Take a look at this film that explains what you can expect if your letter is
selected for viewer mail.
Helicopter whisks you to the airport where you board on a luxurious private jet
for the flight to New York City.
And after freshening up in the posh viewer mail suite high atop the Plaza Hotel,
it's time for a shopping spree at those exclusive Fifth Avenue boutiques.
Buy whatever you like.
It's all on me.
Then, it's showtime.
And after the show, the fun continues as you dance until dawn with one of our
official late-night escorts.
And come sunup, it's off to Beekman Hospital's famous neuropsychiatric wing,
where a team of skilled surgeons will make a tiny incision in your cortex, eradicating
all memory of the last 24 hours,
but leaving you with a slow-healing scar at the base of your skull, a cherished
keepsake of your television debut.
My way of saying thanks for participating in viewer mail.
Here you go.
Here you go.
Oh, we get a great play.
John Candy, Bill Weiner, and Rory Singer.
We'll be right back.
Thank you.