Name: Sonny & Cher on Letterman, November 13, 1987 (full show, stereo) + 2015
Uploaded: 2017-01-15T17:36:10.000Z
Description: Watch the stand-up comedy video 'Sonny & Cher on Letterman, November 13, 1987 (full show, stereo) + 2015' from Don Giller on Comedy Buff. Published 2017-01-15. Transcript available.

Watch the stand-up comedy video 'Sonny & Cher on Letterman, November 13, 1987 (full show, stereo) + 2015' from Don Giller on Comedy Buff. Published 2017-01-15. Transcript available.

Sonny & Cher on Letterman, November 13, 1987 (full show, stereo) + 2015

okay thanks Paul tomorrow on the program oh this is going to be another good
program tomorrow
Sonny Bono and his former wife Cher will be here tomorrow and also a foot
doctor shoe collector
Dr. Ted Borges that'll be here that was one of the conditions of the booking we
had to have Dr.
Ted Borges on or they wouldn't show so tonight's second show is the stuff of
television legends so
what if it is a repeat it's the show where Dave reunites Sonny and Cher hi I'm
Dave Letterman
here now is a second full hour of my late night show isn't it wonderful from
New York where our
little science fiction drama has reached a climax a bunch of super evolved reptiles
from outer space
are about to eat me they've already scarfed down my sweater and that's a cotton
poly blend I don't want
to die I want to go back to earth and devote my life to preaching peace and
brotherhood to all mankind
bill bill bill wake up you've been dreaming what where am I it was all a dream
it's late night with David
Letterman tonight Sonny Bono and Cher plus Paul Schaefer and the world's most
dangerous man bill are you going to
going to devote your life to preaching peace and brotherhood it was a dream you
pinhead come on let's
party David letterman
go
go
go
go
go
Yeah.
Hi. How are you doing?
Thank you very much. Thank you so much.
Thank you very much, ladies and gentlemen.
Welcome to the program.
We've got an interesting show for you folks tonight.
Are we a little nervous or not, Paul?
I'm a little iffy about it.
Yeah, we've created here a minor,
wouldn't you say it's safe to say it's a minor media event?
Yes.
Yeah.
We are having two people together.
It's a media event.
It's a major media event? Really?
Yeah.
Major media event.
Well, no wonder we're nervous then.
I'll tell you more about the major media event a little bit later.
Now I'm completely thrown.
I didn't realize it was a major.
It's a major media event.
Major media event.
Well, this to me sounds a little strange.
Today, Supreme Court nominee Anthony Kennedy said at a press conference,
no, I've never smoked marijuana, but sure, I'd love to try.
I don't know.
It is a major media event?
Minor.
Well, now what would be an example of a major media event?
Well, uh...
Pearl Harbor.
Yeah.
There, that was a...
See, if you compare it to Pearl Harbor, this is nowhere.
Oh, that's true.
No, this would be a minor.
This compared to Pearl Harbor would be a...
There, now we've put it back into perspective for you.
Although it feels a little like Pearl Harbor here now.
Yesterday, an Italian was fined for entering England with a sleeping snake
concealed in his pants.
I'll pause here to give you folks at home the chance to make up your own foul
joke.
There.
Thank you very much, Anton.
Yesterday, singer David Crosby's drug conviction, for which he spent five
months in jail, was thrown out.
It's nice to see that Judge Ginsburg is working again.
It's times like this I wish I could sing, because I do something from Oklahoma.
Let's do it.
Well, I don't sing, so I can't.
Nope, don't.
Guy jumps up with a microphone.
Anyway, here's our media event for the weekend.
We have Sonny Bono on the program tonight, and also appearing a little bit
later, and with
Sonny, will be his former wife, Cher.
There, you see, that's...
That's right.
Very good.
Very good with these minor media events.
So now, ladies and gentlemen, say hello to our good friend, Mr. Paul Schaefer.
Paul is...
Thank you very much.
Thanks so much.
We are all...
We're all big Sonny and Cher fans over here, and Cher, of course, is here.
She's going to debut a song from a new album.
Cher will be singing.
Sonny will be talking.
Wouldn't it be wonderful, Paul, if by any stretch of the imagination, we could
persuade them to do a song together?
Oh, yeah, but that'll never happen.
I don't think that would ever happen, that they'd ever, for all times' sake,
get back together.
But that would be fun, wouldn't it?
Well, that would be a lot of fun.
Then we'd have something.
Then we'd have something here.
Yeah, but who could...
Then you'd have a major.
Sure, that would be a major.
That would be a major.
Absolutely.
You ought to be here today, boy.
The halls are crawling with show business people here today.
Managers and agents and press people and PR, vermin.
It's wonderful to be here.
Let's do our top ten list, and then we'll get to tonight's viewer mail before
we begin the big show.
This comes to us, as always, from the home office in Scottsdale, Arizona.
Here we go.
Top ten terrifying things that come to you as you're falling asleep.
You know, Paul, just before you nod off, a thought will flash across your mind.
Sometimes that happens, yeah.
Yeah, and it can keep you up for days if it's the appropriate thought.
Here we have the top ten terrifying thoughts that come to you as you're falling
asleep.
Number ten.
What if there are other Stallone brothers?
Number nine.
That guy moving in next door sure looked a lot like John Bowser Bauman.
Number eight.
Could I get a rash on the inside of my skin?
Number seven.
Did I really give Wendell my home number?
Number six.
What if God is a lot like Howie Mandel?
Number five.
I could have sworn I saw Jimmy the Greek behind the hamper.
Number four.
What if the musical Cats is now and forever?
Number three.
Is that my hand?
Number two.
What the hell is in secret sauce?
And number one.
What if John Gotti didn't think I was kidding?
Well, there you have it.
Thank you.
All right.
Thank you very much, Paul.
Let's get to the viewer mail because we want to save plenty of time for Sonny,
Bono, and Cher.
Gee, that would be great if the two of them, but it would never happen.
It ain't going to happen.
No, it would never happen.
It ain't going to happen because I can see these management weasels running
around backstage
right now saying, there was no song.
Song?
Who said anything about a song?
No, I don't know.
No, that won't fly.
Also, we have Dr. Ted Borges, a podiatrist, on.
Get a song out of him.
Maybe he'll do I Got You, babe.
He'll do a song with Sonny.
Right, yeah.
Yeah, that would be good enough.
Sonny in the dark.
Anyway, in the meantime, we're going to answer our viewer mail, which has
accumulated over
the last seven days.
Here it is right here.
Letter number one.
Dear Dave, it begins, I've noticed that at the end of your show, you take off
your jacket
and hand it to one of the people on the set.
Dave, what do they do with your jacket?
A bewildered fan, Kerry Dandegrift, Houston, Texas.
This is an excellent question, by the way.
I usually don't wear a jacket more than once, so I'm not really sure what they
do.
Biff, what do you do with the jacket when I'm done with it?
Dave, I just added to the big ball of sports coats.
Big ball, the big ball of sports coats.
You know, I think when Sonny and Cher get a look at the big ball of sports
coats, they
might reconsider this whole damn mess.
Letter number two.
Dear Dave, what is it like being famous, not knowingly Liz Lowe's, Long Branch,
New Jersey?
Well, Liz, you know, people imagine that it's very glamorous, but always being
recognized
actually can be kind of a nuisance.
In fact, whenever I go into public, I have to wear this disguise here.
This is the only way people will leave me alone, and then I can pretty much go.
I can't go anywhere I want.
Just walking around like that, it's not a problem for me.
Oh, come on.
I just put on this simple little disguise here.
Come on now.
Wait a second.
Not a problem at all.
What the hell is going on with this?
What's the matter, Paul?
Have I worked on this show for six years just to be insulted like this?
It's just a joke.
Will you relax?
It's only a joke.
It's a little cardboard cutout.
I put it on my face.
It's only a joke.
We all enjoyed it.
I'm sorry you're miffed, but it's just a joke.
So why don't you just relax?
All right.
You relax, okay?
Letter number three.
You relax.
What?
Because I'm out of here.
I'm out of here.
Oh, no.
You relax.
And not, you know, when a wire comes out of your shirt in the middle of a show.
That could be important.
You're walking and you're doing a show.
Wait a minute, Paul.
You learn all the old hints.
Wait a minute, Paul.
Wait a second.
I know how to handle this.
Paul, look.
Look, Paul.
Rice Krispies squares.
Rice Krispies squares, Paul.
Freshly baked.
There they are.
All right.
Okay.
Just this once.
I don't let it happen.
Thanks, Paul.
Boy, there's a joke we never get tired of, huh?
I don't want to sing on a show before, you know.
What letter are we up to now?
Is it three or four?
Number three.
Dear Dave, how do you stop a clown from laughing?
Well, this is an excellent question, Andy.
And we're lucky to have an authority on this subject right here on our own
staff.
Folks, please say hello to Flunky, the late night viewer mail clown.
Flunky.
Have a seat, Flunky.
Flunky, thank you very much for being here.
That's okay.
It's just not like I was doing anything else.
Oh, well, I appreciate that.
Tell us, how have you been?
Well, okay, I guess the left side of my body keeps going numb.
Jeez, well, that sounds serious.
No, I think it's just from sleeping outside.
I see.
Anyway, Flunky, a viewer wrote in with what I thought was a very interesting
question.
Did you hear what the question was, Flunky?
No, sorry.
I was in the john.
Yeah.
He wanted to know, he wanted to know how, is it possible, is there any way you
can stop
a clown like yourself from laughing?
Anything you can do to stop a clown?
Yeah, that's brilliant.
Okay.
Well, I guess you could point out he makes very little money.
Uh-huh.
Another sure far away, I guess, is deliver a subpoena from his ex-wife.
Right.
Or you could give him an insurance chart that shows the lifespan of guys that
inhale grease
paint fumes all day.
Uh-huh, yeah.
That's a laugh killer.
Yeah.
Okay, Flunky, thank you very much.
Uh, you could point out he lives in a trailer.
Uh-huh, okay, fine.
You could give him some bad sores on his right leg that are slow to heal.
All right, Flunky, that's funny.
Thank you very much.
Or, uh, ask him the last time he had a woman.
That'll send the last right down the top.
Okay, Flunky, thank you.
Thank you very much.
Now, anything else going on for you that we ought to know about?
Uh, yeah, I was trying to get in on the Macy's Thanksgiving Day Parade.
Well, that would be great.
And you would be turning cartwheels and juggling and waving to the kids, stuff
like that?
No, actually, I asked for a spot where you sit in the car.
Oh.
But, uh, I'm not holding my breath.
Yeah, well, we'll keep our fingers crossed for you.
Uh, I gotta go, Dave.
I want to get my picture taken with Sonny, okay?
Okay, sure thing, Flunky.
And, uh, thank you very much.
And as you go on your way, spreading laughter to people of all ages.
Yeah, right.
Thanks again.
Yikes.
Letter number four.
Letter number four.
Thank you very much, Paul.
Letter number four.
Letter number four.
Letter number four.
That's right.
Letter number four.
Letter number four.
Letter number four.
Some of the kids here in the audience are doing their homework, and we don't
want to disturb them.
Letter number four.
That's right.
Dear Dave, why do you constantly move back and forth during the monologue?
You look as if you've got to use the bathroom real bad.
A concerned viewer, Terry Teague, Marietta, Georgia.
Oh, brother, not again.
Gerard!
Yeah.
Gerard!
Gerard!
Gerard, Gerard, Gerard, Gerard.
Whose idea was it now for me to constantly move back and forth during the monologue?
Uh, it was a long time ago.
I don't really remember.
What?
It was my idea.
That's right.
It was your idea, Gerard.
And when you came up with the idea, Gerard, what did you tell me that Terry Teague
would
be if I did that?
Captivated and delighted.
What?
Captivated and delighted.
That's right.
You told me she would be captivated and delighted.
But she's not, is she?
No, apparently not.
No, apparently not at all from this letter.
What is she, Gerard?
Concerned.
Concerned is exactly right.
Concerned enough to write this