Name: Comparison Test Collection on Letterman, 1983-96
Uploaded: 2017-02-27T07:08:54.000Z
Description: Watch the stand-up comedy video 'Comparison Test Collection on Letterman, 1983-96' from Don Giller on Comedy Buff. Published 2017-02-27. Transcript available.

Watch the stand-up comedy video 'Comparison Test Collection on Letterman, 1983-96' from Don Giller on Comedy Buff. Published 2017-02-27. Transcript available.

Tonight, what we're going to do, we do this periodically. We have folks stand
up, and they have deep burning things they'd like for us to do for them, and we
do it for them.
So, it's called Who Asked For It? Anything they want, we try and satisfy their
wildest dream right here on network television.
And we have our first participant. How do you do, ma'am? Nice to see you.
Hi. Hi. Where are you from?
Brooklyn, New York.
Brooklyn, New York. You look very healthy and happy, are you?
Yes, very much.
Okay, and what could we do for you tonight?
Oh, I'm sorry, what is your name?
Ellen Weinberg.
Ellen, nice to meet you. What can we do for you?
Dave, I have heard that there is a new kind of margarine that tastes almost
exactly like butter.
Frankly, I am skeptical about this. Can you tell me if this is really true?
Well, you know, I've heard these reports, a new kind of butter that tastes, you
know, a new kind of margarine that tastes just almost like butter.
And I share your skepticism, and there's only one way to find out for sure.
Tommy, Tommy, could you bring the tub of butter and the tub of margarine out
here?
All right, Tommy, go ahead and give us your opinion, if you will. Our own Tommy
Casabona, ladies and gentlemen.
Oh!
Oh!
Oh!
Oh!
Yeah!
Oh!
Oh!
Oh!
That tastes pretty close.
Pretty close.
All right, ma'am.
It tastes pretty close.
Thank you, Tommy.
It tastes pretty close.
All right, who's next? Number two here.
Is it going all right, Paul? Are things going all right tonight?
This is the swinging show.
All right.
Yes, we have one more.
Yes, a lovely young lady in the audience.
What is your name, ma'am?
Lori Peish.
Lori, who?
Peish.
Peish.
All right.
Lori, what do you do for a living?
I'm a writer with a magazine.
You're a writer with a magazine.
Would you care to name that magazine at this time?
I'd better not.
You'd better not.
Okay.
I'd like to know, I'd like to know which is lower.
Excuse me, Lori.
Just a minute.
Excuse me.
What can we do for you, Lori?
I'd like to know which is lower in cholesterol, peanut oil or corn oil?
You know, a lot of people are going to snicker, but this is a very good
question because in
this day and age of diet and health conscious America, I think this is a darn
good question.
And when we heard this, we decided to ask one of our staff members if he couldn't
come
up with a little experiment to tell us which one was actually lower in
cholesterol.
Chris Elliott, ladies and gentlemen.
Chris, go ahead and conduct the experiment.
Chris Elliott, go ahead and conduct the experiment.
Dave, I can't tell any difference.
Thank you, Lori.
Thank you very much, Chris.
Well, I think that seemed to work all right.
Nobody got hurt.
Nobody got arrested.
Letter number three.
Dear Dave, how come the ketchup that comes in the little plastic envelope never
tastes
as good as the ketchup you get out of a bottle?
Sincerely, Brock Wood at William and Mary.
Hmm.
Well, you know, Brock, frankly, I actually never noticed any difference, but a
member of our
staff has volunteered to test your question for us.
Chris Elliott will do the testing.
Chris, go ahead, sir.
Chris Elliott will do the testing.
Chris, go ahead, sir.
*laughter*
*laughter*
Dave, I can't tell any difference between this.
About the same, are they?
Okay, well, there you go.
*laughter*
Tastes about the same.
*laughter*
Letter number three.
*laughter*
Lord, it startled me.
*laughter*
Okay, dear David, is there really a decaffeinated coffee that has a rich, full
taste?
*laughter*
Sincerely, Lauren Lazzaroni, Columbus, Ohio.
What a great name this woman has.
Lazzaroni, Columbus, Ohio.
Is there really a decaffeinated coffee that has a rich, full taste?
Well, we certainly don't mind using a few minutes of our program to answer your
question, Lauren.
And what we can do for you now is compare the two leading brands of decaffeinated
coffee
to see if one does have a rich, full taste.
So, once again, conducting our taste test tonight will be staff member Chris
Elliott.
Chris, go right ahead.
*laughter*
*laughter*
*laughter*
*laughter*
*laughter*
*laughter*
I'm sorry, Dave. I can't tell any difference.
Okay, well, thank you anyway, Chris.
*laughter*
We, uh, we tried, Lauren.
*laughter*
We certainly tried.
*laughter*
Letter number four.
Thank you very much.
*laughter*
All right.
Uh, is it any wonder the network is proud?
Well...
*laughter*
Let's get on to letter number five.
Uh, are you all right, Paul?
Is that going to be all right?
Yeah, it's dry.
It's all dried out.
It's kind of scaly now.
Yeah.
Stop picking. Yeah, I gotta stop picking it.
*laughter*
Letter number five begins, uh...
Dear Dave, do you prefer boiling to frying?
I'm sorry.
*laughter*
Do you prefer broiling to frying?
Sincerely, here is Kendall Theatts, Edmond, Oklahoma.
*laughter*
Uh, broiling to frying.
Gee, I...
You know, I don't know.
Uh...
I guess I don't have much of an opinion.
So, once again, we've asked late-night staff member Chris Elliott
to make the comparison test for us.
Chris?
Thank you, Dad.
*laughter*
*laughter*
*laughter*
*laughter*
*laughter*
*laughter*
I'm sorry, Dave. I can't tell any difference.
Can't tell any difference.
Okay, well, thank you very much for a job well done.
*laughter*
*laughter*
*laughter*
*laughter*
*laughter*
*laughter*
*laughter*
*laughter*
*laughter*
Uh, Dear Dave, letter number four begins,
When you use polyurethane varnish, do you prefer the satin finish or gloss?
*laughter*
*laughter*
*laughter*
*laughter*
You know, Laurie, when we got your letter, we thought it would be a perfect
opportunity to conduct one of those comparison tests.
So that's just what we're going to do tonight.
Here now to tell us if there is a difference between satin finish or gloss is
our own Chris Elliott.
Hi, Chris. How are you?
*laughter*
*laughter*
*laughter*
*laughter*
Okay.
You know what the deal is. We're going to make the comparison, Chris.
Right. I'll just go ahead and do that.
Alright. Satin finish polyurethane, gloss finish polyurethane. We'll just see
what the difference is.
*laughter*
*laughter*
*laughter*
*laughter*
You'd have to stir them both up?
Yeah, they recommend that.
amend that. Yeah. I guess we'll try the other one now. Uh-huh.
Dave, I think I like the glossy better. Thanks, Chris. Thanks, Gerard. Nice to
see you.
Okay, we'll be right back. Where are we? Is it two? I guess it's two. Dear Dave,
when a hot dog,
I'm sorry, when a hot dog. When a dog food claims to have improved flavor, how
can we really be sure
that it's true and not just a heinous marketing scam? Yours truly, Maura Descher,
Impressionable
Youth. It's an excellent question, Maura. And because I care about you, the dog-owning
home
viewer, here to answer that question is our own Chris Elliott. Chris, come on
out. Hi, Chris.
Nice to see you.
Chris, now, as I understand it, you have two cans of the same dog food, the
regular and
the new improved. Right. And you're going to tell us if there's a difference?
Right, between
kennel ration and kennel ration new improved. You're going to conduct a little
test there.
And we'll see which is better. Okay. All right. Well, we'll look forward to it.
Well, those
are cute doggies. They are, aren't they? Yeah. Are those yours? No, they're not.
Those
are props. Well, keep them away from the chicks. Okay. Or what's left of them.
Okay, boys.
Very cute dogs. Yeah. Dave, I think she's right. I can't tell much difference.
Yeah. All right.
All right. Thanks anyway. Hey, maybe he should get a saltine to cleanse his
palate there.
Last week, ladies and gentlemen, as you know, and this is kind of a bombshell
in the world
of diet and nutrition, the FDA approved a new fat substitute called Olestra.
Now, you know,
a potato chip made with this Olestra stuff has less than half the calories of a
regular
chip. Did you know that, Paul? Yeah. I read that. Yeah. So here tonight with a
comparison
test is our own Chris Elliott. Chris, come on out. Chris Elliott. Chris, thank
you very
much for being here. Thank you for conducting this very, very important
nutritional test.
It's always a great pleasure to see you. Well, thank you very much. As always,
it's a joy.
Uh-huh. And, uh, Chris, who is your little friend you have with you tonight? Um,
this is my
little friend, Jerry Mulligan, and, um, he's going to be assisting me with the
comparison
tonight, but Jerry will not be speaking. Okay. Jerry, nice to see you. How's
the family? How's
everything going? Great, Dave. You know, little Kevin said something really
cute the other day.
Oh, yeah. What was it? Yeah. He's a big fan of these old TV shows. Yeah. And we
were down
in Atlantic City. Right. Driving along Michigan Avenue. Michigan Avenue? Bumper
to bumper on
Michigan Avenue, you can imagine. All right. And he pipes up and says, Michigan,
impossible.
That's adorable. That's adorable. Oh, man. That's cute. Thank you, Jerry. It's
cute, isn't it,
Chris? Did you hear that? Michigan impossible? Uh-huh. Yeah. Yeah. Chris, how's
your family,
by the way? My family left me about a month ago. All right. Good for them. By
the way,
I love you on those, uh, Jiffy Pop commercials or whatever. Oh, thank you. You're
a prince. Uh, so,
Chris, uh, why don't you get right to the, uh, testing there of the, uh, I
guess it's regular,
uh, fat and then the new artificial fat. Yes. And Alestra. I'm very excited
about this because,
uh, Alestra, as you know, it, evidently, it, it works pretty much the same way
as regular fat,
but it has, I think, like, half the calories. Half the calories. And, um, and
no salt. Now,
when I heard the report, they were talking about maybe some side effects. Do
you know anything
about side effects? Yeah. No, I, I've, I've read that too, that there are some,
some rather odd
side effects. I don't, I don't know much about that. All right. So, get, get
right to the comparison
there. This is regular cooking fat and Alestra. Here we go. Right. So, Jerry,
you ready with,
we're starting with the, uh, regular beef fat. Okay.
Okay.
Now, this is the Alestra here? This is the Alestra. Okay.
Dave. Dave, I can't tell any difference between this. Oh, that's good. Now,
thank you, Chris.
Thank you. Any, uh, can you tell about any of the side effects now? You notice
anything?
No, I, I don't notice anything. The Alestra, it went down very smooth and went
down rather
quickly. Right. And, uh, in fact, I would say it's still going down rather
quickly. And
it's, um, still. Okay. Now I'm Alestra free. I'll just say that. Oh, great.
Chris Elliott,
that's it. Ladies and gentlemen, the lab coats were my idea. Oh, good. Nice
touch. Thank
you very much. We're going to do a commercial. When we continue, when we come
back to continue,
Al McPherson will join us.