Name: Irma Dreifuss on Letterman, December 22, 1987
Uploaded: 2017-02-22T03:27:25.000Z
Description: Watch the stand-up comedy video 'Irma Dreifuss on Letterman, December 22, 1987' from Don Giller on Comedy Buff. Published 2017-02-22. Transcript available.

Watch the stand-up comedy video 'Irma Dreifuss on Letterman, December 22, 1987' from Don Giller on Comedy Buff. Published 2017-02-22. Transcript available.

Thank you.
My new holiday haircut.
Tomorrow on the program, Bob Green will be here,
Stupid Human Tricks, and Dana Carvey.
That will be tomorrow night, folks, another fine program.
And at this time, we'd like you to consider
for your holiday viewing on Friday, December 25th, Christmas,
it will be our brand-new Christmas special
featuring Terry Garr, Ted Nugent, Bobby Rahal,
and the entire Letterman family.
Okay, that's Christmas night.
Hope you enjoy that for a bit.
You know, ladies and gentlemen,
my feeling is why hassle with crowded department stores
when all you need to make memorable Christmas gifts
is your own trash?
Please welcome back my friend Irma,
the lovely and talented Irma Dreyfus.
Irma!
Hi, Irma.
Come on down.
Good to see you.
Nice to see you. How are you?
Irma Dreyfus.
Can we even see you there, Irma?
Yes, I can see you.
Irma, have you ever met Donald Trump?
Yes, I met him today.
I always have been amongst the famous.
Do you like Donald Trump?
All over the world.
But today, I'm amongst the richest,
and I'm the famous one amongst the richest.
I like him.
I asked him.
I like to be in the audience
because he's giving a million dollars.
I'm sorry.
I can't hear.
Why didn't you tell me that before?
I think we can bend the rules for you, Irma.
We'll get you a million.
And again, Irma,
explain to folks the premise
behind your lovely collection of work here.
These are things that have been thrown away
for all practical purposes
to the untrained eye.
Absolutely useless.
No more than trash on the horizon.
But yet, Irma, you,
I'm doing Ed now.
I'm Ed McMahon.
Is Karnak here?
You certainly are.
Tell a little more about you,
about me.
About you, that's right.
The whole world wants to know about me.
I know they do, Irma.
There's no one else who does what I'm doing,
but I'm introducing my stuff
to the entire world and to the audience.
You are able,
with your simple artistic ability,
to turn these discarded items
into lovely things of beauty.
Everyone could do that.
There's nothing anyone couldn't do
better than I could.
They just have to try.
That's right.
We have to reduce the waste in this country.
Exactly.
You've hit upon a really sore spot there.
We have no more room for any garbage.
The minute you use something,
you have to think of it.
Oh, my God.
If Irma should see
that I'm throwing this in the garbage,
right away you get ideas.
I thought of that last night, Irma.
As I was looking at my garbage,
I thought of you.
I know you did, because I felt it.
I'm psychic.
I felt it.
All right, Irma, let's take it.
I have one question here, theoretically.
Yes.
Here we have something.
These have been recycled,
and it's a lovely Christmas decoration.
Right.
Now, what happens
when you want to throw that out?
Don't throw it.
Would anyone throw this out
if I gave it to someone
as a dinner guest?
Would they throw this out?
Look, this...
No.
No one would throw this out,
and everyone would make use of it
the minute they see this.
All right.
This came from a wine bottle.
What is everyone...
Are you laughing at me,
with me,
or for me,
or against me?
We're all...
You know,
that's the very question
I ask myself every night.
All right, Irma,
show us some of these lovely items.
This is a vodka bottle.
You've turned it into
a lovely centerpiece.
That's right.
Centerpiece.
Right.
And this are fresh-baked donuts.
I got them today for you.
Sanitary.
And don't make a face.
I'm sorry, I...
You eat them.
They're very good.
Okay.
This is a donut.
I brought it for the whole audience.
It looks a little like a meatball, Irma.
Are you sure?
No, this is...
You haven't confused
the donuts and meatballs again, have you?
Delicious donuts.
Eat it, you're lying.
Well, I'll eat it a little later.
All right, eat it later.
And have plenty for the whole audience
and for the staff and everything.
You come down and you eat it.
Okay.
Okay.
All right.
This is made, you know,
a Christmas tree for a centerpiece.
You use this.
Everyone brings you a card.
You put those cards in here
and you have them forever.
After the guests leave,
you can read all the cards.
You wouldn't have time
to read them
when they give them to you.
So over the rest of the...
It's made out of a tin chain.
Okay.
And this...
Do you have a lot of these items
in your home like this?
Yes, I do.
If we would go to your home,
would we see many of these?
Well, I tell you,
soon I'm going to dispose of it,
my archives.
I'll let you know.
Now, wait a minute.
See, now you're talking about
creating more trash.
You're going to dispose of it.
Well, soon I won't be able
to do it anymore
because it got too much.
Yeah.
Look at this.
Isn't that a beautiful centerpiece?
I know the chairman of the board
of NBC would love this
because this is made from
G.E. Lightbox.
Made from G.E. Lightbox.
I'll tell you what,
if you could give that to me,
I'll pass it along
to Robert C. Wright.
You give it to him,
to Mr. Wright, right?
Right.
Tell him with my regards.
Give it to him.
I'll put it right over here, Irma.
Okay.
All right.
And this is something
you should put on your desk.
Look, isn't that pretty?
For your eyeglasses,
you always lose them,
you don't know,
and for a tape measure.
All of those odds and ends.
All of those odds.
Isn't that pretty?
That's lovely.
Very nicely done, Irma.
Okay.
All right.
So you can all do the same thing.
Irma, we have to go...
You're almost out of time again?
We are out of time, Irma.
I'm terribly sorry.
You're really out of time.
It's not possible.
It's not possible.
Oh, yeah.
I think it is possible.
I'm here for...
Look at this.
I mean...
We have to go.
We have a young man coming on.
Look at this.
I made this special for you.
Oh, that's very nice.
Isn't that pretty?
Look at this.
Isn't that pretty?
That's one picture I have.
May I have this, Irma?
All right.
Keep it already.
Keep it already.
Irma Dreyfus, ladies and gentlemen.
Irma Dreyfus.
Well, what I don't understand is, how did you suspect Irma Dreyfus in the first
place?
Well, that was easy, Paul.
She was the last one to see Donald Trump alive, so that means she was the only
one who could
have fired the shot that killed him.
And I knew she wanted to frame me.
So that's why you switched microphones with her during the commercial.
Well, exactly, Anton.
I knew that she wanted to get rid of me once and for all, and I figured she
would use the
defective microphone to fake the electrocution, make it look like an accident.
Well, I am shocked.
So is she.
Why did the trash-to-treasures lady have to kill the comedian?
Yeah, well, I really don't think that figured in her plan.
It was one of those impulse shootings or something like that you hear about
during the holidays.
Anyway, Trump got on the show, and for a while there, I was afraid that we
wouldn't have time for the guy.
Yeah, but instead of getting bumped...
He got bumped off.
Let's get out of here.