Name: Hospital Etiquette on Letterman, July 6, 1983
Uploaded: 2016-11-28T01:26:15.000Z
Description: Watch the stand-up comedy video 'Hospital Etiquette on Letterman, July 6, 1983' from Don Giller on Comedy Buff. Published 2016-11-28. Transcript available.

Watch the stand-up comedy video 'Hospital Etiquette on Letterman, July 6, 1983' from Don Giller on Comedy Buff. Published 2016-11-28. Transcript available.

Is there anything else we should cover before we begin the show?
You all right, Paul? We'll talk later?
Start the show.
Okay, we're going to start the show right now, ladies and gentlemen.
You know, a recent study indicates that in 1983, this very year we're in now,
every single person in the United States will be hospitalized for at least five
months.
Yes?
Now, this study is obviously bogus, probably a college prank.
Still, it does raise an interesting question or two.
What are the proper rules of behavior when visiting a friend in the hospital?
Let's review some of them now, shall we?
Hospital music.
Charlie, how are you? Nice to see you.
Well, here we are in the...
Okay, fine.
Here we are in the hospital ward.
Hi, how are you feeling today?
Okay, let's get on to rule number one now.
This may seem like a minor point, but what you wear to visit someone in the
hospital is very important.
Some outfits are more appropriate than others.
Hi, feeling better today?
Hi.
Oh, I hope my choice of eveningness hasn't upset you.
All right, rule number two now.
It's customary when you're visiting someone in the hospital to bring a little
gift.
And I have done that.
I have brought you a little gift.
This is a lovely calendar with beautiful pictures.
And I hope you enjoy that calendar.
This is just what I wanted, Dave.
Thank you.
Yes, sir.
I hope it speeds your recovery.
Where's November and December?
Oh, I'm sorry.
I thought the doctor had been in here.
In one, Dave.
Dave.
Yes.
What is it?
Come closer.
Yes, what is it?
I'm right here.
Come closer.
Fine, I can hear you.
Yes, what is it?
Well, it's really nothing, but if I just say 20 lines, I get an extra 180 bucks.
Fine, we'll talk about that later.
Now, here's rule number three.
You know, it's always a good idea to bring along some food when you visit a
friend in the hospital.
Oh, hey, thanks a lot.
I hate the food here.
Oh, I know.
It's awful, isn't it?
Oh, terrible.
Yeah, here, I brought you some food from another hospital.
Another hospital?
Yeah, yeah, it's pretty much the same, except with this batch, I think you get
a double order
of warm tapioca.
Hey, off my arm.
Oh, that brings up another interesting point.
Do not, and I repeat here, do not sign a guy's arm unless he is wearing a cast.
Oops!
All right, here we are at rule number four.
Sometimes just watching television can be soothing, but make sure you keep your
friend's
condition in mind when deciding what you want to watch.
I'd like to watch Taxi, please.
Taxi, all right, a fine NBC program.
Let me look it up here in the guide.
Well, oh, geez, tonight, Louie finds a young blonde cadaver in a cab.
I don't think this is the one you need to be watching.
I love a good one, Dave.
Okay.
Your timing is impeccable.
It's really...
Thank you.
Yes, you're welcome.
Here we are, rule number five.
Remember, after major surgery, your friend may be delirious.
He may keep ranting and raving.
Now, just keep this in mind.
He really doesn't know what he's saying.
No, no, no, not stupid Patricks again.
No, please.
No, not Marv Albert.
He's always on the show.
I can't take it anymore.
Can we please watch Nightline?
Uh-huh.
Okay, fine.
We'll watch Nightline.
We'll be happy to watch Nightline.
And just what do you think the chances are of Ted Koppel putting you in a
sketch?
Say, I don't have many lines in this piece, do I, Dave?
No, that's all right.
Now, finally, what you want to do to cheer up a friend in the hospital.
By the way, what is your problem?
It's stomach pain.
It's stomach pain.
I can't describe it.
It's all over.
A man's been hospitalized for stomach pain.
How long have you been in here?
I've been in here for months.
For months with stomach pains.
All right.
Well, here's a good way to cheer up a friend in a hospital.
Contact a player on your local baseball team.
Now, nothing will cheer up your sick friend faster than having someone hit a
home run just for him.
Let's listen in now to a ball game.
Do you mind if I turn on the radio?
No, go right ahead.
All right, let me just switch it on right there.
And Johnson steps out to the plate.
Oh, Johnson.
Now he's pointing to the center field fence.
Here's the windup, the pitch.
Oh, no, he's been hit.
Johnson's down.
He's not moving.
Here comes the ambulance now.
You know, fortunately, Don, there's a major medical institution not very far
from here.
Well, good heavens.
But remember, when you're going to do this, do some scouting and be sure to
pick the proper ball player.
Pick the proper ball player.
And you go ahead and pick the proper ball player.
Well.
All right, don't let my choice of evening attire upset you.
I am a friend.
I think I know what you're doing wrong.
You're choking up on the bat too much.
Take a half step back.
Redefine your strike zone.
Yes, sir.
I tell you what we're going to do.
We'll take a half step back now and redefine our strike zone.
We'll be right back.
Keep your chin down.
Open up your hips when you swing.
This is something that can't be called.